'Mr Sex': Time for another porn letter

As all writers will tell you, there's nothing better than getting positive feedback for your hard work and creative struggle (apart from money, of course). Unless you work on wank mags, of course. Because when the readers get in touch to congratulate you, it's not because you've given them something to think about or have captivated them with your skill. It's because you've put the idea into their head that mashing their genitals for five minutes or so is the thing to do.

The following is an example of the kind of thank-you letter we used to receive on a disturbingly regular basis. All spelling mistakes are his...

I’ve just brought the latest issue, great as usual. I didn’t even get pass page 4. I saw your "Talk dirty to us" spot, then 5 lovely horny babes. I studied there nylon clad bodies and instantly decided to give you a running commentary while I wrote this letter. Well like most blokes I love stockings suspenders ect. Talk dirty! No I’m going to be "dirty".

So just before I started this letter, I’ve put on a black pair of stockings and a black and red suspender belt. Now as my cock is already excited and weeping, I thought I’d wear a pair of black silky knickers, cos I thought what with my cock weeping, I must be letting off a sex odour down there. So when I’m ready to cum over those sexy bitches, I could whip off the knickers, slip them over my head (as I would if there was a woman with me) and sniff away at the sweet smell of sex. All undies are the wife’s, I haven’t yet got my own set, but soon will have I assure you.

Right now I’m lusting after those horny girls in the mag, my cock is throbbing and like a bar of steel, I’m right handed, so I’m playing with it with my left hand, I must look absolutely stupid, but I’ll tell you, I feel so fucking sexed up with what I’m doing.

This is great. I’ve had a closer look at the stockings she’s wearing, while feeling my ones I’ve got on, it’s as if she was hear. If that lady was, I’d fuck each and every hole in her body, filling all with my hot sticky spunk, which is now, wanting to spurt out my cock. I’ve now took off my knickers, and put them on my head, as I sniff the crotch looking at these horny babes. I can’t believe how similar the odour is. I know nothing on earth can replace the wondrous smell of wet pussy, but for wanking purposes it will do.

I think I’m going to have to stop writing as I’m nearly about to cum, I’m sitting on the edge of my bed, O fuck its out of control, I’ve got to stop now.

What a fucking blissful wank that was, and just to make it that little bit dirtier for you, as I started to cum, I bent forward and lowered my head, you’ve got it, the times I’ve cum on a woman’s face, there’s a first time for everything, now I know how it feels I came all over my own face, spunk everywhere, and yes I did lick what I could off and swallowed. Well if your going to copy something you might as well go the whole hog.

It’s probably the best wank and orgasm I’ve had in ages, and I certainly felt dirty, kinky and some what perverted. I throughley recomend it to any guy who’s not frightened to experiment. Thanks girls, you really done it for me.

NB: In case you were interested, the gentleman was performing what is described in Roger's Profanisaurus as a 'Spiderman Wank'.