Let's not mince words here: if the cards fall the right way for Tenga, their range of products could absolutely dominate the male sock drawer of the future. It certainly ticks off all the requirements that modern men demand from their wank-contraptions. First, it looks nothing like a traditional sex toy (when I threw it to my female friends and said, Rolf-like, “Can you guess what it is yet?” they were nowhere near), it’s ridiculously technical (the cross-section diagrams look like a fuselage on the Space Shuttle, revealing an array of valves, nubs and chambers that create a vacuum effect), and it’s a piece of piss to use – there's a built-in lube reservoir, eliminating no end of faffing about. Rip off the plastic packaging, unscrew, stick nob in, go at it hammer and tong. Unsurprisingly, these things are selling like a bastard in Japan.
Tenga - aware that even wankers like a bit of a choice - comes in a wide range of designs. The Deep Throat cup combines a slurping sound and slippery friction (with no gagging, or pube-on-tongue mishaps), the Soft Tube cup allows you total control regarding tightness, the Rolling Head cup adds stimulus that no partner could ever provide unless they could detach their head from their neck, thanks to the flexible body (shame it doesn’t make an accordion sound when you’re humping it, though), the Double Hold cup has a hole on either side (one of which has – eek! – a ‘Warty Zone’), and the Air Cushion cup clings like absolute bloody fuck.
Instruction Sample: “Be positive, be smart, be free to maximise your sex life” (one of my lady friends uncharitably added “Be ugly, be sad, be single”. Hmph)
Looks like: Something you’d find in Andre Agassi’s kitbag circa 1987.
Feels like: A right mouse’s ear’ole and very fanny-farty at first, until you notice the little sticker at the top. Then after you peel it off, you feel a very interesting ripple effect up and down your cock. It’s a bit cold at first (although you can buy a special warmer for £8-£10), but seeing as I wanted to get my money’s worth, I went very slowly indeed.
Clean-up: well, here’s the thing; at present, you don’t clean it up at all. You use it once (or a few times, if you’re a bit mingy and you use a condom) and then you bin it.
Partner Compatibility: In this case, it only takes one to Tenga - unless you’ve always had a fantasy about watching your chap get it on with a bottle of Studio Line.
Pros: It’s a pump-it-and-dump-it high-level masturbatory experience that doesn't necessarily feel like a fuck or blow-job, but more importantly doesn't feel like a wank, either. Not one part of your penis is left unattended, and the big red nubbiness of the thing is quite an ego boost, if you squint your eyes hard enough.
Cons: …but at up to £11 a pop, it’s a very expensive wank - the kind of thing you save for special occasions like England winning the World Cup, your 30th birthday, brother's wedding, etc. I could have done with more lube, and to be honest, it’s not the most environmentally-friendly sex toy on the market either. I have nightmare visions of millions of them washing up on Pacific islands, and sea birds getting their head trapped in them. A reusable version has just hit the market in Japan, and if it takes off there, it could be the male Rabbit that we (well, me, at least) have been waiting for.
Adapted from Boy's Toys, Scarlet magazine (March issue) – www.ScarletMagazine.co.uk