'Mr Sex': The Best Letter To A Porn Magazine EVER

Long ago, in another time and another place, I worked in wank mags. I wasn't a Smut King; more a Porn Peon. I started as the picture librarian for 30 grot periodicals, including Readers Wives, Real Wives, Asian Babes, 40+ (age and bra size), 50 & Over (just age), Electric Blue, Black & Blue, Asian Babes and Big And Fat, and went on to do pretty much everything but take part (I was offered £75 to be in a porn video. I told them that if anyone wanted to see my beautiful white arse going up and down on the telly, they'd better up the ante to £90 at least).

Whenever I was in the pub with my mates, and they told their mates what I did, their eyes would instantly light up and they would chew my ear off all night. It was quite bizarre, having people on ten times my salary grabbing me by the arm and shouting "Oh my God, you lucky bastard! I wish I had your job!"

Whenever it got too much, I had an instant response to calm them down. I would calmly point out that at 9.30am tomorrow, while they were reclining in their luxury offices and asking a secretary to fetch them another coffee, I would be nursing a hangover the size of God's face, preparing to do my first task of the day; opening the readers' letters.

I suppose, in a way, I was very lucky indeed; I was given, on a daily basis, the opportunity to gaze into the open wound of male sexuality. On the other hand, I was given, on a daily basis, the opportunity to open the most grotesque Lucky Bag in history. Jagged scrawls by borderline psychotics. Photos of Holger from Rotterdam, bollock-naked save for a pair of diving boots, attempting to give himself a nosh, with "LADIES! The DEVIL has taken HOLD of ME!" desperately written across the top. Nasty willies held up against even nastier duvet covers. Someone's Nana in a manky living room with her legs thrown around both arms of the recliner, with her dressing gown wide open and a fag dangling from her fingers. Tissue Samples.

Naturally, I used to whip handfuls of them to read on the tube home. And even now, ten years later, they still pop up amongst the boxes of rubbish I've horded over the years. I intend to throw these up whenever I find them, and I'm starting with the absolute cream of the crop. This, my friends, is the best letter ever sent to a porn magazine, ever. Never mind the fact that it graphically describes the probably illegal usage of meat products, domestic animals, and Manchester United. Never mind the fact that this story never happened, and was probably sent as a piss-take, and I've posted this all over the internet whenever I got the chance, and after reading it, you might feel all manner of emotions (and most of them negative). Just read it.

I was home alone the other night watching football on Sky. Liverpool were one-all with Man U with ten minutes to go. I had just taken a Viagra pill four hours earlier and shagged my girlfriend four times until she went to work at a local hospital.

I had cooked myself some sausages and was laying there in front of the TV quite relaxed, chomping on my sausages. I looked down and my old fellow was staring back at me with its one eye closed, almost as if it were winking at me to play with it. I was impressed – I had never seen it so big before. It was laying on my belly stiff as a board staring at me, the head was laying just below my chest as I lay on my back.

‘I wonder…’ I thought as I removed my jeans and rolled my legs up, over and behind my head. My penis slid straight into my mouth. It was a curious feeling giving myself a headjob, the head made it in just over my front teeth. I was used to deeper penetration when my girlfriend was giving it to me but I wasn’t complaining. I sucked myself off for five minutes, thoroughly enjoying myself.

I don’t know how it happened but I think the Viagra was making me really horny, but I decided to shove one of the cooked sausages up my arse while I sucked myself off. It felt great. I was dizzy from being upside down but the sausage up the arse really did it. I was going to come any minute now and started moaning out loud. This was definitely the best sex I had ever received and it was all from myself.

Before I knew it the dog trotted up over to me after being woken by my moans of pleasure and started eating the sausage out of my arse. Initially I was shocked and attempted to hit the dog with my belt that was laying beside me, but I missed the dog and hit myself on the arse. Oh God it felt great, so I kept on hitting myself on the arse, not too hard mind you to scare the dog away which had finished the part of the sausage that was sticking out of my arse and was attempting to removed (sic) the other half inside with broad sweeping movements of his long wet rough tongue.

It was great, laying there on my back giving myself a headjob, being growled out by my dog and whacking my arse with my belt. I began to moan louder with pleasure while the dog began to growl in frustration at not being able to remove the stuck sausage. The dog gave up using his tongue and propped itself up on my arse with its two front feet and began nibbling at my anus with its front incisors, gnashing them down quickly, searching for the elusive bit of sausage, growling and chomping.

I thought it couldn’t get any better until all at the same time the dog removed the remaining bit of sausage I came in my mouth at the same time that Michael Owen scored for Liverpool.

It was the best night of my life.