'Mr Sex': Oh God, it's HIM again

Whilst performing his quarterly task of going through all the shit in the cellar, 'Mr Sex' came across another letter that was sent to a porn mag, that he rescued from the bin. And - would you believe it? - it was from the reigning champion of the TT Porn Letter section; the Groundskeeper Willie soundalike who enchanted us all a while back with this missive, and this beautifully constructed bit of prose.

I must warn you, however, that the following letter takes his oeuvre into an entirely new Solar System of wrongness. Seriously. You may not want to read this while you're getting through the contents of your lunchbox, lest your monitor be blanketed with gobs of semi-masticated sandwich. You have been warned.

MY DARLING MONIKA

I wish I could plant a thousand KISSERS XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX upon your gorgeous sexy BUM. I think about you always and. I guess I just canie resist yor sweet beautiful FIGER oor your charm too. MONIKA you ARE THE Moast Beautiful sweethearts I KEN/KNOW oor Indeed I have ever seen. Yer just a GORGEOUS Beautiful sexy GIRL and Boy. you sure do excite Me to the point I nearly pee mysel. It almoast happens nearly every time I see you in MAYFAIR. AW MONIKA yer've got a BEAUTIFUL FACE. and you deffinatly need NO MAKE UP as YOUR GORGEOUS jist the way you are. you've got the MOAST Beautiful eyes and GORGEOUS Beautiful sweet lips. aw MONIKA I'm wishing I was the cludgie/Toilet seat that you sit your BUM on. then at least I could see yer sweet cuteand VERY sexy BOT. aw MONIKA your just so fuckin Beautiful and OOO what a GORGEOUS PAIR. I also wish I wis YER PANTIES so I could be close up to your ever so juicy pussy. aw MONIKA. yer would have smiled this morning. aw us well hung laddies had Big Big HARD ON'S as we were all in love with you. but Me I just want to BATH and Wash and Soap that sexy BOT of yours DARLIN just so much. I carn't stop mysel DREAMING of you and then sometimes when I ken I'm going to CUM I manage somehow to always shoot it over my sister's BUM.

MONIKA your no stuck up like the other COWS in MAYFAIR. I widnie even suck their TITS dry o MILK. Nope MONIKA yer just so genuiene Sweet Sexy GIRL and I'm just So in loth whith you. there's Somethin about youer BOTTY that I just carn't resist. Must be your nice PERT BUM cheecks. I have always wanted to tell you MONIKA just how much you Mean to Me. I guess yer no that now. I Just wish they'd Make a FUCKIN POTTY nice and Confy to sit yer BOT upon, then. I'd be SAT all day Wanking over you. My SPUNK flying everywhere eh. Your just a Very Special GIRL MONIKA to Me. before I set eyes upon you I didn't even KEN/KNOW What A Wet Dream Was like. Oor to be able just to MASTERBATE too.

Other lassies are FUCK ALL MONIKA compared to you. I used to Smell My Sisters KNICKERS Quiet a helluva lot and then I would get a funny feeling and SHOOT my CUM in them. I have never Really Appreciated a GIRL before not untill MONIKA I saw you. Now I no I'm lookin at a Real STUNNING GORGEOUS Beautiful Sexy GIRL. I have nere telt any WAN this afore MONIKA but when I had my first Girlie I just couldnie Wait tae get her Knickers off. I took her in tae the Cludgie/Toilet and I pulled her Knickers down and I saw a string. Course I pulled it there wis blood alover her pussy so I made love to her. aw MONIKA it was great after she peed over my cock. I use to finger her PUSSY tae make her JUICERS Flow. Then I licked my fingers. they tasted BRAW/GREAT. Noo MONIKA. I've fallen FUR YE/YOU. Sweetheart tae me MONIKA yer beautiful MONIKA. I feel so much Love for you DARLIN MONIKA. I just love and adore you. And I think YOUR SO PRETTY. aw DARLIN now, I must snuggle down in my Bed and HUV More Sticky Dreams MONIKA OVER YOU.

