Thursday, 17 January 2008

'Mr Sex': Frienditis, Part 2

I want to go back, if that’s cool with you, to a statement Sam made on Monday;

I find that men are afraid of making the first move with women, they are scared of even thinking about having sex with the women they fancy - because they are worried about coming across as a sleazy bastard.
When I read this, I went far beyond the ear-burning stage. My entire face caught fire. I’d like our male readers to check the following situation and tell me if I’m talking bollocks or not…

There’s this girl who, at various points throughout your life, absolutely beguiles you. You could be 14, or 19, or 27, or 39 – it doesn’t matter. And it’s not the same girl, either; it’s someone in your English class at school, or someone behind the till at Tesco. That girl at college or uni who just grew on you, and think no-one else has clocked her. The mate of a mate. The girl who you see at the bus stop every morning. The woman you always see with her mates in the same pub on the same night. And she’s attainable as well; as far as you know, she’s not attached to anyone.

And she doesn’t even know it, but she absolutely runs your life.

You wake up in the morning, and your first thought is; Yessss. I’m going to see her today. You get ready for work in total preparation for the moment you see her, from what you’re going to wear, what facet of your life you’re going to talk up in order to impress her, down to what tune you want to be listening to on your iPod when you see her. Every song you hear on the radio seems to be about you and her, even when your hand slips and the Bangladeshi station comes on. Every time you see her, your stomach lurches, you sit bolt upright, and you have a sucky grin on your face like Maggie Simpson whenever The Happy Elves come on the telly.

After you’ve made some kind of contact – whether verbally, visually or even (if you’re dead lucky) physically, you think about nothing else for the rest of the day. Then you think about what she’s doing at that moment. You think about conversations yet to be had. You wonder about where she lives, and what her parents are like. You think about what her hand would feel like in yours.

And then, when you’re lying in bed, when there's no-one about and and the lights are out, you wank yourself bandy over some woman who used to work at your old place, who you didn’t particularly like much, let alone fancy.

Now, I’m guessing that any woman reading this will snort with disbelief at that statement (and I really don’t know how many men will agree with me either, to be honest), but trust me; in my case, it’s true. Depressingly, horribly, morbidly true. If I fancy a woman, I cannot bring myself to wonder what she would be like in the sack, no matter how sexy she is, how flirtatious she's been, or even if we’ve already done something mildly intimate (In fact, it’s even worse now; all female friends are out of the equation too). But when it comes to rubbish exes who didn’t give it up and then pissed off to give it to someone else, or women from my past who I hardly said two words to, fucking hell – we’re at it hammer and tong all the bastard time.

So what’s that all about? Well, you tell me. Is it the Madonna/Whore complex? There’s an element of that, I’m sure; that hoary old attitude still exists. Is it because certain men enjoy the anticipation and open-endedness of a potential relationship that hasn’t happened yet (and might never will) and want to avoid the thought of bringing it to a conclusion with a sexual liaison that she might be disappointed by? Could be.

I think it comes down to this; for years and years and years and years and years, we’ve been bombarded with the bullshit notion that women don’t really like sex, and – despite all the evidence to the contrary, which practically grows by the day - it’s still seen as something you have to cajole, flatter, and con a woman into. And that attitude takes a long time to get over, no matter now many Ann Summers there are on the high street.

And the upshot of this is that whenever certain men come across a woman who they know they’re falling for, they automatically feel like they have an LCD screen on their head that is spelling out their every thought. They want her to read; ‘HEY! I’M ACE, ME, AND DEAD INTERESTING, I'M NOT LIKE THOSE OTHER TOSSERS, HONEST, AND WE SHOULD KNOCK ABOUT WITH EACH OTHER, YOU KNOW’. And the last thing they want her to read is ‘NARRRGH! I WANT FUCK, WOMAN’. They’re so geared towards convincing a woman that they’re not trying to get into her pants that they almost always succeed.

Cruellest of all, some of us even con ourselves out of getting into an imaginary pair.

