Sam: "That's not a Dad - THAT'S a Dad"

One of the most difficult things that I’ve had to confront in having a stroke involves some of the fundamental issues concerning my manhood and being a man. 

Let’s put this in context and give you some background: In Australia, where I come from, men are men.  For my 14th birthday, I was taken walking in the Gammon Ranges by my father, where they only have rain about every 200 years.  We went with his best friend - a real man’s man who goes walking in the Olga Ranges with only a bow and arrow, making his living by hunting feral goats.  

So, on my 14th birthday, we climbed a mountain in the Olga ranges and we camped at the top.  It actually snowed there for the first time in 200 years. Masculinity-wise, it was all downhill from there; nowadays, I'm an office and TV studio-bound laptop-masher with one arm that doesn't work, who currently can only get around with a stick. 

As you can imagine, my image of what a true man is doesn't exactly match my current situation.

The real question I have to ask myself is; are my Dad and his mate a valid picture of manhood?  It’s certainly a very macho picture of manhood, and I have to realise that I won’t be Crocodile Dundee after I’ve had a massive stroke.  Probably a better question is; do I have to be Crocodile Dundee to be a good father?  I think I’ve come to the conclusion:  ‘No’.

I had a talk to one of my best friends about fatherhood, and he said that while most men are - obviously - physically capable of being a father, most are completely emotionally incapable and inadequate.  If there's one thing that my stroke has done is force me to become more emotionally adequate - so after much deliberation, I feel that in the end I have come to the conclusion that once you have had a stroke you can still be a man and become a real father.  And actually, I might even end up being a better father.

So what do you think?  Do you have to be Crocodile Dundee to raise a child?

Sam: Frenemies

Having a stroke has forced me to confront a wide range of issues - but the issue I didn't actually expect to confront was the nature of my friendships.

After having post-stroke central fatigue, where even talking is like lifting a mountain, it's forced me to confront the question of which friends make me feel good and which friends don't. In other words, which friends are really good and loyal - and which friends are frenemies.

After a bit of research, I've been relieved to find out that, apparently, most people have a lot of the latter. According to US studies in fact, usually 50% of our friends are frenemies, people that we feel ambivalent about. Not only that, but these people are actually bad for our health. When we are around them, we get so stressed out that it raises our blood pressure - so they could in the end be dangerous to our health, or even kill us.

When I've had to look at which friends make me feel good and give me energy and which friends I feel ambivalent about, I feel much happier surrounding myself with people who make me feel good. So I'd like you to do what I did and take the frenemy challenge - go through your Facebook list and count how many friends make you feel good, and how many don't. Post your findings here, and let's have a percentage breakdown of how many of your friends are frenemies.

Something for the Ladies # 29

Ladies: If there's ever been anything about men you've wanted to know but were afraid to ask, or wanted a male viewpoint on a certain relationship niggle you're going through, drop an email to us at todger dot talk @ googlemail dot com. We shall pick one out and answer it to the best of our capabilities.

Analonymous writes: I’d like to ask you a question about anal sex – not ‘should I do it?’, as I and the guy I am currently fucking like it very much. However, I’m a bit worried about the potential mess it could create. I’m super-clean, neat and orderly, but due to his length he can achieve some pretty impressive depths. I’ve always wondered – as a man, do you worry about the occasional mess, or once the fucking starts do you gloss over any potential disasters and just appreciate what’s going on?

'Mr Sex' says: Hm. You'd completely asked the wrong chap here, me duck, as my anal sex experiences extend only as far as shoving things up my arse for the sex toy review section of this very blog - so I'm definately going to have to punt this dilemma out to our lovely, lovely readers who know far better than I.

However, your concerns are valid and universal; unless you fancy having a go at that scat thing you've seen on the internet, you're aiming for a highly intimate experience, not an IRA-style dirty protest circa 1975. Going by the experiences of some of my friends, which have been related time and again in pubs, I would surmise that there's a minimal risk of wrongery occuring - but when it does go wrong, it can be amazingly spectacular (my favourite tale ended with the phrase "When I pulled out, the next thing I saw was a roostertail of shit"). Obviously, an experience as traumatic as that could possibly put you off for several lifetimes.

Let's demolish the main myth about anal; there's no guarantee that you'll end up with a shitty dick, which puts a lot of men off. After a few goes on a prostate stimulator, I've discovered that - as long as you're not busting to curl one off - there is very little (if any) fecal matter on the end of whatever you're shoving in there. Yes, there's loads of lube (and its occasional by-product, Santorum), but it's nothing you can't handle. I'd say that you should always prepare for the worst, so if it does happen, you can deal with it as quickly as possible. When I'm testing prostate stimulators, for example, I always have;

A massive beach towel over the bed (in case the worst happens)
A roll of kitchen towels or bog roll (so I can wipe anything that needs wiping)
Easy access to a carrier bag in a waste paper bin (to lob everything into and seal)
An oil burner on the go (so my room doesn't whiff of anything it shouldn't)
Something heavy wedged up against the door (because I live in a shared house)

Now, I don't really need all of that rammell, but it calms me down. After all, if you're tensed up, you might as well try to shove a baseball bat through the eye of a needle. So I suggest that you get your own emergency kit on standby, and enjoy worry-free bum-sex.

