Manbits #15

*** If you're male, and you want a bit of advice on your sexy, sexy mither, drop us an e-mail at todger dot talk at googlemail dot com ***

Geordie writes: I'm in my late thirties and in a long-term relationship. It's a good relationship, except the sex is utterly crap and that's down to me. I sometimes get erections, but can't sustain them. Never have been able to. NEVER.

I've done all the usual man tricks for sorting this out. First, I ignored it. Then I finally went to my GP. Eventually got around to asking to be sent to see a specialist. I've been seen by urologists and endoctrinologists. Had my tackle examined intimately, testosterone measured, testicle size (yes, done by an attractive female endocrinologist) taken. They reckon that everything seems OK and to take Viagra or similar. The problem with Viagra is that it gives me headaches and a "buzzing" kind of flush that really turns me off.

I've been prescribed the other anti-impotence drugs too, but they're just the same. You can imagine the number of relationships this has killed, and at least one ex thinks that she must look awful naked because I didn't get (visibly) turned on.

The doctors have also recommended sexual therapy. Now, I'm willing to do this, but my girlfriend is dead set against it and certainly wouldn't go along. I really don't know whether it's in the mind or not. I'm at the stage now where I've been able to comfortably talk about it (with a female friend and even told my current about it as soon as we met). I even had one GP appointment with a trainee that was being videotaped for training purposes. I really don't think that talking about it has really helped though. Any suggestions as to what to do?

Dr Ayan says: You're not alone, mate. I see so many guys with similar problems.

We always want to rule out physical causes first, so that means: knocking booze and fags on the head, increasing your amount of aerobic exercise, making sure your blood pressure is normal, ensuring that you're not overweight or diabetic. I'm assuming you've done all this. If you haven't, you need to address this before anything else - even if it is only two pints a night or five fags a day - it really can make a massive difference to some people.

Then we look at the psychological side of things. Are you under huge stress? Did you have any difficult sexual experiences? Are there things from your youth that may be affecting your sexual performance or confidence? This is all a bit touchy-feely, but can only be explored through psychosexual counselling which is generally very useful. The therapist - sorry for the Americanism - will carefully listen to the words you use, listen to your story and delve deeper into any issues that may arise or be relevant.

Usually, these 'issues' are beyond your own conscious realm of understanding. A case I remember hearing about years ago was about a young athlete who just could not stay erect or ejaculate when he was with any of his many partners over the years. It turned out, after some therapy sessions, that he had a disabled brother who died when he was a child and that subconcsiously he was 'withholding' his sperm in case he created a sick child. Once he'd acknowledged this, his problem disappeared.

There's no way you can get to the bottom of this kind of thing in just one GP consultation, as the issues are so deeply buried in the back of the mind. If you go through the counselling and there's STILL no joy, then you can try other drugs or even try surgery as a last resort but give the counselling a go - it may change your life.

'Mr Sex' says: Well, I can't really add much to that, apart from addressing your partner. Seriously, and in the nicest way possible, what the fuck is up with her? Does she not want a seeing-to off you, then? While I totally understand the reticence of certain people to get counselling for relationship issues, I think she's being well unfair to you here. After all, you have gone to great pains to point out that it's your problem, it's a problem that has fucked over other relationships in the past, and you don't want it to fuck up this one.

It's pretty obvious that you are asking for her support and nothing else, and if she's not prepared to give it up - whether she goes with you or steps back and gives you the time to do what you need to do to get over - then unfortunately she's another obstacle in the way. Harsh, but true. And yes, this cuts both ways - plenty of men assume that a long-seated sexual problem that their partner is going through is something to do with them, and it'll be their sexual performance that'll be up for scrutiny, the sucky sods.

My advice? Listen to Dr.A.

Readers of TT: comment!

Manbits #14

*** If you're male, and you want a bit of advice on your sexy, sexy mither, drop us an e-mail at todger dot talk at googlemail dot com ***

Anonymous writes: OK, here's the situation: there's this well sexy and extremely upfront girl I used to see in the pub a few years ago, and we got on really well and flirted like mad with each other - even though nothing happened. Then she disappeared. Three years later, she suddenly reappears after having a kid and settling down with someone. We went out for a drink, and were this close to going home together. She asks to see me the following week, and tells me that she's splitting up with this bloke because there's no chemistry and they're only together for the kid and if she stays with him any longer the relationship is going to get even worse, etc etc. Then she tells me that, although I have absolutely nothing to do with her splitting up and she doesn't want a relationship, she wants me to be her fuckbuddy.

Here's the awkward bits - 1) She hasn't had sex in 2 years, 2) It’s been a while for me too, 3) she's 21 and I'm 39, and 4) The last time I had a one-night stand I couldn't get it up, and I'm terrified it might happen again. I’ve never done this sort of thing before, and half of me is champing at the bit thinking of the sex bonanza on the horizon, while the other half is scared that it's going to be a disaster. How do I play this?

'Mr Sex' says: Cor. And there was me thinking you were going to say; "I'm not asking for advice - I just need to brag about it to someone".

