'Mr Sex': That's it, I'm retiring

See, this is what happens when you don't keep your sex blog updated: a young pretender jumps in and knocks you out of the saddle. Warning: possibly not suitable for work, and definitely not suitable for eyes;

So let's review the art of, ahem, 'Pu$$y Eating', in case you missed anything;

1. Put on the kind of music you'd hear at a Berni Inn, or the lobby of the Crossroads Motel

2. Mouth the words 'I Love You', in the style of Derek Smalls during the middle eight of Listen To The Flower People

3. Sensuously suckle upon your partner's massively long forked clitoris

4. Pretend to have taken a sheet of LSD the size of a queen-sized quilt cover

5. Mash the breasts that have suddenly appeared around your partner's fanny

6. Generally, as my Nana used to say whenever I was playing Pac-Man on the Atari, 'not hold your mouth right'.

Update: And ladies - if you've ever lain abed at night fantasising about men erotically eating a miniature hunk of Lidl stollen to third-division Techno, your wish is my command...

'Mr Sex' sees the writing on the wall

A Young Friend of 'Mr Sex' regaled me over the weekend with information about the house she's just purchased, but unlike every other story I've ever heard from someone whose just bought a house, it's actually interesting.

Before I relay it to you, a minor proviso; we were both pissed up when the tale was told, so my recollection may be a little shaky - but the main point is absolutely, unquestionably true. I have pictorial evidence.

Now then, said mate purchased the house from a couple in their seventies; a chap called Tony, and a lady whose name I didn't catch, unfortunately. They'd been there for nigh on 40 years, and the house was in good nick, although a bit chintzy. So, when she got settled in, she got on with the job of availing the walls of manky 70s wallpaper, with a view to putting up something that someone else would find disgusting and dated sometime in 2041.

Whilst removing three layers of wallpaper, she chanced upon the following letters;

I L

Awr, she thought, trying to imagine Tony and his new bride moving in at the start of their married life, picturing him tucking his kipper tie into his Bri-Nylon tangerine shirt to avoid splash-back as he proclaimed his love for his True Intended, waiting to see shards of unadulterated glee explode from her little face when she came home from work and saw it. Then she scraped back a little bit more;

I LIKE

Hm. That's a tad noncommittal, isn't it? But no matter; gripped with an almost religious fervour to discover the hidden message, just like that scene in The Da Vinci Code - even though I've not seen it, but I bet there's one anyway - she set about the wall with the scraper until every shred was removed.

This is what she discovered. Round about the same time that the Americans left a plaque on the surface of the moon, this is what someone in my home town had similarly hewn for future generations to discover and ponder the meaning of. This is what my mate has to stare at until she gets the right wallpaper sorted out.



Naturally, there's been ramifications. For one, my mate absolutely dreads the approach of workmen to her door, and is shitting bricks that one of them will be called Tony and will think she's trying to tell him something. Even worse, Tony's missus has found out, courtesy of a neighbour who still knows her, and it's safe to say that Tony is in for some shit. Possibly because it's taken her this long to find out, when it's too late to do anything about it.

Personally, my sympathies are completely with Tone. Being the romantic that I am, I choose to see him as a crusader for the sanctity of the female orgasm, stuck in a dark age when cunnilingus was considered as something that only depraved women would want and even more depraved men would offer, unleashing his inner turmoil with a passionately anguished flourish of erotic samizdat. Because if I don't think that, I'm led to the more prosaic conclusion that he'd been working through a crate of brown ale and flicking through a copy of Titbits while his missus was at the bingo, and it was all too much for him. And I don't want to think about that.

So, lovely readers of TT - what disgusting filth have you secreted for future generations (and possibly aliens) to discover? I'll be the first to confess; there are more than a few drawings of cocks with all spunk coming out them in the lift shaft of the TK Maxx in the Broadmarsh Centre attributed to me, when I was a lift boy and it was a Co-Op. There. I feel much better. Your turn.

(Oh, and Tony, if you're reading this - why didn't you rely on Manbits to get you out of this awful situation? I would have advised you to style your way out of it by telling the wife that you were only expressing your love for Fannetone, a made-up pasta dish that came in a packet in the early 70s...)

'Mr Sex': The Official Todger Talk Easter-Related Sex Tip

1) Buy one of those boxes of Cadburys Creme Eggs.

2) Unwrap the first one.

3) Bite the top off.

4) Remove all of the fondant creme yolky bit using your tongue.

5) Repeat with the remaining five.