18 comments:

justrhysism said...

It's so awesome to have someone write out the truth like this.

I KNOW this so much, and it's great to know it is oh-so normal... now to overcome the problem...

Anonymous said...

Charles no get out of my head!

Well you've basically explained my exact thought process. Good to know I'm not as unique as I thought I was.

lady said...

you're kidding. *snorts* but it's interesting though..

Anonymous said...

I recognise the bit about falling for someone - but physical attraction is such a key part of that for me that they tended to become my exclusive material for masturbation (well, OK, maybe not quite exclusive but they'd always be involved in one way or another).

RandomPinkness said...

Am I like a guy inside my head or something? Because I do that, I cannot imagine a 'real' bloke that I fancy now, when it comes to 'self appreciation', as a friend one mine hilariously called it, it always has to be an actor or something. I don't know why, possibly because I think it would jinx it, if I imagine us having sex we never would. Nice to know men do that too though.

Innocent Loverboy said...

Agreed.

I never wank over people I fancy.

Brandy said...

Interesting...

As a woman I almost HAVE to be thinking of the one (or ones) that I fancy in order to get off and I always have to have some naughty little fantasy in my head of naughty things he is doing to me.

And I almost always talk dirty to myself as if it were him talking to me.

Anonymous said...

This is a comforting revelation! I am normal!!

Anonymous said...

"and I really don’t know how many men will agree with me either, to be honest"

You're right on the money, I'm suprised someone else thinks like this. You'd think us guys don't talk about it or something :P

keep up the good work

Ms. Mary Mack said...

About the last part (the lCD screen on your head), it is true that women like sex, but usually there is a fear that all guys want from us is sex.

Lily Lane said...

A perfect illustration of how everyone loses out while society continues to accept the kind of sexual stereotyping you speak of.

Boys, I for one love to see it written in your eyes that you'd love to take me for a test drive. What's most seductive though is when I can see that your desire and curiousity increases the more you get to know me.

Anonymous nr. 417221 said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Rosie said...

Guys, guys, please stop doing this. We want to talk to us, laugh with us, show us you like us as people, and yes, take us.

Anonymous said...

Wow, what is wrong with you people?

I'm a dude and I don't really get why so many other dudes can't have a sexual fantasy about a girl they like. Seems pretty straightforward to me.

The real problem here is not that women don't like sex. It's that too many men have sex with a woman and consider her a slut afterwards. It's the most irritating self-defeating behavior that doesn't exactly make me swell with pride for my gender.

Nottingham's 'Mr Sex' said...

Anonymous dude...good for you. But I don't think this particular malaise is about women liking sex. I think it's more to do with certain men being so desperate to prove to women they fancy that they not just talking to them in order to get their end away that they hide it completely.

But, yeah. Rubbish self-defeating behaviour on both counts.

high maintenance femme said...

Wow, I'm a lesbian reading this and to put it plainly I know fuck all about men, the way they think, how they feel, the process they go through from first fancying a woman to ending up in a relationship. So this is intriguing! Good work and very interesting.

betterforeveryone said...

Wow...as a woman this so rings true from the other end. Does it sound totally conceited to say....I feel like I've really experienced this, where I've been in situations thinking, "god, I'd so love it if he just ripped my clothes off....why's he not ripping my clothes off? ....must not be interested afterall I guess....oh well. not sure what's going on."
Anything we can do to remedy the situation? Think I overcompensate by trying to make men feel at ease, and like it's just fine to stay friends, and don't want to scare him by making him think I'm coming onto him...all of which might just compound the problem really. On the other hand, sometimes I really just wish men would grow some balls and take some risks. Sorry to sound harsh....

By the way...I'm loving the blog...it's the first time I've read it so I'm reading all the backentries.

Lily Lane said...

betterforeveryone, you could always make a move yourself. Courage doesn't come from balls so there's no need to grow any; you just need to learn that if you want something (or someone) you need to step up and take it, and if you don't try then you can hardly blame men for that. Sorry to sound harsh....