Sex Toy Review: The Sex Counter

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Sex Toy Review: Tenga Flip Hole Black

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Sex Toy Review: The Tenga Egg

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Sex Toy Review: The Puma Swede Lotus Fleshlight

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Sex Toy Review: the Miho Maeshima Realistic Japanese Masturbator

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Sex Toy Review: the Tenga Flip Hole

Right then; if you've been reading this blog over the past few months, you'll be aware of TodgerTalk's crusade to sweep rubbishy fanny-shaped male sex toys off the shelf of your local blacked-out grot shop and replace them with something that doesn't automatically make you feel like the loneliest pervert in the world while you're using it .

Some of the best items we've come across - stop laughing at the back - were made by Tenga, a Japanese company that hit upon the idea of disguising silicone fannies as 1980s roll-on deodorants. In the review, I pointed out that they were this close to getting it right, and the only drawback was that you could only use them once and they cost over ten pounds a chuck. If only they could sort out a reusable one...

And here it is. And I don't mean to put a downer on anyone out there currently bragging about their iPhone on Facebook or in pubs, but fuck your iPhone. The Tenga Flip Hole is the true gadgety breakthrough of 2008. I've been standing at the traffic lights at the bottom of the street, ramming my groin against it in a pantomime of one-upmanship, and saying "What, this? Yes it is, actually. I'm one of the first people in the world to have one. Jealous? Yeah. Thought so".

Instruction Sample: Er, mine was so hot from the factory that all the instructions were in Japanese. Luckily, being male, I looked at it and heard a deep primal voice inside, grunting "Hole...cock..good". Although English instructions are here, it's a piece of piss to use; the actual flippy bit is held in place with a slidable base which covers the hole when not in use, and holds everything together.

You will also need: Enough lube to push a beached whale through an airport security gate, because unlike the disposable Tengas, there's no built-in lube reservoir. Naturally, Tenga have made their own - available in Mild, Real or Wild - and a small stopper of each comes attached. But you'll need more.

Looks like: When free-standing, a new Apple range of room deodorizers. I've had it sat on my shelf for the past week, and no-one has been any the wiser. When opened, a clam-shell phone of the type used by the cast of Space:1999. It's impossible to describe the inside of this without sounding like Stuart Hall on It's A Knockout; you go through the Lip Flap, past the Side Rib, across the Quattro Wave, through the - Ha HA! - Wing Gate, and into the End Orb. I mean, just look at it. It's a veritable nobstacle course;

Feels like: Well. It goes without saying that it's heavier than your regular Tenga and a bit of a handful, but you quickly get used to it. And those buttons on the side are not for show; they actually allow you to regulate the pressure of the suction. After you've sorted that out, the ripply sensation up and down your shaft is pretty damn spectacular. I've not lasted more than three minutes on it yet, and am very worried that it might run off with someone else if I don't pace myself.

Clean-up: Could have been a huge problem, what with all the crevices and whatnot - but thanks to the clam-shell design, it's piss easy; open it up, give it a proper rinse, mount it on the base, and that's it.

Partner compatibility: Partner? What is this...partner you speak of?

Pros: Easily the best male sex toy on the market at the moment, as it ticks all the boxes; doesn't look like a sex toy, does things that a human hole can't, actually works, easy to clean up and even looks a bit stylish, in a geeky way. If you're planning to pull your iPud, this is what you need to be doing it with.

Cons: Only good for 50 goes - but having said that, over a pound a go is far better value than over a tenner for a one-shot deal.

The Tenga Flip Hole, £54.99, kindly provided by lovehoney.co.uk

Sex Toy Review: Nexus Vibro Ribbed

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Sex Toy Review: The Xtreme Optimum Vertical Power Stroker

You thought the Triffid up the arse was the scariest sex toy in the Todger Talk cupboard? Ha. Look at this bastard. Now imagine it moving. Up and down. Very quickly. Eek.