OK, a lot of shit to wade through here, so I'll take it step by step. First off; 'Fuckbuddy' has to be the most nauseous word in the entire sexual lexicon – the Sexicon, if you will. It makes people sound like big fluffy Care Bears with massive engorged genitals, and completely fails to encapsulate the emotion, level of trust and intimacy that relationships such as this contain. So anyway, you've got yourself a knock-off. Hurrah! And yes, it looks like an avalanche of shagging in forthcoming. But you’re right to be a bit cautious. After all, and I don’t care what anyone else says, ‘casual sex’ is an oxymoron; no-one lobs their nob into someone else’s fanny in a casual manner. Unless they’re David Hunter off Crossroads, maybe.

Firstly, you and your lady friend need to make the arrangement as uncomplicated as possible, by laying down some ground rules - so both of you know where you stand. I’ve never done this kind of thing before, so I’m guessing a bit here, but I reckon something along the lines of the following would suffice;

1. The needs of the nipper come first (for obvious reasons)
2. The sex bits happen at your place, if that’s feasible (so said nipper doesn’t get involved, and you don’t have to be ‘Uncle Anonymous’)
3. If either of you come across someone you want to have a relationship with, you give your knock-off as much advance notice as possible
4. Above all, absolute honesty at all times.

I'm definitely not an expert on these matters, so I'll leave it to our lovely readers. As for the age issue - it obviously doesn't bother her, so why should it mither you? And there's very little point worrying about your performance - after all, she's probably looking for an older man who knows what he's doing and expects loads of foreplay. So give it to her, as it'll give you loads of time to calm down and let nature take its course.

Readers of TT: Comment!

Manbits #13

*** If you're male, and you want a bit of advice on your sexy, sexy mither, drop us an e-mail at todger dot talk at googlemail dot com ***

Anonymous writes: An ex of mine has naked pictures of me tied to her bed with a pair of those pink fluffy handcuffs. We’re not really on speaking terms at the moment. What is the best way of approaching her to make sure she doesn’t distribute the photos to anyone else?

 

Sam says: Well of course, I have to say that the first lesson of this little situation is never, ever, ever, ever let anyone take photos or videos of you while you are up to something naughty. As Paris Hilton and many other celebrities found out, you are only a click away from You Tube sharing all your sexual secrets with the rest of the world. You’ve run into that old problem of something that seemed fun at the time coming back and biting you where it hurts. To be blunt – don’t piss her off. There is only one reason people tend to publish those sort of photos – revenge. So don’t give her any reason to get angry, and under no circumstances talk to her about it.

 

Sometimes the best tactic is to just let sleeping dogs lie. Then, a year or so down the track, when you guys are friends again, maybe you can talk to her about deleting them. But talking about them now is just going to mean they are going to end up on Facebook or Flikr faster than you can say 'pissed-off ex'. In future, try the Grandmother test - when someone is about to take a photo, ask yourself if your granny would be happy seeing this in her photo album. If she wouldn’t don’t let them take the photo, or if they have, grab the camera and delete them!

 

And one final point: thank your lucky stars that it was only fluffy handcuffs. My friend, you really got off lightly – let this be a lesson to you. Next time it could be much, much worse.

 

'Mr Sex' says: Shit the bed.

 

OK, first things first; as Sam points out, this is a comparatively low-level shaming. Ann Summers handcuffs? Pah! I've got more embarrassing pictures of me on the hallway wall, mate - turn round the wrong way when you hang your coat up, and there's a pic of me lying naked on a table in a hotel in Gatwick while a couple of Nanas rub baby oil into my chest. I’m really not the person to talk to about this, to be honest.

 

You’ve not told us too much about the status of your former relationship (do you have mutual friends? Is she already seeing someone else? Are you?), so I can’t be as precise with an answer as I’d like. But let’s go through the possibilities;

 

She’s already binned it off, because you’ve split up and she can’t stand the sight of you.

 

This is a very high probability. After all, she’s not male, is she? She’s not going to need something to keep her warm on those long winter nights, in’t it? And if you’re not on speaking terms, she’ll want to get shot of every trace of your ex-boyfriendy musk, especially the sexier whiffs.

 

She’s kept hold of it, but not shown it to anyone.

 

Again, high probability – probably more due to laziness than anything else. And if that’s the case, so what? Let her letch over what she once had and let ship through her fingers, the sucky mare. If you are condemned to be an object of lust for someone, than so be it.

 

She’s shown it to her female friends.

 

There’s a chance that this has happened, but it’s really nothing to mither over. After all, she probably broke down every facet of your sexual technique and domestic habits to a cackling coven of mates as they stirred the jug of Long Island Iced Tea the minute the relationship ended. If she broke out the pic of you being all vulnerable on the bed, you should thank her for advertising your services.

 

She’s shown it to her new bloke, male friends etc.

 

Well if she’s done this (and I’d say it was quite a long shot), she’s made a right balls-up of things. Men hate to hear women banging on about the foibles of their exes, but being shown photos of them with their cock out is a million times more counter-productive. I recall one lady who took me back to her boudoir and proceeded to show me a Polaroid of her ex (who I had met a couple of times) lying on his back with one of her enormous dildos up his ringpiece while he was tossing off (see what I mean when we say how lucky you were?). She was trying to imply that she got up to all sorts. I inwardly vowed to do nothing with her but lights-out Missionary.

 

She’s used it for nefarious purposes.

 

Again, she’s not male, so she won’t have sent them to Gay magazines, or posted them up in ladies toilets. And if she had, she’d be absolutely pilloried by all right-thinking members of the community.

