Manbits #15

*** If you're male, and you want a bit of advice on your sexy, sexy mither, drop us an e-mail at todger dot talk at googlemail dot com ***

Geordie writes: I'm in my late thirties and in a long-term relationship. It's a good relationship, except the sex is utterly crap and that's down to me. I sometimes get erections, but can't sustain them. Never have been able to. NEVER.

I've done all the usual man tricks for sorting this out. First, I ignored it. Then I finally went to my GP. Eventually got around to asking to be sent to see a specialist. I've been seen by urologists and endoctrinologists. Had my tackle examined intimately, testosterone measured, testicle size (yes, done by an attractive female endocrinologist) taken. They reckon that everything seems OK and to take Viagra or similar. The problem with Viagra is that it gives me headaches and a "buzzing" kind of flush that really turns me off.

I've been prescribed the other anti-impotence drugs too, but they're just the same. You can imagine the number of relationships this has killed, and at least one ex thinks that she must look awful naked because I didn't get (visibly) turned on.

The doctors have also recommended sexual therapy. Now, I'm willing to do this, but my girlfriend is dead set against it and certainly wouldn't go along. I really don't know whether it's in the mind or not. I'm at the stage now where I've been able to comfortably talk about it (with a female friend and even told my current about it as soon as we met). I even had one GP appointment with a trainee that was being videotaped for training purposes. I really don't think that talking about it has really helped though. Any suggestions as to what to do?

Dr Ayan says: You're not alone, mate. I see so many guys with similar problems.

We always want to rule out physical causes first, so that means: knocking booze and fags on the head, increasing your amount of aerobic exercise, making sure your blood pressure is normal, ensuring that you're not overweight or diabetic. I'm assuming you've done all this. If you haven't, you need to address this before anything else - even if it is only two pints a night or five fags a day - it really can make a massive difference to some people.

Then we look at the psychological side of things. Are you under huge stress? Did you have any difficult sexual experiences? Are there things from your youth that may be affecting your sexual performance or confidence? This is all a bit touchy-feely, but can only be explored through psychosexual counselling which is generally very useful. The therapist - sorry for the Americanism - will carefully listen to the words you use, listen to your story and delve deeper into any issues that may arise or be relevant.

Usually, these 'issues' are beyond your own conscious realm of understanding. A case I remember hearing about years ago was about a young athlete who just could not stay erect or ejaculate when he was with any of his many partners over the years. It turned out, after some therapy sessions, that he had a disabled brother who died when he was a child and that subconcsiously he was 'withholding' his sperm in case he created a sick child. Once he'd acknowledged this, his problem disappeared.

There's no way you can get to the bottom of this kind of thing in just one GP consultation, as the issues are so deeply buried in the back of the mind. If you go through the counselling and there's STILL no joy, then you can try other drugs or even try surgery as a last resort but give the counselling a go - it may change your life.

'Mr Sex' says: Well, I can't really add much to that, apart from addressing your partner. Seriously, and in the nicest way possible, what the fuck is up with her? Does she not want a seeing-to off you, then? While I totally understand the reticence of certain people to get counselling for relationship issues, I think she's being well unfair to you here. After all, you have gone to great pains to point out that it's your problem, it's a problem that has fucked over other relationships in the past, and you don't want it to fuck up this one.

It's pretty obvious that you are asking for her support and nothing else, and if she's not prepared to give it up - whether she goes with you or steps back and gives you the time to do what you need to do to get over - then unfortunately she's another obstacle in the way. Harsh, but true. And yes, this cuts both ways - plenty of men assume that a long-seated sexual problem that their partner is going through is something to do with them, and it'll be their sexual performance that'll be up for scrutiny, the sucky sods.

My advice? Listen to Dr.A.

Readers of TT: comment!

Dr Ayan: Nothing is perfect

Here's the thing...  No form of contraception is perfect.  Condoms can be a turn off, as we know.  The pill can increase blood pressure, give you migraines, and if you're really unlucky a DVT (clot in a deep leg vein), but in essence, it's pretty much down to luck and how your body handles the drug.  The IUCD (intra-uterine contraceptive device) or coil works brilliantly for some women but not for others.  Some hate the thought of it.  

