Tuesday, 29 January 2008

'Mr Sex': What every teenage boy (and a frightening amount of adult men) should know about their packet

(or, What I Would Say To Myself If I Could Climb Into A Time Machine And Set It Back 20 Years Or So, In Order To Save Myself A Lot Of Unnecessary Mither)

Comparing yours to your mates’ is pointless.
When bonked up, the vast majority of penises are much of a muchness – about five to six inches, depending on whose stats you're looking at. The flaccid penis, on the other hand, can vary in size from minute to minute, depending on temperature, fullness of bladder, alcohol, relaxation levels, and whether you’re having your trousers ripped off by the fifth years (or whatever you call them these days) outside the sports hall or not.

Comparing yours to porn actors, male strippers, and keck-models is even more pointless. The former are employed strictly for their nob-related freakishness, while the latter two more often than not tie off (i.e., they get an erection, tie bit of string/elastic/whatever around base of nob so the majority of the blood stays in, and then after 45 minutes they frantically pick at the knot, screaming “NOOOOOO! UNDO, YOU BASTARD! BEFORE IT GOES ALL BLACK AND DROPS OFF!” In other words, HIGHLY UNRECOMMENDED. IN BOLD CAPITALISED RED TEXT AND EVERYTHING).

Doing anything drastic to increase the size is even more pointless than those other two pointless things combined. Not to mention flat-out dangerous. Penis enlargement pills have contained such things as lead, yeast, pesticides, cow shit, mould, and even E Coli bacteria, and they’re about as effective as swallowing little rolled-up pellets of Blu-Tac. Weights, pulleys and other contraptions are just as bad – the penis is a frighteningly complicated structure, and does not take kindly to being yanked about in ways it doesn’t like. Yes, you could have a cosmetic operation to have the suspensory ligament in your groin cut, making it look longer, but then you run the risk of it not going stiff ever again until rigor mortis sets in.

(Incidentally, anyone who makes a living out of preying on male insecurities with nob-increasing scams ought to have their genitals cut off, watch them be placed into a liquidiser, and then be made to drink them. I hate those bastards.)

The only people who actually give a toss are other men.
Seriously. Virtually every man sneaks a look at what the other one has in the pub urinals (and the ones who don't are in the toilets, terrified that someone will see theirs) . What’s more, practically every penis-enlargement technique is designed to make it look bigger on the flop – i.e., for the benefit of other men, when you’re getting your kit off in the gym. So fuck that.

Yes, it is big enough to satisfy a woman, you soft get.
Look, the average vagina has a depth of between five and seven inches, and any more than a fanny-full is a waste. Even better, all the nerve-endings are concentrated near the entrance. And you don’t need a telescopic attachment to hit the G-spot; just the right technique and a lot of patience.

There is no, repeat, NO correlation between having a bigger cock and being a better lover.
What’s the most popular female sex toy in the world? The Rabbit. Why? Because unlike all those old-school rubber cocks that look like shell casings, it actually works. So does your cock have pliant, clitoris-stimulating forks shooting out of the side, and a rotating middle section? Funny that. Neither does mine. Nor anyone elses.

Furthermore, if you ask any woman whose been with someone who was hung like a blue whale, they’re quite likely to tell you that a) it was uncomfortable, b) it was a lot of faff, or c) he thought all he had to do was turn up with his big nob, the lazy bleeder. Depending on who you ask, a huge proportion of women – up to 70%, according to one survey – have never had an orgasm from vaginal intercourse. You’re better off worrying about the length of your tongue, or the flexibility of your fingers, because trust me, you're going to use them as much as your todger when the time comes.

If you want it to look bigger, trim your pubes and go easy on the
Turkey Twizzlers.
You might not be aware of this, but there’s more to your nob than meets the eye (particularly your eye, because you’re looking at it from a rubbish angle). More often than not, your poor todge is having to fight its way past a pad of fat over the groin, and a tuft of pubes before it can be seen. So if it looks like you’ve got one of the Jackson Five living in your kecks, or you’re a bit of a chubbo, sort it out.

Yes, even I wouldn’t mind a bigger cock
, just like practically every other bloke, and I’d be lying if I said otherwise. But I’d also like a 12” one made out of gold that spat out diamonds, and that’s not going to happen either.