This none-more-90’s-sounding wanking machine (and Whoa! It's so EXTREME, Dude, that it doesn't even need an 'E') is intimidating as fuck. Not only does it sound like something the Power Rangers would use on their day off (if they could get out of their catsuits), but it takes four C batteries. Four! That's enough to power a decent-sized Third World village, for Christ's sake! The premise is simple and promising enough; a Turbo-Wank of the type you used to be able to give yourself when you were 15, and then stare in awe at the size of your Popeye-like forearm afterwards.

Instruction Sample: “Any product use for medical purpose or that has an adverse effect on any function of the body is prohibited”

Looks like: A miniature Tombola machine.

Feels like: You’re being molested by an industrial milking machine. Not to say that’s a particularly bad thing, but it takes a long time to get comfortable with. To fully enjoy the sensations this machine can provide, you need a) the girth of a French stick, b) some earplugs (as it makes the kind of racket that could wake up the entire street if your window was open), and c) the tolerance and patience not to inwardly scream "I AM NOT A COW! I AM A MAAAANNNNN!"

Clean-up: Detach the noduled Senso© Shaft, turn it inside-out, give it a rinse, put it back in the milker, put back in box, bury as far down in wheelie bin as possible, make sure you're out when bin men come round.

Partner Compatibility: You might as well go out shopping or something when this is on.

Pros: It's supposed to be hands-free, but it isn't; you need one hand to grab the massive speed-control-thing, and another to keep the milker balanced on your lap.

Cons: Bit noisy. Bit bulky. Bit scary.

Xtreme Optimum Power Vertical Turbo Stroker, £68.95.

Adapted from Boy's Toys, Scarlet magazine (March issue) – www.ScarletMagazine.co.uk

Sex Toy Review: Briana Banks Vibrating Pussy and Ass

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Sex Toy Review: The Monkey Spanker

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Sex Toy Review: The Fleshlight

Now then. You knew this one was coming, didn't you?

If there’s a male equivalent to the Rabbit, that thing up there is it; not because of what it does, but how popular it is. Over 800,000 have been sold worldwide, and they don’t come cheap - which means it must be pretty damn good, or there are a lot of men out there with a fetish for DIY tools. Maybe they should bring out a Black and Decker Workmate with some tits on 'em.

The real reason for its incredible popularity is that it claims to deliver on the top two male requirements; genital realism (the Superskin insert can be pre-ordered with a choice of holes – a fanny, an arsehole, a mouth, or a ‘non-descript’ slot, for anyone whose always wanted to have sex with a fruit machine – as well as a choice of inner linings) combined with the fact that it doesn’t actually look like a sex toy. In theory, you can do the business, give it a rinse, and stick it in your toolbox – which, seeing as that's one of the places where men sequester their grot - make it the perfect sex toy for the modern male.

Instruction sample: “Towel or air-dry the Superskin™ insert and put it back in the case for storage. Excess moisture may generate mold”

You will also need: plenty, plenty lube.

Looks like: A torch, when screwed up (although the huge 'FLESHLIGHT' engraved on the side is a bit of a giveaway. Unscrewed, it looks like a stridently feminist art statement about the commodification of female sexuality. And a bit scary, too; I spent the first five minutes looking at it with a facial expression not dissimilar to Hyacinth Bucket after someone fired a rocket up her skirt.

Feels like: Well, not exactly like a fanny (very cold, extremely squidgy - you can purchase a special warmer, or run it under the tap - but under no circumstances should you leave it on the radiator), but neither does it feel like having a wank, either. After a generous lubing-up, you get tight but comfortable penetration, and the screw-off cap at the rear of the torch allows you to control the suction to some extent.

Because the Fleshlight is basically a glorified wank-sleeve, it’s incredibly easy to get the hang of; you have total control over the speed and depth of the strokes, most of the pressure is focussed on the much-maligned base of your cock (which results in more intense orgasms), and if you squint hard enough, you feel like you’re in possession of a very big, very thick (albeit very plastic) todge.

Clean-up: a good rinse should do it, although you feel a bit like an eco-activist washing down a massive jellyfish after an oil spill.

