...and personally, the world can piss off. It's great to be single on February 14th. Here's why...
It’s not a crime to be over 21 and single anymore. The time when being on the wrong side of 30 and still independent brought to mind the words ‘suspected paedophile’ are long over, and thank God for that. Back in the day, we’d look at sitcoms like Dear John and be invited to laugh at the misfortune of a collection of social misfits. If anyone tried to make a programme like that these days, it would have to be on after the watershed in order to get as much shagging in as possible. You’d like to feel sorry for your recently-divorced mates, but they’re too busy doing things and meeting new people to care.
You’ve avoided all the bollocks and mither associated with the morbid carousel of corporate phoneyness that is Valentines Day. Well done. No handing over fistfuls of money you can’t afford to Interflora for you. No wedging yourself into that overpriced Italian restaurant and having the same set meal with all the other sheep.
You can sit back and take a cheap holiday in other people’s misery. See this wonderful post here for further details.
You can wallow in your own glorious selfishness. Want to spend Valentines night watching Japanese chaps getting tortured in a gym by people in leather cat-suits, whist eating a sandwich made from wrapping a pizza round a bag of chips? Tonight, while everyone else is out and getting ripped off, you can. Hell, you should.
You can luxuriate in the knowledge that one of your mates is having an absolutely horrific time. Because there’s always one. The pressure to perform is so astronomically stifling that someone is bound to buckle under the weight. Last year, a friend of mine got so stressed out before dinner with her new partner that she proceeded to get absolutely battered. Halfway through the meal, she went to the bog to curl one off, and then shouted “HEY! DON’T GO IN TRAP THREE, IT FUCKING STINKS IN THERE” across the restaurant at her paramour. When they were finally poured out of the taxi back to hers, she ended the night by collapsing on her bed and pissing herself. I think they’re still together, which proves that Love does indeed conquer all.
Tonight is the best pulling night of the year. Without question. Even more so than New Years Eve. For one night a year, all the proper pubs in town who aren’t ramming Valentines Day down anyone’s throats will be full of people who are absolutely, 100%, no-two-ways-about-it single. The amount of women I’ve met this week who are vowing to go out on a mission tonight with all their other single mates is astounding.
So, whatever you're doing, and whoever you're doing it with - if at all - have a lovely VD from all at Todger Talk.