Thursday, 24 January 2008

'Mr Sex': Ten things about porn videos that get right on my tits

The ludicrous pretense that the women involved have been conned, coerced or picked up off the street

I really don’t see the point of Gonzo Porn, mainly because the idea of people having it off in front of a video camera with other people there is weird enough enough for me. But, putting aside all the inherently dodgy implications that women don't really like sex and you have to dupe them into it, please don’t try to fool me into thinking this woman you’ve brought home is some married woman who wants revenge on her husband who she’s just had a row with, or a strangely mature-looking student who reckons that giving a teacher a nosh will bump her grades up. There’s one particular porn actress who I’ve seen;

* Working in a diner, before sucking some bloke off in an alleyway
* Happily married, and being talked by her husband with a threesome with the babysitter
* Actually being a babysitter somewhere else
* Having her anal virginity taken on three separate occasions
* Sucking off some other bloke in order to pass a modelling audition

Either this woman has serious memory-loss, or has extreme difficulty holding down a job, or Porn is lying to us.

Throat-fucking

Ooh, women sounding like my Dad coughing over the sink in the morning after his first Embassy No.1, how erotic.


Gormless men who won’t shut the fuck up

Most of the male porn actors I’ve ever dealt with are absolute danglings of clag from the arsehole of humanity (The only ones I ever liked were Sean Michaels, Ben Dover and Randy Shagnasty), but you have to feel sorry for them. Once upon a time, the women of porn were seen as mere sperm receptacles. Nowadays, you have to be a serious Grot aficionado to be able to name a genuinely new male porn actor, their names on the DVD box are approximately 20 times smaller than their female counterparts (if at all), and their career falls off the minute they can’t get bonked up. Having said that, why can’t they just stop fucking showing off and thinking they’re summat? The only person who watches this shit to see you preening about and talking bollocks is you, late at night, when paranoia sets in and you’re worried that the angle of your erection is starting to decrease with age.

(And please stop saying “Yeah, just like that. Just like that”. It automatically makes me think of Tommy Cooper, which is not good)


Spitting on genitals

Ugh. What next? People blowing their noses on someone’s scrotum?


Too many close-ups of man-arse and swinging clockweights

I don’t wish to come off as uncosmopolitan or conservative, and I’m fully aware that views of male arsage and knackery can‘t be helped at times, but for fuck’s sake: I’m trying to have a wank, and your hairy, sweaty arse is not helping. At all.


The same old routines time after time after time

Woman gets tits out, pulls knickers up arse. Bloke takes knickers down. Woman sucks bloke off for ages. Bloke flickers tongue at woman for five seconds. Bloke shags woman in missionary position. Woman shags bloke in cowboy position. Man shags woman in doggy-style position. Bloke gets off so he can jizz in her face. Yawn.


The absolute lies spouted in the promotional blurb

Example;

Kandeeeee thought she was auditioning for a movie part, and was so keen to get it that she’d do anything! Even though she was a virgin, we talked her into taking on me and my buddy all ways, and then we bust our loads all over her innocent face before kicking her to the curb!

Truth;

We were contractually obligated to make another porn film, so we went through our address book and called up Sharon, because she looks young. We asked her if she was free on the 17th. But she said no, because her shaving rash had flared up again, but she could do the 19th as long as she got an extra $50 for anal and her travel expenses thrown in. She turned up with her drivers licence and copy of her last STD test, went through some unconvincing role-play that made the cast of Hollyoaks look like the Royal Shakespeare Company, and then we had sex in all the usual, predictable ways. Then she had a shower, got paid cash in hand and went home.


The treatment of interracial sex as if it’s still a monumentally controversial act

Oh God. We now have the benefit of living in a world where the sane majority couldn’t give a shit about people of different races having relationships, so why hasn’t anyone told the porn industry this? Am I supposed to be simultaneously outraged yet strangely aroused over the fact that a pretty blonde girl (because they’re almost always blonde) is being ravished by that…that…non-white person? Mandingo was released over 30 years ago, for Christ’s sake. Come into our century.


Gape shots

Hand on heart, I have never clocked a woman in a bar and thought to myself “Oh God, I’d love to have a good look up the lower end of her digestive system”


Jizzing on faces all the fucking time

Always the same, isn’t it? And seeing as sexual education is still as poor as it ever was, and there’s about ten million times more opportunity to watch porn these days, I worry that today’s teenage boys will simply forget how to procreate properly, and the human species will have fully died out by the 22nd Century.


22 comments:

thegirl said...

Agree, agree, agree. Totally agree.

However, there is always room for more shots of the male performers - not *all* viewers are straight men you know and us women/gay men do like a bit of cock/balls/arse etc up there to help us get off too.

Otherwise, yes, spot on - as usual, Mr. Sex.

Sarah said...

Beautifully said!