 

So, to sum it up, I think your fears are a touch misguided. As for dealing with the situation...I don’t think you should be as wary of her as Sam makes out, but you definitely shouldn’t get on her wick. You're going to have to play the waiting game: If she is going to be part of your life in the foreseeable future, there’s bound to be a stage where you can laugh about your little photoshoot, and then you can discreetly enquire about its whereabouts.  If she isn't, then who gives a toss what she does with it? And if she is using this pic as some sort of leverage over you, then it just goes to show that she wasn’t worth the steam off your piss in the first place.

 

TT readers – comment!

This question was orginally asked on a webchat with Sam on www.menshealth.co.uk 

Manbits #12

*** If you're male, and you want a bit of advice on your sexy, sexy mither, drop us an e-mail at todger dot talk at googlemail dot com ***

John asks: My girlfriend and I have recently moved in together after being involved for about two years, and ever since our sex life has taken a nosedive. What was several times a week has turned into once a week if that. Is it common for the over-familiarity to kill the spark somewhat? What can I do to get it back?

’Mr Sex’ says: Hm. Pardon me for being a bit harsh, but sexpert-and-older-person-wise, this question is right up there with ‘Will the sun come up tomorrow?’ and ‘Why is all this brown stuff falling out my arse?’

Sam’s gonna hit you with the science in a bit, but I’m going to lay out the actual-factual. When you start going out with someone for the first time, you can’t believe your luck. You’re sitting there, next to them, and you think to yourself; Fucking hell. That person I’ve had my eye on for ages is going out with me. I can do anything I like with ‘em. I could lean over and snog them right now, and they’d let me. Actually, sod that – I could just cop a handful. And I will. Fwoarrrr!

And then you get thrown off the bus. But it doesn’t matter! Because it’s ace, being with someone in the first flushes of love, particularly when you live apart – because nothing gets a person more worked up than the anticipation of it all. Put it another way; the sex is on tap, but the pipe needs fixing, and you’re having to wait for the plumber to come round before you can spill things and gush, if you know what I mean and I think you do.

When you move in together, however, the entire dynamic changes. The upside is that you see far more of each other than you did before. The downside, on the other hand, is that you see far more of each other than you did before. Instead of detailed conversations about what you’re going to do to each other when you get each other alone, you finally are together alone – and discovering that you’re talking about whose turn it was to get the bog roll in and what DVD you’re going to rent from the off licence. And knickers on the floor suddenly lose their erotic allure when they’ve been there three days running.

I’m not saying that living together is a one-way ticket to Terry and June-Land, where sex happens only on birthdays and rainy bank holidays; you just have to work at it like a bastard from here on in. First off, don’t panic; you’re not going off each other. You’ve merely entered a new and scary phase of the relationship, that involves bills, shopping lists, and all that other domesticated wank. Secondly, start thinking about spending time away from each other again (i.e., START SEEING YOUR MATES AND NOT BEING A TWO-HEADED RELATIONSHIP-MONSTER). Thirdly…well, I’ll leave that up to Mr Van Rood…

Sam says: What you are experiencing happens to pretty much every single couple in the world. After you first get together the spark goes, you start nesting and things slow down.

The key thing to realise is that this is a natural process. When you first meet someone and fall in love your body releases PEA – the love drug. It's the thing that makes your tummy flip, your palms sweat and you want to shag your partner silly at every possible chance.

After about 12-18 months, the PEA stops being produced and the fireworks fade. At this point you body starts producing oxytocin – the snuggle drug. It makes you want to nest, snuggle up on the couch and cuddle, and unfortunately sex tends to drop considerably at this point too. It promotes long term bonding but misses the fireworks of when you first got together. So basically, it's not so much over-familiarity that kills the spark, it's just natural changes that pretty much happen to every one.

So what can you do? Essentially getting some excitement back once you've been together requires work, rather than just happening naturally as it did right at the start of your relationship. You need to schedule in time and make the effort for a) sex b) excitement. First big thing to try is Siestas. Talk to your girlfriend and block out 3-6pm of every Saturday and Sunday for the next two months. This is time for you to get into bed, have a snooze, maybe read a book and hopefully actually have some sex. It's perfect because you've got time to do something in the morning, and it will leave you refreshed for getting out in the evening too – meaning you can have your cake and eat it too.

Second thing is do some exciting stuff together – I'm talking stuff that gets your adrenalin going. Maybe do an indoor rock climbing course together, go to Alton Towers and ride the roller coasters, or work out other ways you get a buzz like going out clubbing. You need to regularly schedule in some excitement together – which will then also wash over into your sex life.

Basically, you've discovered the hard truth that to keep a relationship alive and interesting it takes a bit of scheduling, planning and a bit of work. But once you've worked this as a habit into your relationship routine, you've got a regular flow of extra sex and excitement on tap, which is well worth the effort.

TT readers: Comment!

This question was originally asked on a webchat with Sam on www.menshealth.co.uk

Manbits #11

*** If you're male, and you want a bit of advice on your sexy, sexy mither, drop us an e-mail at todger dot talk at googlemail dot com ***

Anonymous writes: I have had a decent amount of sexual partners in the past and I have never come up against this problem before; I've just met someone that I like a lot and we have finally starting doing the tango. All was going well until she told me one night that she "cant" come. I was a bit confused by this and thought I was doing something wrong, but she told me she has never come in her life! I find this pretty strange and wonder if she just has accepted the fact that it might not be easy and never bothered or is this the case with some women? She says she still really enjoys sex with me and she is totally satisfied, but I just feel there is something missing as I come every time!

