Right, here's the deal; every Friday, we're going to allow the nice ladies who read Todger Talk the opportunity to not only pick our massive sexperty brains, but also give our male readers the chance to impart their knowledge. Think of us as a 21st century Cathy and Claire, but with penises. The rules are as follows...
Ladies: If there's ever been anything about men you've wanted to know but were afraid to ask, or wanted a male viewpoint on a certain relationship niggle you're going through, drop an email to us at todger dot talk at googlemail dot com. Every week, we shall pick one out and answer it to the best of our capabilities.
Gentlemen: We would very much appreciate your input on a weekly basis, so the comments section of each Something For The Ladies post will be yours and yours alone. In other words, all female comments will be deleted. Sorry ladies, but in this case we'd be very grateful if you'd hush those sweet keystrokes and let the chaps have their say. Just for today though, we love hearing from you the rest of the week.
Are we all clear on that? Good. Here's the first question...
Paula Yates’ Wine Lodge writes: "So, Valentine's Day's come and gone, bringing no roses, chocolates or even a pissy cheap Asda card. Instead, it brought a lot of genuine requests as to whether a fantastic girl like me was inundated with the things. I'm in my thirties, successful, great company and attractive in a womanly way. Men fancy a go, thanks to what has been described as me having 'earthy sexualilty'. So why does no bugger ever ask me out? Does being confident and independent still put men off women; do they think we're going to give them orders in bed and laugh at the size of their dicks? Do they think we're so busy having a good time that we don't need them? Are they afraid that we'll laugh at them for daring to ask us out? Would they feel better if they knew that a girl like me likes to be tied up in the bedroom, although she can be a riot in the bar-room? I'd be really keen to find out what you guys on the blog think about this one, as I'm actually a bit nervous to ask my r/l male mates in case they tell me that my theories are actually right, and that I'm doing it ALL wrong."
‘Mr Sex’ says: Right then, so many questions;
a) Does being confident and independent put men off? No. But what it can mean is that these chaps (who I’m assuming you know quite well) are seeing you as someone who is dead happy with the way things are and isn’t interested in Thingy Whatsit with them. Men can be really cack like that sometimes. Maybe a bit of a hint might help them along (and when I say ‘hint’, I don’t mean screaming ‘FUCK ME! FUCK MEEE!’ and then spinning your head 360 degrees and doing yourself with a crucifix, like Linda Blair in The Exorcist – something a bit subtler, obviously)
b) Do we think that ‘successful career’ equates ‘performance-hungry size-queen’? No. But we do tend to fall into the trap of assuming that successful women want to couple up with equally successful men, presumably so they can have, I dunno, power-breakfasts, or power-trips to the local Asda, and power-sex. We basically like women who earn loads of money and have interesting lives, but we tend to assume that they wouldn’t be massively interested in us. Rubbish, I know, but there it is.
c) Yes, we do tend to think you’re so busy having a good time that we’d get in the way. Fish, bicycle, bicycle, fish. It’s all percolated through to us after so many years, and we feel that we need you more than you need us.
d) Would we be interested in knowing you like to be tied up in the bedroom? Hell yeah. But make sure you say that only those whose fingers you'd like on the knot, if you will, because there's nothing worse than having a woman tell you things like that when it's obvious they don't want to do it with you. It's the sexual equivalent of Jim Bowen saying "Here's what you could have won" on Bullseye.
Basically, it sounds like your life is pretty much sorted out, which makes you a very decent catch indeed. The trick is to relay your availability, but in a Quiet Storm-like manner, and see what happens.
Ok this is pretty simple. You have on what I call 'successitis'. Essentially you have such a successful confident exterior that men presume if you want them, you will make the first move. Or they are too intimidated to make the first move themselves, probably unless they are wanker players who just want a shag. Also they probably assume you are such a strong successful feminist you are over all that girly flowersy, cardy stuff. Oh how wrong they are. Many men have yet to embrace the concept that women can be feminists and still like girly stuff. (I struggled with it myself for some time)
Probably lots of really great men find you really hot and attractive, but just don't have the courage to make a move. (Think back to Dave's piece last week!)
Also what most men fail to realise is that powerful women like you do love to lose control, or more importantly have other people take control: hence being tied up in the bedroom.
a) Turn up the flirting volume - When you are around men you fancy, double your flirting volume. Check to see if the blokes responds. If not double it again. And again. Because of your successful exterior you practically will have to wear a sign around your neck saying 'yes, I find you hot, make the first move. Now.' What feels like a rock concert of flirting to you, will look like a slight glimmer of hope to us.
Another way of looking at it is to treat us like Donkeys. You need to hold the carrot right in front of our noses so close it's easy for us to bite. As blokes we are quite dopey at picking up signals, unless they are dangled right in front of us, hopefully accompanied by 'here donkey donkey, try the nice carrot', just so we can be really sure. This is especially so if it is an attractive, earthily sexy and successful carrot.
b) Make the first move yourself - at least half the men that I speak to would be massively relieved if women made the first move. If you think he fancies you, then get drunk with him and you start the snogging. That way if it goes wrong you can blame it on the booze and laugh it off. Or if you fancy a date, ask him out, he will probably be massively relieved and pleasantly surprised.
The downside? - welcome to the horrible man's world of constant possible rejection.
Gentlemen of Todger Talk, what is your advice to this lovely lady?