The best way is to think about what might suit you and what you're willing to try out.  If you don't get on with one type, try another but there are no guarantees.  There is a special type of IUCD called the Mirena or IUD (intra-uterine device) that can have some medical benefits like shrinking fibroids or helping heavy periods, but this has to be balanced with side effects like low libido, mood disturbance, bloating and irregular periods.  You may get no problems at all, one or two, or every single one in the book - you just can't tell until you try.

Dr Ayan: A potentially deadly droop . . .

Hi folks, just a quick todgertalk health tip. . . I was at a media medics seminar last week on erectile dysfunction. The shocking thing is that it is treatable in over 90% of cases but men often find it hard to talk about it.

Causes include smoking, diabetes, high blood pressure, stress, psychological reasons but most importantly heart disease. A recent study has shown that 3-5 years after men develop erectile dysfunction, particulalry over 40, they are very liekly to suffer a heart attack. For this reason alone, please please please make sure you let your doctor know if you're having trouble down below, as it may be an early warning sign for heart disease. For some free information and a self-test, visit www.40over40.com

Some Manbits For The Ladies, #12 & #2

Wahey! No sooner did we put the call out for chaps willing to have their manly mither picked over by the TT team than the e-mails piled in. So we thought, Cor Blimey O'Reilly - where are we going to put Something For The Ladies? And then, one of our female readers popped up with the exact same question, meaning we can combine the two and have a day off. Hurrah!

Anonymale writes: OK, here goes. I am a man in his 50s who has recently got divorced after 20 years in a sexless marriage and taken up with a 35 year-old woman. She is quite insatiable in bed and we regularly screw for hours in all sorts of positions, and yet I find that no matter how much she turns me on, I can't come inside her. In a way this works to her advantage as I can keep it up for ages!

Luckily she is very understanding, but I have even felt obliged to fake an orgasm or two before now as she has hinted she feels a bit rejected (am I the only man to have done this, I wonder?). I saw a similar post a few months back with a woman asking why her bloke has to wank to come when he's with her, I would just like her to know it may well be a common problem, especially with blokes who have had to resort to "Mrs Palm and her 5 daughters" for any length of time.

Meanwhile, RLT writes: We hear a lot about premature ejaculation, but unfortunately I have to ask about the opposite. I have been with my new man for quite a while now, it’s going really well. He is really keen and everything is good. However, when we have sex he can't 'finish'. This has never been a problem before and to be honest, I'm a bit concerned and frustrated. He does orgasm every session, from other things, but with penetration, it just doesn't happen.

It feels good, he is clearly enjoying it, and we have tried different positions, different condoms, more foreplay etc, but its just not happening. He is often on the brink, but something is in the way. He says he just has a lot of stamina and finds it hard to relax. I know he is really stressed at the moment and has a lot of issues, but surely he should be relaxed enough to orgasm? Gah - you can understand my frustration and to be honest slight embarrassment. Its starting to introduce insecurity on my part. Any advice?

Dr Ayan says: The question here is whether you do come when you masturbate on your own – in other words, do you ever reach the feeling of orgasm, even if it is with via 'Mrs Palm and her daughters'? If the answer is ‘yes’, there is probably a deep psychosexual reason behind why you can't come inside her. By this I mean something buried in your subconscious mind which is holding you back.

Obviously, you won't be consciously aware of it. So don't try and think of reasons - but they could be anything from an irrational fear of getting her pregnant or something deeper from past experiences. It sounds crazy, but this is almost certainly the case. You clearly fancy her as you can 'screw for hours', so there's no conscious issue. It's a reasonably common problem and I think it's worth you asking your GP to refer you to a psychosexual counsellor. It's not that you are impotent or don't fancy her, so that is definitely the way to go in my mind. A good psychosexual counsellor can often draw out issues that you never knew were there, deal with them and allow to you get on with a complete sex life again. Here's a link for more help.

‘Mr Sex’ says: Well played, Dr A. Anonymale is right – we did address something similar to this a while back, but that was more a ‘won’t come’ than a ‘can’t come’.

Firstly, to our male reader; you’re a man in your 50s, and you’re finding it hard to ejaculate in penetrative sex. Guess what? I was in that position when I was 20 years younger than you. It’s a condition called ‘getting older’, and, by and large, is a good thing. Rather that than the two-pumps-and-a-squirt performance levels of what we laughingly call our ‘prime’, eh?

