Tuesday, 8 December 2009

Something for the Ladies # 29

Ladies: If there's ever been anything about men you've wanted to know but were afraid to ask, or wanted a male viewpoint on a certain relationship niggle you're going through, drop an email to us at todger dot talk @ googlemail dot com. We shall pick one out and answer it to the best of our capabilities.

Analonymous writes:
I’d like to ask you a question about anal sex – not ‘should I do it?’, as I and the guy I am currently fucking like it very much. However, I’m a bit worried about the potential mess it could create. I’m super-clean, neat and orderly, but due to his length he can achieve some pretty impressive depths. I’ve always wondered – as a man, do you worry about the occasional mess, or once the fucking starts do you gloss over any potential disasters and just appreciate what’s going on?

'Mr Sex' says: Hm. You'd completely asked the wrong chap here, me duck, as my anal sex experiences extend only as far as shoving things up my arse for the sex toy review section of this very blog - so I'm definately going to have to punt this dilemma out to our lovely, lovely readers who know far better than I.

However, your concerns are valid and universal; unless you fancy having a go at that scat thing you've seen on the internet, you're aiming for a highly intimate experience, not an IRA-style dirty protest circa 1975. Going by the experiences of some of my friends, which have been related time and again in pubs, I would surmise that there's a minimal risk of wrongery occuring - but when it does go wrong, it can be amazingly spectacular (my favourite tale ended with the phrase "When I pulled out, the next thing I saw was a roostertail of shit"). Obviously, an experience as traumatic as that could possibly put you off for several lifetimes.

Let's demolish the main myth about anal; there's no guarantee that you'll end up with a shitty dick, which puts a lot of men off. After a few goes on a prostate stimulator, I've discovered that - as long as you're not busting to curl one off - there is very little (if any) fecal matter on the end of whatever you're shoving in there. Yes, there's loads of lube (and its occasional by-product, Santorum), but it's nothing you can't handle. I'd say that you should always prepare for the worst, so if it does happen, you can deal with it as quickly as possible. When I'm testing prostate stimulators, for example, I always have;
A massive beach towel over the bed (in case the worst happens)
A roll of kitchen towels or bog roll (so I can wipe anything that needs wiping)
Easy access to a carrier bag in a waste paper bin (to lob everything into and seal)
An oil burner on the go (so my room doesn't whiff of anything it shouldn't)
Something heavy wedged up against the door (because I live in a shared house)
Now, I don't really need all of that rammell, but it calms me down. After all, if you're tensed up, you might as well try to shove a baseball bat through the eye of a needle. So I suggest that you get your own emergency kit on standby, and enjoy worry-free bum-sex.

Sam says: Apart from being surprised that 'Mr Sex' is still an anal virgin, my advice is simple. The main selling point about anal sex is that it's still seen as dirty - both figuratively and (in certain circumstances) actually. 'Mr Sex' is right about the general un-ickiness of the rectum, but if your man is as long as you say he is, there's the potential for an, um, accident.

The best thing to do is to sit down and have a talk about it. Point out that you love anal as much as he does, but make clear that you'd relax and be able to enjoy it even more if you had a clean-up routine, should the worst came to the worst. I think it's totally fair for him to take charge of that particular matter, seeing as you're the one who will probably be in most need of the loo afterwards - and when it comes to anal sex, from foreplay to afterplay, the recipient should always be the one who takes charge.

And it goes without saying that you should use as much lube as possible, and for God's sake use the toilet beforehand if you feel the slightest inclination to. But you already know that, right?

Readers of TT - comment!