Something for the Ladies # 30 - with special guest...

Ladies: If there's ever been anything about men you've wanted to know but were afraid to ask, or wanted a male viewpoint on a certain relationship niggle you're going through, drop an email to us at todger dot talk @ googlemail dot com. We shall pick one out and answer it to the best of our capabilities.

While Sam's making some serious progress on the health front, I sent the Sex-Signal a-scything through the sky for urgent assistance from my sexpert brethren and sistren in helping me deal with the backlog of mail. And I can't lie to you; I'm right chuffed about my first lovely assistant...

Sarah Hedley is my absolute fave UK sexpert. The former Editor of Scarlet - Britain's sauciest womens' mag - and Sex Editor of Cosmo UK, Sarah is the author of 7 Days To Amazing Sex - a brand new crash course in fruitiness that is guaranteed to have you and your partner at it like knives in a mere week. If you're suffering from a beached whale of a sex life, Sarah is your personal Greenpeace - and this book is a massive helicopter, winching down a wet towel. Not only that, but she's also the wise sage that 'Mr Sex' communes with whenever he requires sexy, sexy wisdom on things he knows not. Except that she's younger and better-looking than me. Buy that bad boy here.

Anyway...

Anonymous writes: Almost all the women I know now have sex toys, and I’m dying to try one out with my partner of six years - but he’s dismissed the idea several times, with the view ‘why would you need a plastic cock, when I’ve got a real flesh-and-blood one?’. I pointed out that his cock didn’t vibrate, but I don’t think that really helped my cause. I’ve decided I’m just going to buy one and if he doesn’t like it, sod him. Am I being insensitive? Or is he just a bit selfish?

'Mr Sex' says: On first impressions, yes – he’s being a selfish get. Have you tried telling him that he’s not allowed to have a quick one off the wrist when you’re not about? Course you haven’t. And if you’ve been in a relationship for as long your two have and he’s putting the block on any progression in your sex life, that’s usually the time to start wondering about getting rid.

But having said that, let’s look at it from his point of view. Quite a few men hear the phrase ‘I fancy a go on a sex toy’ and unfortunately translate it into ‘Oi, your cock isn’t long/thick/good enough’. Sometimes because they assume that cock-in-fanny activity is the be-all and end-all of sexual intercourse, sometimes because they’re scared of the realisation that their partner has been thinking about other ways of getting themselves off, and sometimes because they fear that if you’re using a dildo, you’ll have no need for him. Either way, Sex Toy = Threat.

Obviously, from an outsider’s point of view, this is all bollocks. Partners with sex toys are ace, and there’s three reasons why; firstly, because I’d much rather have them using a sex toy than someone else’s nob. Secondly, because I rather like my partners having as many orgasms as possible, and sex toys can do things that I can’t – after all, my proud gentleman doesn’t have prongs going off the side, and it can’t rotate in the middle.

But - and more selfishly - the third and most important reason sex toys are so mint is that they allow her as many orgasms as possible while I'm in her presence without me having to be bonked up 24/7 (because even though mine is flesh-and-blood too, sometimes it's just flesh, if you know what I mean and I think you do). And there is nothing - nothing - saucier than having your partner let you use a vibrator on her. So yeah, Laddo is not only misguided, but missing out big style.

As for how to get him out of his current mindset? Well, let me slap the penis-shaped baton into the hand of Ms Hedley, and let her run with it…

Sarah says: Lots of guys suffer from what I call Toy Envy and feel threatened by either the dimensions or capabilities of sex toys. But when your optimum sexual satisfaction is dependent on your vibe, that’s one little friend you really need your man to get along with.

Whether you buy your toy online, from a catalogue or a sex store, drag your man along to browse the options if possible – that way he’ll feel included, even if he complains about it, rather than feeling like you’ve gone behind his back.

Opt for something small and powerful – after all, it’s the vibrations rather than the size that’ll be of benefit to your clitoris. It might also help to pick something that isn’t penis-shaped (it’s a lot harder for him to compare his manhood to a vibrating butterfly or lipstick).

When you’ve made the selection, ask him to pick up the bill – this might like seem like a tall order as he’s against the purchase from the start, but in the long run it will help him feel responsible for any orgasms the toy produces. Also, return the treat by picking out a male toy just for him; 'Mr Sex' knows all about the joys of the new Tenga range from Japan…

Spend some secret alone-time working out how to use your toy to optimum effect (try not to scream with joy if he’s in the vicinity, as this will do little for his ego), then invite him to ‘his own private sex show’ and let him watch while you use the toy on yourself – regardless of his apprehensions about battery-powered gadgets, it’ll be hard for him to feel anything other than hard, if you catch my drift.

Seeing you use the toy externally will be reassuring and put an end to any fear that you’re only using toys because he’s not big enough to satisfy you. If you do use the toy internally, try to eroticise that for him by saying things like, “When I’m doing this I’m imagining you inside me”. At the same time as marrying the notion of toy-play with him being turned on, you’ll be feeding him info on how to use the toy on you, which will boost his confidence for when it’s his turn to take the controls. Good luck!

TT readers: Comment!

Something for the Ladies # 29

Ladies: If there's ever been anything about men you've wanted to know but were afraid to ask, or wanted a male viewpoint on a certain relationship niggle you're going through, drop an email to us at todger dot talk @ googlemail dot com. We shall pick one out and answer it to the best of our capabilities.

Analonymous writes: I’d like to ask you a question about anal sex – not ‘should I do it?’, as I and the guy I am currently fucking like it very much. However, I’m a bit worried about the potential mess it could create. I’m super-clean, neat and orderly, but due to his length he can achieve some pretty impressive depths. I’ve always wondered – as a man, do you worry about the occasional mess, or once the fucking starts do you gloss over any potential disasters and just appreciate what’s going on?

