Danonymous Dan: Dribble tongue syndrome

I am not very often lost for words. I am pretty good at talking – so good I can even do it while walking at the same time. I was always excellent during interviews because I was able to bullshit convincingly enough to get a job – a skill I put down to having three older brothers and not wanting to look like the ‘spazzy younger brother’ when their friends came over.

What’s more, I actively enjoy conversation, whether it’s on the phone or in person I like interaction, meeting new people. As a very young cherubic-faced blond child I would stand on the roadside outside our house talking to people as they walked past (I did actually get offered sweets once which I like to think shows I was an attractive child). My mother would always realise and pull me inside trying once more to instil in me the mantra ‘thou shalt not talk to strangers!’ I – with faultless logic – once replied, ‘but if I talk to them, they won’t be strangers anymore.’ Ah, sweet.

So why is it that if I am faced with a girl I really fancy my finely honed conversational skill deserts me like French infantrymen? I shouldn’t make quips about the French – I bet they don’t get this problem, smooth bastards. It doesn’t happen so much now because I am older than I used to be (what an obvious thing to say) and also I am in a relationship and intrinsically know I have nothing to lose and am not after anything. When I met Michelle for the first time, I babbled absolute shit though. I’d like to think I did it with aplomb but really that’s a fiction and I ended up talking about the kids instrument ‘Gazoos’ when I meant ‘Kazoos’. I can only assume she found the bumbling Englishman thing cute. More Hugh Grant than Hugh Hefner, I mean shambolic buffoon rather than slick operator not that I’d rather sleep with a prostitute than a playboy bunny.

I should also qualify this by saying its doesn’t happen just because a girl is physically attractive, it only happens if I fancy them – they have that ‘thing’ about them that makes them really stand out. Doesn’t really happen now as I am with Michelle, but I am sure that if, hypothetically, my relationship with Michelle was to end, my ‘dribble tongue syndrome’ would return.

Not being a girl, I can’t say whether there is a female version of this although it would seem there probably is. A fair while ago, when I was about 19, a previous girlfriend I met said she’d experienced this when we’d first met. I was part of the media team filming a version of Jesus Christ Super Star and was relaxing with the cast during a rehearsal break. We were sat in a group and one of the girls introduced herself to me, we chatted briefly, and I then turned in an attempt to include her friend in the conversation. The exchange when like this:

Me “…and who are you?”

Her: “Oh er…I’m just a leper in the crowd.”

Me: “Yes...but do you have a name?”

Both of my parts in that exchange had come out much harder than I’d meant them to, because I was nervous, fancied this girl, and wanted to seem relaxed and confident – but my brain turned them into gruff and blunt. She had apparently fancied me for a few days by that stage, and panicked when the object of her affections actually spoke to her. In that instance, all worked out fine, but it makes me wonder how many potentially great relationships never get a chance to exist because one person panics or gets flustered and says or does something they wouldn’t normally say or do and creates a bad impression of themselves?

Sam: It must be worth fighting for

I was chatting to one of my female clients the other day about one of the old conundrums of the male psyche. That annoying thing where if it’s not hard work, then they seem to think it’s not really worth it. These sort of men love to hunt, they love the challenge and trying to grab something out of their reach. It’s the victory that is the sweetest moment for them.

For these sort of men if it’s easy then it’s not really worth it. This sort of approach drives me a little bit nuts. Personally I like things to flow easily. I like the signals to be there, know where I stand and for other person to be pretty clear about it. I’ve run across women who play the hunted beautifully, one minute they are on, the next minute off. Baiting you to chase, then freezing you out when you do. Personally this drives me a little bit nuts. But for some men it’s manna from heaven.

I guess you could say something about have genetically men are hunters. How they like the chase. How this adds to the thrill. But what happens when the thrill is gone? In my experience pretty soon they are off on another hunting expedition for some more prey, unless their girl continues to play hard to get even once they’ve got them. Seems all a bit of a miserable way to have a relationship to me.

