'Mr Sex': Ten things about porn videos that get right on my tits

The ludicrous pretense that the women involved have been conned, coerced or picked up off the street

I really don’t see the point of Gonzo Porn, mainly because the idea of people having it off in front of a video camera with other people there is weird enough enough for me. But, putting aside all the inherently dodgy implications that women don't really like sex and you have to dupe them into it, please don’t try to fool me into thinking this woman you’ve brought home is some married woman who wants revenge on her husband who she’s just had a row with, or a strangely mature-looking student who reckons that giving a teacher a nosh will bump her grades up. There’s one particular porn actress who I’ve seen;

* Working in a diner, before sucking some bloke off in an alleyway
* Happily married, and being talked by her husband with a threesome with the babysitter
* Actually being a babysitter somewhere else
* Having her anal virginity taken on three separate occasions
* Sucking off some other bloke in order to pass a modelling audition

Either this woman has serious memory-loss, or has extreme difficulty holding down a job, or Porn is lying to us.

Throat-fucking

Ooh, women sounding like my Dad coughing over the sink in the morning after his first Embassy No.1, how erotic.

Gormless men who won’t shut the fuck up

Most of the male porn actors I’ve ever dealt with are absolute danglings of clag from the arsehole of humanity (The only ones I ever liked were Sean Michaels, Ben Dover and Randy Shagnasty), but you have to feel sorry for them. Once upon a time, the women of porn were seen as mere sperm receptacles. Nowadays, you have to be a serious Grot aficionado to be able to name a genuinely new male porn actor, their names on the DVD box are approximately 20 times smaller than their female counterparts (if at all), and their career falls off the minute they can’t get bonked up. Having said that, why can’t they just stop fucking showing off and thinking they’re summat? The only person who watches this shit to see you preening about and talking bollocks is you, late at night, when paranoia sets in and you’re worried that the angle of your erection is starting to decrease with age.

(And please stop saying “Yeah, just like that. Just like that”. It automatically makes me think of Tommy Cooper, which is not good)

Spitting on genitals

Ugh. What next? People blowing their noses on someone’s scrotum?

Too many close-ups of man-arse and swinging clockweights

I don’t wish to come off as uncosmopolitan or conservative, and I’m fully aware that views of male arsage and knackery can‘t be helped at times, but for fuck’s sake: I’m trying to have a wank, and your hairy, sweaty arse is not helping. At all.

The same old routines time after time after time

Woman gets tits out, pulls knickers up arse. Bloke takes knickers down. Woman sucks bloke off for ages. Bloke flickers tongue at woman for five seconds. Bloke shags woman in missionary position. Woman shags bloke in cowboy position. Man shags woman in doggy-style position. Bloke gets off so he can jizz in her face. Yawn.

The absolute lies spouted in the promotional blurb

Example;

Kandeeeee thought she was auditioning for a movie part, and was so keen to get it that she’d do anything! Even though she was a virgin, we talked her into taking on me and my buddy all ways, and then we bust our loads all over her innocent face before kicking her to the curb!

Truth;

We were contractually obligated to make another porn film, so we went through our address book and called up Sharon, because she looks young. We asked her if she was free on the 17^th. But she said no, because her shaving rash had flared up again, but she could do the 19^th as long as she got an extra $50 for anal and her travel expenses thrown in. She turned up with her drivers licence and copy of her last STD test, went through some unconvincing role-play that made the cast of Hollyoaks look like the Royal Shakespeare Company, and then we had sex in all the usual, predictable ways. Then she had a shower, got paid cash in hand and went home.

The treatment of interracial sex as if it’s still a monumentally controversial act

Oh God. We now have the benefit of living in a world where the sane majority couldn’t give a shit about people of different races having relationships, so why hasn’t anyone told the porn industry this? Am I supposed to be simultaneously outraged yet strangely aroused over the fact that a pretty blonde girl (because they’re almost always blonde) is being ravished by that…that…non-white person? Mandingo was released over 30 years ago, for Christ’s sake. Come into our century.

Gape shots

Hand on heart, I have never clocked a woman in a bar and thought to myself “Oh God, I’d love to have a good look up the lower end of her digestive system”


Jizzing on faces all the fucking time

Always the same, isn’t it? And seeing as sexual education is still as poor as it ever was, and there’s about ten million times more opportunity to watch porn these days, I worry that today’s teenage boys will simply forget how to procreate properly, and the human species will have fully died out by the 22^nd Century.