'Mr Sex' says: Hm. You'd completely asked the wrong chap here, me duck, as my anal sex experiences extend only as far as shoving things up my arse for the sex toy review section of this very blog - so I'm definately going to have to punt this dilemma out to our lovely, lovely readers who know far better than I.

However, your concerns are valid and universal; unless you fancy having a go at that scat thing you've seen on the internet, you're aiming for a highly intimate experience, not an IRA-style dirty protest circa 1975. Going by the experiences of some of my friends, which have been related time and again in pubs, I would surmise that there's a minimal risk of wrongery occuring - but when it does go wrong, it can be amazingly spectacular (my favourite tale ended with the phrase "When I pulled out, the next thing I saw was a roostertail of shit"). Obviously, an experience as traumatic as that could possibly put you off for several lifetimes.

Let's demolish the main myth about anal; there's no guarantee that you'll end up with a shitty dick, which puts a lot of men off. After a few goes on a prostate stimulator, I've discovered that - as long as you're not busting to curl one off - there is very little (if any) fecal matter on the end of whatever you're shoving in there. Yes, there's loads of lube (and its occasional by-product, Santorum), but it's nothing you can't handle. I'd say that you should always prepare for the worst, so if it does happen, you can deal with it as quickly as possible. When I'm testing prostate stimulators, for example, I always have;

A massive beach towel over the bed (in case the worst happens)
A roll of kitchen towels or bog roll (so I can wipe anything that needs wiping)
Easy access to a carrier bag in a waste paper bin (to lob everything into and seal)
An oil burner on the go (so my room doesn't whiff of anything it shouldn't)
Something heavy wedged up against the door (because I live in a shared house)

Now, I don't really need all of that rammell, but it calms me down. After all, if you're tensed up, you might as well try to shove a baseball bat through the eye of a needle. So I suggest that you get your own emergency kit on standby, and enjoy worry-free bum-sex.

Sam says: Apart from being surprised that 'Mr Sex' is still an anal virgin, my advice is simple. The main selling point about anal sex is that it's still seen as dirty - both figuratively and (in certain circumstances) actually. 'Mr Sex' is right about the general un-ickiness of the rectum, but if your man is as long as you say he is, there's the potential for an, um, accident.

The best thing to do is to sit down and have a talk about it. Point out that you love anal as much as he does, but make clear that you'd relax and be able to enjoy it even more if you had a clean-up routine, should the worst came to the worst. I think it's totally fair for him to take charge of that particular matter, seeing as you're the one who will probably be in most need of the loo afterwards - and when it comes to anal sex, from foreplay to afterplay, the recipient should always be the one who takes charge.

And it goes without saying that you should use as much lube as possible, and for God's sake use the toilet beforehand if you feel the slightest inclination to. But you already know that, right?

Readers of TT - comment!

Something for the Ladies # 28

Ladies: If there's ever been anything about men you've wanted to know but were afraid to ask, or wanted a male viewpoint on a certain relationship niggle you're going through, drop an email to us at todger dot talk @ googlemail dot com. We shall pick one out and answer it to the best of our capabilities.

This week's question...

Anonymous writes: My boyfriend and I have been together two years. However, we had a brief break-up a year ago when he had a drunken fumble with a mutual 'friend' of ours.

I'm about to move to France with work for six months, and we were positive about continuing long distance for that time. However, I have just found out from one of his friends that he is about to move into her house (with several others) as her father owns the house and has offered them cheap rent.

Upon questioning, he said he was putting off telling me as was worried about my reaction, and he's only doing it because of the cheap rent. He's offered to pull out and live somewhere else if I'm not comfortable with it but I'm not sure that offer is sincere, plus I know he really needs somewhere with cheap rent.

I'm tempted to cut and run, as I don't want to have to be in France wondering if he's got pissed and shagged her. Or am I being unreasonable?

‘Mr Sex’ says: Yes. You are being totally unreasonable. Here would be the reasoned, thought-out and rational response to such a development;

1) Punching him right in his twattish face for even knocking about with this woman after what happened, let alone thinking about moving in with her

2) Kicking him squarely in the groin for not having the balls to even tell you about this – not because he was worried about your reaction (see how he turns it all onto you?), but because he knows he’s wrong

3) Taking a hammer to his kneecaps for being a deceitful, cowardly mingebag

4) Nobbing him off entirely, and shacking up with, I dunno, a mime artiste. Or some bloke in a Breton shirt who sells onions on a bike.

That may sound a bit harsh, but come the fuck on, me dear. The first rule of post-affair relationship-mending is that the offending party has to take steps to cut the other person out of their life as completely as possible. The fact that he’s intending to share a microwave with her suggests to me that he’s either still up for a portion off her, or he’s thicker than Barry White’s shit on Boxing Day morning. Either way, he’s completely disrespecting you at a time when you’re going through massive upheaval in your life.

You obviously don’t like this woman, and the idea that she’s still hanging about gets your hackles up – so if he can’t see that, he’s being ridiculously insensitive, and the fact that he's offering to backpedal is more to do with him being found out than him having a scrap of decency. You’re obviously going to be wound up to buggery while you’re away in any case whether he moves in or not - so give this bell-end his P45 of Love, get yourself over the Channel, and help yourself to a hefty slice of French Fancy.

Sam says: Let's face facts, here; you are in a rubbish relationship. And, if you choose to stick with it, it's about to get even more rubbish. Yes, long-distance relationships have every chance of working out, but only when there is a very high level of mutual trust and respect. You are getting - and will continue to get - neither from this bloke.