Sam says: Apart from being surprised that 'Mr Sex' is still an anal virgin, my advice is simple. The main selling point about anal sex is that it's still seen as dirty - both figuratively and (in certain circumstances) actually. 'Mr Sex' is right about the general un-ickiness of the rectum, but if your man is as long as you say he is, there's the potential for an, um, accident.

The best thing to do is to sit down and have a talk about it. Point out that you love anal as much as he does, but make clear that you'd relax and be able to enjoy it even more if you had a clean-up routine, should the worst came to the worst. I think it's totally fair for him to take charge of that particular matter, seeing as you're the one who will probably be in most need of the loo afterwards - and when it comes to anal sex, from foreplay to afterplay, the recipient should always be the one who takes charge.

And it goes without saying that you should use as much lube as possible, and for God's sake use the toilet beforehand if you feel the slightest inclination to. But you already know that, right?

Readers of TT - comment!

Something for the Ladies # 28

Ladies: If there's ever been anything about men you've wanted to know but were afraid to ask, or wanted a male viewpoint on a certain relationship niggle you're going through, drop an email to us at todger dot talk @ googlemail dot com. We shall pick one out and answer it to the best of our capabilities.

This week's question...

Anonymous writes: My boyfriend and I have been together two years. However, we had a brief break-up a year ago when he had a drunken fumble with a mutual 'friend' of ours.

I'm about to move to France with work for six months, and we were positive about continuing long distance for that time. However, I have just found out from one of his friends that he is about to move into her house (with several others) as her father owns the house and has offered them cheap rent.

Upon questioning, he said he was putting off telling me as was worried about my reaction, and he's only doing it because of the cheap rent. He's offered to pull out and live somewhere else if I'm not comfortable with it but I'm not sure that offer is sincere, plus I know he really needs somewhere with cheap rent.

I'm tempted to cut and run, as I don't want to have to be in France wondering if he's got pissed and shagged her. Or am I being unreasonable?

‘Mr Sex’ says: Yes. You are being totally unreasonable. Here would be the reasoned, thought-out and rational response to such a development;

1) Punching him right in his twattish face for even knocking about with this woman after what happened, let alone thinking about moving in with her

2) Kicking him squarely in the groin for not having the balls to even tell you about this – not because he was worried about your reaction (see how he turns it all onto you?), but because he knows he’s wrong

3) Taking a hammer to his kneecaps for being a deceitful, cowardly mingebag

4) Nobbing him off entirely, and shacking up with, I dunno, a mime artiste. Or some bloke in a Breton shirt who sells onions on a bike.

That may sound a bit harsh, but come the fuck on, me dear. The first rule of post-affair relationship-mending is that the offending party has to take steps to cut the other person out of their life as completely as possible. The fact that he’s intending to share a microwave with her suggests to me that he’s either still up for a portion off her, or he’s thicker than Barry White’s shit on Boxing Day morning. Either way, he’s completely disrespecting you at a time when you’re going through massive upheaval in your life.

You obviously don’t like this woman, and the idea that she’s still hanging about gets your hackles up – so if he can’t see that, he’s being ridiculously insensitive, and the fact that he's offering to backpedal is more to do with him being found out than him having a scrap of decency. You’re obviously going to be wound up to buggery while you’re away in any case whether he moves in or not - so give this bell-end his P45 of Love, get yourself over the Channel, and help yourself to a hefty slice of French Fancy.

Sam says: Let's face facts, here; you are in a rubbish relationship. And, if you choose to stick with it, it's about to get even more rubbish. Yes, long-distance relationships have every chance of working out, but only when there is a very high level of mutual trust and respect. You are getting - and will continue to get - neither from this bloke.

As 'Mr Sex' points out, when you've been tempted in a relationship, you have to remove that temptation. He's already put his hand in the fire and gone 'Ow'. Now he's giving himself every opportunity to put his hand back in again and again, leaving you with a charred arm of a relationship. My advice; dump him, move on, and go and find someone who will treat you with the decency you deserve.

Readers of TT: Comment!

Sam: You know you're getting better when...

When I first came out of surgery and was in recovery, one of my best friends came to see me. He asked me how I was, and apparently all I could say was "ARRRGGGHEEERRRUUUUGHHHHH".

