Wednesday, 20 February 2008

Dave: Stick it up your bum


As Al proposes, there is a distinct discrimination against male self-gratification. Women’s needs and desires are catered for with the vast selection of dildos and vibrators available. Whereas we’re inconsiderately waved aside to spank our monkeys (or as a rather charming Australian friend of mine refers to it, kicking the ever-loving shit out of his gorilla) in the good old tried and tested way.

Perhaps though, introducing an assortment of artificial pussies would be admitting defeat. I can’t even picture what would constitute a variety. Once the NASA approved SuperDeluxe cock-muncher 3000, incorporating state of the art aeronautic systems of suction, has ensured cocks of all shape and size get a perfect workout, where does that leave the other plastic orifices on the market? But that’s precisely the problem. We’ve allowed our imagination to become stifled. Maybe because of the inequality of permissible methods of self-adoration. It’s deemed acceptable, nay, adventurous, in the eyes of both sexes, when a woman utilises the contents of her kitchen, dressing table or fridge for items to play with.

When women discuss their penis substitutes openly, it invites salacious leers and whooping from all those listening. However, should we let slip when down the pub that we too have had our moments of invention: Marigolds, a congealed Pot Noodle, your sister’s knickers – the black silk ones, with the rose on the front; a gawp of incredulity is the most we can hope for. Typically followed by disgust. As if initiative is a negative quality to have?

As the sex toy industry continues to leave us behind in the docks, it’s become evermore apparent that it’s up to us to massage our own creative juices. Let’s rediscover the days which spawned those heinous slurs of guys sticking it in anything and everything.

Venture forth, with a war cry of “I’m Stiff, and I’m Proud!” And raid every room in the house. Be experimental. Mix and match. Use a couple of toothbrushes (obviously not your own) and incorporate the colgate too – Icy Blast is a particular delight.

I want to hear ideas. Together we’ll show the sex toy industry we don’t need them – well, not together as such. We are after all, Men: inventors, conquerors, wankers!

18 comments:

JL said...

Has it occurred to anyone that when men masturbate, it is a wretchedly imperfect substitute for physical contact? Personally, I’m not hunting through my house for sex aids, as I’m too socially and sexually repressed to do it. I’d be too afraid of someone finding out, and subjecting myself to mockery (I do live with a woman).

The best study of male ‘wanking aids’ can likely be found in prisons. And in almost every description I’ve ever heard or read the men using such aids are desperate for the touch of a woman. And this is far more an emotional component than anything else. In interviews with men who buy and use those realistic sex dolls, they routinely admit to having been exhausted and discouraged by their treatment by women, and find solace in the ultimate ‘aid’. This is something not often addressed: the emotional comfort found in sex, by men especially; perhaps even more so than in women.

And, in women’s perception, I would think that the use of an aid would be recognized as a woman substitute, treated as weird, perverted, and creepy, and the user best avoided; and indicative of the desire for nothing more than a slab of meat to fuck. What woman wants that?

I’m going to comment over here more often. It’s a good blog, and not enough men are leaving comments.

B.E. Earl said...

I've never really used much more than a hand myself. My hand, that is. Not just some random hand that I found at a parts store.

I read an interview with the guys from the band XTC many, many years ago and they spoke of the odd masturbatory habits of the lead singer of Doc and the Medics. He had this hollow, rubber shark toy that he liked to bring with him on tour. He would put some warm, soapy water in it and then place it in between the mattress and the boxspring. Insert penis, bang away until release.

It's been well over 15 years since I've read that interview, but it seems like a pretty good idea.

Anonymous said...

better to put your partners vibrator up your ass when you wank (use a condom and don't tell her!!!!)

Queenie said...

This entry made me want to cheer on all men ready to go on this creative venture! :-D

EmmaK said...

I think its time that prejudice did end against male wankers. I don't know why but there is nothing that is quite as offputting as waking up in the night to hear your husband choking the chicken beside you. Whereas I know if he found me twiddling my bits he'd be turned on and mount me. Sods law...or summat?

JL said...

Emmak reinforces my point, I believe: choking the chicken is off-putting, yet a woman twiddling is a turn-on.

Why?

Personally, I think the answer lies deep in the monkey brain. Just a simian thought.

Lauren said...

Has it occured to anyone that there is a good REASON more sex toys and sexual aids exist for women?

Well guys, in case you weren't aware (and your lack of awareness would be unfortunate), it's because it's generally more difficult for women to achieve orgasm. A lot of women need both internal and external stimulation to cum - and let me tell you that working both hands at once is awkward and tiring.

