Wednesday, 28 May 2008

Sex Toy Review: The Monkey Spanker

Sorry if I sound a bit snippy here, but of all the sex toys I've reviewed so far, this one has pissed me off the most. Not because it's rubbish, but because I invented the bastard six months ago before it even knew it existed. I was lying in bed, thinking about a sex toy for men no-one's done yet, and I thought, hm...hoopy thing on a waggle it like fuck...this time next year, I'll be a millionaire. Sadly, I've been beaten to it. Even more sadly, it goes to show how badly my sex life has gone to shit, if I'm reduced to fantasising about new ways of having a wank, for God's sake.

Offering a new and improved take on the art of the Hand Shandy, the Monkey Spanker is a stretchy, vibrating diaphanous tube that forms a seal round your dick. Yes, you may look like a Korean table-tennis champion on human growth hormone while you're using it, but not as much as you feel like one. Maybe you and a mate could liven up a dull Tuesday evening by thrashing away at yourselves with one each while you veer from side to side found the dining table, Forget I spoke.

You Will Also Need: Lube, lube, lube.

Instruction Sample: “We cannot be held responsible for unwanted pregnancies or any STDs”

Looks like: Again, congrats to the male sex toy makers of today, for creating something that looks nothing like a sex toy. Only the vibrating bullet that clips into the handle gives it away. Otherwise, it's crying out to be dipped into a bucket of soapy water and blown through, don't you think?

Feels like: A very tight thing indeed. Takes quite a while to get the hang of. If you use too much lube, it creates a rather gunky paste. If you don't use enough, it's a bit chafey.

Clean-up: As there’s no spoff reservoir, cleaning up the Monkey Spanker is piss-easy. Cleaning up your shirt or the bedding might not be.

Partner Compatibility: Very high indeed. Ladies, if you’ve ever wanted to do your partner with a toy without shoving one of yours up his arse, this is something you need to get hold of. Combine it with a blow job (whilst trying not to repeatedly bash yourself in the nose, of course), and he’ll be putty in your hands. If you've ever wanted to develop a different strain of RSI, here's your chance, girls!

Pros: It’s a wank that feels like someone else is doing it without having to lie on your arm for half an hour.

Cons: If you don’t use enough lube, it’s a bit too cheese-gratery. And please, male sex toy industry - try to move away from the vibrating angle, please. To us, vibrations round the groinal area don't imply as much erotic splendour as they do for women; for us, they bring to mind things like sitting on a bus, using a jigsaw on a workbench, or being trimmed just before a vasectomy.

(oh, and I was going to call my invention the 'Cock-A-Hoop'. It's just not fair)

The Monkey Spanker, £17.99, kindly provided by
Adapted from Boy's Toys, Scarlet magazine (March issue) –


BenefitScroungingScum said...

Monkey Spanker: No toy more likely to induce masculine bum play!
Bendy Girl

Brian said...

Am I the only male wondering how it really works? Is that hole really supposed to fit over you knob while you thrash away? :-/

Nottingham's 'Mr Sex' said...

Ah, yes. Like I said, it's dead diaphanous and stretchy. It fits, trust me.

Anonymous said...

You just cum in it?
I mean, when you get an orgasm, you just ejaculate while the spanker is on?

Anonymous said...

I tried to use it. The batteries went flat so quickly, so I thought to order new ones, which went flat just as quickly. I've never been able to have an orgasm using this toy, so won't recommend it to anyone.

Anonymous said...

Hi Anonymous, sounds like you got a dodgy vibrator mine last for ages on one set and get's me off every time. ;-)

Ryan Boyles said...

The monkey spanker is great for those relationships who want to try new things to spice-up their bed times.

-Ryan| sex toys Philippines

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Anonymous said...

Just threw my Monkey Spanker in the dusy bin. After a short while dark patches of mould forms around the two small holes, one on the outside and one in the centre. These probably make a cushion like effect, but unfortunately suck in fluid along the way. There is no way the remove this mould. Tried injecting cleaning alcohol which dislodges only a few sticky lumps of mould. Avoid. There is no way of avoiding this.