The other day, I spent 47 minutes on the line to a bureaucrat who kept asking the same questions over and over because apparently the system was broken. I had to really bite my tongue and stop myself from saying; "Yes, I fucking know the system is broken".

The reason I was on the phone for that long was to apply for a programme that will help me get back to work and provide the assistance I need, but good Lord - expecting someone who's disabled to spend 47 minutes on the phone is ridiculous. But when you can get through an ordeal like that, you know you're getting better.

As opposed to; "ARRRGGGHEEERRRUUUUGHHHHH".

Sam: Death of a Cynic

Before my stroke, my view of human nature was pretty hard-nosed and cynical. Essentially, I was sure we were all just self-interested animals, only focused on eating, fucking, carving out territory and then protecting that territory and our own self-interest.

I survived my stroke, but strangely my cynic has died. In leaving hospital, I have been astounded at the incredible kindness shown to me by so many of my family and friends, particularly my mother and father-in-law, who have come and helped out with my recovery literally every other day and some of my very loyal friends, who have slept over when times are hard and spent days on end “working from home”, which really meant running around catering for my little needs during the day. And my extraordinary soon- to-be-wife, who has been a mixture of Wonderwoman and Supergirl, being incredibly loyal, loving, seemingly indefatigable. And many members of my own family overseas, including my mother who came all the way from Australia to visit me. And my stepfather whose wise words and steady character have helped keep me on course. Enough American-style gushy sentimentality!

My new view of the world adheres more with that of one of my great intellectual icons, Desmond Morris, who still says we are all animals, but that we are programmed to want to co-operate and help other members of our own species. Our brains are rewarded when we help other members of our own tribe.

A huge thank you must go to Mr Sex, who has pretty much single-handedly kept Todger Talk alive, kicking and thriving. So dear readers, in the comments section, can you please lavish your appreciation on Mr Sex.

And lady readers, if you live within commuting distance of Nottingham and you fancy lavishing more than words or you would like to make his next visit to London more exciting, please remember that Mr Sex is that rarest of men: he is single, can make you laugh, can talk about his emotions openly and his first published book was nothing less than ‘The Going Down guide’. I mean, ladies, what more could you want in a man? You can contact him through his blogger profile…

Sam: Not Such Morning Glory

Morning Glory - the circumstance whereupon a man wakes up with an erection - is something that every man should celebrate. Because it means that his penis is still working. I've just discovered in hospital, unfortunately, that there is little glory attached to it. At all.

There are various disadvantages, because at a cetain point a nurse will come along and require you to pee into a bottle. Have you ever tried to put an erect penis into a bottle and peeing into it? It's very, very difficult. And that's not even including the embarassment of greeting your first nurse of the morning with a good (or even feeble) erection. My tip - wait until it's died down a bit before even thinking of summoning anyone to your bedside.

Now I'm out of hospital, I'm more grateful of my Morning Glory than ever before. And gentlemen of the world, so should you be. Of yours, that is. Not mine.

Sam: Hospital Survival Guide

If you ever have the unfortunate experience of being in hospital for a long stretch of time, or know someone who is about to, the following points might just help. Memorise all of them.

Firstly, and most importantly, ask for what you want. I asked for Morphine, and much to my surprise, I got it. I probably ended up keeping half the farmers in Afghanistan in business, which I think was a fair trade. They make a living, and I wasn't living in pain.

Second point: always remember that you are in a queue. So just before you're about to whack the button for attention, take a deep breath into the bottom of your stomach, and count to ten. Because there are probably thirty other people whacking the button at the same time, and the nurses are doing their best to get to you. If you were in a queue at the bank, would you shout "Get the fuck out of the way and give me my fucking money right now"? No. You'd wait.

Third point: throw round lots of mackerel. No, I'm not still on the morphine - it's a lesson I learned from What Shamu Taught Me About Life, Love and Marriage by Amy Sutherland, which is one of the best books I've read about human and animal psychology for as long as I can remember. Basically, because NHS staff get treated like shit by higher authorities - and distressingly, even by some of the people who they're looking after - they're deprived of mackerel (i.e., positive feedback). I find that by merely saying 'please' and 'thank you', you find very quickly that they're happy to do what you want.

Fourth point: understand the structure of the ward. The nurses don't really have the power to change anything - you'll have to get hold of a doctor for that. So don't harass them when you know they can't do anything about it.

Fifth point: find a spot for everything. Not because your essential items will get nicked - they just disappear. Particularly the stuff that keeps you alive, and fends off boredom.

Sixth point, and very important: pull your weight. If there's anything you can do for yourself, do it. Every bit of help you give the staff, they will pay it back twenty times over.