To be totally honest I used to be one of those men where if it wasn’t hard work I wasn’t interested. I saw an ice queen and no effort was spared to conquer her. Sure the thrill of the kill was pretty good, but it was pretty joyless from then on. I’ve learned my lesson, easy flow is so much more fun. Any thoughts on this? Are you for the flow, or someone who thinks it’s only worth something if you have to fight for it?

Sam: Bombing on the basics

You know it always amazes me how many people bomb on the flirting basics. I was at a party on the weekend, packed to the brim with friendly Aussies, Kiwis and the odd noisy South African. Like any party, if you want to, it’s pretty easy to talk to anyone there – you have an immediate connection – the host. Wander over, start chatting and it’s the easiest question in the world ‘how do you know X (the host)’. Provides an immediate point of connection and conversation. Of course because you are all in the same boat, that person will always talk to you opening the path to whatever may happen next.

So as the night wore on and I continued to consume a few too many vodka cocktails I got chatting with this guy. Usually at parties I can’t help myself, and somehow the conversation came around to the girls he fancied at the party. And how he hadn’t talked to them, or rather particularly the one dressed as a rather attractive bunny (yes it was a fancy dress party).

Now unfortunately for him, I was too sozzled at this stage to make an effective wingman. I.e. wander over, chat to the person bunny girl was talking to. He gets to wander over with me, and the natural thing is for him or bunny girl to start chatting. Takes away all the fear of the approach. I got distracted by feeling a bit peckish and wandered off to the kitchen for a sausage roll. Cut scene to two hours later. Bunny girl is in the kitchen talking to another man, bunny fancying guy is out in another room chatting to someone else and still hasn’t talked to her. I am still way too hammered to do anything about it.

But good lord, it does truly amaze me how many people simply totally fail to talk to someone they find attractive. Even when there are copious quantities of inhibition reducing alcohol involved. Even when you are at a party where everyone is a friend of a friend, or at the very least a friend of the host and you must be ok, because well, you are a friend of the host! Even when you are a party where everyone is a friendly chatty antipodean and they will always talk to you. Even at an English party, they will always talk to you.

So if you are at a party, at least get off the starting block, please talk to that person you’ve got you’re eye on. Or if I’m there make sure you give me several pints of water and I promise I won’t wander off for a snack in the kitchen. We’ll I’ll try not to . . .

Sam: Cultural Confusion

It’s Christmas party season, and I’ve been out chatting as usual. My most recent interesting conversation was with a very attractive and very single Italian woman. She was totally confused as to why, after years in England she had failed to snag a boyfriend.

Since these things are endlessly fascinating I started asking her some questions. Were the only guys that actually approached her idiot womaniser types? ‘Yes! How did you know?’, She asked surprised. How did she feel about making it clear that man was interested in her ‘Well I couldn’t do that, I’d be acting like a slut!’. Things started to become clear this was a case of cultural confusion. The thing is that in Italy if you give out any signals at all (e.g. making eye contact or smiling) you are pretty much seen as being totally up for it. You can start to see why friendly American women get into so much trouble and feel totally sexually harassed in Italy.

The interesting thing is that while all cultures tend to use the same basic flirting signals, the whole flirting dance changes in every county you go to – in some places it is as different as the language.  Sometimes it is louder, sometimes more subtle. The problem for this Italian woman is that in Italy the rules are very different to the UK. In Italy a man is interested he will relentlessly pursue his woman only giving up after a long and heated chase. ‘Of course in Italy No means yes!’ She proclaimed. ‘It is like a film I saw set in Rome, there is a man, who has just seen a woman, he runs up to her, proclaiming his love. She slaps him, tells him to fuck off and to get away from her. The next scene he grabs her and they both kiss passionately!’. Try the same thing in the UK and they would probably be calling the police.

So this poor Italian woman had completely turned off all her public flirting signals (as is appropriate for Italy), which means British men presume she is unavailable and she only attracts the womanising rule breakers. It would be nice is someone could get around to publishing the International Languages of Love. Would lead to a lot less confusion for everyone.

