Yes, it's up-the-arse time again, but this one is a bit special. For a kick-off, it's dead expensive - nearly a hundred quid. Secondly, there's a stainless steel ball that rolls up and down the old perineum. Thirdly - and the title might be a bit of a giveaway - it vibrates. And it's ribbed. And did I mention the opportunity to stick a hundred pounds up your arse?
You will also need: An Olympic-sized swimming pool of lube. Also, if it's your first time, a towel on the bed, loads of tissues, and a wardrobe that you can slide over the door. And maybe some sandwiches and crisps and summat to read - it's going to take some time to do it properly.
Looks like: a broken-off bit of Conan the Barbarian’s sword.
Feels like: Due to the ribbiness, it's a very cautious procedure getting it in (but at least you know it's not gonna slip out and skitter across the floor). Once in, it was more comfortable than I ever thought it was going to be – until I clenched and the ball-bearing kicked in. Yoink. As for the Vibrations, they're surprisingly relaxing, coming as they do in waves. Apparently, which practise, you can attain a very strong orgasm by just clenching (leaving both hands free to read the paper, or play Football Manager), but you'll have to experiment for yourself.
Clean-up: A quick scrub under a hot tap'll do yer.
Partner Compatibility: Depends if your partner is up for ramming something up your jacksie. They usually are, though, aren't they?
Pros: It's pricey, and a bit intimidating, but it's the best on the market. Maybe not the best one for a newcomer - the Rude Boy would be the ideal first choice - but it's dead, dead, dead good.
Cons: It takes a 6-volt battery, which means you'll be traipsing round town looking for somewhere that sells em, until you find out that the only place that does is the bloke who has a stall in town twice a week, and then when you approach him you find out it costs a fortune, and then he says 'What do you need it for, anyway?' and you say you don't know because it's for a mate, and you'll come back when you have the money, and you never do because you're scared.
Nexus Vibro Ribbed, £99.45, kindly provided by www.sextoys.co.uk
Adapted from Boy's Toys, Scarlet magazine (March issue) – www.ScarletMagazine.co.uk