Tuesday, 26 February 2008

‘Mr Sex’: Time for some Spring Cleaning

Yeah, I know it’s still winter and the nights are still depressingly early and it’s absolutely bitter, but the sun is out, next door’s cat is spark out on the garden table, the blossoms are tentatively on the bough, and I’m thinking “Fuck it – time to talk about getting them pubes trimmed”

Putting all the Metrosexuality bollocks aside, there’s a lot to be said for pubic topiary. Thanks to the eradication of what some would call ‘70s bush’, and what we in the porn industry used to call ‘fannies like monkey’s faces’, we now live in a world where you can actually go down on a lady without feeling like you’re snogging a Geography teacher. So it’s only the decent thing to sort out the Sherwood Forest down your trousers, so they don’t feel like they’re headbutting Jermaine Jackson circa 1972 over and over.

Even better than that, trimmed or shaven bits are pretty damn sensual. If you have an erogenous zone, surely the prudent thing is to expose it as much as possible, right? And more importantly, a well-kept thatch can put as much as an extra optical inch on your nob, without having to arse about with pills, weights, and all that other shit that doesn’t work.

Obviously, this is something you’re going to want to do yourself, because you won’t be able to nip to the barbers, point at a black-and-white photo of some bloke’s junk, and say “Ooh, that one, please”. Yes, you could get your partner to do it, but you’ll only feel like you’re being prepared for a vasectomy, which isn’t exactly one of the most erotic role-play scenarios I can think of (and there’s also the option of going somewhere for a Back, Crack and Sack. No? Me neither).

Here’s what you need to get rid of your Groinfro for the first time;

A trimmer or clippers (not your flatmate’s or your Dad’s, please, and definitely not a standard shaver with the rotating head-things)

A new razor

A bit of newspaper

Somewhere private, preferably the bathroom

A lot of time

1) The first thing you need is an idea of what you want, the time and determination to stick to it, and the acceptance that you could just go for a tuppenny all-off if it goes tits-up.

2) Next, spread newspaper on floor, get kit off, turn clippers on and gently trim away at the area above your nob. Voila! There’s your extra inch! Feel free to spend the next half an hour or having a good look at it in the mirror, taking photos of it on your mobile, etc.

3) If that’s all you’re bothered about, make sure you don’t forget to trim the side bits to match, whizz it round your cobblers a bit until you’re happy, and you’re done. Now get them pubes in a bin and get a shower.

4) If you’re after something a bit more porn-starish, get in the shower (which, if you have a waterproof trimmer, you should have been from the off), and apply your cream or gel. WARNING: if you have sensitive skin and get allergic reactions from creams when you’re shaving your face, imagine how bad it’ll be down there.

5) You won’t realise how much hair you have down there (and in a bewildering range of nooks and crannies) until you shave for the first time, so expect to be in there for quite some time. Go slowly – unless the lot is coming off, one slip can cock it all up, or worse.

6) If you’re shaving your balls (and you should, because it feels mint afterwards and your girl will be more interested in them), go even slower and more carefully than before. You will find everything much easier to shave when you’re bonked up, as it’s out the way and your scrotum tightens up – and if you can manage that with a razor on your genitals, you’re a better man than I.

7) When you’re done, wash the area properly, and then go and touch it every thirty seconds for the rest of the day. Because you know you’re going to.

Right, here’s the downsides; for starters, it’s a bastard to maintain. Men who shave their bits for the first time discover that within a couple of days, when the stubble grows back, it prickles like buggery. What’s more, it’s going to get a bit pimply, too. In short, if you don’t maintain it, you’re going to have genitals that look like Adrian Mole for a bit. And if you’re single and have the tuppenny all-off, it’s inevitable that after a week or so, you’re going to meet an absolutely stunning girl and take her home, only for her to say “What have you done that for? Have you had crabs?”, and then bombard you with accusatory texts for a week when you’ve given her stubble rash. You have been warned.


Frank said...

Hey Guys,

Some additional advice to the good points in this column:

When shaving balls the first time, make sure you trim of long hairs before you use the blade.

Don't be afraid to use some bodylotion afterwards, it feels good and makes things smooth.

Try not to shave every day, but do it regularly. This way rash/itch/etc has the elast change to f up your day.

Good luck.
And yes, it will be appreciated by most woman!

Anonymous said...

Thanks Todger Talk, this is without doubt the most informative and clear article on the subject I have ever read.