She gets pretty embarrassed talking about what we do in bed but she told me that she has never masturbated. I hinted that she should try it but she says she doesn't see the point. I am thinking about buying her a toy a few months down the road and hoping it doesn't offend her.

I would appreciate some expert advice on this one!

Sam says: This is a very interesting question – and kind of tricky. The first thing is that your girlfriend is not alone; research indicates that 12% of women never orgasm and 75% don't orgasm during intercourse. Very occasionally there is a medical reason, but mostly it is down to lack of clitoral stimulation.

Because your girlfriend has never masturbated and doesn't know how to please herself, it makes it harder for you. She can't show you how - and perhaps most importantly she doesn't really know what she's missing out on. It's kind of like a person who has never experienced the endorphin rush you get at the gym – they can't understand what gym bunnies are doing because from the outside it just looks like a lot of sweat and hard work. Orgasms are a bit like the endorphin rush you get in the gym, once you've experienced it, you're addicted and can't go back, but there is a quite a bit of work to get there in the first place.

You could try to get her to help herself, but that is not really an option, since she isn't really interested. Again it would be like trying to convince a couch potato to go the gym, they can't see the point and it just won't happen.

The best option is for you to show her what she's been missing out on. Unfortunately most sex toys are just designed for women, or just for men. And let's face it - from her point of view putting a massive pink thing with bunny ears inside her is not going to be terribly appealing. Fortunately the tide is changing and there are now sex toys available that are designed for couples to use on each other.

Your solution could be the ipod of the sex toy world – the Intimate Massager. It's kind of cool because it doesn't really look like a sex toy, more like a designer pebble that just happens to vibrate - so very low intimidation factor. Also it's totally waterproof so you can use it in the bath when you are both already feeling relaxed. The key it that it is designed for a couple to use on each other – so you can take the lead by suggesting she tries it on you, and talk to her about what works and what doesn't. Then it's just a natural step to do the same with her. Basically you've got to show her what she's been missing out on under the guise of you wanting to experiment with a new toy.

The other thing you might like to try is the new We-vibe - a very clever device that stimulates her clitoris, g-spot and your fella all while you are having sex. Once you've popped it in you just use a bit of lube and have sex as normal but with some extra turbo powered sensations.

Between the two of these toys you should be able to get her over the line. It's going to take a bit of experimenting, but once she has her first orgasm you are going to be her knight in shining armour. Once she's had one she won't want to turn back – and suddenly she will understand what all the fuss was about.

'Mr Sex' says: Sam's pretty much locked down her dilemma, so let's have a pick at yours. You are going to have to tread as carefully as someone with brand new trainers in a room full of bear traps and dog shit, me lad. I don't envy you at all, because there's lot of stuff to work though before you even think about lobbing a few sex toys up her.

First things first; yes, there are plenty, plenty women knocking about who have never had an orgasm, for various reasons. A previous fling of mine - who I had lusted after for longer than some of you out there have been alive - knocked me bandy when she told me it wasn't until she was in her late thirties when he had her first one (by which time the thought of her had given me thousands of 'em).

As Sam has pointed out, there could be any one of a number of reasons why your girl hasn't felt a bustle in her hedgerow - and if you don't watch out, you're going to add another handful of the bastards. First off, however well-intentioned you're trying to be, there's nothing worse than calling the state of your partner's or anyone's libido as 'pretty strange' - so cut that bollocks out immediately.

The other main danger you should be aware of is the hit your ego is currently taking; being an obviously considerate and aware modern male, her orgasm is just as important a boost to you as yours is. It's very easy to go into a relationship with someone like your girl and assume that she's had nothing but crap/inconsiderate/abusive exes, and only you can heal her. That's the short cut to developing complexes of your own.

Simply put, the only pink bits you should even think about stimulating right now are the ones between her ears. You need to make it clear that she can trust you 110%, you're not going to start getting the hump with her or push her into doing things she's not ready for, and - most importantly - you love having sex with her. Women are capable of dealing with orgasm-less sex far better than we are (although it goes without saying they enjoy orgasms as much as we do, if not more so), and if she feels she's you stopping you from having a sex wee, you're doing more harm than good.

Once you've given her the confidence to be completely open with you, you can then start on paying her some serious bodily attention. The way I see it, if she's never masturbated (which is something we pretty much attempt to do from a frighteningly early age), I'm guessing that there must be plenty of other places she hasn't even thought of touching - so give some of her other erogenous zones (i.e., pretty much everywhere else) a serious fussing, so you can find out what she likes. When she's aware that you're not going to lunge for her fanny without warning, she'll be a lot more open to you being a bit more intimate with her.

Basically, there's no quick fix here and you have to be aware that you might not be her clitoral saviour, no matter how hard you try. She enjoys sex with you; that's a pretty decent start. Now start enjoying sex with her, stop mithering, and take it from there.

Readers of TT: Comment!

Manbits #10

*** If you're male, and you want a bit of advice on your sexy, sexy mither, drop us an e-mail at todger dot talk at googlemail dot com ***

Anonymous writes: Ok, so here's the situation.

