Sam: Bedroom Shocks part 2

The other night I was out watching New Zealand comedian in Hammersmith. He was telling various tales about his life in London – and one of them was about talking dirty. Apparently a lovely English lass had a requested a bit of dirty talk in the bedroom. ‘Whoa, I’m not really into that’ he thought, but ended up delivering some great subliminal messaging -  ‘Yeah, you love that don’t ya, (whispered) we need sky plus’. Fast forward a couple of weeks later and I was chatting to another expat Aussie again about the things that had shocked him in the bedroom. Now what struck me again was how sexually conservative antipodean men are compared to British women. Most Aussies are just happy to get their end away and thrilled if they get a blow job. Anything more than that, well, it’s a bit kinky.

It led me to reflect on things that have shocked me in the bedroom in my single bachelor days when I first came to the UK.

1)     She wanted to talk dirty – yes I am ashamed to admit I had the same reaction as my downunder compatriots

2)     She pulled me that night in a bar, wanted anal (well OK, a bit different but I was in a new country, so should try new things) and then to be peed on (Whoa Nelly!)

3)     Another girl from a night club went straight for asphyxiation, starting with a bit of strangulation, then just to make things a bit different some smothering with a pillow

4)     Perhaps most strangely unsettling of all, the girl I met from a pub who wanted to be ‘fucked really god damn hard’ doggy style. And by lord did she mean hard. All those years of being told to treat women nicely and with respect made this one particularly challenging.

All of these things, I have to say dear readers did really shock me at the time. Though in the grand spirit of international relations and the adventure of travel, I gave them a go as requested. After all of this I read the chapter in Kate’s Fox’s brilliant book Watching the English about how in the English bedroom there are no rules and essentially anything goes. Which made me feel much better that I just hadn’t clearly been hanging out in really kinky clubs and bars (that was the surprising thing, the places I met these girls were in no way kinky, they were usually a bit posh, or homey type pubs). And it has to be said, after getting over the shock, it was all actually rather fun.

I’m intrigued, are you as squeamish as us antipodeans? What has shocked you in the bedroom?