Sam: That other woman

The other night I was at a charity party doling out love life advice to punters and as usual was keeping a keen eye on the antics going in the crowd. One thing that particularly caught my eye was how the most attractive woman in the room kept giving me looks in between dancing with the guy in the Lion suit. Got to keep up the old skills, teachers got to be able to do too, etc etc, I rationalised (translate as, lets go and have a chat with her and get a bit of an ego rub even though I’m taken).

Anyway, I wander over and we start chatting. Now this girl could have had any man in the room. Turns out the Lion, just like me was taken. In fact she has spent the entire night flirting with taken men. A quite attractive single guy was showing some serious interest in her as we chatted. When I asked her, she dismissed him, saying ‘no, he’s way to keen’. She then proceeded to complain about how the only men who ever approach here were they taken ones (that’s because you pick them, flirt like crazy and reel them in like fish honey – I had to bite my tongue on that one).

What is it about these women? Why do they un-erringly pick out men who are taken? I can understand it to some extent, men, and women in relationships are attractive. They are getting regular action, they are usually happy and confident, and most of all, not at all needy. Then there is the biological thing of saving time and searching for a mate by picking one that other’s already find attractive. But the problem is, if you are a plan B, 95% of the time, the man stays with the other woman. Lady readers, can you enlighten me more on this one? Lads, any thoughts?

Sam: Signals from Men

Last week I talked about flirting signals from women. But what about flirting signals from men?

Men are simple creatures. If they look at you once, then they are checking you out. If they look at you twice, then they fancy you. If they look at you more than this then they really fancy you.

This fits in perfectly with the idea of giving a green light. Because if you manage to catch their eye a second time you also know that they are giving you a green light back - in other words, if they catch your eye again they fancy you. And what about when you actually get talking to them?

According to the international body language expert Tracey Cox, the following are sure signs things are going well:

He’ll become an attention seeker – when a guy fancies you he will try and attract your attention. This might mean he suddenly seems to become louder and more boisterous or makes exaggerated movements and gestures. He might also stand slightly apart from his friends.

He’ll play with his hair – if a guy fancies you he will involuntarily ‘preen’ trying to make himself look good for you.

He’ll show off his body – when a guy fancies you he will stand taller and perhaps slightly puff out his chest.

He’ll show off the crown jewels – men don’t realise this, but when they are around women they fancy, they unconsciously spread their legs, showing you what’s on offer.

He’ll start undressing – when we fancy someone we unconsciously start undressing. If he starts undoing buttons, or taking off his jacket, then he is starting something he would probably like to finish in your bedroom

His hands will go on his hips – unconsciously he is making himself look bigger which suggests confidence. Also, we point towards what we want people to see, so you might notice his fingers pointing towards his groin.

He’ll start touching himself – when we are attracted to someone, our skin, particularly our mouth, becomes more sensitive to being touched. You might notice him touching his chin, lips or cheek more or drinking or smoking faster.

He’ll lend you something – this is a protective and sexy ownership gesture – he is offering something that is his to you. Plus, it means he has to hang around to get it back before the end of the night.

Sam: Signal Failure

One of the most common flirting ailments is signal failure.

What is interesting about signal failure is that different cultures seems to have different version of the ailment. For instance, the British seem to find it particularly difficult to show interest in someone that they fancy. The Americans, on the other hand, tend to seem to be showing interest in everyone. Australians come across as just being friendly.

So what is all this signal stuff? The easiest way to understand it is that we are all walking around with a big traffic light over our head. For each person we see, the traffic light either shows

• Red – not interested
• Orange – maybe, get ready for action
• Green – I fancy you, come over and have a chat

The signals are given off through your body language – or, more specifically, through eye contact.

What is interesting is that eye contact is a subject that is mentioned by many flirt experts, but it is something that is mentioned in passing. Glibly they mention that if someone is interested, they will give you three seconds eye contact. Then they will look back a second time.

From my practical experience down in the trenches of the flirting war zone, eye contact is one of the biggest mine fields. The amount of eye contact that people give varies enormously, based on the city that you live in and the country where you are from. This then gives rise to an enormous amount of confusion. Women think they are giving a green light, and men are just not sure.

