Saturday, 6 March 2010

Sex Toy Review: The Sex Counter

Just over two years into doing sex toy reviews, and we're already having a bang on the cock rings. Oh dear. How soon us chaps burn out.

Now then,  I'm guessing we're all au fait with cock rings and what they do, yes? If you never tried one out, all I need to say is that; a) yes, they work very well at keeping the blood in and allowing our dingly-danglies to stay nice and bulbous when we need 'em to (because sometimes, to paraphrase Beyonce, if you want it, you really have gotta put a ring on it)  and b) no matter how different they look - be they simple bits of thonginess to elaborate cockular confections, they're all pretty much of a muchness. While we highly recommend the ones with the vibratory bits attached (mainly because they give your partner the chance to grind down upon you cowgirl style, and give off the impression that you're wearing this for her pleasure, and not your necessity), essentially there's nothing massively fun about 'em.

Until now.

On first impression, the Sex Counter is every mildly OCD male's dream product. Whether we like it or not, us chaps are horribly prone to boiling down our sexual performance down to the numbers - usually inches and notches. Thanks to this little puppy, we can now add a third equation; thrusts. Yes, as you've surmised from that picture, the Sex Counter is a nifty pedometer bolted onto a cock ring. Now you can triumphantly stomp into a bar where your recent ex is bitching about you to her mates, throw it on the table, and bellow; "I'M THREE HUNDRED AND THIRTY TWO PUMPS AND A SQUIRT, ACTUALLY"

Instruction Sample: Evidently, the packaging blurb was written by someone freelancing from his regular job of copywriting mentalist Janglish t-shirt slogans. "You have your sexual experience, but do you remembered how hard you tried? Is this the coolest product beckoned you?"

You will also need: Some semblance of a bonk-on.

Looks like: a late 70s girlie digital watch, for a cat.

Feels like: Sad to say, a very flimsy cock ring. I mean, look at the thinness of the ringy bit; if your pubes are the least bit stubbly, you're going to worry about snapping it. I already clocked over 100 'thrusts' just by trying to put the bastard thing on.

Clean-up: This is where the product falls on its arse, alas. According to Janglish Copywriting Man, you're only supposed to use it once, and then lob it. Yes, that buttony bit at the top isn't a reset button; it's supposed to be a clit-teaser. I'm sorry, but I was looking forward to marking my progress on a massive chart over my bed until I finally managed to fill out all five figures on the display, and possibly even clock it, like you used to do on Pac-Man to impress your mates in the chip shop back in the day.  According to a customer review in Lovehoney, however, you can get more than one go out of it with careful cleaning (it's not waterproof), but it's prone to conking out before you do. Hmph.

Partner compatibility: Could be an aid in the battle against premature splodging, mainly because you're going to be thinking about nothing but your score, and possibly even stopping every now and then to have a look at it.

Pros: It's a bit of fun, and adds a whole new dimension to male sexual performance-related paranoia...

Cons: ...but it's essentially a one-shot deal. Hopefully, this is just the start; what I want is something a lot more durable, with built-in features such as a beep every 100 thrusts, a stopwatch facility, a Glow function for night-time use, and a 'Tamacrotchi' feature where a big chunky dinosaur in lingerie demands to be 'fed' by different positions, and then rubs its belly and does a little stompy dance when you've made your partner have an orgasm.

The Sex Counter, was £5 until they ran out of stock, lovehoney.co.uk
















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5 comments:

Lyric said...

The creators clearly should have consulted with you before they went on the market with this.

badgerdaddy said...

Shame it wasn't 633, then you could have boasted something about having a squadron named after your prowess.

Or something.

Anonymous said...

One use only? Think of the planet!

Anonymous said...

Now if only they think of a way to combine that with that Pokewalker pedometer type thing...we'll all be doomed.

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