Thursday, 17 April 2008

'Mr Sex': Dont mess about with your aerosol

You know, sometimes you know you're just doomed to spend the whole week writing about shoving things up arseholes. So let's get it over with.

Right then; you may already be aware of the news story about the Filipino hospital that has got into deep shit over filming the removal of an armpit spray from someone's bumhole and throwing it up on YouTube. If not, you are now. Don't bother looking for it, by the way - it's been removed from YouTube. You'll have to go here instead (warning: contains film of, er, an armpit spray being pulled out of someone's ringpiece, obviously).

After watching such a thing, it raises a barrage of questions; did there really have to be 30 people in there for such a procedure? Wasn't there some poor Filipino kid in the waiting room with a saucepan wedged over his head, wondering if he'd see daylight ever again? When taking a close-up photo on your mobile of a gaping arsehole, does one use Night Mode? Did that doctor really have to spray the damn thing so near his ringpiece as soon as he'd got it out? When the bloke in question - a transvestite - finally gets to sue the hospital for every penny its got, how massive are his new breast implants going to be? Was this viral marketing taken to its logical extreme? And why the fuck was I watching this while I was having my tea?

I can't answer any of those questions (apart from the last one - because it was either that or fucking Hollyoaks, which automatically makes me puke me ring), and I can't answer the most important question, either; why anyone would be stupid enough to shove random objects up their piping? I could spend all night trying to explaining why this isn't the done thing, but instead let's consult our resident expert, the always-helpful Dr Ayan. After the obligatory "Oh my God", he asked me to pass on the following;
Well, the anus is not designed primarily for sex. It does not have natural lubricant, it bleeds easily, and the rectal muscles tighten once something has been shoved through it - so if you are gonna do that kinda thing, the bigger the object , is the more risk of it getting stuck.

Above all else avoid things that are sharp as they can cause trauma, and of course aerosols or any other chemicals as these toxins can be released in the anus which can absorb them very quickly causing poisoning and somtimes death!
Are we all clear with that? Good.

Of course, it goes without saying that people are endlessly fascinated with what other people shove up themselves. In the early days of the Internet, this site here was probably one of the most famous in the world (my favourite is still the pepper pot with 'A Present from Margate' written on it). An ex of mine was a nurse; on our first date, the first question I asked was; "So, er, what have you, y'know...? (downward pulling motion)" Answers from her (and other A&E types I've met in pubs) include;
  • A six month-old condom with mould on it

  • A full salad cream bottle on someone's cock (it had formed a vacuum seal around his nob, keeping it erect and close to haemmoraging - she had to escort him into a quiet room, distract his attention and then smash it with a hammer)

  • Assorted bullet vibrators ("It's terrible when they come as a couple - you just know they're going to have nothing but Missionary for the next five years")

  • Ten plastic soldiers that had fused together in some poor woman's lady-bit (and I will always regret not asking if they were Allies or Nazis - no, it's important. Some of the Nazis lie on the floor with machine guns, while some of the Allies are running about with massive bayonets. It's a perfectly rational journalistic enquiry)
So, my advice to you - as if you're going to need it after watching that video - is if you're going to shove things inside yourself, especially up the arse, make sure its something that has been specifically designed for the purpose, and use enough lube to drown an elephant in. Butt plugs, anal beads and prostate stimulators have particularly wide endings to prevent them getting stuck; deodorants, vegetables and live shells do not.


Innocent Loverboy said...

The correct solution is, of course, use Mitchum. It's quicker to apply than aerosol spray, and if it does get stuck anywhere untoward, you have about 48 hours to get it removed, since it's so effective you could even skip a day.

helen said...

* A pickle jar
* A small vase (like, tiny)
* A vibrator that had to be left for its batteries to die.

And the things some men would do to their testicles...

Sometimes I miss working in x-ray.

Clair said...

A small pottery bust of Queen Victoria. True. And we ARE amused.

Nottingham's 'Mr Sex' said...

Helen, come back here. Now. Not even I can imagine what some men will do to their testicles...

Angela-la-la said...


Wouldn't have taken him long to do the Rude Boy review, would it?

Homer said...

My boyfriend used to know a regular patient known as "Fruit and Veg Reg", who used to put any cylindrical vegetables he could find up his arse, then go cycling on cobbles.

They ended up writing a song about him, but I don't think it was ever performed.

Anna said...

Yeah, Helen, I want to hear about the testicles... morbid curiosity!

Personally I'm not of the inclination to go shoving random objects through the back door. I wonder if people are born that way. Maybe children who puts things in their nose have to be watched more closely when they get older.