The problem both you and RLT have is that, like everyone else in the world, you have an idealised rumpo goal. Ridiculously simply put, you both want to give your partner an orgasm, and have one yourself. Absolutely nothing wrong with that (and I can hear our readers across the globe simultaneously going “DURRRRR”), but when we put downers on ourselves and each other when it doesn’t happen, we’re loading the dice against it happening the next time. And the time after that. And the time after that. And so on.

I’m not a gambling man, but I bet RLT has had a satisfactory penetrative sexual experience without climaxing herself at least once in her life, and I bet it didn’t bother her either. I also bet that she was happy enough with the intensity and intimacy of the moment. Obviously, no-one wants that all the time, but the point I’m trying to make is that when it comes to sexual problems, the more you worry about them, the more they start to hang around. Easier said than done, of course, but it’s a start.

As for faking orgasms, yes, it is possible for men; all you need is a condom, the palming skills of David Copperfield, and a clear run at the toilet door. But one day you will get caught, and it will be a train-wreck of colossal proportions, and you will run the risk of faking the next one on your own. Both you and your partner have to accept that not everything is running like clockwork and enjoy what you already have (without frustration or embarrassment), so it can get better over time.

Everybody: comment!

'Mr Sex': Dont mess about with your aerosol

You know, sometimes you know you're just doomed to spend the whole week writing about shoving things up arseholes. So let's get it over with.

Right then; you may already be aware of the news story about the Filipino hospital that has got into deep shit over filming the removal of an armpit spray from someone's bumhole and throwing it up on YouTube. If not, you are now. Don't bother looking for it, by the way - it's been removed from YouTube. You'll have to go here instead (warning: contains film of, er, an armpit spray being pulled out of someone's ringpiece, obviously).

After watching such a thing, it raises a barrage of questions; did there really have to be 30 people in there for such a procedure? Wasn't there some poor Filipino kid in the waiting room with a saucepan wedged over his head, wondering if he'd see daylight ever again? When taking a close-up photo on your mobile of a gaping arsehole, does one use Night Mode? Did that doctor really have to spray the damn thing so near his ringpiece as soon as he'd got it out? When the bloke in question - a transvestite - finally gets to sue the hospital for every penny its got, how massive are his new breast implants going to be? Was this viral marketing taken to its logical extreme? And why the fuck was I watching this while I was having my tea?

I can't answer any of those questions (apart from the last one - because it was either that or fucking Hollyoaks, which automatically makes me puke me ring), and I can't answer the most important question, either; why anyone would be stupid enough to shove random objects up their piping? I could spend all night trying to explaining why this isn't the done thing, but instead let's consult our resident expert, the always-helpful Dr Ayan. After the obligatory "Oh my God", he asked me to pass on the following;

Well, the anus is not designed primarily for sex. It does not have natural lubricant, it bleeds easily, and the rectal muscles tighten once something has been shoved through it - so if you are gonna do that kinda thing, the bigger the object , is the more risk of it getting stuck.

Above all else avoid things that are sharp as they can cause trauma, and of course aerosols or any other chemicals as these toxins can be released in the anus which can absorb them very quickly causing poisoning and somtimes death!

Are we all clear with that? Good.

Of course, it goes without saying that people are endlessly fascinated with what other people shove up themselves. In the early days of the Internet, this site here was probably one of the most famous in the world (my favourite is still the pepper pot with 'A Present from Margate' written on it). An ex of mine was a nurse; on our first date, the first question I asked was; "So, er, what have you, y'know...? (downward pulling motion)" Answers from her (and other A&E types I've met in pubs) include;

• A six month-old condom with mould on it
  
  
• A full salad cream bottle on someone's cock (it had formed a vacuum seal around his nob, keeping it erect and close to haemmoraging - she had to escort him into a quiet room, distract his attention and then smash it with a hammer)
  
  
• Assorted bullet vibrators ("It's terrible when they come as a couple - you just know they're going to have nothing but Missionary for the next five years")
  
  
• Ten plastic soldiers that had fused together in some poor woman's lady-bit (and I will always regret not asking if they were Allies or Nazis - no, it's important. Some of the Nazis lie on the floor with machine guns, while some of the Allies are running about with massive bayonets. It's a perfectly rational journalistic enquiry)

So, my advice to you - as if you're going to need it after watching that video - is if you're going to shove things inside yourself, especially up the arse, make sure its something that has been specifically designed for the purpose, and use enough lube to drown an elephant in. Butt plugs, anal beads and prostate stimulators have particularly wide endings to prevent them getting stuck; deodorants, vegetables and live shells do not.

