EEEEEK! GET IT THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME! NOW! NOW! NOW!
That, my friends, was my initial reaction to the Adam & Eve Vibrating Pro 5 prostate massager when it arrived - or quite possibly slithered - through the letterbox the other day. I mean, just look at it. If HR Giger designed sex toys, this would be the result. If you were round someone's house and saw that in a plant pot, you wouldn't want to be in the same room as the bastard, would you? So before we go into this review, I want you to all remember the following; next time I come out with a rubbish, unsatisfactory post, or say something you violently disagree with, never forget that on his 40th birthday, 'Mr Sex' devoted a large portion of his day writing about shoving a Triffid up his arse, for you.
Looks like: Well, it looks like that. There's no getting round it; this is possibly the most terrifying-looking sex toy I've ever come across. And that's saying a lot.
You will also need: Two AA batteries, and enough lube to be able to pull a grown man out of the slot of a postbox. Warning: this is a bit thicker than the average prostate-prodder, and definitely not the ideal starter for the novice. You know those noises an orangutan involuntary makes when they lower themself into a bath that's too hot, while various ill-advised plugged-in electrical equipment teeters precariously on the side? That's the sound I was making.
Instruction Sample: Not much in the way of advice. It has to be said that the packaging was extremely non-heterosexual. It's one thing having a photo of some bloke on the front, but did they really have to put his name on an'all?
Does it work? After all the mither, and the obligatory ten minute period when you try to forget the fact that you have a coil of electrical flex up your arse, you discover that it's pretty damn effective. The perenium and other bit arms can actually be adjusted, and feel like the arms of the Six Million Dollar Man doll I got for Xmas in 1977. The vibrations are five-stroke, and are surprisingly soothing.
Clean-Up: It's fully waterproof, and black. I shall say no more.
Partner Compatibility: I don't even want to think about it.
Pros: If you have the time and the patience - and you will need a lot of both - it works a treat. Considerably cheaper than most vibrating PMs.
Cons: Reoccurring nightmares, involving hundreds of them approaching your bed at night, going 'EE! EE! EE!'
Adam & Eve Vibrating Pro 5 Prostate Massager, £22.95, kindly provided by Lovehoney.co.uk