Something for the Ladies # 22

Ladies: If there's ever been anything about men you've wanted to know but were afraid to ask, or wanted a male viewpoint on a certain relationship niggle you're going through, drop an email to us at todger dot talk at googlemail dot com. Every week, we shall pick one out and answer it to the best of our capabilities.

This week's question...

Anonymous writes: Basically, in short, this guy I'm seeing is a Sex God. Every time we meet up is amazing, we have so much fun together... and he makes me come at the drop of a hat. So really, I don't have anything to complain about.

Except for one thing; he smells a bit weird down there. It's not totally funky or a proper stench that I feel like I should stuff my nostrils with scented candles, but, the smell is strong enough to make me not want to touch, lick, kiss, or even look at it.

Which is annoying, 'cause firstly, I so would love to give him head, and do all kinds of other fun stuff with it; as much as I love receiving, giving would be just as yummy - and secondly, I make a huge effort making sure I'm clean and stuff when I see him.

He has a foreskin, but he's generally a clean guy and actually has a slight OCD with cleanliness. So, really, I guess what I'm asking is, how should I go about this? Do I tell him? If so, what's the best way to say it without totally killing him? Do I just try and drag him into the shower and try all my potions and lotions on him?

It's a really silly thing, I'm sure, but I'm actually quite a bit bothered by it all...

Sam says: This seems like a delicate matter, but to be honest you should just hit it head on.

As a kid, I used to be known as ‘Stinky’ because my mom never taught me to change my shirts each day (and also used to leave my shirts out in the rain so they smelt worse than if they haven’t been washed). I wandered around for years completely oblivious, because you just really tend to get used to your own pong.

One of the many good things she did teach me, however, was to wash my willy very thoroughly. If a bloke with a foreskin doesn’t wash his penis thoroughly and regularly he quickly gets a build-up of smegma (urrghh, even the word sounds horrible). And the definition is even better:

a thick, cheeselike, sebaceous secretion that collects beneath the foreskin

Going back to the ‘Stinky’ days; I will be eternally grateful to the friend who pulled me aside and told me about how much I ponged. It was direct, but it worked. I’m getting the feeling that your chap probably hasn’t been taught that he has to clean his little guy thoroughly every day.

You just need to bite the bullet and talk to him straight. Tell him his willy is smelly and that he needs to wash it thoroughly every day. Ask him about his current cleaning routine. You might even want to make a joke out of it and insist that he goes for a willy wash before you have sex. Or you could do willy inspections. The possibilities are endless.

The thing is, if he is the clean type of guy you’re saying he is, he will initially be really embarrassed, but then rigorously clean it every single day for the rest of his life. Small upfront pain, big long-term gain.

‘Mr Sex’ says: I’m feeling your pain, sister. As Stin- er, Sam – has pointed out, nob cheese is probably the prime offender here. I don’t know how experienced you or he is, but a properly washed tassle shouldn’t smell much of anything but the faint tang of manliness. (In fact, and I don’t want to alarm you here, if it whiffs of anything other than cheesey, a trip to the docs might be a bit necessary; he could have an infection, and not necessarily a sexual one)

As we’ve mentioned before, having a foreskin isn’t a bad thing or a particularly advantageous one, and the idea that foreskin = unhygienic is a load o’ bollocks. I have a foreskin, and you could eat your tea off my nob (as long as it was nouvelle cuisine, or sushi).

So, what you gonna do? You could be direct, and tell him you want to suck his cock, not eat it off a cracker – but seeing as he already sounds a bit paranoid about his personal appearance (which is normal: show me a man who makes an excuse to use your bathroom before a session, and I’ll show you someone trying to get their nob under the tap of your sink), it’ll probably be counter-productive.

If you’re both oral novices to each other, innocently (yet deviously) suggest that you’re dying to give him a nosh, but – seeing as you’re not that experienced – you want to get him in the shower first. Not only do you show him how to do it properly (and trust me, every time he washes his nob, he’ll be thinking of you), but you also get a hefty bit of American Werewolf In London-style foreplay in. After you’ve gone your mouthy thing, allude to him that if he keeps it clean, you’ll be up for more of that sort of palaver. Seeing as most men would happily roll across a racetrack full of speeding cars, broken glass and fire for a proper nosh off a saucy madam like you, he’ll get the message.

People of TT: Comment!

Sam: why BO is your best friend

As a result of several rather traumatic childhood experiences, I’ve always had a bit of a thing about BO. Specifically being really over sensitive about me having BO and other people being able to smell it.

Now in retrospect, I really should have realised that it was not me, but my mother. Her inability to grasp to important concepts 1) teach your child to change his shirt each day and 2) if you leave all the washing on the line for so long that it gets rained on that it will stink worse than if it hadn’t been washed at all. Now I realise even if she had taught me concept no 1, it was still invalidated by issue no 2.

Fortunately once I left home I learnt the importance of both changing your shirt everyday, and not leaving your clothes out to rot in the rain. So really I think my school-yard behind-the-back sniggering nickname of stinky was really pretty unfair. Oh the times that I sat, worried that I ponged, which then made me sweat more, which then made me worry more, which made me sweat more. Nasty cycle that one.

Anyway, enough digging up the past. I dealt with it, though perhaps became a little overly obessive about making sure my shirts were washed and I had saturated myself with enough deoderant.

Now you can imagine my joy when just recently I discovered why body odour is actually my best friend.

Did you know that one of the main ways that women pick who they are attracted to is through smell? Sure you’ve heard about the whole pheremone thing, but actually they can smell the makeup of a man’s immune system. Claus Wedekind, a Swiss Biologist got women sniffing men’s shirts and discovered they were attracted to men who were immunilogically dissimilar to them. Why is this important? Makes the kids immune systems tougher and has loads of other knock on effects like reducing the likelihood of miscarriage etc.

Actually, ‘Chemistry’, that indefinable thing about someone that just makes them decliciously attractive and irresistable is actually you sniffing out a mate with a compatible immune system. Apparently we have over 100 difference immune system sequences and women also found that the smell of the men they like was similar to their past boyfriends. This goes a long way to explaining why some men are irresistably shaggable to some women and repulsive to others.

Smell is important to men as well – they do the same thing, but also can sniff out a fertile woman. I know I’ve certainly noticed that some women, who I wouldn’t normally notice, are sometime just devilishly attractive and I can’t rationally quite put my finger on why. This actually has financial implications – smells can make you money. Strippers who are ovulating actually make twice as much as when they are on their period. Men can smell a fertile woman, and without realising are more attracted to her.

Lady readers, one important word of warning – being on the pill impairs your sense of smell. You end up getting attracted to men with the wrong sort of immune system, leading some to label it ‘the divorce pill’. Come off it and suddenly your stud will probably suddenly start to smell as attractive as a dead fish.

So while the telly is banging on about how covering yourself from head to toe with Lynx, and giving yourself a good washdown with Lynx shower gel will make you irresistably attractive, actually it’s bloody rubbish. Actually, it should read spray more, get less. You are covering up your biggest attraction asset, your smell.

So lads love your BO. It really is your best friend.