'Mr Sex': Don't have it off with a Lard-Arse

I don't know if this is an urban legend or not, but I'm going to share it with you anyway.

A friend of mine relates the following story; one of his mates manages to cop off with this girl, and before too long he's in her bedroom, indulging in a bit of the old in-out in-out. Carried along by the heightened sensitivity of the moment, he talks her into having a spot of anal. Amazingly, she agrees to it. "Hang on a minute, though," she says. "Let me get lubed up first."

As he lies there, in an unknown bed, giving his hard-on the occasional flick to keep it upright, he hears his paramour padding down the corridor to the bathroom and flicking the light on. A pause. Then a rattling of a cupboard, followed by a torrent of sweary invective. Then he hears her thumping downstairs. Two minutes pass. Then he hears her thumping upstairs again, and throws the bedroom door open.

"Right" she says. "Let's gerron wi'it."

Next morning, he's downstairs in the kitchen, grabbing his coat off the back of a chair and preparing to make the time-honoured ritual known to all shag-rats as 'the Get-Out'. He's just about to hit the door when he catches sight of a congealed chip pan on top of the stove.

A chip pan that has two, finger-wide gouge marks across the top.

* * *

Now, ask any Sexpert about how much lubrication one needs to go about the act of Bumhole Love, and they'll say; 'enough to be able to move Stonehenge 50 feet with a flick of your finger'. The second thing they'll tell you is to always use professional, premium-grade, water-based lube, which can be purchased from sex shops, Ann Summers and online. But what if you're in the position of the friend of my friend, you have to improvise, but you don't want a battered sausage? Here's a list of home-made solutions, and their pros and cons...

JOHNNIES
Pros: It's a johnny. It's already lubricated. It stops you getting nob-rot, or the affliction known in medical circles as 'shitty dick'.
Cons: Let's be honest; one of the main reasons straight men want anal sex is because they don't want to wear a johnny (tough shit, you should). Also, in almost all cases, a mere condom isn't enough to provide the right level of lubrication - and any non-water-based lubrication eats through johnnies like Billy Bunter through a tuck hamper.

HAND/BODY LOTION
Pros: Pretty much anyone has it in their house. And as any chap without a foreskin will tell you, it's slippery as owt.
Cons: Almost all of them are oil-based, so if you're thinking of using a condom, you might as well wrap some cling-film round your todge.

VASELINE
Pros: It's what Gay lads have been using for ages, isn't it?
Cons: Well, it was, until water and silicon-based lubes came along - petroleum jelly has a nasty habit of staying put for days, you see. And in any case, most straight women use Vaseline for other purposes. And would you want something on your nob that was used the day before to treat a cold sore?

VEGETABLE OIL, SHORTENING, BUTTER etc
Pros: Marlon Brando used it on that French lass in that film.
Cons: The scene where Maria Schneider can't come over to Marlon's because she's got some minging bacterial infection up her ringpiece was obviously left on the cutting-room floor.

SPIT
Pros: It's cheap.
Cons: It's really cheap. And nasty. I can think of a thousand better foreplay techniques that don't involve gobbing up your partner's arse. And saying "Spit'll do you" only brings to mind Jonathan King's chat-up lines.

SOAP
Pros: Very slippery.
Cons: Very foamy, and stings like a bastard. Particularly down the hog's eye.

CHIP FAT
No, mate.

So, putting it all together, your make-do anal options are not that brilliant. So what's so wrong with a fanny, anyway?