As 'Mr Sex' points out, when you've been tempted in a relationship, you have to remove that temptation. He's already put his hand in the fire and gone 'Ow'. Now he's giving himself every opportunity to put his hand back in again and again, leaving you with a charred arm of a relationship. My advice; dump him, move on, and go and find someone who will treat you with the decency you deserve.

Readers of TT: Comment!

Something for the ladies # 27

Ladies: If there's ever been anything about men you've wanted to know but were afraid to ask, or wanted a male viewpoint on a certain relationship niggle you're going through, drop an email to us at todger dot talk @ googlemail dot com. We shall pick one out and answer it to the best of our capabilities.

This week's question...

SC writes: I've been with a chap for a couple of years and it's always felt a bit unequal in terms of effort and affection invested. A few months ago, after a particular exchange, I said I couldn't continue as it was too painful to care so much and receive such a poor level of return. After a couple of weeks, however, I swallowed my frustration and proposed trying to work things out.

While we were apart his ex-girlfriend got in touch out of the blue and they went for a drink. I was initially wholly unbothered – I'm not particularly jealous; I've always snared girls for group sex antics with those I've dated and never previously had a problem with exes etc. It transpires that she's keen on restarting things, though, and that they had 'a bit of a kiss'. As we were kind of split up at the time I was prepared to accept and move on, but I later accidentally see the start of a message saying something like 'I love having your cock in my mouth, God I missed you - thank you for my night of violation..'. I understandably want to check what the fuck's going on, so ask if he's considering reviving anything with her.

He unconvincingly dismisses what I saw as fantasy on her part, and replies: 'well, not at the moment, no'. So suddenly I'm bothered. This is surely an outrageous response - you don't leave open the possibility of resurrecting things with your ex if you're supposedly serious about who you're currently with, right? Rather than at least admitting it's objectionable he angrily calls my concern 'pathetically neurotic' and 'quite some feat of paranoia', which is actually the most galling part – I'm calmly rational and just want to know where I stand. If nothing happened he should go out of his way to categorically explain and reassure, however tedious, and if it did he should have the balls to be upfront. Amidst this uncertainty I'm supposed to be totally at ease with them hanging out. I would like to be, I just think it's an unreasonable expectation given the absence of clarity. The couple of friends I've run his line past have looked at me with confused pity for still being around, but I'm interested in an impartial opinion from you guys.

‘Mr Sex’ says: Fucking hell.

Alright, first things first; yes, he’s being a bell-end. Taking a reasonable accusation (“You’re carrying on with your ex”) and throwing it back in someone’s face (“You’re being paranoid”) is the mark of a twat and a Jeremy Kyle guest. Of course you’re going to be bothered about an ex appearing from nowhere, even if it didn’t involve text-filth, and if he can’t see that, he’s being a tosser. Taking into consideration your assertion that you’re giving a lot out and getting next to fuck-all in return, the only possible course of action is to realise things aren’t going to get any better, and get shot of him as soon as humanly possible.

What I want to address, however, is this nipping out and getting other women in for threesomes business, because – unless you’re careful as fuck, know what you’re on with, and have the right partner of similar temperament – it’s a recipe for disaster every time. Christ on a crisp packet, it’s hard enough to trust someone in a standard relationship these days – bringing other people into the mix requires monumental levels of trust, and intense boundary-drawing of Berlin-after-the-war-proportions. Otherwise, you’ll be onto a wrong ‘un from Day One: you might be thinking “Hey, I’m really open and understanding to my partner’s needs”, but the wrong partner will interpret that as “Wahey! My girlfriend doesn’t care who I give a portion to! Skill! Where the slags at?” (By the way, did you ever suggest that it might be a good idea if you could bring another man into the equation, and was he cool with that? Thought not.)

Of course, that’s not saying that an open relationship of the type you’re hankering after is impossible (and I’m hoping that one or two of our readers who dabble in that field might be able to put you straight here) – it just needs more work than the standard type. I suggest you move on, learn, and go after what you want with someone worthy of your openness.

Sam says: In this sort of situation, it’s all about watching what he's doing, and ignoring what he's saying.

1) While you're attempting to patch things up, he is getting together with an ex and clearly getting his end away.

2) He takes, takes, takes takes in the relationship and doesn’t give you what you want back – he’s a blood-sucking relationship vampire

3) He clearly doesn’t have much invested in the relationship, because he’s already warming up his Plan B.

He’s a lost cause. Forget it. Move on. The only question you should be really asking yourself is; why are you still with such a tosser? Why are you putting up with getting so much less than you give?

The problem is athough you don’t want to admit it, you’ve invested a lot in this guy. You’ve spent a couple of years in your life hoping that things will get better. They haven’t, but it takes guts to chuck away that investment. It’s a bit like having put a whole lot of money into your savings account, and then the bank is shafting you like crazy by not letting you take your money out and giving you an absolutely shitty interest rate. The smart thing is to cut your losses, get out and start up with a new bank that will actually treat you properly. The problem is when they suggest that things might get better, there is a little bit of you that wants to believe them, a little bit that hopes you really are going to get your hands on all that hard-earned cash again.

Try this little trick; every time you think about staying with him, pause, have a bit of a stretch (to shift you into neutral) and then think about the five worst, most horrible, awful things that he has done to you. Really remember them in detail, how they felt, looked, sounded, maybe even smelt. Really remember how horrible and shitty he made you feel. Then ask yourself; ‘Should I stay with him?’. Your brain is smart, and moves away from pain – I can pretty much guarantee the answer will be ‘Get the hell out, right now!’. Repeat as necessary every time you waver.

