Right then; if you've been reading this blog over the past few months, you'll be aware of TodgerTalk's crusade to sweep rubbishy fanny-shaped male sex toys off the shelf of your local blacked-out grot shop and replace them with something that doesn't automatically make you feel like the loneliest pervert in the world while you're using it .
Some of the best items we've come across - stop laughing at the back - were made by Tenga, a Japanese company that hit upon the idea of disguising silicone fannies as 1980s roll-on deodorants. In the review, I pointed out that they were this close to getting it right, and the only drawback was that you could only use them once and they cost over ten pounds a chuck. If only they could sort out a reusable one...
And here it is. And I don't mean to put a downer on anyone out there currently bragging about their iPhone on Facebook or in pubs, but fuck your iPhone. The Tenga Flip Hole is the true gadgety breakthrough of 2008. I've been standing at the traffic lights at the bottom of the street, ramming my groin against it in a pantomime of one-upmanship, and saying "What, this? Yes it is, actually. I'm one of the first people in the world to have one. Jealous? Yeah. Thought so".
Instruction Sample: Er, mine was so hot from the factory that all the instructions were in Japanese. Luckily, being male, I looked at it and heard a deep primal voice inside, grunting "Hole...cock..good". Although English instructions are here, it's a piece of piss to use; the actual flippy bit is held in place with a slidable base which covers the hole when not in use, and holds everything together.
You will also need: Enough lube to push a beached whale through an airport security gate, because unlike the disposable Tengas, there's no built-in lube reservoir. Naturally, Tenga have made their own - available in Mild, Real or Wild - and a small stopper of each comes attached. But you'll need more.
Looks like: When free-standing, a new Apple range of room deodorizers. I've had it sat on my shelf for the past week, and no-one has been any the wiser. When opened, a clam-shell phone of the type used by the cast of Space:1999. It's impossible to describe the inside of this without sounding like Stuart Hall on It's A Knockout; you go through the Lip Flap, past the Side Rib, across the Quattro Wave, through the - Ha HA! - Wing Gate, and into the End Orb. I mean, just look at it. It's a veritable nobstacle course;
Feels like: Well. It goes without saying that it's heavier than your regular Tenga and a bit of a handful, but you quickly get used to it. And those buttons on the side are not for show; they actually allow you to regulate the pressure of the suction. After you've sorted that out, the ripply sensation up and down your shaft is pretty damn spectacular. I've not lasted more than three minutes on it yet, and am very worried that it might run off with someone else if I don't pace myself.
Clean-up: Could have been a huge problem, what with all the crevices and whatnot - but thanks to the clam-shell design, it's piss easy; open it up, give it a proper rinse, mount it on the base, and that's it.
Partner compatibility: Partner? What is this...partner you speak of?
Pros: Easily the best male sex toy on the market at the moment, as it ticks all the boxes; doesn't look like a sex toy, does things that a human hole can't, actually works, easy to clean up and even looks a bit stylish, in a geeky way. If you're planning to pull your iPud, this is what you need to be doing it with.
Cons: Only good for 50 goes - but having said that, over a pound a go is far better value than over a tenner for a one-shot deal.
The Tenga Flip Hole, £54.99, kindly provided by lovehoney.co.uk