MONIKA TAK CARE DARLIN
ALL MY LOVE HUGS EN KISSERS
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

LOVE YA SEXY BUM

'Mr Sex': Return of the Porn Letters, AND the Groundskeeper Willie soundalike

Oh yes.You asked for it, I shoved my arm round the back of the sofa, and here it is. Remember this charming letter from a few months back? He's back. So, plump up the cushions, turn the phones off, and prepare to read the following;

Please ADELE Show me your Lovely Gorgeous BUM please Dearest ADELE, How I Wished that I was that Toilet Seat on which you sat your GORGEOUS SEXY BOTTY on. as I've always admired your gorgeous Beautiful Super Sexy BUM. to me no Girlies Bare BOTTY excites me more than yours and Adele I Love to Masterbate. Whilst I'm looking at your BOTTY bare and so sexy. I'm a BUM fancier but AW ADELE how lucky must your panties be stuck up the CRACK of your Adorable Beautiful Gorgeous BOTTOM I Love your lushious BUM Adele but it's a pity you didn't Flash your BOTTY off for me Sweetheart a bit Mair/More you may only be a beautiful Sexy model ADELE but truth is I really enjoy many WANKS over your rather gorgeous BOTTY and When ever I play Wi ma 9" Penis ADELE I always look at Mayfair Sweetheart just because your Sweet Sexy BUM excites me. I'm in Heavon Adele when I Wank over your BOTTOM. it's ever so Gorgeous and a Cutie Sext BOTT. Aw Adele. I'm growing ever so fond of you and your rather Scorching Sexy Sexy BOTT. I hope you liked the photie I Sent you Sweetheart as its no every GIRL that gets tae see ma MASSIVE HUGE PENIS

(Photo attached of nasty, not-9"-at-all willy held up against even nastier duvet cover)

but Darling your Gorgeous BOTTY just turns me on. Adele. and I Just carn't help mysel from pulling doon my KNICKS and Wanking over that ever so Gorgeous BUM of yours Sometime I no I'm gonie CUM in my pants When e're I see your Bare Bottom. How I find your Gorgeous BUM excites me So. your Gorgeous BUM Adele brings m so much Joy. but I've always Wanted to shag you yer BUM Adele and WOW What a very lickable pussy too. I keep thinking Adele abooy how many times Ye take your PANTIES doon and why Girlies nearly always SQOT to pee. Your so Sweet ADELE and Beautiful too. and I hope your BUMS in Mayfair for manys a year tae make me shoot lot o my CUM ower. I think yo aught tea come live whith Me Darling. So I Could Finger and Massarge your Gorgeous BOTTY cheecks and Finger Yer ANUS too. aw DARLING I whish I had your BOTTY in my Double Bed. When Oh't When Adele. Will you please Send me your KNICKERS please Adele. at the Moment tho I'm in Hospital but I'm haeing Such Wet Dreams Adele caused by you. I Wish. I could still see your incredibly Sexy Gorgeous BOTTY. Adlele. Just Afoew I go. hoe many times do you MASTERBATE Adele in a day? must go as nature calls. So Just ye take care o yersel Adele SWALK

'Mr Sex': His Formulations are Randy and Unintelligable

Time to grab them industrial-sized tweezers and pull out another prize exhibit from my collection of Porn letters. And ooh! This one comes all the way from Hamburg...

Dear Mitchelle!

I suspect your sack of mail is simply flowing over with horny, smutty letters from hungry dicks who are just nuts about your lovely and upperly succulent frame. But I sincerely hope you read this and not some hungry dick or pussy behind a desk. I am simply so horny my 8 inch long rod is pumping like a Fanta-automat in July. To put it bluntly, babe, not only your sack is flowing over. After seeing you in action on those dirty pics, I wanna fuck your ass. My dear Lady. Bad.

Let me tell you, I am two things. 1) I very romantic: I love women. They live longer and can wrap men round their little fingers. I love dating them, giving them roses and champagne with classical music, massages and oral sex. 2) A Tiger in Bed: when I fuck, I fuck 300%. Passion and Fire. Cock Large and Pumping. But also gentilily and long foreplay.

Why am I telling you this? Because you arouse all this in me. And turn me into a romantic tiger willing to shag your three holes blue. And I am three other things: a blonds-freak, a breast-freak, and a bun-freak. Never has one woman perfectly satisfied all three lusts. I and my long dick can can only with all reverence say: Adieu, Heart, Hello, Hard-On…

My formulations may be randy and unintelligible but I assure you, Mitchelle, you will be in my wet dreams tonight, may I be in yours? I want to make love to you until we both turn into little balls of dynamite. If you can find time to send me a greeting I will definitely wank over it for all eternity and treasure it dearly. I am sending you a self-addressed envelope, so long, beautiful woman…

Sadly, the letter never reached Mitchelle, and ended up in my bag to be read on the Tube instead. If you're reading this, Mitchelle, I truly regret not passing this on and denying you the opportunity to have all three of your holes shagged blue 300% by a tiger-shaped vending machine. Please don't hate me.

