Monday, 7 January 2008

'Mr Sex': Don't have it off with a Lard-Arse

I don't know if this is an urban legend or not, but I'm going to share it with you anyway.

A friend of mine relates the following story; one of his mates manages to cop off with this girl, and before too long he's in her bedroom, indulging in a bit of the old in-out in-out. Carried along by the heightened sensitivity of the moment, he talks her into having a spot of anal. Amazingly, she agrees to it. "Hang on a minute, though," she says. "Let me get lubed up first."


As he lies there, in an unknown bed, giving his hard-on the occasional flick to keep it upright, he hears his paramour padding down the corridor to the bathroom and flicking the light on. A pause. Then a rattling of a cupboard, followed by a torrent of sweary invective. Then he hears her thumping downstairs. Two minutes pass. Then he hears her thumping upstairs again, and throws the bedroom door open.

"Right" she says. "Let's gerron wi'it."

Next morning, he's downstairs in the kitchen, grabbing his coat off the back of a chair and preparing to make the time-honoured ritual known to all shag-rats as 'the Get-Out'. He's just about to hit the door when he catches sight of a congealed chip pan on top of the stove.

A chip pan that has two, finger-wide gouge marks across the top.

* * *

Now, ask any Sexpert about how much lubrication one needs to go about the act of Bumhole Love, and they'll say; 'enough to be able to move Stonehenge 50 feet with a flick of your finger'. The second thing they'll tell you is to always use professional, premium-grade, water-based lube, which can be purchased from sex shops, Ann Summers and online. But what if you're in the position of the friend of my friend, you have to improvise, but you don't want a battered sausage? Here's a list of home-made solutions, and their pros and cons...

JOHNNIES
Pros:
It's a johnny. It's already lubricated. It stops you getting nob-rot, or the affliction known in medical circles as 'shitty dick'.
Cons: Let's be honest; one of the main reasons straight men want anal sex is because they don't want to wear a johnny (tough shit, you should). Also, in almost all cases, a mere condom isn't enough to provide the right level of lubrication - and any non-water-based lubrication eats through johnnies like Billy Bunter through a tuck hamper.

HAND/BODY LOTION
Pros:
Pretty much anyone has it in their house. And as any chap without a foreskin will tell you, it's slippery as owt.
Cons: Almost all of them are oil-based, so if you're thinking of using a condom, you might as well wrap some cling-film round your todge.

VASELINE
Pros:
It's what Gay lads have been using for ages, isn't it?
Cons: Well, it was, until water and silicon-based lubes came along - petroleum jelly has a nasty habit of staying put for days, you see. And in any case, most straight women use Vaseline for other purposes. And would you want something on your nob that was used the day before to treat a cold sore?

VEGETABLE OIL, SHORTENING, BUTTER
etc
Pros: Marlon Brando used it on that French lass in that film.
Cons: The scene where Maria Schneider can't come over to Marlon's because she's got some minging bacterial infection up her ringpiece was obviously left on the cutting-room floor.

SPIT
Pros:
It's cheap.
Cons: It's really cheap. And nasty. I can think of a thousand better foreplay techniques that don't involve gobbing up your partner's arse. And saying "Spit'll do you" only brings to mind Jonathan King's chat-up lines.

SOAP
Pros:
Very slippery.
Cons: Very foamy, and stings like a bastard. Particularly down the hog's eye.

CHIP FAT
No, mate.

So, putting it all together, your make-do anal options are not that brilliant. So what's so wrong with a fanny, anyway?

14 comments:

Any major dude with half a heart said...

Excellent opening salvo there, Mr Sex. I would not know about such things, but a friend of a friend once suggested that anal sex should be preceded by foreplay involving fingers to relax the anus, and that pre-cum can function as a lubricant. That said, I am not offering to test the theory on willing volunteers, nor volunteer as a guinea pig.

Nottingham's 'Mr Sex' said...

Thanks for taking our comment virginity, AMDWHAH. (And for being so gentle, too).

Yep, your friend of a friend is dead right: you have to relax that arse like a bastard before going in there.

blacksilk said...

"So, putting it all together, your make-do anal options are not that brilliant. So what's so wrong with a fanny, anyway?"

I can see what you're saying here, that you can't really 'make do and mend', as they said in the War, when it comes to anal. And you're right of course. My partner and I took a couple of tries before lift-off and even then the first few seconds hurt like, well, buggery. (Luckily after that it was amazingly nice)

However, I have to say I find that last sentence of yours rather ill thought-out. No, there's nothing wrong with one *but* that doesn't mean you shouldn't want to try new things. I'm sure this isn't the case but it comes acroos as if you're suggesting staying away from anal altogether. And I'm sure you'll agree that shouldn't be the rule.

Variety is, after all, the spice of a textured life.

Still, that aside, a great blog so far guys, good to see some more male perspectives.

thegirl said...

blacksilk - I think that last sentence was meant to be tongue-in-cheek, if not ironic; this whole blog is written with an irreverent sense of humour - something many men might appreciate, given the seriousness of the subject matter.

Todger Talk guys - keep up the excellent work.

Innocent Loverboy said...

In my mind, saliva's a better lubricant than you make it out to be there, even when it's for anal sex. You don't need to gob (or even lick - ew!), just... dribble a bit, and spread it. C'mon, this is sex, it's going to be messy anyway.

Slipping on a Johnny doesn't work for anal (in my experience anyway), other than for protection against STDs, because it'll still hurt.

Better yet... lick her out until your mouth is full of girlcum, then use that. Or is that just beyond contemplation?

Nottingham's 'Mr Sex' said...

All good points, people. And blacksilk, the post was written with off-the-cuff one-night-stands in mind, but I hear what you're saying and agree.

blacksilk said...

@ The Girl: "blacksilk - I think that last sentence was meant to be tongue-in-cheek"

I know, I did say I realised it was probably meant to be humorous.

@ ILB: "just... dribble a bit, and spread it"

Christ I wouldn't let anyone come near me doing that! That's not sexy!

@ Mr Sex: "And blacksilk, the post was written with off-the-cuff one-night-stands in mind, but I hear what you're saying and agree."

Ah, I guess I should picked that up from the context, silly me. In any case, enjoying the blog so far :)

dirty girl said...

don't involve gobbing up your partner's arse.............drys up after a bit ne way and its not sexy either!! ;o)

Nottingham's 'Mr Sex' said...

I remember a Sounds or Melody Maker interview with Buster Bloodvessel when he was asked what the most disgusting thing he'd ever done. "Spitting up my girlfriend's bum", he replied.

Lily Lane said...

I don't have problem with having my bits being spat on provided the guy hasn't done his utmost to inject a load of phlegm into it too. In fact I would say "dribble a bit, and spread it" feels nice and is definitely sexy!

Sex should be messy; it's proof of enthusiasm.

Any major dude with half a heart said...

"I think that last sentence was meant to be tongue-in-cheek"

I believe that is the subject of a future post, actually.

Anonymous said...

Just don't try Fairy Liquid. Don't.
Debster

Anna said...

I heard that 'urban legend' in cardiff, told as true and possibly only third- or fourth-hand... hahah. I wonder.

Aadit said...


It is a great post for every blog and for me. Obviously I want to say that this is very important post for learn. Thanks..

Personal Lubricant