Monday, 8 December 2008

Sex Toy Review: The Puma Swede Lotus Fleshlight

Yes, I know; we’ve been here before. But these things are so damned popular that they’re becoming a victim of their own success - if I see a torch in anyone’s house, I automatically assume it’s a Fleshlight (and I hope me Dad will start talking to me before the 25th, or me Mam will kick off at me for ruining Xmas again) – and when they bring out new variations on a ridiculously successful theme, I feel I would be letting the side down if I didn't chuck in me tuppence. Or anything else.

I assume you know all about the Fleshlight (and if you don’t, look at this before you do anything else), and you feel that there’s little more to be said about them. But look at these. They’re special. Not only do they contain the actual molding of a porn star’s flange (I chose Puma Swede, mainly because she sounded like a sports vegetable), but they’ve even got their signatures embossed on the side, as if said porn stars were self-harming, but in an extremely egotistical manner. And hark at the blurb!

"Hi, I'm Puma Swede and I'm from Sweden - ever have Swedish pussy before? If you haven't let me tell you - it's the best there is. Don't take my word for it, come fuck my Puma Swede Fleshlight and you'll see for yourself. I know after you're done, you'll be saying what all the other guys say: "Swede is all I need..." Can't wait for you to fuck me!"

Awr. Me neither, Puma. But until then, I’ll have a go on this fanny in a torch.

You Will Also Need: The obligatory shitload of lube, and some tissues. Although most of your spendings will go into the torch, there is the risk of splashback over your best jumper when you withdraw, resulting in you having to rinse it under the tap, resulting in you looking like you’ve pissed yourself, resulting in you holding said damp spot under the drier in the works toilets, looking like you’ve just pissed yourself.

Looks like: Someone’s fanny. In a torch. As I’ve mentioned before, I really don’t get the idea of porn-star minge-moulding. As a friend of mine once said; “When you’ve seen one fanny, you’ve seen them all,” and, after putting aside the fact that he was 14 when he said that, in the playground, and he actually hadn’t seen anyone’s fanny yet, he sort of had a vague point when it comes to this sort of thing. Do people actually hold their Puma Swede Fleshlights up to the telly when they’re watching some grot, and exclaim; “Hang on a minute! This looks nowt like! I’ve been skanked!”? Personally, if it was an accurate recreation of the bits of some girl in the pub that I fancied, or the woman on the local news, my interest would be a bit more piqued. And then I'd be disgusted with myself.

Also, it has to be said that the colour scheme leaves a lot to be desired. I felt like I was having sex with one of those fake ice creams made of marshmallows that they sell in Greggs. Never mind sticking me cock in: I wanted to put a Flake in there.

Feels like: This is where all negatives are obliterated. Not content with tampering with the colour scheme and the moulding, they’ve even tinkered with the inside. Now there’s a new insert – called the Lotus – that is a rollercoaster for the todge. Like all proper male sex toys, it doesn’t feel like a shag, but nor does it feel like a wank. It’s a Third Way, people. This is what Tony Blair was going on about, I believe.

Clean-up: The great thing about Fleshlights is they’re easy to de-grot. Unfortunately, they’re just as easy to forget about, meaning that you leave them in the bathroom of a shared house all day, and only remember when you’re at work, causing you to emit an involuntary animal cry of doom-laden realisation, and everyone turns to look at you. Ahem.

Partner compatibility: Minimal, unless your missus gets turned on by you shagging household items. Having said that, some women I know would love to see their partners having a go on the fully see-though version.

Pros: Put aside the celebrity endorsement, and it’s still a Fleshlight with a new bumpy ride.

Cons: They completely missed a trick with the casing that would have made it even more personal: by making it look like an exact replica of the actual torch Puma Swede has in her own utility cupboard. God, that would have been amazing.

The Puma Swede Lotus Fleshlight, £49.99, kindly provided by


kingmasturbator said...

A new fleshlight with Puma's private part. Who would not want to have a fleshlight like this. This blog tells a lot about fleshlight hope this coming holiday someone would give me

Sylvie said...

I don't understand why Swedish pussy is supposed to be awesome?

Daring said...

I....kinda wanna see the clear version.

KensingtonLaddie said...

This is insane as an idea.

buy generic viagra said...

Can you explain me how to clean that toy, is very difficult to me due its shape.

Puma Swede Fleshlight said...

I have used the original Puma Swede Fleshlight a couple of times. It was nice but since then better Fleshlights have come out (ex:

However, this summer (2012) a new Puma Swede Fleshlight will come out and I'm very much looking forward to it. Hope you get a chance to try it out as well!

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