I met a girl - let's call her Charlotte. About 10 years ago, at Uni, she was going out with someone else, I fell in love. Didn't do anything at the time because I was a "nice boy". Became friends. Yeah, you know this one. Eventually some years later decided to tell her how I felt (the "some years" thing being a clue that it hadn't gone away).

Did so, as expected did not have the immediate result of her falling into my arms.
Ten years later. I haven't exactly been a monk, either in the developing killer martial arts moves and a deep sense of spiritual peace sense, or in the "not having sex" sense. However, I've never met anyone who seemed so right - we just seem to be incredibly well-matched. We're still good friends - very close friends, in fact.

Charlotte's been dating a guy for the last few years with whom she is, as far as I can tell, very, very happy. (He's a great guy. He's also really similar to me in a lot of ways - although to be fair is also different in some, notably being a bit less driven.)
I haven't had a relationship of longer than six months in the last six years. All of my relationships have been with very smart, very sexy, very interesting girls, but they've all ended for one reason or another (mutual lack of interest, not-mutual lack of interest (from both sides at different times), mild insanity).

A decade plus seems a reasonable length of time to have met someone else I was interested in, if it was going to happen. I'm starting to wonder if my conviction that there's no such thing as "the one" is in fact wrong. Periodically I convince myself I'm over her, but let's face it, that's clearly crap. I've never met anyone like her - anyone who has ideas like hers, who can point out when I'm talking bullshit like her, who's funny and sarcastic and sexy as her, who's on so much the same wavelength as me, who talks and writes and moves like her. I've had people tell me that I need to stop measuring against the Charlotte standard, but, well, hard to do.

Ah, shite. What to do? Just keep going and hope that I meet someone else whom I fall for? That strategy appears to be sucking so far. I've tried meeting people randomly, dating sites, going to lots of parties, etc, etc...

Sam says: Mmm, this is a tricky one. My first urge is to grab hold of you, give a hard slap and say ‘What are you thinking man! Move on!’ But then this is the real world and you are talking about your real feelings, and feelings are complicated irrational things.

The first issue is that you have clearly fallen into the Frienditis trap - a deadly place to be and almost impossible to get out of. All I can really suggest is that you keep being friends and set yourself up as her Plan B, and get ready to move swiftly if things go tits up with her current boyfriend.

As for her being the perfect girl; the trouble is, that if you actually started dating her, you'd find very quickly that she isn’t. As a friend you don’t have to smell her farts, put up with her being cranky with PMT and a myriad of other annoying things that lurk under the ‘perfect girlfriend’ exterior. As a friend, you almost always see the good bits when she has tarted herself up to go out and is having fun.

There is no real use me telling you to change the way you feel – the only thing I can really suggest is that you go out shopping in some more places where you might find women who are as great as her. Try www.mysinglefriend.com, the Selfridges of the online dating world, where even I get intimidated looking at the quality of their totty. You could also try www.scarletdating.co.uk, the dating site of the brilliant Scarlet magazine – I can pretty much guarantee that every sexy, smart, funny thinking girl in London reads it, so a bunch of the single ones should have signed up to their dating service.

Perhaps you could focus more on the monk angle and take up Zen meditation. You might realise that what is really important is the moment right now, and that longing for the perfect object of our desire just brings suffering. Sounds a bit wanky, but might actually help to change the way you feel.

‘Mr Sex’ says: Never mind Sam - I’ll give you a slap, mate. You bleddy well need one. You’ve basically crippled every relationship you’ve had right from the beginning, because you known all along that if this bird offered to drop both her current bloke and her knickers, you’d be up there like a rat up a drainpipe.

Obviously, you’ve been knocked bandy by that bag-of-wank idea that has polluted our minds for far too long, and your's in particular; the theory that, somewhere out there, is that one person who is our – holding back a little bit of sick in my mouth here – ‘soulmate’. And isn’t it funny that, out of the six billion plus people rattling about on this planet, this one person always happens to share the same workplace/school/college/bus queue as you?

Naturally, this person is not interested or is knocking about with someone else, which only makes you want them more. When you actually do become friends with them (mainly because you fancy the arse off them), it gets even worse. In the meantime, you treat every other potential partner as a make-do compromise, with an eye on the main chance. Congratulations: not only are you fucking yourself over, you’re shitting on someone else who's trying to make a go of it with you (as well as every other partner they run into when they’ve had enough of your half-arsed commitment).

Look, mate – surely now, after ten years, you must realise it’s not going to happen. Your choice is either to carry on mournging over this woman (whilst repelling every other potential partner you come into contact with), or take several steps away from her, take several deep breaths, and go and get what you need from someone else. And if I’m being overtly harsh, it’s only because I was you about ten years ago, and I'm hoping someone invents a time machine soon so I can go back there and give myself a severe kicking for being such a gorm. Don't make the mistake I did, young fella m'lad - end this bollocks now.

Readers of TT: Comment!

Manbits #9

*** If you're male, and you want a bit of advice on your sexy, sexy mither, drop us an e-mail at todger dot talk at googlemail dot com ***

Anonymous writes: Hi Sam and Mr. Sex, Been reading Todger Talk for a while as it's nice to find some men who can talk about sex in a vaguely grown-up manner!

Here is my dilemma: I've just moved in with my girlfriend of 2ish years. Last year we were in a long-distance relationship as I was still studying but she was working elsewhere. The sex was always intense and we were both really up for it when we saw each other. Now we have moved in together it seems like she is much less interested in the sexual side of our relationship, which took me by surprise given how we were in the first year of the relationship and when we were apart.