Sam: more tax please, Mr Brown

Today Gordon Brown announced an increased tax rate of 50% for Britain’s top earners. At least from my house, you can hear the sound of one hand clapping, which is all I can do after my stroke.

I’m pleased to report that, from my experience, the NHS is alive and working well. I’m certainly happy with every single penny in tax that I’ve paid towards it. In the past, when I thought of the NHS, the first things that jumped to mind were MRSA, waiting lists and overpaid doctors, but now I think of value for money and hope that Mr Brown will tax me more and give the money to the NHS.

My NHS story so far: I had a massive stroke and after we called an ambulance, it was there in 10 minutes. They took me straight to a specialist stroke hospital and into emergency brain surgery. I went through enough MRI scanners to make NASA jealous. They also gave me a new wonder drug which minimised the damage.

In my experience, there were plenty of doctors around, the nurses were really nice and even the food was actually bearable. Now, after a month of intensive rehabilitation, I can walk again and I have a team of experts who come to my home and are helping me get back to work.

Without tax and the NHS, I would have no todger to talk about now. So I say hurrah for the NHS and hurrah for higher taxes.

Manbits #13

*** If you're male, and you want a bit of advice on your sexy, sexy mither, drop us an e-mail at todger dot talk at googlemail dot com ***

Anonymous writes: An ex of mine has naked pictures of me tied to her bed with a pair of those pink fluffy handcuffs. We’re not really on speaking terms at the moment. What is the best way of approaching her to make sure she doesn’t distribute the photos to anyone else?

 

Sam says: Well of course, I have to say that the first lesson of this little situation is never, ever, ever, ever let anyone take photos or videos of you while you are up to something naughty. As Paris Hilton and many other celebrities found out, you are only a click away from You Tube sharing all your sexual secrets with the rest of the world. You’ve run into that old problem of something that seemed fun at the time coming back and biting you where it hurts. To be blunt – don’t piss her off. There is only one reason people tend to publish those sort of photos – revenge. So don’t give her any reason to get angry, and under no circumstances talk to her about it.

 

Sometimes the best tactic is to just let sleeping dogs lie. Then, a year or so down the track, when you guys are friends again, maybe you can talk to her about deleting them. But talking about them now is just going to mean they are going to end up on Facebook or Flikr faster than you can say 'pissed-off ex'. In future, try the Grandmother test - when someone is about to take a photo, ask yourself if your granny would be happy seeing this in her photo album. If she wouldn’t don’t let them take the photo, or if they have, grab the camera and delete them!

 

And one final point: thank your lucky stars that it was only fluffy handcuffs. My friend, you really got off lightly – let this be a lesson to you. Next time it could be much, much worse.

 

'Mr Sex' says: Shit the bed.

 

OK, first things first; as Sam points out, this is a comparatively low-level shaming. Ann Summers handcuffs? Pah! I've got more embarrassing pictures of me on the hallway wall, mate - turn round the wrong way when you hang your coat up, and there's a pic of me lying naked on a table in a hotel in Gatwick while a couple of Nanas rub baby oil into my chest. I’m really not the person to talk to about this, to be honest.

 

You’ve not told us too much about the status of your former relationship (do you have mutual friends? Is she already seeing someone else? Are you?), so I can’t be as precise with an answer as I’d like. But let’s go through the possibilities;

 

She’s already binned it off, because you’ve split up and she can’t stand the sight of you.

 

This is a very high probability. After all, she’s not male, is she? She’s not going to need something to keep her warm on those long winter nights, in’t it? And if you’re not on speaking terms, she’ll want to get shot of every trace of your ex-boyfriendy musk, especially the sexier whiffs.

 

She’s kept hold of it, but not shown it to anyone.

 

Again, high probability – probably more due to laziness than anything else. And if that’s the case, so what? Let her letch over what she once had and let ship through her fingers, the sucky mare. If you are condemned to be an object of lust for someone, than so be it.

 

She’s shown it to her female friends.

 

There’s a chance that this has happened, but it’s really nothing to mither over. After all, she probably broke down every facet of your sexual technique and domestic habits to a cackling coven of mates as they stirred the jug of Long Island Iced Tea the minute the relationship ended. If she broke out the pic of you being all vulnerable on the bed, you should thank her for advertising your services.

 

She’s shown it to her new bloke, male friends etc.

 

Well if she’s done this (and I’d say it was quite a long shot), she’s made a right balls-up of things. Men hate to hear women banging on about the foibles of their exes, but being shown photos of them with their cock out is a million times more counter-productive. I recall one lady who took me back to her boudoir and proceeded to show me a Polaroid of her ex (who I had met a couple of times) lying on his back with one of her enormous dildos up his ringpiece while he was tossing off (see what I mean when we say how lucky you were?). She was trying to imply that she got up to all sorts. I inwardly vowed to do nothing with her but lights-out Missionary.

