Wednesday, 30 April 2008

Dave: Mind the Gap

I wish more women made the first move. And despite what they say very few ever do. Of course that could easily be misconstrued as the ones I meet not actually fancying me, but I’m far too pretty for that to be the case. I also appreciate that part of the sexual excitement for many a woman is the ‘dominance’ (perhaps not the most accurate term) of the man – leaning in confidently, making her knees turn to jelly, oh, the film industry has a lot to answer for.

But it’s that vital gap between reading the signals, clearly having gone down a storm – making her laugh hysterically, lots of body contact, etc. – and ending up in bed together. Or the pub toilet. Or a poorly lit corner of the car park.

But it’s the potential misreading of said signals, which prevents the follow through. I mean, being the over-sensitive flower I can be at times, the idea of leaning in, following hours, days or weeks of transparent mutual flirting, and being rebuffed is totally mortifying (possibly another reason so many sensible women avoid doing it). The devastation is explosive. You start thinking whether she now sees you as a terrible person (or not terrible enough, in some cases). Then you start to feel like a terrible person, or even worse, a terrible failure. And once these feelings rear their ugly heads, your already faux confidence has gone off arm in arm with your masculinity for a yearlong trip around the world, leaving you even more sexually unappealing, or so it seems.

It’s just that space between doing everything right, little pressure, everyone enjoying themselves and ‘closing the deal’ where all semblance of charisma and charm you had at your disposal decides it’s time for a well earned nap. It always seems so crass to actually utter the words, “So, er, want to…?” (cue raised eyebrow). Or else you worry it’s a mood killer to openly question the other party’s interest. Hence the lunging in technique.

Perhaps it’s a combination of being unable to read the signals, low self-esteem, and that desire to be the one being pounced on?

Even if you do get further than a warm hug and a hefty handshake, the introspective concerns follow you to the bedroom. Having impressed all night through witty repartee, you worry about her perception of you altering somewhat when you oratory skills diminish into, “Oh yeah. Oooh yeah. Use your tongue. Oh God Yeah, baby. Bite that. That’s good. Do you want this? Do you? Huh?”

I have been known to come into some criticism for being too quiet. Understandably they’ve questioned their own abilities. The irony being that in response to their anxious query over whether I enjoyed it or not, internally the answer is at times, Well, actually No. But nothing whatsoever to do with them. It’s the fear of reprisal. Losing the sexual allure you portrayed by losing yourself honestly in the throws of passion. Incredibly self-destructive, really. But hey, what ya gonna do?


Anna said...

The thought of someone finding out who I am when I'm fucking before they find out who I am when I'm not... it's terrifying! No wonder the fear of reprisal is a factor!

thene said...

Love how honest this blog is.

It's weird how in bed/not in bed can be opposites; I hate being 'pounced on' when it comes to flirting, but when it comes to sex? Oh yeah.

About all these women that say they make the first move; maybe we're just more likely to be taken, at any given time, than women who don't like making the first move?

Sassy said...

I like variety, so enjoy both being hit on and hitting on guys.
The problem though is that however much sites like this say that men like it, everytime I make the first move men are either intimidated or embarrassed (or taken!). I mean I don't think they would all be up for it, but at least some of them would...

I also hate aggressive, puncy flirting, but at times it id sifficult to read the signals. BTW I loved your post about "eye contact" length, very illuminating.

Queenie said...

Yeah, I guess the problem is that women expect you to read more subtle cues, because they're often also too terrified to be obvious about it. It goes both ways, really. But I certainly agree that women should be more proactive when it comes to that sort of thing. I'd like to think that I'm not the only one who has the guts to do that.

Lily Lane said...

Sometimes I'm not attracted to a man until he makes the first move.

I find that if he comes onto me over-confidently and somewhat aggressively it's a massive turn off and I feel insulted that he automatically thinks he can have me - he appears an arrogant arse to be honest.

But some men, who are confident in themselves but humble at the same time, become infinitely more attractive as they make their moves, testing the waters and showing respect and desire simultaneously.

A man is somewhat exposed when he is trying his luck with someone, and if it is a good character that is exposed then the deal can be sealed in that instant, even if the idea was not in my head in the first place.

Does that make sense?

Meg said...

I second what lily lane said, in that a lot of times I dont' even notice a guy until he starts talking to me. I don't know if its a defense mechanism, or that fact that to women a man's personality is about as importance as his looks... So how do we make the first move if we didn't even know we wanted you?
Also, I've tried the whole making the first move thing and it has so far been pretty much a disaster, I think because the kind of guys that I'm attracted to don't want a woman to make the first move, that or you just appear desperate and its somehow much more ok for a guy to be desperate than a girl.

meg said...

Oh yeah, and by the way, my above comments are more directed towards first contact, rather than after a full night of flirting taking the step towards asking someone to go home with you. There I actually would have no problem making the first move (if I actually wanted him to go home with me) because by then you know he's interested.

Anonymous said...

Oh men so many of you have said this! Just go with instinct throw yourself in! Its worth the chance of getting hurt- in love and sex... I dont know so much about how to actually get the flirting to relationship land..

GuardianReader said...

I'm with Sassy.

You say you want us to make the first move, but the second we show we're interested, you men run for the hills.

Apparently I'm too intimidating, too needy and the guy likes the chase.

Make your fucking mind up.

Brian said...

Faint heart never won a fair lady. Make a move, if you fail, laugh at the situation and move on. Just don't be creepy.

I do find it VERY flattering when a woman makes a move on me because I don't think of myself as especially attractive. Good for the old ego!