Sex Toy Review: The Xtreme Optimum Vertical Power Stroker

You thought the Triffid up the arse was the scariest sex toy in the Todger Talk cupboard? Ha. Look at this bastard. Now imagine it moving. Up and down. Very quickly. Eek.

This none-more-90’s-sounding wanking machine (and Whoa! It's so EXTREME, Dude, that it doesn't even need an 'E') is intimidating as fuck. Not only does it sound like something the Power Rangers would use on their day off (if they could get out of their catsuits), but it takes four C batteries. Four! That's enough to power a decent-sized Third World village, for Christ's sake! The premise is simple and promising enough; a Turbo-Wank of the type you used to be able to give yourself when you were 15, and then stare in awe at the size of your Popeye-like forearm afterwards.

Instruction Sample: “Any product use for medical purpose or that has an adverse effect on any function of the body is prohibited”

Looks like: A miniature Tombola machine.

Feels like: You’re being molested by an industrial milking machine. Not to say that’s a particularly bad thing, but it takes a long time to get comfortable with. To fully enjoy the sensations this machine can provide, you need a) the girth of a French stick, b) some earplugs (as it makes the kind of racket that could wake up the entire street if your window was open), and c) the tolerance and patience not to inwardly scream "I AM NOT A COW! I AM A MAAAANNNNN!"

Clean-up: Detach the noduled Senso© Shaft, turn it inside-out, give it a rinse, put it back in the milker, put back in box, bury as far down in wheelie bin as possible, make sure you're out when bin men come round.

Partner Compatibility: You might as well go out shopping or something when this is on.

Pros: It's supposed to be hands-free, but it isn't; you need one hand to grab the massive speed-control-thing, and another to keep the milker balanced on your lap.

Cons: Bit noisy. Bit bulky. Bit scary.

Xtreme Optimum Power Vertical Turbo Stroker, £68.95.

Adapted from Boy's Toys, Scarlet magazine (March issue) – www.ScarletMagazine.co.uk