Friday, 25 January 2008

'Mr Sex': Couples who watch porn together

Right, I know some of you are going to violently disagree with the following - and I know that a lot of what I'm about to say is to do my fucked-up rubbish-man mindset - but please hear me out before mashing me down. Now, I've heard that there are some women who actually enjoy this, but I've never met them. And to be honest, if I ever were with women like that, I wouldn't want to be watching porn with them; I'd want to make it with them.

In my defence, I have only tried to watch porn with a woman once; it was a girl I knew when I was young and cretinous, who came round when my mates were out and discovered a flatmate's wank-stash behind the telly. When she said we should watch one, my bollocks were somersaulting with excitement. Alas, what followed was a morbid carousel of snippy comments, delivered by a woman with a face like a smacked arse;
"Eeh, look at that slag, rubbing her arse as if she thinks she's summat"

"Oh, shurrup, you cunt - she's only shagging you because she's been paid to"

"This is shit. Is it yours, then?"

"Is it yours, then?"

"It is yours, isn't it?"
By the time a graphic penetration shot on a beach was spoiled somewhat by a meat fly the size of of a Cadburys Mini-Egg hovering over the male lead's arsehole, I realised that I was not going to have sex that night, or possibly that year.

Here's the rub; when it comes to what is construed as acceptable erotic material, the majority of men and women seem to differ. To put it another way; women like plot, while men like grot. The porn industry's first attempts to appeal to both genders in the early 90s involved them spending a fortune on elaborate scripts, scenery, locations and costume, fully convinced that pornography was finally going to cross over. What they didn't realise was that most women were still not up for buying it, and 99.9% of all sales were to men who wore out the fast forward buttons on their videos, muttering to themselves. I can guarantee to that no man has ever shuffled over to the VCR with his kecks round his ankles to eject a porn tape, and thought "Ooh, hang on, this is an interesting plot development. I must watch the rest of this to see how that the character of that girl who got spitroasted in the last scene develops."

Nowadays, of course, there are a swathe of more enlightened film-makers who are developing a female audience, but there's a problem with that, too; the men are too damned good-looking, which - to my hypocritically fragile male ego - would intimidate the living shit out of me. I'd be sat there thinking; "Shitting hell, he's a big lad. You could grate cheese on that fucker's stomach. And he's been in that position for ages, and he's not even knackered
yet", and then worrying that my own sexual performance afterwards would be the equivalent of inviting a lady over for dinner, making her watch two hours of Masterchef, and then giving her some Iceland crispy pancakes and oven chips.

So, my question to any females (and more enlightened men out there) is, er, "Help?"

22 comments:

Miss Belle said...

I love to watch porn but usually when I'm with my guy I'm more interested in demonstrating my skills than watching someone else have the fun.

Don't think you're alone in feel just a tad intimidated. I watch the girls in porn sometimes and wonder how any guy who would watch it could also be praising my bedroom skills. I seem a tad boring with all the fuss that they make.

Anonymous said...

http://www.scarletmagazine.co.uk/

Thiers alot of female porn

A good insight into what women want, in porn can be found here:

http://girlwithaonetrackmind.blogspot.com/

Kitty Foo said...

I have tried this - I think the problem is that while I ended up quite, um, up for it, the final experience had a sort of unpleasantly dirty edge to it. And not in a good way.

It's not just you that has problems with ego either - I ended up worrying about how unpruned my lady garden was, and how my boobs don't remain freakishly pert at all times.

Maybe this won't work until the film makers work out the kinks.

Brandy said...

I love porn.

Hate plot.
You watch porn for a reason!
You want plot...go to the cinema!

The only thing I do hate is the perfect breasts, butts and bodies on the women. The average woman can't compete with those perfect models.

And when I watch porn I prefer to do it alone...I mean who needs wank material if you have a real man around.

Freya said...

Like Brandy, I love porn but hate the plot. I'm always fast forwarding to the good stuff thinking "will ya just get it on already?"

If I'm watching porn with my man then I don't get very far...it's usually left on in the background while we do our own thing.

Sure, I don't look like the chicks in porn, but it doesn't keep me from getting any, so I don't worry about it anymore. I used to...until the first time I watched porn with my boyfriend and he couldn't get enough of me. I took that as a good sign. :)

I think there are a lot of women who will always dislike porn even if presented in a nice comfy situation. But I think those are the women with confidence and jealousy issues and that's a whole nothing dealio.

Yeah, I love me some porn. Preferably the girl/girl but if there's a guy...no need to show him...just her getting it. Guys look so weird naked, lol. They're lucky I love em. heh.

Anna said...

Never seen porn. I don't think that necessarily reflects on all women though, I'm a bit of a special case :p

Red said...

I like porn, too. I might laugh at the lack of plot, but I don't really want plot in wank material.

And as for not comparing to the women/men in porn... Porn's unrealistic. Women know that as much as men do. I'd rather have the man sitting next to me watching the porn than the muscular, generically good looking one in the porn, if for no other reason than the one next to me is real.

Anonymous said...

I'm doing this anonymous because I don't want my boyfriend to find this. ;)

I have a subscription to Suicide Girls and regularly watch lesbian porn. I had some torrents downloading for some solo stuff and abit of lesbian and I was mortified when he saw them.

>.<

I don't want to share my porn with him so why should he want to share his with me? He gets off on a LOT of dicks and I get off on ladies.

=D

frogger1995 said...