When we do have sex, it very much feels like I have to do all the work as she just lies there during foreplay, which as you can imagine doesn't make for the greatest sex. While the intercourse itself is still good, it's a bit unfulfilling and leaves me resenting that I have once again done most of the work. Every time I try to bring it up she jokes it off that we are having a fair bit of sex, and that I'm just always desperate. The trouble is that while 2/3 times a week might be a lot to some, for me it doesn't seem very much, and when it is, it isn't completely satisfying.

How can I change this rut we have got into, either by bringing it up in a better way, or maybe by changing something in the bedroom?

Sam says: Man, this really sucks. Essentially you have a lazy girlfriend and perhaps a case of mismatched libidos.

First, sort out satisfying yourself - the more pressure you put on her to have sex the less she is going to want it. Take off the pressure, and she will mysteriously start wanting more. Order yourself a Tenga Fliphole, show it to her when it arrives, and joke with her that you’ve had to take on a new Japanese mistress. Firstly this will lessen your desire, and it will hopefully make her a bit jealous and spur her into action.

You’ve taken the responsible course and talked about it, but that hasn’t worked, so you are going to have to make her feel the way you are feeling. Give her a dose of her own medicine. Basically next time you go to bed, mirror what she does. If she is just lying there, then you just lie there. Match exactly what she does. If she starts to snog you, do the same. If she starts some foreplay, do the same. Let her take the lead.

Be warned, at first this is going to really piss her off and sex might decline to zero times a week. But remember – you are just making her feel the way that you feel. Fair’s fair. Stand your ground. If she complains, just make a joke out of it and mirror back what she says, that you are having a fair bit of sex and she’s desperate. You are doing two things, taking the pressure off and giving her a dose of her own medicine.

Believe me, if you stand your ground, things will start to change. Actions speak many times louder than words – I think you’ll find in a couple of weeks she will start making much more effort, or at the very least understand how you are feeling and take you seriously rather than taking the piss.

‘Mr Sex’ says: Hm. This is a bastard of a problem, and one that isn’t just confined to women. Let’s go back to the first time you and your missus were at it like knives; not only were you having sex with someone new, you were also having to put yourself right out to get it and clearing every other concern off the table. Work? Bollocks to it! Mates? Fuck ‘em! Everything you did in your spare time that made you the person you are today? Arseholes to it all – I WANT FUCK, WOMAN! When you know that the other person feels exactly the same way as you, the sex is amazing.

And then, when you move in together, all that goes out of the window. It’s easy to see why – she’s there. All the time. It’s on tap. You can lean over and cop a feel any time you like. So, after a while, you stop wanting to and fall into a regimented system where you have sex a set amount of times, usually at the end of the night, and it becomes another thing to stick on a rota. Don’t think I’m saying that living together is a stone cold 100% passion-killer, but it can be if you let it.

How do you break out of it? You both start clawing back your individuality (and the personality that attracted you to each other in the first place) and stop being glommed to each other for 16 hours a day. Attend to your currently-neglected mates. Go back to the things you used to do. Basically, stop being a two-headed relationship monster for at least some of your spare time, go back to being the people you both wanted to ride like a seaside donkey in the first place, and see what happens.

People of TT: Comment!

Manbits #8

*** If you're male, and you want a bit of advice on your sexy, sexy mither, drop us an e-mail at todger dot talk at googlemail dot com ***

Anonymous writes: Dear TT,

I've only just come across your blog, and have been nodding my head incessantly at your Frienditis posts. There's this girl who I've got to know and I get on with famously, and I've fallen for her big time. And I'm sure she knows, even though I've not said as much. She's seeing someone, but she's always moaning about him. Anyway, long story short - she's looking for somewhere to live in the very near future (she was gonna live with her bloke, but changed her mind - which started another argument, apparently), and I have a spare room at mine. I've not made a firm offer, but it's been talked about and she seems really keen. What do I do?

Sam says: Kiss of death or golden opportunity? That is the question!

Kiss of death?

Being a flatmate dramatically increases the risk of frienditis. You are essentially skipping straight to the domestic stage of a relationship without all the buzz of falling in love. You get to smell each others farts in the toilet. Witness first hand each other's bad habits that can be hidden from the outside world. See each other first thing in the morning looking very rough without the benefit of having had great sex the night before.

I would hazard you are thinking, well, if we live together we can really get to know each other, she will realise what a great guy I am and ditch the other guy who really is a twat. Actually you will get to see all of each other's bad bits and get to hear her moan every single day about her boyfriend while you stare longingly at her. In fact you being her constant moaning companion may actually prolong the relationship, since she can let it all out on someone else and go back and enjoy the good times with her current boyfriend.

Golden opportunity?

Well, you have her around a lot, so there are lot of chances to make a move. The real golden opportunity is this: potential for boozy nights in, with beds just literally a step away. This dramatically reduces the amount of thinking time she has, which is a very big advantage in this sort of situation. The difference between a friend and a boyfriend is sex and the less time she has to think 'oh, am I going to wreck a fantastic friendship', 'oh my boyfriend's a twat, but I really shouldn't be snogging someone else' the better.

In this case only let her move in if you intend to get sozzled and make a very serious move on her very quickly. But be warned, it is probably going to be very uncomfortable in the morning.