 

She’s used it for nefarious purposes.

 

Again, she’s not male, so she won’t have sent them to Gay magazines, or posted them up in ladies toilets. And if she had, she’d be absolutely pilloried by all right-thinking members of the community.

 

So, to sum it up, I think your fears are a touch misguided. As for dealing with the situation...I don’t think you should be as wary of her as Sam makes out, but you definitely shouldn’t get on her wick. You're going to have to play the waiting game: If she is going to be part of your life in the foreseeable future, there’s bound to be a stage where you can laugh about your little photoshoot, and then you can discreetly enquire about its whereabouts.  If she isn't, then who gives a toss what she does with it? And if she is using this pic as some sort of leverage over you, then it just goes to show that she wasn’t worth the steam off your piss in the first place.

 

TT readers – comment!

This question was orginally asked on a webchat with Sam on www.menshealth.co.uk 

Sam: It must be worth fighting for

I was chatting to one of my female clients the other day about one of the old conundrums of the male psyche. That annoying thing where if it’s not hard work, then they seem to think it’s not really worth it. These sort of men love to hunt, they love the challenge and trying to grab something out of their reach. It’s the victory that is the sweetest moment for them.

For these sort of men if it’s easy then it’s not really worth it. This sort of approach drives me a little bit nuts. Personally I like things to flow easily. I like the signals to be there, know where I stand and for other person to be pretty clear about it. I’ve run across women who play the hunted beautifully, one minute they are on, the next minute off. Baiting you to chase, then freezing you out when you do. Personally this drives me a little bit nuts. But for some men it’s manna from heaven.

I guess you could say something about have genetically men are hunters. How they like the chase. How this adds to the thrill. But what happens when the thrill is gone? In my experience pretty soon they are off on another hunting expedition for some more prey, unless their girl continues to play hard to get even once they’ve got them. Seems all a bit of a miserable way to have a relationship to me.

To be totally honest I used to be one of those men where if it wasn’t hard work I wasn’t interested. I saw an ice queen and no effort was spared to conquer her. Sure the thrill of the kill was pretty good, but it was pretty joyless from then on. I’ve learned my lesson, easy flow is so much more fun. Any thoughts on this? Are you for the flow, or someone who thinks it’s only worth something if you have to fight for it?

Manbits #12

*** If you're male, and you want a bit of advice on your sexy, sexy mither, drop us an e-mail at todger dot talk at googlemail dot com ***

John asks: My girlfriend and I have recently moved in together after being involved for about two years, and ever since our sex life has taken a nosedive. What was several times a week has turned into once a week if that. Is it common for the over-familiarity to kill the spark somewhat? What can I do to get it back?

’Mr Sex’ says: Hm. Pardon me for being a bit harsh, but sexpert-and-older-person-wise, this question is right up there with ‘Will the sun come up tomorrow?’ and ‘Why is all this brown stuff falling out my arse?’

Sam’s gonna hit you with the science in a bit, but I’m going to lay out the actual-factual. When you start going out with someone for the first time, you can’t believe your luck. You’re sitting there, next to them, and you think to yourself; Fucking hell. That person I’ve had my eye on for ages is going out with me. I can do anything I like with ‘em. I could lean over and snog them right now, and they’d let me. Actually, sod that – I could just cop a handful. And I will. Fwoarrrr!

And then you get thrown off the bus. But it doesn’t matter! Because it’s ace, being with someone in the first flushes of love, particularly when you live apart – because nothing gets a person more worked up than the anticipation of it all. Put it another way; the sex is on tap, but the pipe needs fixing, and you’re having to wait for the plumber to come round before you can spill things and gush, if you know what I mean and I think you do.

When you move in together, however, the entire dynamic changes. The upside is that you see far more of each other than you did before. The downside, on the other hand, is that you see far more of each other than you did before. Instead of detailed conversations about what you’re going to do to each other when you get each other alone, you finally are together alone – and discovering that you’re talking about whose turn it was to get the bog roll in and what DVD you’re going to rent from the off licence. And knickers on the floor suddenly lose their erotic allure when they’ve been there three days running.

I’m not saying that living together is a one-way ticket to Terry and June-Land, where sex happens only on birthdays and rainy bank holidays; you just have to work at it like a bastard from here on in. First off, don’t panic; you’re not going off each other. You’ve merely entered a new and scary phase of the relationship, that involves bills, shopping lists, and all that other domesticated wank. Secondly, start thinking about spending time away from each other again (i.e., START SEEING YOUR MATES AND NOT BEING A TWO-HEADED RELATIONSHIP-MONSTER). Thirdly…well, I’ll leave that up to Mr Van Rood…

Sam says: What you are experiencing happens to pretty much every single couple in the world. After you first get together the spark goes, you start nesting and things slow down.