Also, if you are into the whole swinging thing, go out, get on some websites and have some fun with some other couples. As a woman you are in the position of power and get to pick and choose who you fancy most. That way you get to be the centre of attention, have people chase you, and get reminded that you are sexy and attractive and that there are people out there who are willing to give rather than just take. Hopefully it will give you some extra powder in your keg to blow this idiot off.

Readers of TT: Comment!

Something for the ladies # 26

Ladies: If there's ever been anything about men you've wanted to know but were afraid to ask, or wanted a male viewpoint on a certain relationship niggle you're going through, drop an email to us at todger dot talk @ googlemail dot com. We shall pick one out and answer it to the best of our capabilities.

This week's question...

Imo G writes: So I met this guy through a dating site, it was all going really well, we start doing ‘the business’, he constantly says how great I am when we see each other a lot and are always in touch. And then...he doesn't want a relationship, despite me being 'one of the best people he's ever met', and not being able to 'imagine life without you in it'. Then he chucks in the hand-grenade - 'I just don't feel any chemistry; but I really feel an amazing mental connection with you. Lets be friends'. Now, I feel really led-on by this man who is waaay over 21, and therefore old enough to know better, so what I'd appreciate an opinion on is why do some blokes feel they can give you the old flim-flam - and I do believe this guy is sincere in what he says - behave the way they do, and seem surprised when you fall for them.

I think the bloke I met is a self-loathing commitment-phobe, if it helps.

‘Mr Sex’ says: This chap sounds just like me about ten years ago, actually - I was a twat then, an’all.

Your situation pretty much nails the dilemma most men face when they use dating sites for its proper purpose, as opposed to a lucky bag of casual sex - they feel like it comes too easy, things happen way too fast, and they’ve not worked as hard for it as they normally do. It’s like a fast-track courtship – one minute you’re tentatively exchanging e-mails, and before you know it, you’re in someone’s bed, and she’s talking you up as her new bloke. If you’re not emotionally prepared for that (i.e., if you’re male), that’s scary as fuck – particularly when you’ve just come out of a relationship.

The other thing you need to consider is that when it comes to dating sites, men feel far more embarrassed about them than women. Your lot tend to see them for what they are – a fantastic opportunity to meet new people. A frightening amount of us lot, on the other hand, see it as something you do when you can’t get a girlfriend like normal people can, and we inwardly cringe when people ask us in the pub how we met. Not only that, but we’re never more aware of how many available women there are in the area until we’ve been on a dating site, and we’re always wondering if there’s someone more suitable out there. We’re rubbish like that.

But anyway, onto this bloke. Sounds to me like your suspicions are entirely on the money – he’s been telling you things that he thinks you want to hear, has got in way over his head, and is back-peddling like a bastard (whilst conveniently leaving the door open for the odd shag). Nob him off and find someone better, as there’s loads of us – er, them - knocking about.

Sam says: I’d go for a slightly different take. The problem here is that this guy wants all the benefits of a relationship without any of the problems. He starts going at a full-on pace, saying all the right things, gets a shag, gets the lovely intensity, and then bails as soon as there is any possibility of commitment. He is the hot/cold type – he’s hot hot hot and all over you, and then suddenly, with no warning, it’s all over.

The trouble is that these guys have learnt that if they turn it on they get the action and the attention they want, and then bail when the going starts looking serious. You may as well ask; why do men have affairs? Simple - they get the security of a wife and the excitement of a mistress – which makes a weird kind of sense, since generally it’s hard to get excitement from your wife or security from a casual shag. Having an affair is shit, but this way they get to have their cake and eat it too. This guy gets the constant excitement and high of fresh new relationships, without any of that hard work stuff of actually committing. And importantly, internet dating gives him an almost endless supply of women he can do the same thing to, over and over again.

Rather than wondering about why he thinks he can flim-flam you around, you need to be alert to the danger signals that these guys give out. Basically if a guy seems too good to be true, then - like a dodgy sub-prime mortage - they are. Hopefully next time you’ll be able to spot the warning signs before they suck you in.

Readers of TT – comment!

Something for the ladies # 25

Ladies: If there's ever been anything about men you've wanted to know but were afraid to ask, or wanted a male viewpoint on a certain relationship niggle you're going through, drop an email to us at todger dot talk @ googlemail dot com. We shall pick one out and answer it to the best of our capabilities.

This week's question...

Anonymous writes: Hello lads,

I run my own business and I've recently sought the advice of a fellow business owner, who has been very generous with his time and given me a great deal of financial advice. I want our relationship to be more than professional, but I don't know how to subtly find out is he's single (there are no obvious signs like a ring). All of our correspondence is very professional and via email, and I desperately want to break down that barrier without making a fool out of myself.

When we first met at a networking event he looked over at me three times while he was talking to someone else, so I know that there is some degree of interest on his part. I feel a sense of urgency with this before our relationship enters a "strictly professional zone". I think so highly of him that I would be happy just being his friend if he didn't feel the same way that I do, so I know I need to act carefully. I'm 25 and he's 31, and I think he likes to see himself as my mentor.

Any bright ideas please?

Sam says: OK, there is some serious strategising that needs to happen here. Firstly, you need to remember that when a guy meets a younger girl in a business context we tend to lean on the side of caution. There is nothing worse than getting a sexual harassment suit from a younger woman to make your life a misery. What this means is that you need to discreetly take the lead and make it clear you are interested.

Step 1 – Gather intelligence

Do you have any mutual professional contacts? If so, discreetly ask if he is married or has a girlfriend. If you don't have any, then next time you see him as something like 'Is your wife involved in business as well?' You'll quickly find out whether he is single or not.