Partner compatibility: Minimal. You could do it for him, but if you get arm-ache after a few minutes of a normal hand-job, you’re gonna have the forearm of Popeye with this.

Pros: It definitely works, and you don’t have to bury it at the back of the wardrobe…

Cons: …although you don’t want to be out when there’s a power cut and your flatmate remembers he saw a torch by your bed. Particularly if you haven’t washed it out, and he opens the back up to discover, er, severe battery leakage.

Pink Lady Fleshlight, £34.99, kindly provided by http://www.lovehoney.co.uk/product.cfm?p=891

Adapted from Boy's Toys, Scarlet magazine (March issue) – www.ScarletMagazine.co.uk

Sex Toy Review: Tenga Onacups

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Sex Toy Review: The Adam & Eve Vibrating Pro 5 Prostate Massager

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Sex Toy Review: Jenna Perfect Pair

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Sex Toy Review: The Rude Boy

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'Mr Sex' opens the TOY BOX OF MISERY

Here's something I want to know, and I want to know it now: when are male sex toys going to achieve parity with their female counterparts? It's bad enough that women have far more pulling opportunities than we do. Even worse that they have access to sex toys that actually work. Here's an experiment; imagine that one of your female work colleagues let it slip that she had a Rabbit in their bedroom drawer. What would be your reaction? I'm guessing it would veer from "Good for her for exploring her sexuality" to "Fwooooorrr". Now imagine that one of your male colleagues had something similar in his possession. Not such a positive image, is it?

Women absolutely dominate the sex toy industry these days, and rightly so. The Rabbit may have been a handy plot device in Sex and the City, but the reason that people bang on about it all the time is that it actually works. I used to know an incredibly attractive and ridiculously flirty woman in her late thirties who had no end of male attention, who told me that she'd never had an orgasm in her life until she bought a Rabbit. That's how good it is. Meanwhile, us blokes are still stuck in the Dark Ages of inflatable this and simulated that.

In a way, we've pretty much brought it on themselves. While women demand products that actually deliver the goods, we demand some kind of ludicrous 'realism' to help us get over the fact that we're not actually having sex with a real woman. Obviously, this has got to change sometime soon; the female market is nearing saturation point, and - more importantly - there's too much money at stake. Whoever comes up with a male sex toy that blokes will use without feeling guilty will probably be able to buy Australia.

It goes without saying that Todger Talk will reviewing male sex toys at some point, but for now, I'd like to dig something out of the archives. It's the balmy summer of 2000, and I'm working for a grot mag who is giving away £1,000 worth of sex toys in a competition. A huge box of filth has arrived in the post, and we drag it to a Soho rooftop to take pics, have a cheeky spliff, and piss about, basically. What follows is a valuable document of female sex toys in those pre-Rabbit times, and male sex toys as they pretty much are now...

It goes without saying that then, as now, vibrators pretty much dominated the female end of the sex toy market. But look at these. They're special. The one on the left looks as it it was hand-carved by Masai tribesmen, so I think it's supposed to be very ethnic and authentic. But then again, when you remember what they do over there, it rather defeats the object (Oh, and it's made of plastic).

The one on the right, on the other hand, has a rather fetching giraffe-skin effect, and was part of a range that includes tiger, leopard and zebra skin vibs. Perfect for Bet Lynch, or women who fantasise about being shagged by jungle animals.

Because we all know you do, eh ladies?

Wahey! Wasn't I lucky to find a dick pump that matched me two-sizes-too-big shirt, eh readers? I really regret that I didn't get a pic of the box, as it had some bloke on the front who looked as if he usually did photoshoots for Kay's Catalogue, and wasn't happy about the last-minute booking. His body posture screamed "HEY! I'M MAKING MY COCK BIGGER, AND I LOVE IT!" while the look on his face said "I want death. Now." Yes, they still sell dick pumps. And yes, they still don't work.

Obviously, there were a lot of sex dolls. Back in the day, they used to be really manky, but with the advent of new 21st-century technology, you can bet your arse that they're a lot more realistic. And look! This one is based on top porn star Sharon Slone (whoever the fuck she is), and the packaging says it's hyperrealistic! Fucking YES! Let's have a look at it!