I once upon a tim enjoyed watching porn with men when porn was something deliciously new and taboo...as was sex. Now I watch it with them along the same vein I would watch Weekend at Bernie's or some other travesty of on-screen viewing. We end up fascinated at the gall or in giggles.

I love porn the same way men do...for masturbation fodder. Usually in my own company.

Innocent Loverboy said...

Try soft porn, especially the type you'd get from Surrender Cinema. There's usually a lot of attractive ladies, a lot of plot during which there's a reason for the sex, a dash of humour, and artful, passionate sex with none of the gross stuff that you'll find in porn.

I think you'll find ladies like it. Or, hope so, anyway.

Rosie said...

I actually would like to watch porn with a guy. Several have mentioned sharing their favorites with me, but somehow we never get around to it.

I do know one thing. Don't bother buying porn that is on sale. It is ON SALE for a reason. (Apparently no one else wanted it either.)

Mr-Moonlight said...

I know my wife watches porn. I know because she tells me... We have occasionally watched it together but it never lasts long as we just get on with our own thing.

For my part I make sure I keep our 'porn drive' on the computer topped up with all new and frequently updated 'anal' that she likes to get off on and have lots I like too...

But its all 'proper' porn... not a plot in site!

Boy said...

I really can't beleive anyone watches porn for the plot?! And I would love to watch porn with a partner, but I do think there would be issues with me comparing myself to the screen. That comparison can never end good

lovessex said...

My husband and I watch porn often. Who needs plot? We both like movies that just get into the sex right from the start. Orgy movies are good for that.
As for perfect bodies.... I like women, so I don't feel intimidated by their perfect breasts and butts, just turned on.

Anonymous said...

You've said it yourself: as a heterosexual male the only thing you get from watching nekkid men prance around is an inferiority complex. Why should women be any different? Not all of us are lesbians or bisexual and watching pert, bouncy female bits in lots of different angles isn't something we do for fun. Most mainstream porn is made for the heterosexual male's eye and thus not all that arousing to a female.

If you want to see what turns us on, you could try erotic stories written by females. It often features male/male action, but you'd be hard pressed to find much plot!

blacksilk said...

I've watched porn with my lovely gentleman (this is after finally getting him to admit that he still had it and hadn't 'thrown it away ages ago' like he said :P) and it was my suggestion too. I love porn.

But I think there's a matter of differing tastes with us. Not in style as such, but in content. He likes lesbian BDSM, I prefer (though I have some like his) straight BDSM or vanilla.

He doesn't watch porn with men in (I like to claim he's afraid that he'll catch 'the gay' :P) which is disappointing as we'll probably not get one of those 'ooh, let's do that!' moments. Plus my best one is straight. Bah.

And I fastforward the boring bits too. Like plot :)

A said...

I too love porn (and yes, I'm a woman). But usually it's a solo affair, because I've found that when I watch porn with a guy, things quickly progress to our own more interesting show. (And no, I've never offered to watch porn with a guy I wasn't actively planning to seduce.)

The kind of porn I watch solo is also quite different from the stuff I'd share with a guy. (My personal mix runs heavy to cocks-- well-groomed only, please-- and men jacking off solo, whereas shared stuff is usually straight.)

A said...

Oh, and as for feeling like you don't compare favorably...

I for one would MUCH rather be getting off with my physically present man, than just watching the (possibly better hung/better looking) guy on the screen. Because let's face it, a) that guy's nowhere around, b) I'd probably dislike him if he were, c) no woman is actually interested in pounding sex that lasts as long as the porn kind does, and d) YOU getting off because of ME is way hotter than any porn I can think of.

So stop comparing yourself. As long as you make sure she has at least one orgasm, comparisons will probably not be made. And if you want to make absolutely sure, change that to "make sure she has multiple orgasms." (Grin)

Some Girl said...

No one can make generic "men like this, women like this," stereotypes about who likes what when it comes to sex. I know men who like to get it in the ass, men who like to give it in the ass, women who like both of the above, women who like porn with plot, women who like porn without plot, and women who don't like porn at all. And even men who prefer porn with plot.

Come on, guys, everyone's different.

Rachael said...

Hi - I really love this blog - it really is an insight. I think we are always going to be insecure when watching porn. Worrying ourselves with 'my pussy doesn't look like that...' and 'my tits move a LOT more than that...' an so on. But porn is representing a fantasy and when theres a hot guy involved I perk up. I hate shots of his ass though! Totally unnessessary. And the women never fail to make me feel a bit pudgy but they are there for a reason. Thanks for the blog guys I really love it!

Anonymous said...

Hi,

I'm 23 years old and just the other day when i was over at my boyfriends house i caught him watching porn with the mute button on. Which was fine. I didn't know he liked it that much but its ok by me.

I just sat down with him and watched it. I enjoy a good porno and well we talked about it as we watched. Like which girl we liked better when their was more than one and why we liked them. What they did or what was funny about it.

I during part of the time i did feel a bit insecure about seeing the woman in those porn videos because they are for the most part perfect. But one he started saying "how many do u think she has done" it made me laugh because he doesn't like woman who have been with many men and so on.

That day i felt like our relationship went up a level. Which is great. We both shared websites that we go to for porn lol.

He has a very BIG sexual appetite and sometimes its a bit much so for me i don't mind at all. I rather have him watching porn even if im not watching it with him than have him go out and cheat on me.

So for me its perfectly fine to watch porn with him. Most of the time i get very aroused and well we have a better sex session ^^

Anonymous said...

I love watching it with my boyfriend before we have sex it helps to spice things up like music or lingre. It it something you don't need or have to have all the time.