'Mr Sex': Return of the porn letters

It's about time we had a rummage through me chatty Jiffy Bag of Grot, isn't it readers? And Cor Blimey O' Reilly, I've pulled out a belter. This bloke here used to write three - three! - letters a day to one of our models, all in the same tortured prose that brings to mind Groundskeeper Willie after a three-hour paint thinners-sniffing binge. I'm absolutely kicking myself that I didn't post this one before Valentines Day, as we can all learn from this man how to write affectionate, intelligent, subtle love letters that stylishly allude to potential sexual frisson, if the lady plays her cards right.

Without any further ado, I'd like you to read, digest, learn, and then force back a little bit of vomit in your throat;

Dearest Adele,

How good you must smell first thing on a HOT summers morn. But OOO My Gorgeous Adele. How I Just yern to lick & smell your Gorgeous Gorgeous sexy Botty. I want you to know my sweet. Yours is the MOAST Cutest Botty. That’s ever turned meez on I just canie get those Sexy Bum photies OOT o my mind. In your recent photo shoot for Mayfair. Aw Adele. Your Magnificent Rosey BUM CHEECKS are so Beautiful and I Love Seeing you my Sweet in Black Stockings and A BLACK BRA & PANTIES too. When I woke Feelin RANDY & HORNY. As Hell. Cause of you. I New I had to wank whith your sexy photies to look at your BUM. And end up Spunking IN MY PANTS. Aw Adele how Sweet your BUM must smell. And yer JUICY JUICY pussy. Even if you don’t write please, keep showing me yer sexy gorgeous botty. As even my ex GIRLfriend Never gave me such Great ORGASMS When I’m Wanking over you Adele. But Sweetheart I’d just love to smell YER PANTIES. Adlele Och Adele yer ma favourite GAL and I’d Love to Drink yer pee suppose I’m a wee bit kinky. But I want to ask ye oot Sweetheart my treat fur a Sexy Romantic candle lit meal. Cause Adele ye make me feel & explore myself when I Stroke my BALLS and and PRICK. You really make my COCK Grow 9½ Long each time I see your Golden BUM. I want you to finge your Sweet pussy Just after you’ve peed and dunie wipe it. And think of my 9½ inch penis between your Gorgeous Thighs. It’s cause Adele I think yer so sweet and I find you so ATTRACTIVE but I like to Wank Lots ower you Adele. I carn’t get yor gorgeous sexy BOTTY oot o ma mind AND I’m so desperate to get a pair of your PANTIES Adele please promise some for me please. Now Adele I must awha Noo. But afore I dae/do I’ve a secret to tell ye. When I find time tae tell ye. But I wish you wid come sit yer BOTT upon my face. So’s ah could TOUNGE & lick it and please do me a big favour Adele. Sit that Gorgeous BOTT upon this letter and take doon yer PANTIES first. I dunie ken another GIRL who’m I Want to Sleep Whith Darling Adele only you. You make me Loose Controll and then I wee in my PANTS as I’m thinking of my 9½ up yer BUM. And how I’d love to lick & slurp yer Juicy pussy Adele. Please let yer pubis grow Adele. Aroon yer pussy. Yer bum looks so clean. And so beautiful too. So please Adele be so kind and send me a pair of YOUR PANTIES. And by the way when are you free fur A HOT SEXY Romantic DATE.

ADELE I XX YOU ALL OVER LOVE FRAE YER HORNY LOVER BOY CAN YOU PLEASE LET ME NO

ADELE I FANCY THE PANTS OF YOU
Sweetheart
AND I LOVE YOU LOADS

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

LOVE FROM HORNY RIKKI

When are you Free Adele
For a Date Whith Me
A Night Whith my 9½ penis
Adele think aboot it then
Write and let me know

By the WAY Adele When are you next appearing in Mayfair Darling
Make it ASP please
So’s I CAN see your Gorgeous Beautiful
BUM

I dunno about you, but I think he's a bit of a bum man.

'Mr Sex': Another lovely Porn letter

Time once again to don the washing-up glove and delve into my jiffy bag of letters sent to wank mags - and, as I'm sure you'll agree, this one is a of a particularly piquant vintage.

One of the most popular types of porn mag letter - ranking way up there with 'Look at this photo of my cock, isn't it nice?' and 'I've never seen such a shower of baggy-fannied dogs in all my life, give me my money back now' - is the letter begging us to send out free grot. Every week, we would get letters from soldiers in Kosovo, poverty-stricken students, and assorted cheeky fuckers wanting us to mail out bundles of wank mags, as if I was Jimmy fucking Saville or summat. And every week, they would be lobbed in a binwardly direction.

This one, however, was different. Maybe it was the location. Maybe it was the floridly heartfelt prose. But whatever it was, it found a special place in my heart. And maybe it'll find a place in yours , too...

