'Mr Sex': Another lovely Porn letter

Time once again to don the washing-up glove and delve into my jiffy bag of letters sent to wank mags - and, as I'm sure you'll agree, this one is a of a particularly piquant vintage.

One of the most popular types of porn mag letter - ranking way up there with 'Look at this photo of my cock, isn't it nice?' and 'I've never seen such a shower of baggy-fannied dogs in all my life, give me my money back now' - is the letter begging us to send out free grot. Every week, we would get letters from soldiers in Kosovo, poverty-stricken students, and assorted cheeky fuckers wanting us to mail out bundles of wank mags, as if I was Jimmy fucking Saville or summat. And every week, they would be lobbed in a binwardly direction.

This one, however, was different. Maybe it was the location. Maybe it was the floridly heartfelt prose. But whatever it was, it found a special place in my heart. And maybe it'll find a place in yours , too...

Dear Sir/Madam,

I am much grateful to have this day pleasurable in writing to you this letter. I am a man of thirty eight year of old and a married man with two kids. Please the real purpose of writing to you this letter is that, We the Ghanaians, are so much ignorant of how to conduct sex.

I mean, Ghanaians don’t know exactly how to play the foreplay or how to play romance before playing the sex. And also we don’t know exactly the skills and styles of sex. And in fact as I said earlier on my wife is ignorant of all these things, though I normally take her to sexy films, She was convinced that these films are alarms and that they are toys that are Computerised.

In fact, whenever I tried to make love to her and then demand styles, she becomes annoyed and sometimes refuses to offer. Because of that, how to make love becomes a problem. But you can agreed with me that, it is love making or sex that can hold our married life.

Please in the absence of these, our married life is becoming ruined. And I am much disturbed. I was seriously looking for a hot sexy magazine to show or give to her which will enable her know, that the styles of sex is real and playing sex in adorable styles is not an alarm.

Fortunately I came across your address and I am please pleading with you to send me at least one of your sexy magazine to boost our married life and our love live. Please for God’s sake, consider the breaking of our marriage and send me your magazine. Please consider it so that, we can boost our married life and satisfy our wondering libido in a grand style.

As I read this letter for the first time, I could feel my hand automatically reaching for a stack of Razzles. No, I couldn't comprehend how photos of some woman from Doncaster bending over a fridge without her knickers on could save anyone's marriage either, but who was I to deny anyone's right to satisfy their wondering libido in a grand style?

And then I checked the address; 'C/O Rev. Joyland, Holy Trinity Church, Hohoe, Ghana'. And I thought, no, better not.