Well well well, it's about that time that I stuck me chatty little hand into the box under the bed marked 'Mr Sex's Happy Crate' and pulled out another sex toy. And Christ on a crisp packet, what's this I've got here? None other than the mouth and nose of some Japanese porn stumpet I've never heard of. And it's translucent. Cor!
Instruction Sample: Er, I dunno, because I lobbed the box. I know it had some mad Janglish cobblers, like "Penis go fizzy at a lovely mouthy happenings!" or summat like that.
You Will Also Need: Lube, and plenty of it. And some tissues, as your tadge goes all the way through, if you know what I mean and I think you do.
Looks like: Erm, that. Once again, this toy falls headlong into the trap of trying to look realistic, which only makes you realise how unrealistic it is. Yes, it sort of looks like whatsername, were it not for the fact that her head has been shrunk down, she's got no eyes, forehead, ears or chin, and she looks like she's made out of a really squidgy Fox's Glacier Mint. Actually, it looks like something else entirely; I like to spice up the action by playing this as I slowly and teasingly bring it towards my proud gentleman.
Feels like: It's your common-or-garden wank-sleeve, people. The red bit in the middle is a ribbed shaft that feels very decent indeed. The downside (or bonus, depending on your point of view) is the translucency; it magnifies everything, only for your less impressive-looking bell-end to pop out like a purple strawberry. So while you're glopping away, your mind is screaming; "OH MY GOD MY COCK LOOKS MASSIVE! Oh.OH MY GOD MY COCK LOOKS MASSIVE! Oh.OH MY GOD MY COCK LOOKS MASSIVE! Oh."
Clean-Up: If you've planned ahead and issued the tissues (and are therefore not having to wash your shirt/wipe down ceiling/hit quilt with toffee hammer), it's piss-easy: stick it under the tap and you're done. Even better, if you stick the mouth in the tap and pinch the end, you can make it sneer like Elvis.
Partner Compatibility: Pretty decent, if she's got some mad allergy that makes her hand swell up like a balloon if she touches your nob. And great for shark-related bathtime fun!
Pros: Very good, compact wank-shark with a bit of ribbing.
Cons: Looks bleddy mental. You wouldn't want it to fall out of your bag on the bus and roll down the aisle.
the Miho Maeshima Realistic Japanese Masturbator, £14.99, lovehoney.co.uk