Step 2 – Get him out of the business strait-jacket

It’s crucial that you meet up outside a professional context. The easiest way to do this is to ask if you can meet up for a drink after work for him to give you some advice on business topic X. A bar is what anthropologists call a 'liminal' space – a place where the rules of outside society are temporarily suspended. Translation, you are allowed to flirt with business colleagues there. When you get there for the drink as quickly as possible move off business onto personal topics. Also, flirt like crazy with him. The more flirting the better.

Step 3 – Get a bit sozzled and have a snog

Alcohol plays a very important role – it allows you to do things you wouldn't otherwise try and get away with it. I would suggest when going out to drinks aim to get a bit sozzled and then at the end of the night, when saying goodbye, rather than offering your cheek, tip you head to one side, lean in towards his lips and let him close the deal. If it all goes wrong you can always blame drinking a bit too much booze. If it goes right, Hurrah!

‘Mr Sex’ says: Right then, I’m going to be the angel on your shoulders and hit you off with the other side of the coin; yes, he was checking you out at that networking meeting, mainly because a) he’s male and b) those things are boring as fuck. Personally, if I were at something like that and a balloon with swastikas drawn on it with marker pen floated in the room, I’d be thinking about shagging the arse off it, just to alleviate the sheer boredom of it all.

The problem is, this is still a work relationship, even if you’re self-employed, and there’s still a degree of professionalism needed – after all, if it goes horribly tits-up, it’s going to have a serious effect on your working relationship. At best, it’s going to tip the balance decisively in his favour (after all, if he sees you as your mentor, he already feels he has a degree of power). At worst, it’s going to break it completely.

So my advice to you is to follow Sam’s advice, but add Step 0 – be a bit more chatty in your e-mails. Initiate a bit of random banter with a PS, or something like that, so you get to know him a lot better whilst basking in the safety of hiding behind a monitor. The benefits of this are that you can subtly steer the conversation in the direction you want without committing to anything, and having the time to think about what he’s said and what you want to say in return. All the info you need to know will be revealed in time, and you’ll have a far better idea where you stand without risking your professional relationship or making an arse of yourself.

Readers of TT – comment!

Something for the ladies # 24

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Something for the Ladies #23

Ladies: If there's ever been anything about men you've wanted to know but were afraid to ask, or wanted a male viewpoint on a certain relationship niggle you're going through, drop an email to us at todger dot talk @ googlemail dot com. Every week, we shall pick one out and answer it to the best of our capabilities.

This week's question..

Anonymous writes: Within the last year my boyfriend has gained a lot of weight and it has made our relationship increasingly difficult. He's gone from being an average sized bloke to obese. I still absolutely adore and love him, but I'm finding I'm less sexually attracted to him in his current state. I've hidden this as much as possible from him, but I'm pretty sure he suspects this and he's understandably hurt, and I feel like a total wench for feeling this way.

 

More importantly I'm extremely worried for his health. The last time he went to the doctor his cholesterol was really high and he has progressed from being an athletic guy to obese and on the road to an early grave. He was never an obsessively healthy eater, (growing up his family was never overtly into healthy eating) but he has definitely has developed an eating problem. He gets up at night to eat (I pretend to be asleep so as not to hurt his feelings), eats huge portions at meals and snacks on rubbish food throughout the day. I have also found secret stashes of food around the house. He has stopped exercising because I suspect he feels self conscious about his weight in the gym.

 

I have tried to gently talk to him about all this, but every time I try he becomes angry, defensive and withdrawn, and says things like "well if you are so worried, why don't you cook all my meals for me?" or starts to point out my physical flaws in an effort to hurt me. I know that there must be some psychological reason behind this eating problem, but nothing major (that I'm aware of) has happened within the last year that could trigger turning to food as a psychological comfort. Obviously I feel like the world's most inept girlfriend as he seems to be unable to confide in me and is turning to food for solace.

 

So, short of padlocking the fridge, monitoring every bite he ingests, and giving up my job to become his personal chef, how can I diplomatically help him towards a healthier lifestyle? And more importantly, how can I discover what the reason for his overeating is, and help him deal with it?

 

Sam says: I personally reckon that radical intervention is probably the only way forward. Eating this way is like an addiction – and breaking the habit is hard and painful and you need help with it. Trying to sort it out on your own would be a bit like trying to help your boyfriend sort out a drug problem without any help. Junk food is actually a like an addictive drug – the processed sugars give you a rush, making you feel great, then you quickly crash and crave more. It’s a vicious cycle that get’s worse and worse. In 1957 Dr William Coda Martin went as far to define sugar as a slow acting poison. He subsequently got the shit kicked out of him and his career wrecked by sugar-backed lobby groups, but with the current obesity and diabetes epidemic we are facing it looks like he might have been right after all.

 

It’s a big jump, but I’d suggest taking your boyfriend on a 7-day detox retreat. Sure, there is a lot of namby-pamby new age rot that goes along with it, but essentially what it will do is break his junk food and sugar addiction, lose some weight and give you chance to start again with his eating habits from scratch. It’s a bit pricey, but I reckon it’s cheap compared to the cost a) to his health b) to your relationship.

 

Unfortunately I don’t think talking is going to do a lot here. Radical action is what’s really needed.

PS this is my opinionated point of view without any particularly expertise in the area of weight or nutrition. Just the bunk I have read for interest.

 

‘Mr Sex’ says: Hm. From a distance, and looking at this from a strictly relationship angle (as I’m ‘Mr Sex’, not ‘Dr Sex’, after all), it seems to me like your chap is displaying extreme symptoms of Won-The-Battleness. All men go through it at some point; after exerting supreme amounts of will, effort and cash to land their partner (orany partner), it’s natural to think; ‘Cor, thank Christ I don’t have to go through all that shit any more’ and make another crisp and fish-finger sandwich whilst wearing that faded-out Undertaker t-shirt that somehow went missing during the courtship period. It’s a perfectly logical anti-honeymoon period, and it usually goes after a while. But sometimes, it doesn’t. And you discover you’ve shacked up with Stan Ogden. And that’s no fun at all.