Dear Sir/Madam,

I am much grateful to have this day pleasurable in writing to you this letter. I am a man of thirty eight year of old and a married man with two kids. Please the real purpose of writing to you this letter is that, We the Ghanaians, are so much ignorant of how to conduct sex.

I mean, Ghanaians don’t know exactly how to play the foreplay or how to play romance before playing the sex. And also we don’t know exactly the skills and styles of sex. And in fact as I said earlier on my wife is ignorant of all these things, though I normally take her to sexy films, She was convinced that these films are alarms and that they are toys that are Computerised.

In fact, whenever I tried to make love to her and then demand styles, she becomes annoyed and sometimes refuses to offer. Because of that, how to make love becomes a problem. But you can agreed with me that, it is love making or sex that can hold our married life.

Please in the absence of these, our married life is becoming ruined. And I am much disturbed. I was seriously looking for a hot sexy magazine to show or give to her which will enable her know, that the styles of sex is real and playing sex in adorable styles is not an alarm.

Fortunately I came across your address and I am please pleading with you to send me at least one of your sexy magazine to boost our married life and our love live. Please for God’s sake, consider the breaking of our marriage and send me your magazine. Please consider it so that, we can boost our married life and satisfy our wondering libido in a grand style.

As I read this letter for the first time, I could feel my hand automatically reaching for a stack of Razzles. No, I couldn't comprehend how photos of some woman from Doncaster bending over a fridge without her knickers on could save anyone's marriage either, but who was I to deny anyone's right to satisfy their wondering libido in a grand style?

And then I checked the address; 'C/O Rev. Joyland, Holy Trinity Church, Hohoe, Ghana'. And I thought, no, better not.

'Mr Sex': Time for another porn letter

As all writers will tell you, there's nothing better than getting positive feedback for your hard work and creative struggle (apart from money, of course). Unless you work on wank mags, of course. Because when the readers get in touch to congratulate you, it's not because you've given them something to think about or have captivated them with your skill. It's because you've put the idea into their head that mashing their genitals for five minutes or so is the thing to do.

The following is an example of the kind of thank-you letter we used to receive on a disturbingly regular basis. All spelling mistakes are his...

I’ve just brought the latest issue, great as usual. I didn’t even get pass page 4. I saw your "Talk dirty to us" spot, then 5 lovely horny babes. I studied there nylon clad bodies and instantly decided to give you a running commentary while I wrote this letter. Well like most blokes I love stockings suspenders ect. Talk dirty! No I’m going to be "dirty".

So just before I started this letter, I’ve put on a black pair of stockings and a black and red suspender belt. Now as my cock is already excited and weeping, I thought I’d wear a pair of black silky knickers, cos I thought what with my cock weeping, I must be letting off a sex odour down there. So when I’m ready to cum over those sexy bitches, I could whip off the knickers, slip them over my head (as I would if there was a woman with me) and sniff away at the sweet smell of sex. All undies are the wife’s, I haven’t yet got my own set, but soon will have I assure you.

Right now I’m lusting after those horny girls in the mag, my cock is throbbing and like a bar of steel, I’m right handed, so I’m playing with it with my left hand, I must look absolutely stupid, but I’ll tell you, I feel so fucking sexed up with what I’m doing.

This is great. I’ve had a closer look at the stockings she’s wearing, while feeling my ones I’ve got on, it’s as if she was hear. If that lady was, I’d fuck each and every hole in her body, filling all with my hot sticky spunk, which is now, wanting to spurt out my cock. I’ve now took off my knickers, and put them on my head, as I sniff the crotch looking at these horny babes. I can’t believe how similar the odour is. I know nothing on earth can replace the wondrous smell of wet pussy, but for wanking purposes it will do.

I think I’m going to have to stop writing as I’m nearly about to cum, I’m sitting on the edge of my bed, O fuck its out of control, I’ve got to stop now.

What a fucking blissful wank that was, and just to make it that little bit dirtier for you, as I started to cum, I bent forward and lowered my head, you’ve got it, the times I’ve cum on a woman’s face, there’s a first time for everything, now I know how it feels I came all over my own face, spunk everywhere, and yes I did lick what I could off and swallowed. Well if your going to copy something you might as well go the whole hog.

It’s probably the best wank and orgasm I’ve had in ages, and I certainly felt dirty, kinky and some what perverted. I throughley recomend it to any guy who’s not frightened to experiment. Thanks girls, you really done it for me.

NB: In case you were interested, the gentleman was performing what is described in Roger's Profanisaurus as a 'Spiderman Wank'.

