Sam: Hunting for Fun

On the weekend I went out for a drink and a dance for a mate's 30^th. Now this friend has become thoroughly domesticated. Conversation included kids, renovation, the constant daze of sleeplessness caused by kids, more rennovation and buying a house 250m up the road from their old house to make sure the kids got into a decent school. The last time this friend had been out clubbing was five, yes count them, five years ago.

We were reminiscing about back in the day and this friend was giving me a ribbing about how in a club once we had been dancing and then ten seconds later I was snogging some girl. I’d spotted a signal and gone of the kill. I was a bit of a bad boy (read wanker) in those days. In those days going clubbing was all about the hunt. I remembered what a rush it was when some girl looks at you, gives you that look and then it was time to go for the kill. 

But now things have changed. Now I’m hunting for fun. All my 30 something friends are pretty much domesticated, don’t like the same sort of music as me, or have kids. My fiancée has finally admitted she hates the music I love, and was just pretending to like it all those years, just like I was pretending to like her hard core hip hop.

At the club, when we were all having a jive, I spotted this great dancer. She was fun, having a ball and I had no interest in shagging her. She was the type of person I would really just like to spend some evenings out with burning up the dance floor until closing time and looking for all the world like a Soho native. We had a bit of a boogey– it was the most fun I’ve had under disco balls in ages. But then I pulled out. I was feeling guilty. Did it look like I was trying to pull her? Wasn’t that wrong? Certainly my friends gave me a ‘you sly old devil’ look.

The problem is that there is general presumption is that if you have a dance with a female stranger in a nightclub, you just want to shag them. That was certainly true back in the day, but now, well, I just want to, well, dance. If you have a dance with a male stranger in soho, they presume that you are going to be meeting in the bathroom in the next 10 minutes.

So I was stuck with the conundrum, how do you hunt for fun? It is possible to get the rush of hunting for a dancing partner and that’s ok. Maybe there are girls and guys out there that are happy to burn up the dance floor with a 30 something ex-clubber and just want to dance and not shag. But I guess before I find out, I'm going to get over my own outdated habit that the dance floor is for hunting for a sex, not hunting for fun.

Sam: Cultural Confusion

It’s Christmas party season, and I’ve been out chatting as usual. My most recent interesting conversation was with a very attractive and very single Italian woman. She was totally confused as to why, after years in England she had failed to snag a boyfriend.

Since these things are endlessly fascinating I started asking her some questions. Were the only guys that actually approached her idiot womaniser types? ‘Yes! How did you know?’, She asked surprised. How did she feel about making it clear that man was interested in her ‘Well I couldn’t do that, I’d be acting like a slut!’. Things started to become clear this was a case of cultural confusion. The thing is that in Italy if you give out any signals at all (e.g. making eye contact or smiling) you are pretty much seen as being totally up for it. You can start to see why friendly American women get into so much trouble and feel totally sexually harassed in Italy.

The interesting thing is that while all cultures tend to use the same basic flirting signals, the whole flirting dance changes in every county you go to – in some places it is as different as the language.  Sometimes it is louder, sometimes more subtle. The problem for this Italian woman is that in Italy the rules are very different to the UK. In Italy a man is interested he will relentlessly pursue his woman only giving up after a long and heated chase. ‘Of course in Italy No means yes!’ She proclaimed. ‘It is like a film I saw set in Rome, there is a man, who has just seen a woman, he runs up to her, proclaiming his love. She slaps him, tells him to fuck off and to get away from her. The next scene he grabs her and they both kiss passionately!’. Try the same thing in the UK and they would probably be calling the police.

So this poor Italian woman had completely turned off all her public flirting signals (as is appropriate for Italy), which means British men presume she is unavailable and she only attracts the womanising rule breakers. It would be nice is someone could get around to publishing the International Languages of Love. Would lead to a lot less confusion for everyone.

Dave: Mind the Gap

I wish more women made the first move. And despite what they say very few ever do. Of course that could easily be misconstrued as the ones I meet not actually fancying me, but I’m far too pretty for that to be the case. I also appreciate that part of the sexual excitement for many a woman is the ‘dominance’ (perhaps not the most accurate term) of the man – leaning in confidently, making her knees turn to jelly, oh, the film industry has a lot to answer for.

But it’s that vital gap between reading the signals, clearly having gone down a storm – making her laugh hysterically, lots of body contact, etc. – and ending up in bed together. Or the pub toilet. Or a poorly lit corner of the car park.

But it’s the potential misreading of said signals, which prevents the follow through. I mean, being the over-sensitive flower I can be at times, the idea of leaning in, following hours, days or weeks of transparent mutual flirting, and being rebuffed is totally mortifying (possibly another reason so many sensible women avoid doing it). The devastation is explosive. You start thinking whether she now sees you as a terrible person (or not terrible enough, in some cases). Then you start to feel like a terrible person, or even worse, a terrible failure. And once these feelings rear their ugly heads, your already faux confidence has gone off arm in arm with your masculinity for a yearlong trip around the world, leaving you even more sexually unappealing, or so it seems.

