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Anonymous writes: I have had a decent amount of sexual partners in the past and I have never come up against this problem before; I've just met someone that I like a lot and we have finally starting doing the tango. All was going well until she told me one night that she "cant" come. I was a bit confused by this and thought I was doing something wrong, but she told me she has never come in her life! I find this pretty strange and wonder if she just has accepted the fact that it might not be easy and never bothered or is this the case with some women? She says she still really enjoys sex with me and she is totally satisfied, but I just feel there is something missing as I come every time!
She gets pretty embarrassed talking about what we do in bed but she told me that she has never masturbated. I hinted that she should try it but she says she doesn't see the point. I am thinking about buying her a toy a few months down the road and hoping it doesn't offend her.
I would appreciate some expert advice on this one!
Because your girlfriend has never masturbated and doesn't know how to please herself, it makes it harder for you. She can't show you how - and perhaps most importantly she doesn't really know what she's missing out on. It's kind of like a person who has never experienced the endorphin rush you get at the gym – they can't understand what gym bunnies are doing because from the outside it just looks like a lot of sweat and hard work. Orgasms are a bit like the endorphin rush you get in the gym, once you've experienced it, you're addicted and can't go back, but there is a quite a bit of work to get there in the first place.
You could try to get her to help herself, but that is not really an option, since she isn't really interested. Again it would be like trying to convince a couch potato to go the gym, they can't see the point and it just won't happen.
The best option is for you to show her what she's been missing out on. Unfortunately most sex toys are just designed for women, or just for men. And let's face it - from her point of view putting a massive pink thing with bunny ears inside her is not going to be terribly appealing. Fortunately the tide is changing and there are now sex toys available that are designed for couples to use on each other.
Your solution could be the ipod of the sex toy world – the Intimate Massager. It's kind of cool because it doesn't really look like a sex toy, more like a designer pebble that just happens to vibrate - so very low intimidation factor. Also it's totally waterproof so you can use it in the bath when you are both already feeling relaxed. The key it that it is designed for a couple to use on each other – so you can take the lead by suggesting she tries it on you, and talk to her about what works and what doesn't. Then it's just a natural step to do the same with her. Basically you've got to show her what she's been missing out on under the guise of you wanting to experiment with a new toy.
The other thing you might like to try is the new We-vibe - a very clever device that stimulates her clitoris, g-spot and your fella all while you are having sex. Once you've popped it in you just use a bit of lube and have sex as normal but with some extra turbo powered sensations.
Between the two of these toys you should be able to get her over the line. It's going to take a bit of experimenting, but once she has her first orgasm you are going to be her knight in shining armour. Once she's had one she won't want to turn back – and suddenly she will understand what all the fuss was about.
First things first; yes, there are plenty, plenty women knocking about who have never had an orgasm, for various reasons. A previous fling of mine - who I had lusted after for longer than some of you out there have been alive - knocked me bandy when she told me it wasn't until she was in her late thirties when he had her first one (by which time the thought of her had given me thousands of 'em).
As Sam has pointed out, there could be any one of a number of reasons why your girl hasn't felt a bustle in her hedgerow - and if you don't watch out, you're going to add another handful of the bastards. First off, however well-intentioned you're trying to be, there's nothing worse than calling the state of your partner's or anyone's libido as 'pretty strange' - so cut that bollocks out immediately.
The other main danger you should be aware of is the hit your ego is currently taking; being an obviously considerate and aware modern male, her orgasm is just as important a boost to you as yours is. It's very easy to go into a relationship with someone like your girl and assume that she's had nothing but crap/inconsiderate/abusive exes, and only you can heal her. That's the short cut to developing complexes of your own.
Simply put, the only pink bits you should even think about stimulating right now are the ones between her ears. You need to make it clear that she can trust you 110%, you're not going to start getting the hump with her or push her into doing things she's not ready for, and - most importantly - you love having sex with her. Women are capable of dealing with orgasm-less sex far better than we are (although it goes without saying they enjoy orgasms as much as we do, if not more so), and if she feels she's you stopping you from having a sex wee, you're doing more harm than good.
