'Mr Sex' Despairs at the Youth of Today

If there are any youngsters reading this blog (and seeing as there are no pictures of fannies, God knows why there would be), I'd like them to pull their trousers up from around the bottom of their arses, brush their twatty Emo fringes out of their eyes, and listen to Uncle Sex. Because standards are dropping considerably.

Let's start with graffiti. Once upon a time, upon the bus shelters and subways of my homeland, erotic creativity bloomed. My generation made statements about the world and where it was heading by drawing big cocks with all spunk coming out of them, disembodied tits (usually annotated with an arrow pointing to them, that helpfully said 'TITS'), ridiculously hairy fannies, and arses with turds dangling out of them.

These masterpieces had a threefold purpose; they linked directly to the very dawn of Humankind with their earthy sensuality. They captured the local zeitgeist ('TABBY FINGERED KAZ ERE, 7/8/82'), and they made statements about where the world was heading (generally, they predicted that we were going to be overrun by massive cocks).

Here's just an example; there was an outstanding poem that was on the wall of the subway between my school and the shopping precinct for years that was set to the tune of the Cadbury's Fudge advert that went like this;

A finger of Fudge is just enough
To give yourself a frill
A finger of fudge is just enough
So stick it up your grill*

And underneath, the footnote;

*Grill = Fanny

Fast forward a couple of decades, and the once-timeless motif known as the Big Cock With All Spunk Coming Out Of It appears to have fallen by the wayside, replaced my mouth-breathing GangstaTwats writing their fucking stupid made-up name that no-one can even read, over and over and over again. And I wondered why it had disappeared. I thought it must have been because today's youth probably have a more mature, responsible attitude to genitals, or they're far more blase about sex than we were.

But then I read this news story, and realised the truth: it's because they're fucking shit. Look;


Seriously...what the fuck is that supposed to be? A bomb? A torpedo? Because I can tell you what it's isn't: a COCK. What's going on with the bollocks/shaft scaling? Where are the hairs on the bollocks (minimum three per testicle, maximum five)? Is that supposed to be a piss-hole? And where's the spunk? WHERE IS THE SPUNK?

(and yeah, on first reflection you'd say that you'd have to admire his cheek, but when you find out that it's his own house, and therefore he had all the time in the world to get it right, it's not at all impressive)

His dad is now saying that he's going to be made to clean it off when he gets back from traveling, which means we now know where the son gets his fuckwittedness from. If he was any lad of mine, the following would happen;

1. He'd get my hand across his face.

2. He'd be made to clean it off.

3. Then he'd be made to do it again, but properly.

4. He'd be made to take a letter to school that read; 'Dear Headmaster, my son is a mouth-breathing bell-end, and I blame your school for it. I demand that you keep him back at school to look at pictures of big cocks for the next term, and announce this in assembly'.

You might think I'm overreacting on this, but you know I'm right. Yes, I believe that children are the future, but I also believe that if a person can't draw their own genitals properly, that person has absolutely no right to possess any.

Sam: Classy Love

Now we’ve had a bit of a rant about class and sex before, but what about class and love?

It turns out that despite all the talk about class mobility and ever increasing opportunities men and women are marrying much more within their social class than ever before. With huge amount of cheap high quality clothing and a more informal style to dressing you’d think that it would be harder to pick people’s class. Certainly your top hat and tails would have made it very clear in the past. But according to Dalton Conley, a sociologist at NYU we are just as deft as ever at passing style judgements that precisely pick a potential mate's class. Ed Byrne was having a good old rant about class the other day and summed up how sensitive we are to class perfectly: ‘How come a jumper over your shoulders shouts Sloan, while the same jumper around the waist means Chav?’. 

Apparently we are attracted to partners with the same class as us because they will have the same interests, share our opinions and validate our own choices. We all knew Pretty Women is a load of schmatlz, just deep down I certainly would like to think love wasn’t really at all about someone’s social status and background.

Turning the mirror back on my self, my fiancée is pretty much the same class as me – and uncomfortably, when I look back at my past relationships they are all embarrassingly of a similar class. Any posh totty or down in the mines working class on the way was something that passed by pretty quickly. I hate it when sociologists are uncomfortably correct.

So how does class fit into your love life?

Sam: What makes a good wife?

What makes a good wife? Well according to a marital rating scale from the 1930’s keeping the fridge well stocked, keeping her chilly toes away from you in bed and having a pleasant disposition in the morning will win her points, while wearing red nail polish is a definate no no.

Last Friday I did a piece on this very subject on Channel 5 news – which you can find here if you fancy a bit of a laugh.

Clearly things have changed massively since the 1930’s, but it does bring up an interesting question. What do modern men want in their women? What are the essential features that make a good long term partner?

Personally I think the tables have turned somewhat and women now have much more demanding marital scales – or certainly a long list of tick boxes that they want completed in their long term partners. Driven, sporty, successful, etc etc.

I find that when many of my clients come and see me they tend to have long lists, but they often seem to miss out the essentials. What about love? What about sexual chemistry? What about being able to talk? It often strikes me that the simple and most important things tend to get left behind.

So what are you guys looking for in a long term partner? And ladies what makes a good husband?