Tuesday, 22 April 2008

Sex Toy Review: Jenna Perfect Pair

Tits: skill, aren't they? And, to my mind, a very neglected part of the male sex toy world. It's all very well having three serviceable orifices, but what of that other exotic pleasure known to the connoisseur as the soapy tit-wank? Fear not, for Jenna Jameson - the recently-retired Queen of all places where men squirrel away grot - was kind enough to have her jubblies cast in the finest UR3 for this rather fetching, um, thing. So shall we have a bang on it, readers? Yes, I think we should...

Looks like: You'll note that there's no image at the top of the post, mainly because I don't want our office-bound readers to recoil in terror and throw their coats over their monitors, so the link is here. As you can see, it depends on your emotional outlook, really. Part of me thinks 'Ooh! Naughty cake from the new M&S stag do range', while my more timid side is thinking; ' Shitting hell fire - I have a dismembered torso under my bed'.

Feels like: When I got it out of the box, I spent the first ten minutes gingerly poking it, feeling like I was 15 again. By the time I finally copped a handful, they felt just a bit too firm and a tad unrealistic - like partially frozen Play-Doh. Just like a real tit job, then (soz Jenna). I spent the next half hour with them pressed against my chest, cupping myself whilst watching Jeremy Kyle, which was most relaxing. As an executive stress toy, they get very high marks indeed.

It was only when I repaired to the boudoir that things started to go awry. For starters, what's the use of giving Jenna Jameson a pearl necklace when she doesn't even have a neck? The second problem was, for want of several better words, getting a purchase on them. When laid flat on the bed, I found myself poking at thin air. Tried propping them on a cushion. Still too low. Three cushions. Still too low. By the fourth cushion, I felt like I was part of a particularly grotesque version of It's A Knockout, and there was lube all over the place, but I was finally in position.

Which was when Problem Three rose its ugly, big-titted head. Consider the dilemma; when you are getting a milkshake off your partner, what does she do with her hands? Exactly - she pushes her baps round your chap. My version of Jenna has no hands (or arms, or head). Therefore, unless you have the girth of an Arctic Roll, you might as well be having penetrative sex with a hula hoop.

Instruction sample: “Do not attempt to warm this product in a microwave or conventional oven”

You will also need: lube, and severe tunnel vision

Clean-up: If you can actually attain orgasm from this, it’s a simple rinse-down, as long as you get it on her tits. If not, you’re either going to ruin your wank mag or laptop, or will have to use a toffee hammer to get under your quilt at night.

Partner Compatibility: “Er, could you just put this on your chest and slap it round me cock, please?”

Pros: It’s breast-shaped. And nothing breast-shaped is ever completely useless.

Cons: It's another prime example of the male sex toy maxim that reads; 'the more real it looks, the more horrible it is'. Would have been nice to have had a built-in radio, so you could have got more use out of the nipples (left, on and volume, right, tuning). Still, it makes an absolutely brilliant letter rack.

Jenna Perfect Pair, £119.95, kindly provided by http://www.sextoys.co.uk/

Adapted from Boy's Toys, Scarlet magazine (March issue) – www.ScarletMagazine.co.uk


Anna said...

Oh bless... you can see what they're trying to do! No, not won over by this one.

Brandy said...

Every time I look into our "toy box" I feel sorry for my lover (and all men) because mine greatly out-number his. I have tried on occasion to shop for more toys for him, but alas, there just isn't much to choose from.

Amb. said...

This post just had me cracking up!

Angela-la-la said...

You really do give the best reviews over here. I certainly won't be buying this for my man.

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Great treatment of the topic, congrats!

viagra online said...

Why you bought this stuff ? do you have a partner ? Are you forever alone ? anyway nice review about this strange product.

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