Now, if the men out there can argue that their hands don't work most of the time, my case has no point. However, consider that it does take a lot of women a lot more to cum. (Look up the stats). Based on personal experience you may know that men are easy to figure out but women take a lot more work to satisfy.

Where there is a need there is a market. What can I say?

Brandy said...

My lover and I enjoy it together. It has become routine foreplay. He has, more than once, left a pair of my panties on my bed for me to find when I come home. His way of letting me know that he had been here today, playing with himself, using my panties. I find it an incredible turn-on. We have tried various other things during foreplay, Mardi Gra beads feel very nice rubbed slowly up and down a hard cock. Feathers feel very nice too, but can become very cumbersome if coupled with oral sex.

There is nothing wrong with experimenting, gentlemen.

I, for one, as a woman, find it an incredible turn-on to watch a man pleasure himself.

A said...

I agree with Brandy--I find it incredibly hot to watch men jack off. I support you all in your quest to give wanking a more sex-positive definition.

And for those of us who appreciate the beauty of cocks, go check out The Perfect Phallus. The prose is a bit florid, but the pics (and ooh, the videos) are delightful!

Ms Robinson said...

I can't help thinking of something that approximates fizzy sherbert and then a warm tight mouth on it. I too like to watch a man make himself cum - it's so erotic (but only when you're into him).

Anonymous said...

Well couples should masturbate in front of each others as a matter of course anyway. After all, you've been fiddling with yourself much longer than your partner anyway and you know what works best for you. The partner can watch and learn.

On a personal note if you do do this keep most of your clothes on while you watch each other - very erotic.

But I think Lauren has the rub of it - no pun intended. Men are very easy to get off. I remember reading about Stephen Milligan, the ex Tory MP with the auto-erotic asphyxiation thing, and thinking what a lot of gubbins to go through for a simple orgasm.

JL said...

I think the ladies got off topic here: the subject was not mutual masturbation, or shared experience, but what guys can do when said ladies aren't around.

Sorry, but when there is a woman in the room watching, or participating, the dynamic completely changes.

Anonymous said...

Re: the first anonymous tip to use your partner's vibe up your arse while you wank. Good idea to use a vibe, but BAD idea to use one designed for vaginal use. It's _extremely_ foolish to put anything up your arse which isn't easy to pull out, so make sure any anal toy you use has a flared base. The best course of action would be to buy one...keep it secret if you are embarrassed about it, but you never know, your girlfriend might find it really hot to use it on you when you're with her, too!

Seriously though guys. Don't be putting stuff up your arse if there's a danger you won't be able to get it back. That's a trip to Casualty you can really do without.

Loner said...

I use those nice soft and thick plastic bags you get in electronics packaging;a nice big dollop of hand cream,then fold a pillow in half and stuff it under the sofa cushion.I can press down and get a nice tight shag.The hand cream burns slightly,which I like,but others might not.I find I get a stronger orgasm than the average hand shandy,with proper knee trembling weakness.Its too much of a faff on to do on a regular basis.You can't ask the sofa to push its arse out a bit.I also find the post coital slump over the sofa a tad more guilt ridden.It should be the pounding of someones heart I'm listening to,not the boing of sofa springs and the muffled crinkle of defiled plastic.
I would cite my webcam as a masturbation aid,but thats more mutual territory as JL mentions.
I'm actually curious to try the fleshlight,but not comfortable with an over the counter purchase.Sods law states it will be my package that gets hoofed across the sorting office and arrives with a card saying sorry about your fake pussy you sad wanker.

Anonymous said...

Oh piff. My BoyThing has a flesh-light. That thing is so cool, I almost wish I could grow some man-parts to have a go myself - almost, because I happen to like the parts that I have very much.
The BoyThing also has a couple of adult toys specially designed for anal ... which is all kind of fun, if I'm not around (we're LDR at the moment).

My BBF's husband has a liking for a bag full of Vaseline between sofa cushions, or mattresses (if its the kind of bed that has two) ... I don't know what kind of bags, because the guy is my BBF's husband - and I'd rather not visualise. LOL

I can honestly say that I don't know what the boggle is with the idea that men might want a bit of extra "help" ... I'm sure that just going for your standard toss gets dull after a while.

Trixie Firecracker said...

This is not a wanking aid per se, but what about specialized men's sex toys like the Aneros? I've heard rave reviews about it.

Nottingham's 'Mr Sex' said...

Trixie, we'll be reviewing male sex toys like the Aneros in the very near future. Well, I will be, anyway.

Blake K. said...
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