My advice? Don't let her move in and start focusing on other women to distract yourself. At the same time, work on setting yourself up as her Plan B. Be patient and go for a quick swoop once she's broken up with her current man.

'Mr Sex' says: I can sum my answer up in two words;

NO, MATE.

Have you discussed with any of your friends the fact that you're even thinking about doing this? Because if they're not slapping you across your fool head and telling you to sort your life out, they are no friends at all. Seriously, what the fuck is going through your mind? Do you think she's gonna look at you on a Saturday morning while you're devouring the remains of last night's Tesco Value pizza with an extra layer of beans on it while watching Football Focus in a chatty dressing gown that flaps open at an alarming rate and think to herself "Ooh, actually, he's a bit of a catch, him. I really ought to have sex with him sometime"? Do you think a conversation about whose turn it is to buy the arse paper is going to end with her sliding her hands into yours and staring into your eyes? Yes, having her in the house is going to give you a slim opportunity to get your end away when she's tired and emotional, but if you're going down that pathetic route, you might as well dish a handful of rohypnol into the kettle while you're at it.

Don't misunderstand my ire; I know what you're thinking. If I show her what a real man is about, and how good it could be, she's bound to nob off this other twat. In actual fact (and as Sam has already mentioned) you'll actually prolong their relationship, because she'll have the best of both worlds; she'll have all the drama of knocking off a (yawn) 'Bad Boy' while coming home to a gormless doormat who'll do anything she asks. And if you think it'll be bad enough to have to listen to him giving your object a desire a noisy seeing-to, wait until you see him on your sofa, with his twatty feet on your coffee table, on your X-Box 360.

Look, she already knows you fancy her, because women invariably do. So stop twatting about, make a move or don't, and find someone with a decent DVD collection to move in with. And thank me for telling you all this six months down the line.

Some Manbits For The Ladies, #18 & #7

*** If you're male, female, or just unsure, and you want a bit of advice on your sexy, sexy mither, drop us an e-mail at todger dot talk at googlemail dot com ***

A Sunny Moo writes: My boyfriend and I use condoms for protection, but they tear sometimes while we're having sex. He's on the bigger side, 7-8 inches long and 4 inches in circumference (this is a guess), but I always heard that regular condoms should work for most guys unless they're King Kong. He puts them on correctly, so that's not the issue. We've been using Durex extra sensitive, which are 20 percent thinner than regular condoms, and I suspect that may be the problem, that they're too thin. I'd hate for him to feel less sensation, but clearly we need to switch brands. I'd like some specific brands and suggestions - there are too many types of condoms to choose from. If it makes a difference, I'm in the U.S.

Sam Says: Ahh, that we should all have the same problem. Dear Sexpert, my willie is too big. Help!

But seriously, I would suggest that you try a larger size of condom, the average condom is made for the average guy, who is about six inches long, so at 8 inches your boyfriend is 33% bigger. Try something like the Durex XL or XXL – you can get them in the US here.

I suspect size is the issue here, not brand. I know that South African men had a special range of extra large condoms launched for them as they were using the excuse that normal condoms were too small to skip safe sex. You could also try the Trojan Thintensity which is 8 inches long, or the Magnum XL.

'Mr Sex' says: Putting aside the big nob issue, condom splittage is a bastard of a problem, and not just for those of us hung like blue whales. You can split a condom in many ways - while you're opening the packet, through a lack of proper lubrication, or by slapping 'em on without due care and attention. Apparently, girth is also an issue - you're more likely to split a Johnny if you've got a thick'un as opposed to a long'un.

The latter seems to be the problem.in this case. Unfortunately, me telling your bloke which brand of jizzy-bag to go for would be about as useful as Telly Savalas recommending a particular hairspray. Choosing the right Johnny is a very personal thing indeed, so I'm afraid that you and him are going to have to shop around, buy a selection of condoms, and have loads and loads of sex. You poor thing.

(Oh, and if you want information from the hung-like-a-horse's mouth, you could always hit up the Large Penis Support Group. Actually, this thread here is pretty decent)

Manbits #6

*** If you're male, and you want a bit of advice on your sexy, sexy mither, drop us an e-mail at todger dot talk at googlemail dot com ***

Sex Wasp says: I feel a right Judas asking you this, but here goes; I’ve known my best mate and his girlfriend for ages, and I get on with them both, but from what he’s told me and the way he’s acting, I’ve got this horrible feeling that he’s either on the verge of (or already having) a fling with someone from his workplace. I haven’t asked him straight out, and it’s none of my business, but his girlfriend is now almost as much of a mate to me as he is (and she went on my wife’s hen do, so they know each other), and I know that if my suspicions are correct, I’m going to be dragged into a world of shit. What do I say to him – if anything?

Sam says: You are really playing with fire here – the danger is either way you are going to get your hands burnt and will end up having to take sides. Confront him and it looks like you are taking her side. Turn a blind eye, and then it might all come out in the wash when the shit hits the fan down the track.

You could try the indirect route – once you’ve had a couple of pints ask how things are going with his girlfriend, mention you notice things seem a little rocky. Often when people play away, it’s because they are not getting what they want from their partner, whether it is love, excitement, the lure of the forbidden, or things are just getting mundane. Where there’s smoke there’s fire.