Dr Ayan: Danger Down Under?

No, we're not talking about holidays to Oz, but oral sex of course. Yet again, it's been brought to my mind by a patient who asked me the question last week.

The risks are higher to a person performing fellatio on a man rather than cunnilingus on a woman, but don't be reassured by that, because the bottom line is you can theoretically catch everything from either act. Ok, I know, the doctor only talks about the doom and gloom side of sex. Well, I'm not here to preach. I think the point is to be aware of the risk, and remember, the quicker you act if you think you're at risk, the easier it'll be to treat. Remember - most STI's are treatable, so if you do have a lapse, get down to the GUM clinic sharpish.

Here's a useful link which leads to others about what you can and can't catch from oral sex.

Dr Ayan: Peeing razor blades

Why 'urine infection' symptoms should always be taken seriously in men....

It's one of those things that women get commonly but men should really never get - urine infections. Why? Well, if you think about the urethra which is the tube that leads from your bladder to the outside world, in men it is usually relatively long compared to a woman. This makes it hard for bacteria to travel up it into the male bladder, whereas in a woman, bugs from the back passage have only a small way to travel to get into the bladder. Of course activities like having unprotected anal sex will increase the chance of developing a urine infection.

So what do you do if you get burning on passing urine? What are the possible causes?

Rarely some men are born with abnormalities of the structure of their renal tract, but this is rare.

• If you are over 50, think about your prostate - it could be infected and enlarged...


• It could be a stricture (narrowing of the urethra) which can happen as a result of a sexually transmitted infection, sometimes many years down the line


• It could be a sign that you've caught a sexually transmitted infection


• You could have a bladder or kidney stone
  

So what should you do? Well, either go down to your local sexual health clinic or see your doctor, but do not ignore it. The bottom line is that urine infections in men almost always need checking out... they don't 'just happen' like they do in women.

You can also check any symptoms on NHS Direct, either online, on digital TV, or talking directly on the phone to a nurse 24 hours a day (0845 46 47). They can also give you the address and details of your closest sexual health clinic.

Dr Ayan: Jock Itch

Here's a quick medical signpost based on the fact that I've seen three guys in the last month with the same "Oh yeah, and while I'm here, Doc..." issue. They all find it hard to keep their hands out of their trousers because of an itch that won't go away, coupled with a mild red rash. It's something the Americans call 'jock itch' which always amuses me for some reason... All three had checked themselves for crabs...

Most commonly, the itching is because of a fungal infection affecting the skin of the groin, testicles and penis - a little bit like athlete's foot but in the groin. Any area of the body which sweats or is not well aerated can be a good breeding ground for fungal infection.The good news is that is not serious. My advice would be to wash the area as usual, dry thoroughly and avoid towel sharing. To get rid of it, use an antifungal cream from the chemist for a week - something like Canesten, Daktarin or Lamisil twice as day, generously over and just around the surrounding area. If it does not clear up see your GP...

Dr Ayan: About time...

Well, I can't really cap what Sam and Al have already said, as they do it so eloquently.

Suffice to say that it's about time that fellas had access to this stuff and I am very pleased to be associated with it, albeit in a 'back office' support role... only because this blog is not predominantly about medical issues.

Here, you can get down to the nitty gritty... that stuff that you can't always chat about with your mates or your family doctor who knew your mum when she was a nipper. Also, are they the necessarily right people to get advice from? Not always...

Is it meant to be that shape? Is Viagra safe to buy off the internet? How do I make things more exciting for her? Who or what are Candida and Chlamydia? And so on...

For my part, I am most useful as a very occasional signposter, but only for the medical stuff... and while you're here, please please please remember this rule of thumb when it comes to your health: if you're deciding on whether you need to see your doctor about something or not - whatever it is - the answer is YES, you should! Men are four times less likely to see a doctor than a woman.... so don't mess about. "If in doubt, get it checked out."

Meanwhile, I also write a medical blog which may be of use for general health tips - http://ayanpanja.blogspot.com/

Enjoy...

Ayan