'Mr Sex': The Best Letter To A Porn Magazine EVER

Long ago, in another time and another place, I worked in wank mags. I wasn't a Smut King; more a Porn Peon. I started as the picture librarian for 30 grot periodicals, including Readers Wives, Real Wives, Asian Babes, 40+ (age and bra size), 50 & Over (just age), Electric Blue, Black & Blue, Asian Babes and Big And Fat, and went on to do pretty much everything but take part (I was offered £75 to be in a porn video. I told them that if anyone wanted to see my beautiful white arse going up and down on the telly, they'd better up the ante to £90 at least).

Whenever I was in the pub with my mates, and they told their mates what I did, their eyes would instantly light up and they would chew my ear off all night. It was quite bizarre, having people on ten times my salary grabbing me by the arm and shouting "Oh my God, you lucky bastard! I wish I had your job!"

Whenever it got too much, I had an instant response to calm them down. I would calmly point out that at 9.30am tomorrow, while they were reclining in their luxury offices and asking a secretary to fetch them another coffee, I would be nursing a hangover the size of God's face, preparing to do my first task of the day; opening the readers' letters.

I suppose, in a way, I was very lucky indeed; I was given, on a daily basis, the opportunity to gaze into the open wound of male sexuality. On the other hand, I was given, on a daily basis, the opportunity to open the most grotesque Lucky Bag in history. Jagged scrawls by borderline psychotics. Photos of Holger from Rotterdam, bollock-naked save for a pair of diving boots, attempting to give himself a nosh, with "LADIES! The DEVIL has taken HOLD of ME!" desperately written across the top. Nasty willies held up against even nastier duvet covers. Someone's Nana in a manky living room with her legs thrown around both arms of the recliner, with her dressing gown wide open and a fag dangling from her fingers. Tissue Samples.

Naturally, I used to whip handfuls of them to read on the tube home. And even now, ten years later, they still pop up amongst the boxes of rubbish I've horded over the years. I intend to throw these up whenever I find them, and I'm starting with the absolute cream of the crop. This, my friends, is the best letter ever sent to a porn magazine, ever. Never mind the fact that it graphically describes the probably illegal usage of meat products, domestic animals, and Manchester United. Never mind the fact that this story never happened, and was probably sent as a piss-take, and I've posted this all over the internet whenever I got the chance, and after reading it, you might feel all manner of emotions (and most of them negative). Just read it.

I was home alone the other night watching football on Sky. Liverpool were one-all with Man U with ten minutes to go. I had just taken a Viagra pill four hours earlier and shagged my girlfriend four times until she went to work at a local hospital.

I had cooked myself some sausages and was laying there in front of the TV quite relaxed, chomping on my sausages. I looked down and my old fellow was staring back at me with its one eye closed, almost as if it were winking at me to play with it. I was impressed – I had never seen it so big before. It was laying on my belly stiff as a board staring at me, the head was laying just below my chest as I lay on my back.

‘I wonder…’ I thought as I removed my jeans and rolled my legs up, over and behind my head. My penis slid straight into my mouth. It was a curious feeling giving myself a headjob, the head made it in just over my front teeth. I was used to deeper penetration when my girlfriend was giving it to me but I wasn’t complaining. I sucked myself off for five minutes, thoroughly enjoying myself.

I don’t know how it happened but I think the Viagra was making me really horny, but I decided to shove one of the cooked sausages up my arse while I sucked myself off. It felt great. I was dizzy from being upside down but the sausage up the arse really did it. I was going to come any minute now and started moaning out loud. This was definitely the best sex I had ever received and it was all from myself.

Before I knew it the dog trotted up over to me after being woken by my moans of pleasure and started eating the sausage out of my arse. Initially I was shocked and attempted to hit the dog with my belt that was laying beside me, but I missed the dog and hit myself on the arse. Oh God it felt great, so I kept on hitting myself on the arse, not too hard mind you to scare the dog away which had finished the part of the sausage that was sticking out of my arse and was attempting to removed (sic) the other half inside with broad sweeping movements of his long wet rough tongue.

It was great, laying there on my back giving myself a headjob, being growled out by my dog and whacking my arse with my belt. I began to moan louder with pleasure while the dog began to growl in frustration at not being able to remove the stuck sausage. The dog gave up using his tongue and propped itself up on my arse with its two front feet and began nibbling at my anus with its front incisors, gnashing them down quickly, searching for the elusive bit of sausage, growling and chomping.

I thought it couldn’t get any better until all at the same time the dog removed the remaining bit of sausage I came in my mouth at the same time that Michael Owen scored for Liverpool.

It was the best night of my life.