'Mr Sex': What every teenage boy (and a frightening amount of adult men) should know about their packet

(or, What I Would Say To Myself If I Could Climb Into A Time Machine And Set It Back 20 Years Or So, In Order To Save Myself A Lot Of Unnecessary Mither)

Comparing yours to your mates’ is pointless. When bonked up, the vast majority of penises are much of a muchness – about five to six inches, depending on whose stats you're looking at. The flaccid penis, on the other hand, can vary in size from minute to minute, depending on temperature, fullness of bladder, alcohol, relaxation levels, and whether you’re having your trousers ripped off by the fifth years (or whatever you call them these days) outside the sports hall or not.

Comparing yours to porn actors, male strippers, and keck-models is even more pointless. The former are employed strictly for their nob-related freakishness, while the latter two more often than not tie off (i.e., they get an erection, tie bit of string/elastic/whatever around base of nob so the majority of the blood stays in, and then after 45 minutes they frantically pick at the knot, screaming “NOOOOOO! UNDO, YOU BASTARD! BEFORE IT GOES ALL BLACK AND DROPS OFF!” In other words, HIGHLY UNRECOMMENDED. IN BOLD CAPITALISED RED TEXT AND EVERYTHING).

Doing anything drastic to increase the size is even more pointless than those other two pointless things combined. Not to mention flat-out dangerous. Penis enlargement pills have contained such things as lead, yeast, pesticides, cow shit, mould, and even E Coli bacteria, and they’re about as effective as swallowing little rolled-up pellets of Blu-Tac. Weights, pulleys and other contraptions are just as bad – the penis is a frighteningly complicated structure, and does not take kindly to being yanked about in ways it doesn’t like. Yes, you could have a cosmetic operation to have the suspensory ligament in your groin cut, making it look longer, but then you run the risk of it not going stiff ever again until rigor mortis sets in.

(Incidentally, anyone who makes a living out of preying on male insecurities with nob-increasing scams ought to have their genitals cut off, watch them be placed into a liquidiser, and then be made to drink them. I hate those bastards.)

The only people who actually give a toss are other men. Seriously. Virtually every man sneaks a look at what the other one has in the pub urinals (and the ones who don't are in the toilets, terrified that someone will see theirs) . What’s more, practically every penis-enlargement technique is designed to make it look bigger on the flop – i.e., for the benefit of other men, when you’re getting your kit off in the gym. So fuck that.

Yes, it is big enough to satisfy a woman, you soft get. Look, the average vagina has a depth of between five and seven inches, and any more than a fanny-full is a waste. Even better, all the nerve-endings are concentrated near the entrance. And you don’t need a telescopic attachment to hit the G-spot; just the right technique and a lot of patience.

There is no, repeat, NO correlation between having a bigger cock and being a better lover. What’s the most popular female sex toy in the world? The Rabbit. Why? Because unlike all those old-school rubber cocks that look like shell casings, it actually works. So does your cock have pliant, clitoris-stimulating forks shooting out of the side, and a rotating middle section? Funny that. Neither does mine. Nor anyone elses.

Furthermore, if you ask any woman whose been with someone who was hung like a blue whale, they’re quite likely to tell you that a) it was uncomfortable, b) it was a lot of faff, or c) he thought all he had to do was turn up with his big nob, the lazy bleeder. Depending on who you ask, a huge proportion of women – up to 70%, according to one survey – have never had an orgasm from vaginal intercourse. You’re better off worrying about the length of your tongue, or the flexibility of your fingers, because trust me, you're going to use them as much as your todger when the time comes.

If you want it to look bigger, trim your pubes and go easy on the Turkey Twizzlers. You might not be aware of this, but there’s more to your nob than meets the eye (particularly your eye, because you’re looking at it from a rubbish angle). More often than not, your poor todge is having to fight its way past a pad of fat over the groin, and a tuft of pubes before it can be seen. So if it looks like you’ve got one of the Jackson Five living in your kecks, or you’re a bit of a chubbo, sort it out.

Yes, even I wouldn’t mind a bigger cock, just like practically every other bloke, and I’d be lying if I said otherwise. But I’d also like a 12” one made out of gold that spat out diamonds, and that’s not going to happen either.

Enjoy worrying about your dick while you can. Because in about 20 or so years time, you’ll be starting to worry about hair loss, man-breasts, hairy earholes, beer guts, and other, less fun things. And by that time, you’ll realise that when it doesn’t hurt when you piss, it still gets bonked up when it needs to, it doesn't go off when a butterfly flaps its wings on another continent and it still lets you wear light-coloured trousers with confidence, your penis is absolutely, monumentally, utterly perfect.