The hairy arse shots are not the most appealing, but i would definately like to see more of the mens faces. You always get to see the womens faces, but never the mens. Granted, mens sex faces aren't always the best, but mid flick i want to see them enjoying themselves!!

You know what else annoys me? The womens noises! Shouting "Oh" over and over again in the same pitch, tone, volume does NOT do it for me. Why do they rarely talk to each other????

There are loads more annoyances that don't immediately spring to mind, but i definately have to agree with most of what you wrote.

Come on porn barons! Carry out some market research!!

justrhysism said...

Yeah I have to agree with Sarah on the ridiculous noises that the girls make. I can't say I have EVER been with a girl who constantly screams "Oh, Oh" the entire fucking time. And truth be told, it'd be fucking annoying... shut up!

fluffyhelen said...

I had this discussion with my boyfriend the other day. Some porn is absolutely atrocious!

What is the deal with the bouncing ballsacks anyway? Who finds that attractive?

Oh, poor camera quality is another personal hatred. Urgh! It's the 21st century people.

Stupid backdrops is another. I don't want to see you touching yourself with your dad's telescope in the background on his favourite armchair. EWWWW!

blacksilk said...

"Spitting on genitals

Ugh. What next? People blowing their noses on someone’s scrotum?"

Yes! I completely agree! I've been watching a bit of porn in the last week and this was the one thing guaranteed to make me go ugh. Why would you do that? It's disgusting! They lubricate themselves, you know!

And yes, the constant face-coming is a pain too, it'd be nice to see him come inside her for once. Just once.

The Girl is right that we needn't cut out the man bits though, as Sarah says I'd like to see their faces too.

And like Sarah and justrhysism I'd really like the women to shut the fuck up with the 'oh oh oh' business, particularly when nearly nothing is happening. And the worse lady-porn noise? "Oh yeahhh" No-one says that! And certainly not the way you say it, sister!

Julian said...

Holy bangers! That went right up my flagpole!

Well said! Suddenly I feel not so alienated..

And the massive hip movements but when in close up, Mr Wiggly is definitely not at attention and completely stationary... I know it's difficult to perform on demand like that but ...

Puss said...

Totally agree with all the utterly over the top noises. The one that particuarly annoys me is when the girl sucks air through her teeth in an almost aggresive way. Is that supposed to be sexy?! Went over my head if it is

Rachel said...

THANK YOU!!!

I thought I was the only one that got pissed off with the constant cum-on-face routine.

Personally, I don't find the thought of somebody's mucus-wrapped sperm covering my nose sexy. Can't think why.

Also, I agree with The Girl - I'm a straight woman - I want to see sexy men, dammit!
And in the same way you don't get turned on by an ugly man's hairy arse, I don't get turned on by porn women squeezing their silicone-enhanced breasts at me.
I've got a real pair of my own to play with, thanks.
*sigh*
Off to gay porn it is then.

But hey, apart from that, well done and nicely put :)

Cheyenne said...

This whole time I...I thought I was the only one who hated those things!

I'm monumentally relieved! There's hope for the men in my life after all!

Swineshead said...

The thing with the tag 'interracial' is that it only ever seems to refer to a white woman being banged by a black gentleman. I've never seen it with any other ethnicity. I've also never seen it refer to a black woman with a white guy. It's probably grounded in bigotry, this distinction.

Boy said...

Fantastic fantastic fantastic. Although I don't agree with the latter (I'm a facial type of person ok?), I would understand if it were toned down, and the rest of it is spot on.
I'm also impressed by the amount of female commenters and readers! But yet I'm not sure why.

Lily Lane said...

I hate a lot of these things too... except:

I enjoy sucking cocks more when I've dribbled or spat on it first, so spitting doesn't bother me in the slightest.

I have to put my hand up and admit
I am very very loud when someone's fucking me so the noises don't bother me unless they sound utterly fake (which is actually pretty often). You can tell straight away when the 'actress' has never genuinely moaned during sex in her life.

The things that annoy me most though are:

The unattractive men, and the fact we barely get to see and enjoy the men at all.

The ridiculous faces the women pull at the camera.

The sexist, derrogatory language and core ideas.

The lack of interaction between the actors. Real couples, fuck-buddies etc communicate with words and actions all the time during sex! Porn is often kind of awkward.

The complete inattention to creating sexual tension between two characters. I want to see two people who I REALLY want to fuck each other.. fuck each other! Not two bodies going through the motions.

Innocent Loverboy said...

Fantastic! Made me laugh out loud, and it's all so true too!

Woman gets tits out, pulls knickers up arse. Bloke takes knickers down. Woman sucks bloke off for ages. Bloke flickers tongue at woman for five seconds. Bloke shags woman in missionary position. Woman shags bloke in cowboy position. Man shags woman in doggy-style position. Bloke gets off so he can jizz in her face. Yawn.