It’s just that space between doing everything right, little pressure, everyone enjoying themselves and ‘closing the deal’ where all semblance of charisma and charm you had at your disposal decides it’s time for a well earned nap. It always seems so crass to actually utter the words, “So, er, want to…?” (cue raised eyebrow). Or else you worry it’s a mood killer to openly question the other party’s interest. Hence the lunging in technique.

Perhaps it’s a combination of being unable to read the signals, low self-esteem, and that desire to be the one being pounced on?

Even if you do get further than a warm hug and a hefty handshake, the introspective concerns follow you to the bedroom. Having impressed all night through witty repartee, you worry about her perception of you altering somewhat when you oratory skills diminish into, “Oh yeah. Oooh yeah. Use your tongue. Oh God Yeah, baby. Bite that. That’s good. Do you want this? Do you? Huh?”

I have been known to come into some criticism for being too quiet. Understandably they’ve questioned their own abilities. The irony being that in response to their anxious query over whether I enjoyed it or not, internally the answer is at times, Well, actually No. But nothing whatsoever to do with them. It’s the fear of reprisal. Losing the sexual allure you portrayed by losing yourself honestly in the throws of passion. Incredibly self-destructive, really. But hey, what ya gonna do?

Dave: Sexual Chemistry 101

I was at a mate’s birthday last weekend chatting away with a female friend for most of the night. We were laughing and joking and generally messing about (not like that) as friends do. Later on, outside the pub having a ciggy, my mate’s sister enquired if the girl I’d been talking with and I were together. When I asked what had led her to this curious consideration, she told me in complete earnest that the sexual chemistry exuded between us was that of a couple of lifers at Wormwood Scrubs.

With this notion evilly implanted in my none too sober brain, my ego decided to collaborate with the id - after all, my friend’s incredibly attractive and I’m a randy little bugger anyway - and I return to my friend with renewed vigour. Naturally, I would need to ease this theory into the fold lest my advisor prove less than astute with her revelations. So we pick up where we had left off, kidding around and after a while I throw the idea in there with an air of absurdity. She laughs, playing along with the idea. Ah, I think, allowing my rationale to be driven further back by pervy possibility. Then drop the smile and say ‘No, seriously.’ This she finds hilarious, obviously believing it to be part of the jocularity. I laugh along too. Then again losing the smile with improved sincerity and say, ‘No, properly seriously.’ Once the penny drops, out come the ‘ums’ and ‘ahs’ of discomfort, prior to the ‘good-friend speech’.

Why had I allowed myself to become susceptible to suggestion?

Simple. Signals are hard enough to read in the first place. Or more poignantly, easier to misread. So I tend to leave them alone, mistrustful of so-called telltale signs of interest. If she’d stripped down to her underwear and leapt on me tearing at my jeans, then and only then might I have thought, “Hang on, is she trying to tell me something?” Otherwise it’s the cowardly road of avoiding possible rejection. At least, usually it is.

It seems that bystanders (especially those of a female persuasion) can pick up on signals or ‘chemistry’ better than the participants. I agree that taking a step back, broadening the picture will normally provide you with a greater perspective. However, a fleeting glance at two people in a potentially compromising position is not enough information to go on and formulate valid judgments with. Or at the very least not ones to then pass on to one of the drunken idiots involved.

The problem is that reason is stretched to its limit in trying to contain and control desire. And it only takes the tiniest nudge of encouragement to free the moron within. You know when you fancy someone. And you usually have a fair idea if it’s reciprocated or not, especially coming from the aforementioned assumption that without physical proof it’s best considered that it’s not. But, the male psyche, in regards to sex, is disposed to outside female influence. This is what has us sneaking peeks at magazine agony aunt columns (that, and the mild titillation at the sexual queries). A casual observation coming from a male counterpart, and we indulge it for a few seconds before thinking what the fuck would he know. From a woman however, and that stupid part of the brain (probably the feminine part which would explain the psychological link) starts dishing out delusions of grandeur.

The moral is (though it’s more obvious advice than a moral) if you too struggle to read blatant sexual signals, do nothing. Never under any circumstances listen to the advice of a casual observer. Not unless, you get a thrill out of feeling stupid.

Sam: Signals from Men

Last week I talked about flirting signals from women. But what about flirting signals from men?

Men are simple creatures. If they look at you once, then they are checking you out. If they look at you twice, then they fancy you. If they look at you more than this then they really fancy you.

This fits in perfectly with the idea of giving a green light. Because if you manage to catch their eye a second time you also know that they are giving you a green light back - in other words, if they catch your eye again they fancy you. And what about when you actually get talking to them?

According to the international body language expert Tracey Cox, the following are sure signs things are going well:

He’ll become an attention seeker – when a guy fancies you he will try and attract your attention. This might mean he suddenly seems to become louder and more boisterous or makes exaggerated movements and gestures. He might also stand slightly apart from his friends.