This whole issue really hit home to me running workshops on giving eye contact. I realised that this was crucial, because reading the material it said that three seconds of eye contact was a green light, but in the reality of London I found it was enormously difficult.

So at a singles night I gathered together 20 men and women. They were placed on either side of the room, and each were allocated a person to give their green light to. Just telling people how long is not enough – when I told the women 3 seconds, it looked to the men like it was 3 microseconds. What was amazing was that to the women it felt like it was ten minutes.

“Oh my god that felt weird”, “I must look like a crazy person”, “Now he knows I’m begging for it”, “That felt like ages and ages”. The comments from the women went on, just like this.

To this, the men responded: “That was really quick”, “I missed that”, “Was that a green light?”

What is really crucial is to get the timing exactly right.

We changed tack, and I got the women in the group to look across at the men and say in their head “You . . . are really fit”. Now, I have to admit that this is a particularly British saying. For Australians, to be fit just means you jog a lot and go to the gym. But of course, here it means attractive, gorgeous, hot etc, etc. My first attempts at “You are really hot” failed miserably as the women descended into fits of giggles.

Anyway, once the women started doing this and saying this so if felt like they were talking slowly in their heads – looking at the guy they fancied, catching his eye directly, saying (inside their head) “you are really gorgeous”, then looking away, suddenly everything changed.

“That is definitely a green light!”, “Oh Yeah” etc etc came from the men. So the issue is that timing is crucial. It can’t be too short, because men won’t realise that you are giving them a green light.

On the other hand, it can’t be too long. Historically eye contact is an extremely powerful body language signal. Researchers have found that people who are in love spend more than 70% of the time staring in each other’s eyes making direct eye contact. On the other side, between men, extended eye contact is a signal of aggression. Monkeys are the same, prolonged eye contact between males leads either to a) one male looking away and submitting or b) combat.

In a big city like London, essentially the most common people who make prolonged eye contact with you either want your money, or they want to sell something to you. Obviously when you are flirting you don’t want to come across as a money grabbing salesman.

For this reason, women often feel uncomfortable giving prolonged eye contact. However, what feels to them like a really long time, actually looks on the outside like a short time. In workshops, when women practice on each other rather than other men, the same pattern emerges. The woman giving the eye contact says “Oh that was ages”, and the woman receiving the eye contact says “That was really quick!”.

After much trying and testing, having women looking at men and saying “You are really fit” has proved to be the perfect balance between, long enough – so the men would see the green signal, and short enough so the woman didn’t look like a desperate money grabber.

To sum up:

• One of the most common flirting ailments is signal failure
• We give off flirting signals through our body language
• The amount of eye contact that women give various enormously
• To give a green signal, hold his eye contact and say ‘you are really fit!’ in your head. Then repeat.
• Eye contact shouldn’t be any longer than this or it could be perceived as intimidating or desperate
  
  

Sam: Gender Confusion Disorder

Recently there have been huge changes in the dating and flirting scene. For people who come out of a long term relationship, they have said to me that it is a little like stepping out of a time machine into a completely new world. Internet dating is now huge, speed-dating is commonplace, there is a whole new ‘Sex in the City’ generation of women who have grown up with powerful and different dating role models.

What you might have found, and certainly what many of my clients find, is that because of this, there is a lot of confusion about gender roles and what the new rules are. Who asks for the phone number? Who suggests the next date? Who makes the first move? Men don’t know if they should make the first move, women aren’t sure if they should be more assertive. I call this gender confusion disorder.

What you need to know is that though we are living in the 21st Century, effectively the rules for flirting have very much stayed in the 20th Century.

The question that many people ask is who does what? What are the new rules? Well a useful way to think about it is imagining that flirting is like a puppet show. The woman take the roles of the puppeteer and the man the role of the puppet. If you are watching them, it seems like the man is taking all the action. But in reality, it is the woman who is guiding and controlling what the man is doing – he is simply responding to her decisions. It is exactly the same with flirting and many people seem to forget this.