The key thing to realise is that this is a natural process. When you first meet someone and fall in love your body releases PEA – the love drug. It's the thing that makes your tummy flip, your palms sweat and you want to shag your partner silly at every possible chance.

After about 12-18 months, the PEA stops being produced and the fireworks fade. At this point you body starts producing oxytocin – the snuggle drug. It makes you want to nest, snuggle up on the couch and cuddle, and unfortunately sex tends to drop considerably at this point too. It promotes long term bonding but misses the fireworks of when you first got together. So basically, it's not so much over-familiarity that kills the spark, it's just natural changes that pretty much happen to every one.

So what can you do? Essentially getting some excitement back once you've been together requires work, rather than just happening naturally as it did right at the start of your relationship. You need to schedule in time and make the effort for a) sex b) excitement. First big thing to try is Siestas. Talk to your girlfriend and block out 3-6pm of every Saturday and Sunday for the next two months. This is time for you to get into bed, have a snooze, maybe read a book and hopefully actually have some sex. It's perfect because you've got time to do something in the morning, and it will leave you refreshed for getting out in the evening too – meaning you can have your cake and eat it too.

Second thing is do some exciting stuff together – I'm talking stuff that gets your adrenalin going. Maybe do an indoor rock climbing course together, go to Alton Towers and ride the roller coasters, or work out other ways you get a buzz like going out clubbing. You need to regularly schedule in some excitement together – which will then also wash over into your sex life.

Basically, you've discovered the hard truth that to keep a relationship alive and interesting it takes a bit of scheduling, planning and a bit of work. But once you've worked this as a habit into your relationship routine, you've got a regular flow of extra sex and excitement on tap, which is well worth the effort.

TT readers: Comment!

This question was originally asked on a webchat with Sam on www.menshealth.co.uk

Sam: Mansprings

I’ve been continuing to wonder where all the single men are in their 30s. What I am looking for are man springs – places where lots of men gather together. What is most important is there must be higher ratio of men to women. This, I have to admit, is some shameless research to help out my female clients and possibly our single female readers.

Some man springs that jump to mind:

• Indoor rock climbing - ratio 10:1
  
• Live cricket games – ratio 20:1
  
• Live rugby & football – ratio 20:1
  
• Major cricket, rugby or football games being shown in pubs – ratio 5:1
  
• Poker clubs – ratio 10:1
  
• Skeet shooting – ratio 5:1
  
• Business networking events: 5:1

Not so good are places like:

• Local pub on an ordinary night – ratio 1:1
  
• Car maintenance courses – ratio 1:5 (believe it or not)

Guys, can you think of any other places where blokes gather in large numbers, or perhaps in small groups? Ladies, have you come across any interesting man springs? Ratios, observations and mansprings with thinking men would also be very welcome.

Manbits #11

*** If you're male, and you want a bit of advice on your sexy, sexy mither, drop us an e-mail at todger dot talk at googlemail dot com ***

Anonymous writes: I have had a decent amount of sexual partners in the past and I have never come up against this problem before; I've just met someone that I like a lot and we have finally starting doing the tango. All was going well until she told me one night that she "cant" come. I was a bit confused by this and thought I was doing something wrong, but she told me she has never come in her life! I find this pretty strange and wonder if she just has accepted the fact that it might not be easy and never bothered or is this the case with some women? She says she still really enjoys sex with me and she is totally satisfied, but I just feel there is something missing as I come every time!

She gets pretty embarrassed talking about what we do in bed but she told me that she has never masturbated. I hinted that she should try it but she says she doesn't see the point. I am thinking about buying her a toy a few months down the road and hoping it doesn't offend her.

I would appreciate some expert advice on this one!

Sam says: This is a very interesting question – and kind of tricky. The first thing is that your girlfriend is not alone; research indicates that 12% of women never orgasm and 75% don't orgasm during intercourse. Very occasionally there is a medical reason, but mostly it is down to lack of clitoral stimulation.

Because your girlfriend has never masturbated and doesn't know how to please herself, it makes it harder for you. She can't show you how - and perhaps most importantly she doesn't really know what she's missing out on. It's kind of like a person who has never experienced the endorphin rush you get at the gym – they can't understand what gym bunnies are doing because from the outside it just looks like a lot of sweat and hard work. Orgasms are a bit like the endorphin rush you get in the gym, once you've experienced it, you're addicted and can't go back, but there is a quite a bit of work to get there in the first place.

You could try to get her to help herself, but that is not really an option, since she isn't really interested. Again it would be like trying to convince a couch potato to go the gym, they can't see the point and it just won't happen.