He’ll play with his hair – if a guy fancies you he will involuntarily ‘preen’ trying to make himself look good for you.

He’ll show off his body – when a guy fancies you he will stand taller and perhaps slightly puff out his chest.

He’ll show off the crown jewels – men don’t realise this, but when they are around women they fancy, they unconsciously spread their legs, showing you what’s on offer.

He’ll start undressing – when we fancy someone we unconsciously start undressing. If he starts undoing buttons, or taking off his jacket, then he is starting something he would probably like to finish in your bedroom

His hands will go on his hips – unconsciously he is making himself look bigger which suggests confidence. Also, we point towards what we want people to see, so you might notice his fingers pointing towards his groin.

He’ll start touching himself – when we are attracted to someone, our skin, particularly our mouth, becomes more sensitive to being touched. You might notice him touching his chin, lips or cheek more or drinking or smoking faster.

He’ll lend you something – this is a protective and sexy ownership gesture – he is offering something that is his to you. Plus, it means he has to hang around to get it back before the end of the night.

Sam: Signal Failure

One of the most common flirting ailments is signal failure.

What is interesting about signal failure is that different cultures seems to have different version of the ailment. For instance, the British seem to find it particularly difficult to show interest in someone that they fancy. The Americans, on the other hand, tend to seem to be showing interest in everyone. Australians come across as just being friendly.

So what is all this signal stuff? The easiest way to understand it is that we are all walking around with a big traffic light over our head. For each person we see, the traffic light either shows

• Red – not interested
• Orange – maybe, get ready for action
• Green – I fancy you, come over and have a chat

The signals are given off through your body language – or, more specifically, through eye contact.

What is interesting is that eye contact is a subject that is mentioned by many flirt experts, but it is something that is mentioned in passing. Glibly they mention that if someone is interested, they will give you three seconds eye contact. Then they will look back a second time.

From my practical experience down in the trenches of the flirting war zone, eye contact is one of the biggest mine fields. The amount of eye contact that people give varies enormously, based on the city that you live in and the country where you are from. This then gives rise to an enormous amount of confusion. Women think they are giving a green light, and men are just not sure.

This whole issue really hit home to me running workshops on giving eye contact. I realised that this was crucial, because reading the material it said that three seconds of eye contact was a green light, but in the reality of London I found it was enormously difficult.

So at a singles night I gathered together 20 men and women. They were placed on either side of the room, and each were allocated a person to give their green light to. Just telling people how long is not enough – when I told the women 3 seconds, it looked to the men like it was 3 microseconds. What was amazing was that to the women it felt like it was ten minutes.

“Oh my god that felt weird”, “I must look like a crazy person”, “Now he knows I’m begging for it”, “That felt like ages and ages”. The comments from the women went on, just like this.

To this, the men responded: “That was really quick”, “I missed that”, “Was that a green light?”

What is really crucial is to get the timing exactly right.

We changed tack, and I got the women in the group to look across at the men and say in their head “You . . . are really fit”. Now, I have to admit that this is a particularly British saying. For Australians, to be fit just means you jog a lot and go to the gym. But of course, here it means attractive, gorgeous, hot etc, etc. My first attempts at “You are really hot” failed miserably as the women descended into fits of giggles.

Anyway, once the women started doing this and saying this so if felt like they were talking slowly in their heads – looking at the guy they fancied, catching his eye directly, saying (inside their head) “you are really gorgeous”, then looking away, suddenly everything changed.

“That is definitely a green light!”, “Oh Yeah” etc etc came from the men. So the issue is that timing is crucial. It can’t be too short, because men won’t realise that you are giving them a green light.

On the other hand, it can’t be too long. Historically eye contact is an extremely powerful body language signal. Researchers have found that people who are in love spend more than 70% of the time staring in each other’s eyes making direct eye contact. On the other side, between men, extended eye contact is a signal of aggression. Monkeys are the same, prolonged eye contact between males leads either to a) one male looking away and submitting or b) combat.

In a big city like London, essentially the most common people who make prolonged eye contact with you either want your money, or they want to sell something to you. Obviously when you are flirting you don’t want to come across as a money grabbing salesman.

For this reason, women often feel uncomfortable giving prolonged eye contact. However, what feels to them like a really long time, actually looks on the outside like a short time. In workshops, when women practice on each other rather than other men, the same pattern emerges. The woman giving the eye contact says “Oh that was ages”, and the woman receiving the eye contact says “That was really quick!”.

After much trying and testing, having women looking at men and saying “You are really fit” has proved to be the perfect balance between, long enough – so the men would see the green signal, and short enough so the woman didn’t look like a desperate money grabber.

To sum up:

• One of the most common flirting ailments is signal failure
• We give off flirting signals through our body language
• The amount of eye contact that women give various enormously
• To give a green signal, hold his eye contact and say ‘you are really fit!’ in your head. Then repeat.
• Eye contact shouldn’t be any longer than this or it could be perceived as intimidating or desperate