6) Go down to shops, and repeat stages 1-5 over and over again

Congratulations. You have just improved your oral sex technique. All you need to do is find a woman who doesn't mind double chins or pustule-ridden complexions, and then wonder that no advertising executive has ever clocked that going down on Cadbury's Creme Eggs is the male version of this. Happy Easter. See you next week.

'Mr Sex': I (co-)wrote the book on oral sex

Now, you know this wouldn't be a proper sex blog if the authors didn't relentlessly shill whatever books they cranked out, so I hope you'll forgive me if I alert your attention to The Going Down Guide, which I've just heard will be out in America in the summer. It's the first book with my name on it, and was co-written with my fellow Scarlet writer Emily Dubberley. Eeh, me Mam's right proud.

I promise not to say any more about it, apart from;

1. That bloke on the cover is not me.
   
2. I hope he has a shave before he gets his mouth round his bird's bits.
3. It tells you everything you need to know about how to give someone a proper nosh.
4. If your current oral technique is like the Elephant Man after dental anaesthetic, you need to read this.
   
5. (or you could just ask me in the pub)
   

Something for the ladies # 24

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Something For The Ladies, #19

Ladies: If there's ever been anything about men you've wanted to know but were afraid to ask, or wanted a male viewpoint on a certain relationship niggle you're going through, drop an email to us at todger dot talk at googlemail dot com. Every week, we shall pick one out and answer it to the best of our capabilities.

Gentlemen: We would very much appreciate your input, so the comments section of each Something For The Ladies post will be yours and yours alone for 24 hours. In other words, all female comments will be deleted. Sorry ladies, but in this case we'd be very grateful if you'd hush those sweet keystrokes and let the chaps have their say. Just for today, though.

This week's question...

Any Sumo On asks: I know this is going to sound really bad, but my new boyfriend is very keen on giving me oral, and I’m not enjoying it. The really bad thing about this is that I used to love oral in previous relationships, but he’s just not hitting the spot for me, and to be honest I’d rather tell him that I’m not really into it then tell him he’s not working it right. Is there any way I can put him right without bruising his ego?

Sam says: This is a really interesting question – oral sex is tricky, literally. I think most guys have found that actually giving good oral sex is a real art and something that has to be mastered. The converse side of that is that if we feel we haven't mastered it, it is very unlikely that we will try, and then if we do it means something special. I think there are two broad types of oral sex that men give:

Party Trick Oral Sex – this is the type that certain guys have mastered and will wheel out at any opportunity. Basically we have mastered some sort of technique that is a pretty sure fire way to give a woman an orgasm. We basically do it to show how good we are in bed and to impress you up front, and also to ensure an excellent reputation amongst your attractive friends. More about gold stars than intimacy.

Intimate Oral Sex – for men oral sex is actually intimate because it means exposing ourselves to failure. It is where we are putting our performance on the line – it's easy to have a good hard shag and feel you are getting somewhere, but if you bugger up oral sex it is painfully obvious and heavily ego bruising. So for a man to give you oral sex it is very intimate because he is showing he is willing to mess up.

‘Mr Sex’ says: Yes, there is a way to put him right, and it’s a frighteningly simple one; tell him what you actually want him to do down there. People’s orifices are not Lego pieces, that fit together perfectly in every combination – some people like one thing, some people like another, and so on. For example, I've been with women who were convinced that deep-throating was a sure-fire technique to get any man off, but it actually doesn't do much for me - I prefer more attention at the tip. A lot of people discover what makes them tick sexually very early, because they're far more up for experimentation. As time goes on, they find out what they feel works best, and they stick to it. In other words, the nosh he's giving you is the one that worked for his ex. Or the one before that. As far as he knows, he's going a grand job, becuse you've not told him otherwise.

So what do you do? Well, as you've already surmised, pointing out that his current technique is about as sensuous as being licked a bulldog with Bells Palsy is an ego-bruiser. And some women are scarily shy to point out what they like, because they feel that it implies they've been round the track (which is bollocks, but anyway). What you have to do is telegraph your requirements subly. Don't say "I used to love it when my ex did this" (because it'll imply that he was better, and cause major grief) - say "I'd love it if you did that to me". And if you're really shy about coming out with it, put on your coyest Lady-Di-peeping-through-her-fringe look and say "You know, I've always wanted someone to do this to me".

Because, at the end of the day, he actually wants to make you come. He's not down there because you've got a miniature telly built into your groin, after all. And if you reciprocate by getting him to talk about what he really likes or would like to try, everyone's a winner. Even me, because my Mr Sex-senses will be tingling away on the other side of the world when you get it right, and I shall stroke my cat and spin in my revolving chair with glee at another job well done.

Gentlemen of TT: Comment!