Looks like: You'll note that there's no image at the top of the post, mainly because I don't want our office-bound readers to recoil in terror and throw their coats over their monitors, so the link is here. As you can see, it depends on your emotional outlook, really. Part of me thinks 'Ooh! Naughty cake from the new M&S stag do range', while my more timid side is thinking; ' Shitting hell fire - I have a dismembered torso under my bed'.
Feels like: When I got it out of the box, I spent the first ten minutes gingerly poking it, feeling like I was 15 again. By the time I finally copped a handful, they felt just a bit too firm and a tad unrealistic - like partially frozen Play-Doh. Just like a real tit job, then (soz Jenna). I spent the next half hour with them pressed against my chest, cupping myself whilst watching Jeremy Kyle, which was most relaxing. As an executive stress toy, they get very high marks indeed.
It was only when I repaired to the boudoir that things started to go awry. For starters, what's the use of giving Jenna Jameson a pearl necklace when she doesn't even have a neck? The second problem was, for want of several better words, getting a purchase on them. When laid flat on the bed, I found myself poking at thin air. Tried propping them on a cushion. Still too low. Three cushions. Still too low. By the fourth cushion, I felt like I was part of a particularly grotesque version of It's A Knockout, and there was lube all over the place, but I was finally in position.Which was when Problem Three rose its ugly, big-titted head. Consider the dilemma; when you are getting a milkshake off your partner, what does she do with her hands? Exactly - she pushes her baps round your chap. My version of Jenna has no hands (or arms, or head). Therefore, unless you have the girth of an Arctic Roll, you might as well be having penetrative sex with a hula hoop.
Instruction sample: “Do not attempt to warm this product in a microwave or conventional oven”
You will also need: lube, and severe tunnel vision
Clean-up: If you can actually attain orgasm from this, it’s a simple rinse-down, as long as you get it on her tits. If not, you’re either going to ruin your wank mag or laptop, or will have to use a toffee hammer to get under your quilt at night.
Partner Compatibility: “Er, could you just put this on your chest and slap it round me cock, please?”
Pros: It’s breast-shaped. And nothing breast-shaped is ever completely useless.
Cons: It's another prime example of the male sex toy maxim that reads; 'the more real it looks, the more horrible it is'. Would have been nice to have had a built-in radio, so you could have got more use out of the nipples (left, on and volume, right, tuning). Still, it makes an absolutely brilliant letter rack.
Jenna Perfect Pair, £119.95, kindly provided by http://www.sextoys.co.uk/
Adapted from Boy's Toys, Scarlet magazine (March issue) – www.ScarletMagazine.co.uk