Oh.

(Incidentally, I had a friend who used to work at a sex shop round the corner, and once overheard him pass on the following advice to a punter; when you buy a sex doll, never be tempted to blow it up the whole way, because if you do the vagina will pop out and it's an absolute bastard to get back in. If you learn nothing else from Todger Talk, take that factoid to the grave)

Anyway, let's have a look at this other one and get a threesome on...

Ooer. A Ladyboy doll with 'Realistic Vibrating Penis' and 'Strong Breasts'. So, 4,000 years of human endeavour has come to this - being taken up the arse by a balloon.

Here's something that appears to have been consigned to the back of History's wardrobe - the Butterfly. And thank God for that. I understand what they were supposed to do - I just never worked out why they had to look like butterflies. Was there some kind of board meeting at a factory in Doncaster?

"So, Les we've got this great new product that lasses can strap around their fannies and have a right good fiddle with. It'll sell like hot cakes"

"Aye, Roy, but there's a problem. It's a big chunk o' plastic, and the nice ladies will not be keen on lobbing a big chunk of placcy wotsit around their flanges"

"Hmm, you've got a point there, Les. let's make it look like summat nice and feminine that lasses lik...hmm...what about a cat's head?"

"A nice cake? A Catherine Cookson book? David Hassellhoff?"

"I reckon an animal of some sort. A Shetland Pony...no, a baby elephant...a panda?"

"A butterfly?"

"A BUTTERFLY! Champion suggestion, Les! What lady wouldn't want a butterfly flittering and a-fluttering around their minge? Let's do it!"

When you actually hold one of these in your hand, many questions come into your mind: "Why?" being the main one. I don't know about you, but if I was a woman, I think I'd sooner prefer having Ronald Reagan's face up against me crotch. The second question is "Why does this 'butterfly' look more like a Gay facehugger out of the Alien trilogy?"

(Still, it had its uses. I nicked it and went to a fancy-dress party as the poster for Silence Of The Lambs)

The next item nearly won the prize for Most Unsavoury In Show. According to the box, this is a genuine rubber cast of the genitalia of some famous porn star whose name escapes me. There were photos of her arse and fanny encased in Plaster of Paris. According to the blurb, this is the most realistic experience one can ever have with something that's made of rubber and looks like something you'd find on a plate at Little Chef. I don't know about you, but I see nothing 'realistic' about having sex with something that resembles the contents of a jar that Jack The Ripper would have paid a thruppenny bit to see at a Victorian fairground.

But this wasn't the most horrific thing I saw. Oh no. Not by a long chalk.

This, my friends, was called 'Lolita', and at first glance, it didn't look any more different than all the other bits of plastic that you stick your cock in, set to vibrate, and look like rolled-up socks that have been thrown in the corner of the bedroom after a night on the piss. At the previous company I worked at, we sold something very similar called a Talking Vagina. You pressed a button, and it would go "FUCZZZZZZZZHHH MEEEEHHHHZZZZ! FUCZZZZZZZZHHH MEEEEHHHHZZZZ!". It was very popular in Wales.

This was far worse, and I'll tell you why. Disregard the obvious paedophilic overtones. Let's not talk about the fact that it looks as if you're shagging a Lilliputian prostitute. Come and have a look around the, er, 'Tradesman's Entrance'...

Now, according to the package, this item will let you relive 'The First Time'. And I hear you working right now. Your First Time was probably as disappointing as mine, but it could never be as bad as humping a wodge of plastic that looks like a big pink walnut. So, how? How does it recreate that special inauguration into sexual maturity?

I'll show you. See the slit? There's a thin membrane covering it. In other words, you have to break it in. On my Mam's life, I'm not lying. The whole point of this fucking thing is to feel the satisfaction of taking the virginity of a hunk of latex.

OK, so that was then, and this is now. As I said, male sex toy reviews will be forthcoming...