Thursday, 1 May 2008

Sex Toy Review: The Adam & Eve Vibrating Pro 5 Prostate Massager

EEEEEK! GET IT THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME! NOW! NOW! NOW!

That, my friends, was my initial reaction to the Adam & Eve Vibrating Pro 5 prostate massager when it arrived - or quite possibly slithered - through the letterbox the other day. I mean, just look at it. If HR Giger designed sex toys, this would be the result. If you were round someone's house and saw that in a plant pot, you wouldn't want to be in the same room as the bastard, would you? So before we go into this review, I want you to all remember the following; next time I come out with a rubbish, unsatisfactory post, or say something you violently disagree with, never forget that on his 40th birthday, 'Mr Sex' devoted a large portion of his day writing about shoving a Triffid up his arse, for you.

Looks like: Well, it looks like that. There's no getting round it; this is possibly the most terrifying-looking sex toy I've ever come across. And that's saying a lot.

You will also need: Two AA batteries, and enough lube to be able to pull a grown man out of the slot of a postbox. Warning: this is a bit thicker than the average prostate-prodder, and definitely not the ideal starter for the novice. You know those noises an orangutan involuntary makes when they lower themself into a bath that's too hot, while various ill-advised plugged-in electrical equipment teeters precariously on the side? That's the sound I was making.

Instruction Sample: Not much in the way of advice. It has to be said that the packaging was extremely non-heterosexual. It's one thing having a photo of some bloke on the front, but did they really have to put his name on an'all?

Does it work? After all the mither, and the obligatory ten minute period when you try to forget the fact that you have a coil of electrical flex up your arse, you discover that it's pretty damn effective. The perenium and other bit arms can actually be adjusted, and feel like the arms of the Six Million Dollar Man doll I got for Xmas in 1977. The vibrations are five-stroke, and are surprisingly soothing.

Clean-Up: It's fully waterproof, and black. I shall say no more.

Partner Compatibility: I don't even want to think about it.

Pros: If you have the time and the patience - and you will need a lot of both - it works a treat. Considerably cheaper than most vibrating PMs.

Cons: Reoccurring nightmares, involving hundreds of them approaching your bed at night, going 'EE! EE! EE!'

Adam & Eve Vibrating Pro 5 Prostate Massager, £22.95, kindly provided by Lovehoney.co.uk

20 comments:

P Disco said...

It looks like a stanley knife in a gimp mask.

Happy birthday Mr Sex!

badgerdaddy said...

Fucking hell. After this, you'll be on the new year's honours list.

The Beautiful Kind said...

Holy moly that does look like an alien probe. I've been curious about the Aneros, a prostate stimulator that looks like an angel compared to this devil's spawn.
http://aneros.com/default.php

lalita said...

Hm... I don't get it. Are these prostate vibrators actually giving you any pleasure? From this and the other review, you hint at an orgasm but sound not too enthusiastic. I mean "soothing"? I would rather take a hot bath if I wanted soothing.

And Happy Birthday!

Bill said...

I started laughing a soon as I saw the picture and didn't stop until I'd finished the blog. that thing is TERRIFYING.
Personally, I'm with Joey in the episode of Friends when he said, 'Whoa - NOTHING goes UP!'
Happy birthday - I hope you got something more appealing than this for a pressie.

Innocent Loverboy said...

Yeah... not like I use sex toys anyway, but you've just put me off them for life. Good show!

Any major dude with half a heart said...

That wasn't a sex toy, Nottingham's Mr Sex, that was Petr Cech in his goalkeeping get-up looking for a transfer up north.

Happy 40th, and thank you for a royally amusing post.

Nottingham's 'Mr Sex' said...

lalita; when you've inserted that thing, the first thing you need is to be soothed. Trust me.

Canuckian's Evil Twin said...

i don't even know where to start when it comes to commenting on the toy, so i'm going to wish you a happy birthday! :o)

Rob said...

Mr Sex, you have my everlasting respect! That thing looks like something used in Guantanamo Bay to help "convince" people to talk!

Happy Birthday man, all the best!

Richard Longhurst said...

Six Million Dollar Man doll, eh?

You started on the old arse-play from an early age, then?

Richard
LoveHoney

@ The Beautiful Kind - lots of less-threatening Aneros things to play with...

http://www.lovehoney.co.uk/brands/aneros/

Apparently it's a patent-protected arse invader...

Nottingham's 'Mr Sex' said...

Richard,

I wouldn't dare shove a Six Million Dollar Man's arm up me arse. For one thing, it had a foreskin. Not only that, but his bionics might have fallen out and got stuck.

I was addicted to the smell of his trainers, though.

This Girl said...

good lord, thats not a sex toy thats theGweapon of mass destruction that they've been looking for!
Kudos for inserting that up your jacksey!
Many happy returns (but not to that toy me thinks)
xx

Anna said...

You're a braver man than I, even leaving aside the fact that I'm not a man.

Happy belated birthday, you courageous sex man!

Ys said...

ouch what an evil looking thing! makes my butt hurt just looking at it!

Nottingham's 'Mr Sex' said...

I must point out that the nobbly bits are very soft and pliant, and the bulby bit stops it from slipping out. It doesn't feel as scary as it looks...

Angela-la-la said...

Haha, I love how you're defending it now!

Seriously, kudos for boldly going there and kisses for the b-day.

sri ganesh said...

I like your informative and knowledgeable website

toys in babeland
babeland

Tania Walls said...

Wow….Sexy Collections.
Friends, If you have little of time you may check These Links for
New Funny Sex.
New Sex Video.
Actress Licked Sex.

asmani khatun said...

Nice blog, Sexy Collections.
Friends, If you have little of time you may check These Links for
Funny Sex Videos.
Sex Video Download.
Chinese Babe Sex.