The best option is for you to show her what she's been missing out on. Unfortunately most sex toys are just designed for women, or just for men. And let's face it - from her point of view putting a massive pink thing with bunny ears inside her is not going to be terribly appealing. Fortunately the tide is changing and there are now sex toys available that are designed for couples to use on each other.

Your solution could be the ipod of the sex toy world – the Intimate Massager. It's kind of cool because it doesn't really look like a sex toy, more like a designer pebble that just happens to vibrate - so very low intimidation factor. Also it's totally waterproof so you can use it in the bath when you are both already feeling relaxed. The key it that it is designed for a couple to use on each other – so you can take the lead by suggesting she tries it on you, and talk to her about what works and what doesn't. Then it's just a natural step to do the same with her. Basically you've got to show her what she's been missing out on under the guise of you wanting to experiment with a new toy.

The other thing you might like to try is the new We-vibe - a very clever device that stimulates her clitoris, g-spot and your fella all while you are having sex. Once you've popped it in you just use a bit of lube and have sex as normal but with some extra turbo powered sensations.

Between the two of these toys you should be able to get her over the line. It's going to take a bit of experimenting, but once she has her first orgasm you are going to be her knight in shining armour. Once she's had one she won't want to turn back – and suddenly she will understand what all the fuss was about.

'Mr Sex' says: Sam's pretty much locked down her dilemma, so let's have a pick at yours. You are going to have to tread as carefully as someone with brand new trainers in a room full of bear traps and dog shit, me lad. I don't envy you at all, because there's lot of stuff to work though before you even think about lobbing a few sex toys up her.

First things first; yes, there are plenty, plenty women knocking about who have never had an orgasm, for various reasons. A previous fling of mine - who I had lusted after for longer than some of you out there have been alive - knocked me bandy when she told me it wasn't until she was in her late thirties when he had her first one (by which time the thought of her had given me thousands of 'em).

As Sam has pointed out, there could be any one of a number of reasons why your girl hasn't felt a bustle in her hedgerow - and if you don't watch out, you're going to add another handful of the bastards. First off, however well-intentioned you're trying to be, there's nothing worse than calling the state of your partner's or anyone's libido as 'pretty strange' - so cut that bollocks out immediately.

The other main danger you should be aware of is the hit your ego is currently taking; being an obviously considerate and aware modern male, her orgasm is just as important a boost to you as yours is. It's very easy to go into a relationship with someone like your girl and assume that she's had nothing but crap/inconsiderate/abusive exes, and only you can heal her. That's the short cut to developing complexes of your own.

Simply put, the only pink bits you should even think about stimulating right now are the ones between her ears. You need to make it clear that she can trust you 110%, you're not going to start getting the hump with her or push her into doing things she's not ready for, and - most importantly - you love having sex with her. Women are capable of dealing with orgasm-less sex far better than we are (although it goes without saying they enjoy orgasms as much as we do, if not more so), and if she feels she's you stopping you from having a sex wee, you're doing more harm than good.

Once you've given her the confidence to be completely open with you, you can then start on paying her some serious bodily attention. The way I see it, if she's never masturbated (which is something we pretty much attempt to do from a frighteningly early age), I'm guessing that there must be plenty of other places she hasn't even thought of touching - so give some of her other erogenous zones (i.e., pretty much everywhere else) a serious fussing, so you can find out what she likes. When she's aware that you're not going to lunge for her fanny without warning, she'll be a lot more open to you being a bit more intimate with her.

Basically, there's no quick fix here and you have to be aware that you might not be her clitoral saviour, no matter how hard you try. She enjoys sex with you; that's a pretty decent start. Now start enjoying sex with her, stop mithering, and take it from there.

Readers of TT: Comment!

Sam: Off with his head!

The Joker. That wild card in the pack that can be anything you want. The guy in the crazy suit with the dangly bells. The Joker has a long an illustrious history – most people tend to think of them as entertainers. They would juggle, breathe fire and entertain the King and his court. They look silly, they act silly, most people think they are idiots.

But the Joker has always actually played a much more important role. Surrounded by sycophants who were seeking power and favour, the King would only hear what his courtiers thought he wanted to hear. Everyone said the same thing and everyone agreed. All very cosy. But the Joker always played a crucial role in the court – to say the un-sayble, to poke holes, and make the King see things that were being kept away from him, because people were too scared to say them to his face. And by the Joker saying it, others could talk about their views more openly without so much fear.

I know, some of you have been offended by Lee’s comments. And, predictably there have been cries of ‘Off with his head!’. But that’s his job. That’s what makes him interesting. He is willing to say the things that none of us are willing to say, on the record, risk offending and pissing people off and maybe get us to think outside our usual box.