 

There’s a good chance that something is really doing his head in at the moment, so I’m loath to advise you to tell him you can’t stand having it off with someone who is slowly turning into an indoor whale, for obvious reasons. What I do suggest you do is the next time he creeps downstairs for a midnight feast, you give it two minutes, go downstairs, and talk with him. About anything. Because at the moment, you lying in bed pretending to be asleep is part of the problem, I reckon. He knows he’s out of order, and he knows you know it, too; by both pretending that nothing’s wrong, you’re both leading up to a massive fall-out.

 

Eventually, when you do bring the subject of his weight up, definitely play up the health side and don’t mention the I-don’t-fancy-you-that-much bit at all. This is one of the few problems we’ve been asked about that really doesn’t have that much to do with sex, and loads more to do with self-confidence and other rubbishness, I fear.

 

People of TT: Comment!

Something for the Ladies # 22

Ladies: If there's ever been anything about men you've wanted to know but were afraid to ask, or wanted a male viewpoint on a certain relationship niggle you're going through, drop an email to us at todger dot talk at googlemail dot com. Every week, we shall pick one out and answer it to the best of our capabilities.

This week's question...

Anonymous writes: Basically, in short, this guy I'm seeing is a Sex God. Every time we meet up is amazing, we have so much fun together... and he makes me come at the drop of a hat. So really, I don't have anything to complain about.

Except for one thing; he smells a bit weird down there. It's not totally funky or a proper stench that I feel like I should stuff my nostrils with scented candles, but, the smell is strong enough to make me not want to touch, lick, kiss, or even look at it.

Which is annoying, 'cause firstly, I so would love to give him head, and do all kinds of other fun stuff with it; as much as I love receiving, giving would be just as yummy - and secondly, I make a huge effort making sure I'm clean and stuff when I see him.

He has a foreskin, but he's generally a clean guy and actually has a slight OCD with cleanliness. So, really, I guess what I'm asking is, how should I go about this? Do I tell him? If so, what's the best way to say it without totally killing him? Do I just try and drag him into the shower and try all my potions and lotions on him?

It's a really silly thing, I'm sure, but I'm actually quite a bit bothered by it all...

Sam says: This seems like a delicate matter, but to be honest you should just hit it head on.

As a kid, I used to be known as ‘Stinky’ because my mom never taught me to change my shirts each day (and also used to leave my shirts out in the rain so they smelt worse than if they haven’t been washed). I wandered around for years completely oblivious, because you just really tend to get used to your own pong.

One of the many good things she did teach me, however, was to wash my willy very thoroughly. If a bloke with a foreskin doesn’t wash his penis thoroughly and regularly he quickly gets a build-up of smegma (urrghh, even the word sounds horrible). And the definition is even better:

a thick, cheeselike, sebaceous secretion that collects beneath the foreskin

Going back to the ‘Stinky’ days; I will be eternally grateful to the friend who pulled me aside and told me about how much I ponged. It was direct, but it worked. I’m getting the feeling that your chap probably hasn’t been taught that he has to clean his little guy thoroughly every day.

You just need to bite the bullet and talk to him straight. Tell him his willy is smelly and that he needs to wash it thoroughly every day. Ask him about his current cleaning routine. You might even want to make a joke out of it and insist that he goes for a willy wash before you have sex. Or you could do willy inspections. The possibilities are endless.

The thing is, if he is the clean type of guy you’re saying he is, he will initially be really embarrassed, but then rigorously clean it every single day for the rest of his life. Small upfront pain, big long-term gain.

‘Mr Sex’ says: I’m feeling your pain, sister. As Stin- er, Sam – has pointed out, nob cheese is probably the prime offender here. I don’t know how experienced you or he is, but a properly washed tassle shouldn’t smell much of anything but the faint tang of manliness. (In fact, and I don’t want to alarm you here, if it whiffs of anything other than cheesey, a trip to the docs might be a bit necessary; he could have an infection, and not necessarily a sexual one)

As we’ve mentioned before, having a foreskin isn’t a bad thing or a particularly advantageous one, and the idea that foreskin = unhygienic is a load o’ bollocks. I have a foreskin, and you could eat your tea off my nob (as long as it was nouvelle cuisine, or sushi).

So, what you gonna do? You could be direct, and tell him you want to suck his cock, not eat it off a cracker – but seeing as he already sounds a bit paranoid about his personal appearance (which is normal: show me a man who makes an excuse to use your bathroom before a session, and I’ll show you someone trying to get their nob under the tap of your sink), it’ll probably be counter-productive.

If you’re both oral novices to each other, innocently (yet deviously) suggest that you’re dying to give him a nosh, but – seeing as you’re not that experienced – you want to get him in the shower first. Not only do you show him how to do it properly (and trust me, every time he washes his nob, he’ll be thinking of you), but you also get a hefty bit of American Werewolf In London-style foreplay in. After you’ve gone your mouthy thing, allude to him that if he keeps it clean, you’ll be up for more of that sort of palaver. Seeing as most men would happily roll across a racetrack full of speeding cars, broken glass and fire for a proper nosh off a saucy madam like you, he’ll get the message.

People of TT: Comment!

Something for the Ladies #21

Ladies: If there's ever been anything about men you've wanted to know but were afraid to ask, or wanted a male viewpoint on a certain relationship niggle you're going through, drop an email to us at todger dot talk at googlemail dot com. Every week, we shall pick one out and answer it to the best of our capabilities.