Enjoy worrying about your dick while you can.
Because in about 20 or so years time, you’ll be starting to worry about hair loss, man-breasts, hairy earholes, beer guts, and other, less fun things. And by that time, you’ll realise that when it doesn’t hurt when you piss, it still gets bonked up when it needs to, it doesn't go off when a butterfly flaps its wings on another continent and it still lets you wear light-coloured trousers with confidence, your penis is absolutely, monumentally, utterly perfect.


lovessex said...

Bigger is definately not better. The one time I encountered a "horse" he thought that he was gods gift but in truth he was really lousy in the sack.

Your right about vaginal orgasms. I'm one of the 30% that does have them but most of the good sensations happen at the entrance to my vagina.

thegirl said...

"When bonked up, the vast majority of penises are much of a muchness – about six or so inches..."

Er, no. Actually, from my understanding* the 'average' size of an erect penis (in the UK/USA is just over five inches, not six.

And size really doesn't matter, christ, it doesn't. There are pros and cons of both big and small penises, but the most important thing is a man's attitude, generosity and patience: that's what's sexy, not what lies between his legs.

*I am not referring to my own personal experience, I promise; this statistic is based on recent data.

Nottingham's 'Mr Sex' said...

Shit, you're right, actually. Will correct that immediately.

(see, we even exaggerate the size en masse. That's how rubbish we are)

Pepe said...

A girlfriend of mine used to say:

Short and thick
does the trick.
Long and thin,
too far in.

Anna said...

I do feel bad for men sometimes. All this pressure from society over something they can't help, when it really doesn't matter that much!

Red said...

your poor todge is having to fight its way past a pad of fat over the groin,

...that's a new excuse for weight loss.

Sarah said...

I do feel sorry for those blokes with tiny todgers, but to be honest i feel worse for women with itty bitty titties!

Your cock is in your trousers and most people don't see it. For poor small breasted ladies their insecurity is out on show for all to see!

- Trimming the old bush definately adds an inch though fellas! ;)

city girl said...

I just want to say that this blog is so exciting, the unmatched top reading experience five days a week. It's the best compensation for non-existing love life. Respect!

Innocent Loverboy said...

I already worry about man-breasts, beer guts, et ceteri. I don't worry about my penis size even though it is actually average.

I'm ahead of myself by about 20 years. I know they said I was mature for my age, but Christ!

Brandy said...

I agree with the girl.

Fellas the penis should be the very LAST of your worries...

Attitude, generosity, and patience are far more sexy than the size of your penis.

Boy said...

I think that 70% stat is the saviour for all nervous men. I've come to terms with the fact my stamina isn't the greatest, but as the article says, tongues and fingers all the way!

Lily Lane said...

The most important thing in sex is enthusiasm for the act itself. The more you treat it as fun and exciting and enjoyable, the better at it you will be in my experience.

You have to forget about expectations and take each other along for a fun ride. Enjoy the fact that you are getting laid and relax.

Spanknsparkle said...

Oh dear, am I allowed to disagree?

There's nothing I enjoy more than a big, *thick* cock. I am a big girl and take a lot of filling (ewww that sounds crude!).

However, my man is largish, 8 1/4 long by 5 1/2 girth (yes I have measured it & he'd kill me if he knew I'd posted this!), but he is still convinced he's *average* - penis dysmorphia me thinks! So even if your blessed, there's still no mental satisfaction.

Oh, and I'm lucky enough to be part of the 30% too xx

Trixie Firecracker said...

A few points to make here

1. This entry is absolutely hilarious. I would laugh out loud if my housemate weren't in the next room, which is separated by a paper-thin wall.

2. Being freakishly large doesn't make one better in bed. So. True.

3. You guys are not alone. Now we have doctors who prey on womens' insecurities by trying to get them to get cosmetic vagina surgery.

Rosie said...

I just got it!! Todger that is. It means penis. Awwww. And I have a real problem with large cocks. No, not there. But I have a small mouth and since I want to have the whole thing -- big is harder, errr, more difficult. You do give great advice, and entertaining, and provide additions to my Yankee vocabulary.

Anonymous said...


Now if you could comment about curvature, too...

annabelle said...

Please can you blog about what men should be doing with tongues and fingers - there's a whole bunch of them out there that need educating!

Blogger said...

I've just installed iStripper, and now I can watch the sexiest virtual strippers get naked on my taskbar.