I've been shaving my ladybits bare for some time now and recently I suggested that my manshape do something about his down-belows. We've not tried it all off yet as he's scared of the razor, but I'm sure we will soon. The trimming alone though makes a hell of a difference in terms of how good it feels for both of us, and how good it looks.

We did with scissors though as we don't have a trimmer. Managed to get a *fairly* close trim, ish. And you can bet he was petrified the whole time :P

Can I ask a slightly odd question? Your advice here, how easy is it to follow one-handed?

Anonymous said...

What are people's opinions on hair -removing creams? I've read conflicting reviews about their effectiveness.

Are they safe?Do they work?If so, do they work better than shaving/trimming?What about re-growth?Cost?

Enquiring minds want to know :-)

B.E. Earl said...

I like to man-scape just as much as the next fella, but applying razor to balls is where I draw the line.

Tried it once a bunch of years ago and it was just too freaky of an experience for me.

lady lush said...

for the person who asked about hair removal creams - they're my preferred method of hair removal for my lady bits because it makes removing hair from hard to reach places a lot easier. I find I still need to go over it with a razor afterwards on a few bits where it hasn't gone perfect, but overall I like it best, it's quickest and easiest.

Dandelion said...

Dear Single Heterosexual Men

Please do not shave your bollocks unless you really want to for your own personal pleasure.

Do not assume that shaved bollocks is what women prefer. This woman finds the very idea positively upsetting. Ditto for totally bald genitals.

What's wrong with a bit of a trim to neaten things up and leave it at that?

Your bollocks are fine as they are. Chill.

Anonymous said...

Its great that you've shared this essential advice with the Todger talk readers. My man keeps his trim as a matter of personal choice (past boyfriends ive had to enlighten), but he is totally masculine and not even the hint of a metrosexual. I love it, its looks hot- BUT i would recommend just trimming and leaving a short haired look- some hair on a man is very masculine and preferred to porn star look. Just my opinion.

Tom Thumb said...

hiya....I first shaved my bollocks for my vasectomy and found blade on balls isn't to precarious. Now I shave my balls and base of my cock about once a mouth.

Makes no difference to the Mrs, but the girlfriend loves rollingher tongueround my bald balls.

Might consider trimming my groin now. Only problem is showering with the lads after sport might lead to somepiss take.

Anonymous said...

I'm with Dandelion on this one. The gentleman with whom I currently enjoy an intimate acquaintance shaved his balls the other week. It felt bizarre, utterly unlike a scrotum; very off-putting and totally unerotic. The fact that he'd done it in an attempt to persuade me to denude my own bush backfired completely.

I really don't understand this current obsession with removing pubic hair. As far as I'm concerned, it signals someone who's consuming too much porn and has lost touch with the sensuality and eroticism of real women. I love having my bush stroked and gently tugged and played with...

No objections to lightly trimmed pubes, but guys, if you want lots of blowjobs, the best thing you can do is keep your undercarriage nice and clean and shiny.

Dandelion said...

I think I'm with Anonymous on this one. It smacks of viewing porn as some sort of ideal to aspire to, and not the often bizarre, twisted and exploitative aberration of the eroticism of real and mutual sex that it actually is - regardless of how enjoyable one may find it.

I would not want a partner that bore any resemblance to a porn star, thank you very much, and I personally think there's something a bit wrong with someone (male or female) that would.

The whole point of porn is that it is fake and shallow. Which may be why so many people who watch it nevertheless find it so unsatisfying, and ironically so often unsexy.

JL said...

Not likely to ever do that. If I did, it would be due to a partner's preference and no other reason.

And even then...

~~Silk said...

No no no! Please! I like my men furry. Rubbing against the fur at the base WORKS for me. Tickles the lady bits.

Whisker burn on my chin is bad - whisker burn on a more sensitive area would be worse.

What's with the push for men to look like like little boys? I want my man to look like a grown-up MAN, and to be proud of his masculinity!

ladypandorah said...

Me and my Mister did once try hair-removal cream on his wobbly bits. It worked really well and although we didn't repeat this it was very smooth and lovely to feel - especially if your nose is easily tickled by fuzz.

He found that the regrowth wasn't too prickly or anything, so in this respect I would promote this method over shaving with a razor if you are wanting to try it.

Lily Lane said...

I laughed at the reference to headbutting Jermaine Jackson!!

I've had excellent reviews of my deep-throating skills, and I love to do it - unless I'm getting buried in bush every time I try, in which case forget about it.