This week's question...

Anonymous writes: I have an issue that I'd like to get your opinion on.

I'm 8 months pregnant with my first child and the problem I have is with my boyfriend. He refuses to have sex with me as it 'freaks him out', but - and here's the problem - he constantly wants and moans that he doesn't get blow jobs.

When he confessed that he didn't want sex with me for whatever reason I was sympathetic and understanding. I understand that this is a problem for some men as they feel weird about having a baby in the way etc, and totally understood, although I was disappointed as I'm probably the horniest I've ever been.

I made it clear to him that I was ok with it, but sex was off limits until we both felt better about it, but now he constantly goes on about how frustrated he is. I've tried talking to him about it, but he just gets stroppy and says all he wants is a blow job.

I enjoy giving head to him, but I also see it as a two-way thing and if I'm not getting anything back then I don't see why I should have to. Sex to me is about being close with someone and giving him head then him rolling over satisfied doesn't fit that bill. I've told him countless times that I'm frustrated too, but he says things like 'well, it's OK for you because you've got a baby up there', which totally doesn't make sense! I'm also starting to think that it's not freaking him out it's just that he's lazy and sees this as a way to get what he wants.

Soon we're going to have bigger things on our minds than sex, but at the moment it's causing us problems as the time we spend together is spent with him sulking and being moody. So far I've refused to give into him, but he's making me feel like I'm being totally unreasonable.

Other than this problem everything else is good and we're both really looking forward to becoming parents, but unfortunately this is taking the shine off it somewhat. Do you have a different spin on this, or way we can talk this through before it comes to a head (pardon the pun)?

Sam says: Hmmm. Despite pretending to be supremely cerebral, us men can be extremely irrational creatures – you’ve got to remember that, really, we're pretty much just monkeys with a thin layer of extra brain that gives us civilisation, art etc. When it comes to stuff like sex, we just revert to being monkeys. The way he is acting, there is no point negotiating - like there is no point negotiating with monkeys or children.

What you can do is to take action. You’ve got to break the stalemate. Try this; get your favourite sex toy and show him how to bring you to orgasm with it. Tell him that every time he gives you an orgasm, you will give him a blow job. Alternatively, if he is good and comfortable with oral sex you can do the same thing.

The key here is that he MUST give you an orgasm first with the sex toy/or through oral sex BEFORE you give him a blow job. Otherwise, you'll give him a blow job, he'll promise to get you off and probably over, make an excuse and fail to deliver. This way at least you'll be getting satisfied, feel that he is actually putting some effort in, and will get what he wants. He may moan a bit, chuck a bit of a wobbly, but all that will be forgotten post-blow job.

No negotiation. Just offer him the deal and make sure he delivers first. With a quick bit of consistent training he will quickly learn he’s got to complete his side of the bargain to get what he wants.

'Mr Sex' says: Ooer. This might run a bit deeper than simple male laziness, I reckon. You could write an entire library of books about the awkwardness men feel when it comes to pregnancy and sex. I'm feeling incredibly awkward just thinking about what to write next, in order to awkwardly describe to you how just awkward it is. That's how awkward it is.

OK, facts first; yes, it is entirely possible to have vaginal intercourse with a pregnant partner. Obviously, you're not going to want to be swinging off the chandelier or diving off the top of the wardrobe, but both rumpy and pumpy are entirely do-able for quite a while (depending on loads of different factors at different points of your pregnancy). And your increased randiness is totally par for the course; my female friends who've been in a stickwardly-upward direction were exactly the same.

Problem is, an alarmingly high proportion of men go absolutely wappy when it comes to pregnant partners. Some of them go all protective and gooey (and want to treat you and Babbeh with kid gloves). Some of them get paranoid as fuck (thinking it's a bit wrong to get their end away while their own child is a mere few inches away), and some of them just don't like the idea of it. At all. Actually, vast chunks of society have a problem with it; they want you to mince around in frilly Laura Ashley dresses, and smile demurely a lot. And when something like this comes along, pitchforks tend to get brandished.

Personally, and I may be wrong here, your chap sounds the type who feels that if he's not getting some cockery-fannyage, he's not really having proper sex - but he will settle for a nosh if that's all that's on offer. If he was that selfish before you got preggeh, then oh dear - this is one man who doesn't know that there's more than one way to skin a cat, and you need to sort that out pronto when you're back on form. Why isn't he offering to go down on you? Have you not discussed the possibilty of anal sex? Is he not aware of the immense personal pride and satisfaction that can be derived from jilling one's partner off? Is he worried that he might get you pregn...actually, forget I just said that.

Personally, I feel that you have to make him see that if he's expecting you to go over six months without getting seen to in one way or another, he's going the right way towards his lack of understanding being reciprocated in future. Obviously a bit late in the day for this advice now, I know, but the next time, you should encourage him not to see pregnancy as 'no vaginal sex', but 'half-year opportunity to experiment like a bastard with dead randy woman'.

But then again, I've never got anyone pregnant or been pregnant, so I'm fully expecting our lovely readers to come at me with things I'd never think of in a million years. And seeing as this has been loitering in the Todger Talk in-tray for ages, congratulations on Mr Stork coming a-knocking.

Readers of TT: Comment!

Sam: Makes all the hard work worthwhile . . .

Hi,

I don't know if you ever hear how your advice works out but I thought I'd share. I wrote into something for the ladies week #3 about how, despite being attractive, I was only finding hookup situations and not relationships. Over the last four months I have been amazed to finally be in a loving relationship and I have to give some credit to keeping all your advice in the back of my mind. Specifically Mr. Sex said not to put sex first in my mind and quoted the Simpson's on a man's need for anticipation and Sam made suggestions about avoiding the attraction trap.

