Monday, 14 January 2008

'Mr Sex': Frienditis

Well, I think Sam’s last post has provided me with a week’s worth of stuff to get off my chest, and we may as well start from Ground Zero. The fact is that when Sam broke down the basics of Frienditis, my ears started burning, and I type this with lumps of molten tab-hole dripping down my face. So let us go back, back, back to the early 90s. Margaret Thatcher was out of power. Saddam Hussein was still managing to cling on to his. People were having a dalliance with flared jeans. More importantly, I was 22, at Uni, and still a virgin. Which was the main reason I went to Uni, really.

There was a particular girl there who I became very fast friends with. We were always knocking on each other’s door in halls, spinning a £1.15 pint out in the SU, talking about where we came from and what we wanted to do with our lives. About a month into our friendship, at about 3am, I was awoken by a hammering on my door. It was her. She’d been out on the mash. “Let us in, then”, she said. Before I knew it, or had time to put on anything more substantial than a very ratty pair of boxers, she was fully-clothed, in my very tiny university-regulation single bed, beckoning me in. Crikey.

“You should have been out with us, it was ace. Come here. Cuddle up to me. Don’t want to sleep alone” she said, before turning over, thrusting her arse into my groin, and falling asleep. I spent the rest of the night lying awake, with my arm going number and number, in a catatonic state of shock, concentrating every erg of brain-power into avoiding any semblance of an erection (the fact that she was still wearing sequinned hot-pants long before Kylie did helped, though. It was like having a hedgehog in me lap)

And that, my friends, was my first contact with Frenditis. But definitely not the last.

Here’s the thing; I truly believe when it comes down to it, there are not that many psychological differences between men and women, but when it comes to ideal partners, we differ strongly. Women tend to prefer a man who comes in from nowhere and can show her a different perspective on life (notice how I’m fighting to avoid the term ‘sweep her off her feet’ here, in case I instantly transform into Barbara Cartland). Men, on the other hand, tend to want a friend they can fuck. To the male mind, it makes perfect sense, mainly because we're less inclined to compromise and change our behaviour. If you’re already friends with someone, they already know what you’re like and what you get up to, and they already tolerate it, we assume. And no-one ever becomes friends with someone they’re not attracted to in some way, no matter what sex they are. But when the friend happens to possess the set of genitals you want to get involved with, that’s when the trouble starts.

Over the next few months, we slept together on numerous occasions. After I told her of my aversion to sequins, she started stripping down to her underwear, and I developed the erection-avoiding skills of a Zen Master. Was she being a prick-teaser? No - she had already categorised me as a friend, the window of possibility had been shut a long time ago, and if what she did with other friends was sleep with them when she didn’t want to be on her own, then she was gonna sleep with me.

So was I being an idiot for assuming that she was doing this because she wanted to grind me into the bed at some point? Maybe, but how was I to know? All I could see was that a) she liked me, b) if she was sleeping with me, she must really like me, c) the only thing that’s stopping her from declaring her lust for me was that it was my job to do that, but d) I’m scared to, in case she falls out with me.

And this went on for ages, to the point where I might as well have glued fur to my entire body, put on a bowtie, and propped myself up on a pillow. And not just with her, either – I was a serial teddy-bear. I don’t like to brag, but I relentlessly Teddied it about on campus with a chain of female friends, even managing a threesome with two girls who took it in turns to say how nice it was to sleep with a bloke who wasn’t trying to fuck them, as I lay on the bed with my plastic nose, stitched-up mouth and mentally-shrivelled todger, as I inwardly screamed; “BUT I DOOOOO WANT TO FUCK YOUUUUUUUU! AARRRRRGHHHHH! PLEASE TAKE MY VIRGINITY AWWAAAAAAAYYYYY!”

Eventually, matters came to a head. We went out, got drunk, I confessed I was mad about her, and we went back to mine and had a 3-second snog. Then I lunged at her tits (yes, I was that classy in those days) and it was Game Over. Next day, brief chat, sorry about last night, yeah, I really like you too but I don’t feel that way about you, might be best not to see each other for a bit. Thanks to me, that ‘bit’ became 17 years, because to most men, the only cure for Frienditis is not to be friends anymore.

I learned a very important lesson that night. But it took me years to actually understand it. Nowadays, I have far more female friends than male ones, and I like living in a world where men can actually do that. Obviously, I still find them attractive, but when I do, I let them know as early as possible, so as to get all the baggage and the rubbish out of the way. And if they ever do end up in my bed, I tiptoe off to the sofa.

18 comments:

Anonymous nr. 417221 said...

Oh man you made me laugh; and cry at the same time as I too know well that situation...

Rather annoying :/

Anyway, thanks for sharing your tip in the last paragraph about avoiding such situations :)

(damn feminists who make us feel bad for wanting sex! :P)

Nottingham's 'Mr Sex' said...