Pubes around the cock are nice to look at but keep them short and neat. And naked balls feel lovely in my mouth... :-)

Lauren said...

thought I'd share some good stuff, blogger - to - blogger

bloggers can get free coffee!!!

Angela-la-la said...

As mother to 3, both post- and pubescent children, all of whom relish and celebrate every new pubic hair, this subject makes me laugh.

And then wonder... When did we stop being proud of our pubes? What happened in society that made the physical signs of maturity become decidedly unsexy? I'm not sure that I like the answers to those questions.

Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah.

Bald is boyish, tidy is titillating.

Now, how can I subtly email this post to my Yorkshire born, ex-RAF, ex-rugby playing, heavy metal loving don't you fooking dare call me metrosexual, you're lucky I shave round my goatee, woman! type boyfriend..?

Frank said...

For all of you who think shaved & trimmed has no value, please try the following:

Shave one armpit. Leave the other one bushy. Take a shower. Now let your partner kiss and/or softly blow both pits.

Which side did your parner enjoy playing with most? Wich side had the most effect on you?

And imo if you trim the pubes north of you dick fairly short, and keep the rest short/shaved and don't look manly enough anymore, you might want to try see the inside of a gym :-)

Ofcourse, feel free to do as you/your partner prefers. But here in Amsterdam I've noticed a major preference for well trimmed men by women under the age of 40.

Good luck.

Anonymous said...

I have to admit to a bit of devilry- my man was very much against hair removal around his bits but, well, he annoyed me one day so when he was drunk on vodka I persuaded him to do it (he's very easily led when drunk)... He loves it! As per the karma sutra it gets re-done every week to 10 days and it makes for a perfectly choke-free mouthful! He is a very masculine bloke and loves the extra blow jobs he now receives!

As for the hair removal cream... trim first if very long and moisturise well afterwards for a lovely soft finish.

moo said...

Personally I think it's great when blokes are groomed down there, especialy shaved balls. But no pubes... please no!

monkey said...

OK, i have shaved and trimmed a few times on and off and like commented after a while it does become rather uncomfortable so you will need to keep up with maintaining them. no man should really spend that much time concerned with shaving ones balls!!
The downsides i find is the itch, my god for a few days the reason why you keep touching them is because you need to itch. this will draw attention to your balls for all the wrong reasons.
also during sex if your partner shaves to then at some point during the week you may both have a bit of stubble and when these two surfaces start to rub together it will BURN!!!! oh my god and that shit really hurts. you will applie so much lube half way through you session they could end up sliding off each other.
this in turn will cause a little rash and hurt for some time, so sex will be off because it hurts and shaving will be off because that hurts, so you will have to then wait till it all grows back.
so if you really want to shave ya balls consider this and just take a light trim.
oh yeah dont bother with newspaper just stand over the toilet and flush those bad boys away, the worst thing you want is anyone finding a newspaper full of cock hair in ya house.

Angela-la-la said...

No, monkey, no! Standing over the toilet? With the aiming skills of the average bloke? Eww!

Use the newspaper. You score environmental points if you flick the hair out the window for birds to use in their nests and recycle the paper.

monkey said...

i like your thinking it a way of giving something back to the environment i feel all at one with nature now.

...Nessy... said...

What's with the whole referring to the porn industry when talking about clean bits and bobs?
Since I was at high school, I started removing my own hair, because I hated having ugly hair in my panties.
Shaving was a bitch, and used to make me cry when it would start to grow back because it was so uncomfortable.
For the past three or four years, I've been waxing... and my God! It feels amazing... especially using warm wax... The heat kind of numbs the skin, so you don't feel much.

With guys, I prefer them to be trimmed very neatly, or totally clean.
Possibly, due to the experience of having my hand shoved down my first boyfriend's pants. He had a jungle.
...I didn't go near him since that day, and to this day, I can't bring myself to go near willy's that are hairy.

Nottingham's 'Mr Sex' said...

What's with the whole referring to the porn industry when talking about clean bits and bobs?

Because that's the only time most straight men get to gawk at other male bittage.

Anonymous said...

Um, none of you Todger Talk types seem to have answered my completely serious question about this post. Perhaps you thought I was joking or something, I wasn't. So, how easy is it to do all this sorta one-handed?

Nottingham's 'Mr Sex' said...


All of the stuff done with a trimmer can easily be done with one hand. Close shaving above the genital area is a bit harder but do-able. Close shaving anywhere underneath is not advisable at all, as you're gonna need another hand to get the junkage out of the way.

Sorry for the wait, hope we were of help.