You should direct porn. You seem to know exactly what to put into a scene. ;)

La Bête said...

Yes! Oh! Oh! Oh! Yes!

I'd like to add my agreement, please.

One thing I'd like to add is this: what really turns me on is people kissing. What turns me on even more is people who are dressed kissing, slowly at first and then with barbaric animal passion. And undressing one another. For me there is nothing greater in grot than watching couples undress one another. Fucking is pretty much all the same, bodies are pretty much all the same - there is great variety however, in clothes and situations - consequently they can be a lot more erotic. Nine times out of ten in porn, if people have clothes on at all, the director will cut from the first fumblings at material to a bare beaver or bone-chomp, and it really peeves me. (I don't watch a lot of porn films in their entirety however - maybe it's different in feature-length stuff. But I doubt it.)

More kissing and undressing, please!

Anonymous said...

Well said Mr. Sex, seems lots of us agree... i've enjoyed some of Anna Span's stuff recently which has been produced more for the female market I think... but Anna seems to have recognised much of the points you have listed - works for me/us...
Agree too - kissing, undressing and humour too... it's all good.

Phil.

Anonymous said...

My pet peeve is that when women in porn have elaborately manicured/artificially long fingernails, and insert them with apparent abandon into their vaginas or those of their female partners. I mean, that's got to hurt.......

lovessex said...

Bravo!!!

I hate those open the ass shots. And my husband would love to see shots where the man just barely pulls out and comes on the beaver. Thus you get the come shot but it's not the usual degrading face shot.

I hate the spitting in porn too but I have to agree that it is the best lubricant especially for anal. We have tried everything else and spit just seems the most slippery and longer lasting.

And why is it that the women gets oral for two seconds and then sucks cock for 15 minutes. I guess men rule when it comes to porn, what man wants to see a man licking pussy well? Makes me think that most men don't know how to do it right.

lovessex said...

Just wanted to add that my husband hates the way the girls in porn always keep their shoes on. Just what a guy wants.... having sex and having to watch out for the 6 inch spikes!

el abogado said...

Utterly unarguable! Splendid! la bete has a point, and I cannot believe I am the only man who thinks that kissing is a hugely erotic and integral part of the proceedings.
On the subject of noises, what's with the shouted comment; "Right there! Right there!"? Right where? What is? It puts me in mind of the increasingly peevish sound of my flatmate trying to help me find my keys.

Anonymous said...

Innocent Loverboy said...

You should direct porn. You seem to know exactly what to put into a scene. ;)

25 January 2008 15:16

You mean it's actually directed???

Maroc said...

La bete:

"One thing I'd like to add is this: what really turns me on is people kissing. What turns me on even more is people who are dressed kissing, slowly at first and then with barbaric animal passion...."

Check out Ellen Barkin and Al Pacino in Sea of Love, or even EB and Denis Quaid in The Big Easy. Seriously horny kissing leading to sex - more of a turn on than 90% of porn I've ever seen. ;-)

fourstar said...

The ludicrous pretense that the women involved have been conned, coerced or picked up off the street

Pretence? In porn? No!

I really don’t see the point of Gonzo Porn...

OK, don't watch it. Generally, it is clearly labelled. And apparently it's rather popular with people who have an imagination.

...or Porn is lying to us.

No shit, Sherlock :)

Throat-fucking

Between consenting adults (and don't start that silly women-forced-into-porn nonsense; many of them claim they can't get directors to film their more outrageous demands...) this can be one of the most erotic feelings for both parties.

Gormless men who won’t shut the fuck up

Agreed.

Spitting on genitals

Lubricant? Never done that? Really? Gone down on someone and 'helped them along' with a bit of your own spittle? Really? Liar.

Too many close-ups of man-arse and swinging clockweights

To be fair, agreed. But they are visible and they haven't invented a bollock-invisiblising cam yet (as far as I know).

The same old routines time after time after time

OK, let's film you in action next Saturday, shall we? OK, I do agree up to a point but there are a limited number of positions and a certain amount of time. You do the math.

The absolute lies spouted in the promotional blurb

Lies? It's PORN ffs!!!

The treatment of interracial sex as if it’s still a monumentally controversial act

Yes. Absolutely. But porn is made for everyone and that means ages 18-80 (I assume). Many porn buyers still find an interracial liaison controversial. It doesn't stop them (indeed, adds to them) enjoying fantasy interracial porn. It could be handled better (pun intended) but these things take time...

Gape shots

Agreed, with the caveat that once you go anal there is a price to pay...

Jizzing on faces all the fucking time

Why not?

OK, and this is my main point, how about you aren't watching the right porn (and that could be said of most of the above complaints from commenters :) There's something for everyone if you look hard enough (yeah, another pun intended) so a) if you want it for free, you get what is available and (b) if you are happy to pay, do some research and sign up for something you actually like!

And after that, I welcome your thoughts. Honestly.