I reckon that on the very long list of people who want to make us feel bad for wanting sex, Feminists are somewhere near the bottom. But ta, anyway...

BenefitScroungingScum said...

This made me laugh so much! One male friend gave me an excellent insight into a man's view of being friends with a woman......it means they like you enough to stick around once they've realised they'll never get to have sex with you. Not ever.
Bendy Girl

Anonymous nr. 417221 said...

Nottingham's 'Mr Sex': You're right, I was merely with my mind still on the previous blog post:

«Feminism quite rightly waged against male chauvinist pigs and for equality. (...)

The problem is that the baby got thrown out with the bathwater. The reason - in most people's minds masculine man = male chauvinist pig.»

Sorry for my misinterpretation of what had been said.

Nottingham's 'Mr Sex' said...

No, sorry for my misinterpretation, mate. God, we're so friendly in here it's not true...

Rosie said...

It's soooo H-a-rrrr-d navigating these male / female,,,, friend / sex things. I'm older and it really gets no better with older guys. They have not idea what to do.

Anonymous nr. 417221 said...

Nottingham's 'Mr Sex': you welcome, mate!

justrhysism said...

I once had the odd (and probably more irritating) experience of being with a girl, who I had already fucked on numerous occasions, because I quickly made my intentions clear from the beginning. It was fantastic! We started to date, and then, just as quickly as it started, it ended. (Mainly because she was 27, and I was 20).

She slept with me a handful of times after that, then I had to stop because I was young, and was wanting more than just the sex (oh how things have changed).

I stopped seeing her altogether, then a few months later we started catching up again... I was still ridiculously attracted to this petite brazilian girl, and she came around for a 'movie'... which ended up being JUST a movie... and then she slept in my bed, and that was it. Frienditis. It KILLED me!

I haven't seen her since.

ruckus said...

this is hilarious! i know this well, but from the other side.. as a female who have had far too many male friends confess their undying love (lust?) to me, much to my dismay. i have also been guilty of sharing my bed with male friends with whom i didn't want to hook up, though i think most of those times, it was more their fault for why we were sharing a bed. when it was me who did it, most of the time, it was because i wanted some action, either consciously or subconsciously.. maybe i was attracted to them but didn't want anything more than a one time (or more time) fuck buddy.. but with some of those times, i didn't want to act, yet if the guy acted, i would have gone with it. when male friends crash at my place, i usually have them on the couch unless i do want something out of it (lust-wise at least), even if it seems strictly friendly.

ruckus said...

that said, i usually feel like i made the wrong decision the next day though (if something does happen)..

so i think your advice is best.. get it out in the open before these situations even happen :)

Lily Lane said...

Your story is so eerily familiar! Even though I am a female.

I have almost given up on the dream of truly having male friends because with only one exception, all my life the sex thing has gotten in the way. Although sometimes I fall for them, more often my male friends fall for me and want more, but when finally they have accepted that we will never have sex, the original "friendship" fades away to nothing. It hurts, and makes me wonder when I meet boys whether they really see me as a person or just a potential fuck.

jay said...

I agree with the familiarity of this. I am currently in a frienditus situation (the let's not see ach other for a long long time bit) which is painful and annoying- am I just potential fuck material? Why can't the just friends thing actually happen? One friend of my disappeared when I got hitched and 5yrs later I found out it was because he wanted to be the groom- how was I to know? He never made any moves- that shows a willing move into the friend zone as far as I'm concerned. I relate much better to blokes than girls and yet all they want to relate to is the inside of my undies!

Any major dude with half a heart said...

Oh yes, very familiar.

The really interesting friends are those who make it clear that "we're just friends", until you get a girlfriend and they suddenly want to be more than friends.

Swineshead said...

Was the friend who jumped in your bed being manipulative? At the very least she was abusing your friendship. If I were you I would have:

a.) killed her
b.) eaten her corpse
c.) pooed her corpse out
d.) had sex with the friend-poo

Lilith said...

Good to see the story from a male perspective! Because partners in friendlitis usually never share that insight, do they?

Zuzanna said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Nottingham's 'Mr Sex' said...

Zuzanna,

OK, look at it from his point of view; it's obvious that Work Chap has been chsmping at the bit for you, but has kept it on a leash for 3 years because he knows you're with someone else and he's not a dick.

As soon as he heard that you and your boyfriend had split up, I'm guessing that the equivalent of every single firework used on New Years Day 2000 was going off in his head. Obviously I don't know the full details, but it sounds like you both went in too fast, and he may have been feeling a bit overwhelmed that something that he was after for ages was suddenly within reach.

It's obvious that the pair of you have an attraction towards each other, and he's probably feeling very shitty and a bit embarrassed about it all. So I reckon you should both make tentative moves towards each other (because you need to take baby steps as much as he does, seeing as you've just come out of a relationship) and do things gradually. Hope it works out for you.

buy generic viagra said...

hey man, these situations are really common in many places around the world, I think that it is one of the most interesting things in the world!