'Mr Sex': Couples who watch porn together

Right, I know some of you are going to violently disagree with the following - and I know that a lot of what I'm about to say is to do my fucked-up rubbish-man mindset - but please hear me out before mashing me down. Now, I've heard that there are some women who actually enjoy this, but I've never met them. And to be honest, if I ever were with women like that, I wouldn't want to be watching porn with them; I'd want to make it with them.

In my defence, I have only tried to watch porn with a woman once; it was a girl I knew when I was young and cretinous, who came round when my mates were out and discovered a flatmate's wank-stash behind the telly. When she said we should watch one, my bollocks were somersaulting with excitement. Alas, what followed was a morbid carousel of snippy comments, delivered by a woman with a face like a smacked arse;

"Eeh, look at that slag, rubbing her arse as if she thinks she's summat"

"Oh, shurrup, you cunt - she's only shagging you because she's been paid to"

"This is shit. Is it yours, then?"

"Is it yours, then?"

"It is yours, isn't it?"

By the time a graphic penetration shot on a beach was spoiled somewhat by a meat fly the size of of a Cadburys Mini-Egg hovering over the male lead's arsehole, I realised that I was not going to have sex that night, or possibly that year.

Here's the rub; when it comes to what is construed as acceptable erotic material, the majority of men and women seem to differ. To put it another way; women like plot, while men like grot. The porn industry's first attempts to appeal to both genders in the early 90s involved them spending a fortune on elaborate scripts, scenery, locations and costume, fully convinced that pornography was finally going to cross over. What they didn't realise was that most women were still not up for buying it, and 99.9% of all sales were to men who wore out the fast forward buttons on their videos, muttering to themselves. I can guarantee to that no man has ever shuffled over to the VCR with his kecks round his ankles to eject a porn tape, and thought "Ooh, hang on, this is an interesting plot development. I must watch the rest of this to see how that the character of that girl who got spitroasted in the last scene develops."

Nowadays, of course, there are a swathe of more enlightened film-makers who are developing a female audience, but there's a problem with that, too; the men are too damned good-looking, which - to my hypocritically fragile male ego - would intimidate the living shit out of me. I'd be sat there thinking; "Shitting hell, he's a big lad. You could grate cheese on that fucker's stomach. And he's been in that position for ages, and he's not even knackered yet", and then worrying that my own sexual performance afterwards would be the equivalent of inviting a lady over for dinner, making her watch two hours of Masterchef, and then giving her some Iceland crispy pancakes and oven chips.

So, my question to any females (and more enlightened men out there) is, er, "Help?"