Friday, 22 February 2008

Something For The Ladies #2

Part two of our let-the-chaps-educate-our-female-readers segment, and this one is a cockbird of a question. Here are the rules again;

Ladies: If there's ever been anything about men you've wanted to know but were afraid to ask, or wanted a male viewpoint on a certain relationship niggle you're going through, drop an email to us at todger dot talk at googlemail dot com. Every week, we shall pick one out and answer it to the best of our capabilities.

Gentlemen: We would very much appreciate your input on a weekly basis, so the comments section of each Something For The Ladies post will be yours and yours alone. In other words, all female comments will be deleted. Sorry ladies, but in this case we'd be very grateful if you'd hush those sweet keystrokes and let the chaps have their say. Just for today though, we love hearing from you the rest of the week.

Got that? Good. This week's question...

TheGirl Writes: If a man loses his erection during or before sex (eg. especially when a condom is about to be put on), how would he like the woman to respond? I obviously have my own, personal, ways of dealing with this, eg. flirty humour, some compassion, and enthusiastic blow-jobs, but a) I would be very keen to hear the best responses men would like to receive from a woman when this situation arises (bad pun not intended), and b) I would like to learn how men really feel when this situation happens. For me, it's not a big deal at all - sex ain't just about the penis after all - but for a guy? How do men really feel?

‘Mr Sex’ says: Ooh. God, this is a bastard of a question, because it happened to me very recently. For starters, here’s what you don’t do;

  • Assume that it’s your fault that he can’t get bonked up because you’re not attractive to him any more, or any of that bollocks (it’ll make him try harder to do so, which makes it even worse)
  • Assume that it’s his fault that he can’t get a stonk-on (because, unless he’s been quaffing pints all night, it usually isn’t)
  • Tell him to ‘hurry up and get a bit of fucking blood in it’
  • Feel massively sorry for him
  • Have a cob-on about it and roll over.

Let’s jump to the second part of the question; as a man, you feel absolutely fucking useless when it happens. For starters, you can’t even begin to work out why it’s not happening. Then, you start to get the feeling that you’ve failed the audition. Then you feel rubbish that you’re not able to satisfy your partner. Then you feel even more rubbish that you can’t satisfy yourself. After that, even if you manage to get it sorted, you start worrying that you’re never going to be as good to go like you used to be ever again. It’s a morbid carousel of doubt and self-loathing, to be honest, which is made even worse when you’re right next to a saucy madam who fancies a bit.

So what to do?

  • Yes, oral is good. There’s nothing better than the feeling of growing in someone’s mouth, and the penis is still capable of feeling loads of sensations when on the flop. But even that might not work, so . . .
  • Give him something to do. By this time he’ll be absolutely desperate to please you, so if you’re going down on him, turn it into a 69. Remind him that he’s also got a tongue, eight fingers and a couple of thumbs – and they’re not likely to go flaccid any time soon. If he can still get you off, his pride will remain intact
  • Take advantage of the opportunity to point out that he has other erogenous zones, and they’re not all concentrated between his legs.
But yes, a very good question. And a horrible one. Sniff.

Sam says: Well, to be honest Al has pretty much nailed this one.

Really, as a man I just want the woman to be understanding, realise it happens sometimes, have a laugh about it and move on.

It is really quite rubbish as a bloke when things are getting all hot and heavy, and suddenly you’ve got to break the flow by scrambling around to find the little bugger, rip it open with your teeth (why is it condoms are always so hard to open?) and then shove it on yourself. It really breaks your concentration, which is a prime cause of Mr Floppy.

My biggest tip, if you want to avoid this sort of thing, is put the condom on him yourself. Ideally give him a blow job, then when he is really hard either slip it on with your mouth, or with your hand. (having craftily opened the condom while you are giving him the blow job so it’s immediately ready to roll on). If you get really good, he won’t even notice.

Gentlemen of Todger Talk, what is your advice to this lady about how to react? And how does it feel to get the droop?


Nottingham's 'Mr Sex' said...

Well, I'm either a brilliant sexual genius who has said everything that needs to be said on the matter, or I'm the only person this has ever happened to. Interesting...

Anonymous said...

I'll be honest - never happened to me. YET. I know it's going to, one of these days, as time takes its toll on me.

When it does, I won't want to be laughed at, but I also won't want sympathy. ANYTHING that draws attention to it is gonna force me to dwell longer on it, and that's gonna make it harder to be hard, so to speak.

Just go back to foreplay, necking, etc. Maybe even send me "down to dinner", so to speak. Distract me enough from the "problem" and I'm sure everything will return to "working order" in no time.

The other thing to consider (for the men) is an "arab strap" if you're afraid this might happen to you. It holds the blood in, and keeps things ready and willing (and even makes them a bit bigger than usual).

Boy said...

I've been visited my Mr Flop before, although more so when I've been getting my drink on than anything else. But yes, a good enthusiastic blowjob always helps. I'm a massive fan of the woman putting the condom on as well. Think the advice given in this is grade A and spot on.

monkey said...

this has happened to me a couple of times and has mostly been when i come to put the rain mack on. this part of sex is such a passion killer and no matter how much you to try to make it sexy or part of the fun and games it just does not work. in my experience it just makes me slow down take my time more and go back to having some fun with my partner oral is such a great part of sex.
you pretty much nailed it with the worse things to do about it except i hate it if it ever gets brought up in conversation later on or in an heated discussion this has really made me feel inadequate and paranoid that they think that.

FrodoBaggins said...

If it is happening when it's time to put the condom on, I'd suggest being a little pro-active.

When he is fumbling around looking for a condom / opening a condom etc, take the initiative and either stroke his Penis or perhaps play with his balls - certainly works for me!

Lotte said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
frodobaggins said...

Well I can only comment from experience and to be honest, losing my "stiffy" when I am already inside my wife isn't something that happens too frequently (if ever - I can't remember it happening but hey, maybe I'm just blocking the memory ;o) )

My suggestion would be to find his erogenous zones and work on those if the unmentionable happens. Suck/bite his nipples, earlobes etc - whatever works for him and will get the boner back. Perhaps changing position would help? Flip him on his back and you take the lead?

I am also surprised that more people haven't commented on this - I have experience the loss of stiffness when stopping to put on a condom many a time - it is not a stimulating act let's be honest here. It doesn't matter how turned on you are, the mere fact that you've got to stop what you're doing and tangle with a rubber is not a turn on (well for me anyway). So c'mon guys - let the world know how you get around the problem!

Mithras said...

Gentlemen of Todger Talk, what is your advice to this lady about how to react?

Pop a bit of porn that you both enjoy into the DVD player.

Anonymous said...

It's happened to me before and my girl was totally awesome about it. Unfortunately I didn't have an clue what to do about it.It added to the anxiety and I wasn't able to send my boy back in action that night.

How do the guys deal with it?

PS: The word verification is ridiculously long on this blog. I mean, 8 squiggly letters, c'mon!!

Anonymous said...

Had this happen to me and the lady involved looked at the little chap with disgust whilst flopping him from side to side. As she had been about to go down on the little fella I assured her that even in a deflated state I would thoroughly enjoy her ministrations! She looked a little doubtful but continued -- fortunately normal service was resumed shortly after.
The thing to remember is don't panic. Panic is the enemy! There's loads of stuff you can be getting up to!