In the end I met the person through friends at a moment when I wasn't thinking about relationships, so neither of us had to approach, we were just sitting in a group with friends, and my "fuck off" vibe was slightly lessened. And second, by then I'd made a policy of being clear about what I wanted. For me this meant I wasn't having sex with someone unless we were in an exclusive relationship. Telling guys this up front totally makes a difference, you get a lot more time for getting to know each other or "courtship" before anyone ends up with their clothes off. Anyways, thanks for your help. I still read TodgerTalk and recommend it to my friends!

Best,

C

Something For The Ladies #20

Ladies: If there's ever been anything about men you've wanted to know but were afraid to ask, or wanted a male viewpoint on a certain relationship niggle you're going through, drop an email to us at todger dot talk at googlemail dot com. Every week, we shall pick one out and answer it to the best of our capabilities.

This week's question...

Potential Barren Old Spinster of The Parish writes: Following on from an earlier post on Todger Talk, which touched on the subject of the 'Commitment Conversation', I would like to understand a man's view on the subject. I am currently in a relationship of 3 years and everything has been going swimmingly, subject to the usual ups & downs, and we have been living together for over a year. I have spoken vaguely with him about getting married & having kids but have recently brought up the subject again, with a more serious tone and am not very encouraged by the response, or lack thereof.

I want kids very much; it is non-negotiable for me but I do not want to have kids outside of wedlock (old-fashioned I know). Therefore, without these 2 things I cannot see a future in the relationship, no matter how good it is. He says that these things will just evolve naturally as the relationship progresses, but it's been 3 years already – how much longer are you supposed to wait? Also, how does it evolve if it is not spoken about? I also have to consider the fact that I am pushing 30 and don't have the luxury of time on my side with the baby issue. I know this is so not attractive, but what can you do?

He is 16 years older than me, already has 1 much-loved child and has had 2 broken engagements in his past, 1 of them due to the fact that his fiancée cheated on him. He rarely mentions it, but I think he was probably badly burned from his past relationship(s), which is what I feel to be the real issue, and while I can understand this it's hardly fair to tar me with the same brush. He's not going to say he will but he also isn't prepared to say he won't. I'm not going to be issuing any ultimatums, neither will I be 'forgetting' my pill as it's just not my style, but where do I go from here?

I would love to know why men react in this way when commitment is brought up and how / when they would like to approach the subject. Please don't all yell "NEVER NEVER NEVER" at once.

Sam says: OK, there are a couple of issues here, one about men generally and another about your guy specifically.

Let's talk about men in general first. Generally men will cruise along with whatever is going along, and if it is good, we are happy with the status quo. One client of mine was rather mystified when is partner of 7 years was getting miffed that he hadn't proposed yet. We figure if we can be in a relationship without all that marriage malarkey, why do anything to change it?

Secondly, let's talk about him. Humans are fundamentally simple creatures; we move towards pleasure and away from pain. When there are large amounts of pain involved, our brain massively imprints on the events and things happening and goes to pretty much any lengths to avoid them in the future. This can have some unfortunate consequences - e.g., your man’s brain has ‘Engagement = Massive Pain and Suffering” branded into his memory. Any time engagement comes up - even it is to a lovely girl like you - his brain goes "PAIN, PAIN, STAY AWAY, STAY AWAY'. A completely irrational (yet quite powerful) knee-jerk reaction.

So from his brain’s point of view, he's getting everything that he wants; he's got kids, a nice relationship and is managing to avoid something bad. Why risk all this niceness for potential pain?

The solution? Make it clear that if he doesn't propose, there lies the way of MASSIVE PAIN - i.e. you will leave him. But beware - people don't like moving towards pain, so expect some serious resistance from him; you are trapping him between a rock and a hard place. I know you don't like ultimatums, but it won't happen unless you take a stand. I would also advise that you start seriously thinking about your Plan B.

‘Mr Sex’ says: Well first off, you shouldn’t feel at all shitty about knowing what you want out of a relationship; you should be congratulated.

Let’s address his previous relationship, because I’ve been through something similar myself. Yes, him being shat on by an ex is going to impact upon every relationship, and it takes a long time to completely trust someone again, if ever. Not because he’s that ‘all women are deceitful slappers’ one – it’s actually because, in the deepest recesses of his brain, there’s a little nodule that keeps saying ‘She shat on you because you weren’t good enough – and if you weren’t good enough for her, after all the effort you put in, how the fuck do you expect to hang on to anyone else?’

So yeah, all the relationships he has after that is going to have to measure up to the colossal highs and gargantuan lows of his first proper one. And this isn’t a male-specific problem, either; when anyone gets shat on, it takes a lot of wiping from the next person (and possibly the next, the fifth, or up to and maybe even beyond the twentieth one) to get rid of it.

But having said that, that’s no excuse for him to expect you to hang around like a big sucky mare and deal with it. Truth is, your modern male can be an extraordinary ditherer when it comes to big decisions like marriage, mainly because they want avoid the risk of their partners saying no, and basically putting the tin lid on any chance of a proper, lifelong relationship. Certain partners don’t help, either, as they can send their chaps conflicting messages. I had an ex who would bang on for ages that she didn’t want to get married and be treated like chattel, and then when we were in bed later would take my signet ring off my finger and go to sleep with it on her wedding finger.

The best thing you can do is flat-out tell him that you want to spend the rest of your life with him, and you want to get married and have kids. Actually, fuck it – why don’t you propose to him? He has the right to say no, but you have the right to piss off and get what you want elsewhere.

People of TT: Comment!