No I don’t agree with everything jokers say and sometimes they go too far – but they make me think. You know, though we like to blame the wicked person who tempts another away from a relationship, actually maybe there is some truth in the fact that if that person can be so easily tempted, the relationship is dead or dying. I’ve talked to a fair number of my wealthy female clients who have had very specific legal advice from their accountants and lawyers that they cannot marry anyone with less money than them. Obviously the same goes for men. Lee makes me think how shit is it that a public display of long term commitment and love is determined by how much money your partner has, not love? Maybe there is something wrong with a system that makes some people so bitter and suspicious about marriage or even relationships.

So readers, swallow the bitter pill. It’s the Jokers job to give it to you. Disagree, shout, argue, and most importantly think: Is there an uncomfortable grain of truth in this? Don’t be like small minded courtiers and sycophants who throughout the centuries, when they heard something they didn’t like and shouted ‘Off with his Head!’.

Sam: You can't have everything

One of the most common things that I see in my clients is that their love lives have been destroyed by the myth that you can have everything. This is particularly true for women who are in their mid-thirties. They have been told they can have a fantastic career, they can be financially successful, they can get a great education, the house they want and of course, love, a man and a family.

Well it’s just not true. If you are going to spend your entire life focused on your career, then something has to give. And generally it’s relationships. Finding a relationship takes time, unless one drops in your lap through friends, work or university. Even then a relationship takes maintenance. I sometimes wonder if our modern working ethic and hours are leading to the death of love, but that’s another topic for another time.

This situation is really common with my female clients. Suddenly they are about to hit 35, their biological clock is about to pop and there is no man on the horizon to provide love and family. Even then it is often a real struggle to get them to actually put aside the time and effort that is required to really find a partner.

What is quite intriguing is that I don’t have many men who are in the same situation. Usually my male clients are either in their early twenties have missed out on some early lessons and need to get thing moving, or they are in 40s and have come out of long term relationships and are pretty much clueless as to what to do next. Or perhaps more telling, I don’t have many clients who come to me who are in the same situation.

So what is happening to all those single men in their mid-thirties? Are they just hanging out with their mates at the pub and watching sky sports? Or at home playing x-box? From what I’ve read from the National Bureau of Statistics there are pretty much as many single men in their thirties as single women. Maybe single men in their 30s aren’t so quite focused on their careers and are too busy hanging out and enjoying themselves to worry about sorting out the fact they don’t have a wife and kids? Or maybe they are enjoying the benefits of becoming a Silver Back and just having fun with women ten years their junior? Any thoughts? I certainly haven’t found the answer to this one.

Sam: Hunting for Fun

On the weekend I went out for a drink and a dance for a mate's 30^th. Now this friend has become thoroughly domesticated. Conversation included kids, renovation, the constant daze of sleeplessness caused by kids, more rennovation and buying a house 250m up the road from their old house to make sure the kids got into a decent school. The last time this friend had been out clubbing was five, yes count them, five years ago.

We were reminiscing about back in the day and this friend was giving me a ribbing about how in a club once we had been dancing and then ten seconds later I was snogging some girl. I’d spotted a signal and gone of the kill. I was a bit of a bad boy (read wanker) in those days. In those days going clubbing was all about the hunt. I remembered what a rush it was when some girl looks at you, gives you that look and then it was time to go for the kill. 

But now things have changed. Now I’m hunting for fun. All my 30 something friends are pretty much domesticated, don’t like the same sort of music as me, or have kids. My fiancée has finally admitted she hates the music I love, and was just pretending to like it all those years, just like I was pretending to like her hard core hip hop.

At the club, when we were all having a jive, I spotted this great dancer. She was fun, having a ball and I had no interest in shagging her. She was the type of person I would really just like to spend some evenings out with burning up the dance floor until closing time and looking for all the world like a Soho native. We had a bit of a boogey– it was the most fun I’ve had under disco balls in ages. But then I pulled out. I was feeling guilty. Did it look like I was trying to pull her? Wasn’t that wrong? Certainly my friends gave me a ‘you sly old devil’ look.

The problem is that there is general presumption is that if you have a dance with a female stranger in a nightclub, you just want to shag them. That was certainly true back in the day, but now, well, I just want to, well, dance. If you have a dance with a male stranger in soho, they presume that you are going to be meeting in the bathroom in the next 10 minutes.

So I was stuck with the conundrum, how do you hunt for fun? It is possible to get the rush of hunting for a dancing partner and that’s ok. Maybe there are girls and guys out there that are happy to burn up the dance floor with a 30 something ex-clubber and just want to dance and not shag. But I guess before I find out, I'm going to get over my own outdated habit that the dance floor is for hunting for a sex, not hunting for fun.