If you are the woman, you need to guide the direction you want the flirting to go. If you are a man, you need to respond to the woman’s guidance by taking action.

Key points for you if you are a woman:

* We live in the 21st Century, but generally gender roles are still basically the same as the 20th Century.
* If in doubt take the traditional flirting role
* Make it clear that you are interested
* Let the man take action
* Realise that men may be intimated by a very direct approach
* Play the puppeteer, not the puppet.


Key points if you are a man:

* You are the puppet on stage – you need to respond to the puppeteers orders!
* It is up to you to take action – either look for a flirting green light (see future posts) or on dating websites make sure you fit the criteria and then take action
* If in doubt, take the traditional male role


Essentially the gender rules for flirting are quite simple. The woman picks the men she is interested in and makes it clear that she is available. She guides the action – from first giving eye contact, to hinting that she would like to go out for a drink sometime. It is the man’s job to take action, watch out for the signals and act by starting a conversation with a women who gives you a flirting green light, asking for her phone number when she hints it might be fun to catch up for a drink, giving her a call and arranging the next date. If in doubt, stick to tradition.

I must end on a caveat. Flirting and dating rules are changing, but very slowly. It is OK for a woman to make the first move – what you have to realise is that if you break the traditional flirting rules, then there is the danger that things won’t go to plan. If you are very confident in approaching men, getting their phone numbers etc., good for you – but you need to stick to the task with gusto. If you are going to take that role, then stick to it! Don’t expect the man to suddenly start chasing you!

Dave: Flirting

Perhaps it’s nostalgic misrepresentation, but flirting seemed so much easier in our youth. You could read the signals far more competently. You and your mates would be loitering in one of the local parks, drinking Merrydown Cider and giving each other spinning blow-backs off a single joint. You’d plonk yourself down on a vacant bench and she’d come and sit on your lap. And you could tender your intentions with equal clarity by ripping the piss out of her then stuffing clumps of mud down her top. Ah, great days.

We just went with what we felt. The potential consequences didn’t appear to bother us so much. Or at least we lacked the experiences life throws at us over the years, to corrupt our hopes and courage.

Now however, we are perpetually surrounded by the medium of fantasy. Engulfed by literary characters and heroes of the silver screen. To the point where it has created expectations, as we lose our grip on reality. Confused between desirable and down right fictional.

Flirting – isn’t it supposed to be subtle? The more discreet, the sexier? Potent glances across the bar. A shy smile. A flick of the hair. All highly impractical in a world (or at least society) whereby we struggle even to read the signals from our own gender. What? Are you feeling unhappy, angry, confused, horny, flatulent?

Flirting is the sexiest part of the ritual. When it works. Solely because of the uncertainty, the mystery and above all the fantasy. It’s entirely an act. Albeit a pretty sexy one. Nobody wants honesty. We want to be dazzled, seduced by the sexy siren or the international man of mystery. Performances. Certainly we want to belief a truth of being desired but as long as it is charismatically swathed in bubble-wrap.

That wonderful scene in Tootsie when Julie (played by Jessica Lange), frustrated with men and their flirting techniques, vents to Dustin Hoffman’s Dorothy how she wishes a man would just be up front and come up and tell her “I find you very interesting and I’d really like to make love to you” So Michael, as himself, tries the very same line on her at a party and receives a glass of champagne in the face. Predictable? Of course. But that’s the point.

Honesty no longer has a place in flirting. In fact, it’s the most likely quality to kill any sexual yearning on her part. If however you have a particular fetish for pitying expressions and sibling-style hugs, then let the truth out in all its unadulterated glory.

Bring back the days when sexual blossoming negated any personal expectations. Before women became truly aware of their sexual clout and the insecurities that come with that. Bring back the shyness, the giggles, the headlocks, and the exuberant groping. And rid the world of expensive dinners, cheesy grins, prosaic yarns, and unambiguous social roles. Strip down the responsibilities of financier and mannequin. And restore the joy of flirting.