You are not going to stop him playing away by telling him how bad he is – chances are you’ll find there’s something amiss in the relationship, at least from his point of view. Either he might bring it up himself, or maybe you might actually get to talk about what’s up with his girl. Stop the fire, and then you might stop the smoke.

‘Mr Sex’ says: This is a big, fat, big-titted bastard of a dilemma, and I feel your pain here. No, it’s none of your business if he’s got a knock-off on the side. And yet, it is. He might not want you sticking your oar in at the moment, but who’s he gonna call when the shit hits the fan, and whose ear is he gonna chew off if it all goes tits-up? Exactly.

Also, it’s in your best interests to help sort it out for absolutely selfish reasons; I don’t have to tell you how hard it is to find a mate’s girlfriend who you actually get on with and doesn’t get in the way of a friendship, and when she’s involved with your missus…well, you’re going to get involved and be forced to take sides whether you like it or not.

Personally, what I’d do is to take the Sam route and have a quiet word – but I’d also take the time to point out as subtly as possible how mint his girlfriend is (if she is), and make it clear to him that women as good as that aren’t exactly dropping off trees – and if he’s got time to kill, he should be killing it with you. Even better, sort out some quality time between the four of you; demonstrate that the coupled-up lifestyle is far removed from the Terry And June stereotype, and – when the relationship’s good - it’s a fuck’s sight better than trawling the pubs for meaningless sexual encounters or whatever’s going at the office.

And if the worst comes to the worst and he is carrying on with someone else, at least you’ve made him take the first step towards being a man about it and ending his current relationship. Telling him he’s being a twat won’t solve anything, but make it absolutely clear that, although you won’t tell on him, neither will you help him hide it. I’m very interested to see what other people think about this, so I’m shutting up right now and saying…

People of TT: Comment!

Manbits #4

*** If you're male, and you want a bit of advice on your sexy, sexy mither, drop us an e-mail at todger dot talk at googlemail dot com ***

Supreme Monkey Overlord writes: I currently share a flat with another bloke, who I don’t know all that well, but apart from one thing we get on fine. We have a shared PC (mine) in the living room, and I don’t mind him using it at all. But recently the browser has become absolutely rammed with porn bookmarks, and I know for a fact that they’re not from me. I really want to have a word with him about it because I feel he’s taking the piss (I’ve told my girlfriend that it’s bust at the moment, as I don’t want her using it, thinking it’s me and kicking off), but I don’t want to start a row - and I really don’t want to raise the possibility of what he gets up to on my PC. What do I do?

Sam says: I think a computer is a bit like a bed; it’s actually a very personal thing and part of your territory, but the trouble is people tend to treat it like public property these days. How would you feel if the bloke you lived with just slept in your bed every time he felt like it and had a wank while reading porn? Pretty pissed off, I’d imagine.

Apart from anything else, he is putting you and your computer at risk. Loads of porn sites have adware, trojans and viruses, and looking at porn is a (if not the) prime way to get spammed and have your computer turned into a zombie bot.

Talk is cheap and people stay the same – you asking him to stop looking at porn on your computer (and probably having a good old monkey spank at the same time) isn’t going to actually stop anything. At best he will just delete the bookmarks and keep doing what he already does.

Therefore, you’ve got to bite the bullet on this one and take action. Move the computer into your bedroom, which is your personal territory, which makes it much harder for him justify using it. Then, also tell him that you have had some problems with spam and viruses, that it’s your personal computer and he’s going to need to get himself a laptop. He’ll take it on the chin, stop taking the lazy option and if he really wants some good wank material, buy himself a laptop. Probably better for everyone - there is no chance that you or your girlfriend are going to have the horrible experience of him caught in the headlights monkey in hand, and he gets to the look at porn in the privacy of his own room. Laptops are much cheaper these days (you can even get one with a new mobile phone contract), so really it shouldn’t be much skin off anyone’s nose.

‘Mr Sex’ says: Hm, one of the great dilemmas of the age, this one. I’m gonna play Devil’s Advocate here, and take the side of your mate.

Obviously, the situation is pissing you off enormously, and by the tone of your e-mail, you’re about this close to bursting into the flat after spending a night brooding in the pub, laying about his skull with a keyboard, and screaming “I’M! NOT! PAYING! FOR! YOUR! WANKS!” with every stroke. House-related toss-problems always bring about extreme reactions; we know that we enjoy relaxing in a gentlemanly manner, but when we think about anyone else we know doing the same…yeuch.

Speaking as someone who doesn’t have £400 quid lying about, I’m not down with Sam’s idea that one can pick up a laptop just like that, and the moving of something you’ve offered to share is the first step towards a war of domestic minge-bag attrition that invariably leads to people writing their names on their eggs. So let’s not do that, not just yet. Furthermore, firing wankusations at another man is not on, either, and will cause far more trouble than its worth. In any case, these bookmarks could have come from anywhere - a gambling site, a P2P programme, a dodgy software site – and for all you know, you could have activated them yourself.

I’m not the most spodular person I know, but a quick and easy solution would be to do a complete scan and de-grot of your hard drive (even reformat the whole thing, if you can back everything up on a portable drive), and then create separate password accounts for each of you. That way, neither of you knows what the other one is on with, and your girlfriend isn’t going to be invited to look at God knows what (unless you’ve put it there). Then, and only then, should you broach the subject of laptop-related apartheid.

Oh, and if your flatmate happens to be Gary Glitter, burn it. Now.

People of TT: Comment!