Once you've given her the confidence to be completely open with you, you can then start on paying her some serious bodily attention. The way I see it, if she's never masturbated (which is something we pretty much attempt to do from a frighteningly early age), I'm guessing that there must be plenty of other places she hasn't even thought of touching - so give some of her other erogenous zones (i.e., pretty much everywhere else) a serious fussing, so you can find out what she likes. When she's aware that you're not going to lunge for her fanny without warning, she'll be a lot more open to you being a bit more intimate with her.
Basically, there's no quick fix here and you have to be aware that you might not be her clitoral saviour, no matter how hard you try. She enjoys sex with you; that's a pretty decent start. Now start enjoying sex with her, stop mithering, and take it from there.
Readers of TT: Comment!
9 comments:
As a woman in the same situation as your lady - have never come, have little interest in masturbating - I can say that I'm very much looking forward to the day I can find out what all the fuss is about.
It's looking likely that it won't be until I get married and try getting a bit adventurous with toys, but I'm quite happy to wait, and I still enjoy the fabulous oral my boyfriend gives me.
That is such a male solution, throwing machinery at a problem :)
I think in addition to Mr. Sex's advice, the Questioner needs to make sure that he's doing *everything* he can to stimulate his partner. Extra cuddling, massages, fingering, and oral (and anything else he can come up with).
It's really important to remember that the main problem here is in her head - For a long time, I didn't think I could orgasm, so I do speak with some authority on the subject!
She doesn't think she can, but in actual fact I suspect she just doesn't know how to. That was certainly the case with me. And here's the thing - for women, it often isn't just a physical, cause-and-effect thing. You have to be in the right place mentally, and understand how to let yourself go.
Plus, it isn't something there can be a manual for. Different people, both men and women, like different things done in different ways. She can't tell you what to do, because she doesn't know herself, it's never happened for her, so she doesn't know what she's aiming for.
With me, it took 18 months with an attentive, patient and caring man that I loved very much. The most important thing was he kept trying, never made me feel like my orgasm was the be all and end all, never made me feel like a failure because I didn't, never put any pressure on me at all, and eventually we got there.
Here's the funny thing - I never understood what all the fuss was about with masturbation until I'd come. Then, I got it - it really was a chicken and egg thing for me*.
My advice would be to be patient, don't obsess about it or focus on it becauase as Sam and Mr Sex say, you'll just give her a complex that will pretty much guarantee it will never happen! Just concentrate on making her feel good, trying different things in different ways, and I bet it will happen. But be prepared for it to take a very long time!
*There's a joke in there somewhere about who came first, but I just can't be arsed.
I'm 43, and didn't orgasm till I was 40, after I'd had three kids. I still can't achieve orgasm through masturbation, and vibration just makes my clitoris go into hiding! What does it for me is warm, skilled oral, along with nipple stimulation - and being relaxed and turned on to start with. I think that a couple of key factors that changed things for me aged 40 is that I improved my diet a lot with both food and supplements so I started getting plenty of zinc, B vitamins etc, and also I started to exercise regularly. I also reckon that I've been enjoying my sexual peak for the last three years, and I'm still discovering things about body - my orgasms are getting stronger still, and my mental ability to control them is still developing. One thing I've discovered thanks to a very talented lover I had for a while - a 6'3" rower with long, strong fingers - is that a finger fuck leading to stimulation of my G spot leads to something different/better to orgasm - the most blissed out feeling and flood of hormones imaginable. It makes me glow so much that people comment on how wonderful I look for up to several hours after! So orgasm isn't the only goal.
There is nothing more boring in bed than having to perform a convincing-looking orgasm purely so a man feels better about himself and his own abilities as a lover.
She really needs to trust that she can honestly tell you what she does and doesn't like without you throwing your sex toys out of the pram.
I think I should start by saying how good it is that you have even asked for help in this matter- it is good to know that there are guys who care about the satisfaction of their partners! Try to be calm and not worry too much, she'll come when she's ready, relaxed and well-stimulated. I found that I couldn't come with a long-term partner because I knew how stressed he was about it and I just got tired of disappointing him. Go easy, have a play with her body and show her how much you like what she has...
Second Kriss, & also, what Mr Sex said; it's not about you, but *her*. Yep. Many men see 'giving' their partner an orgasm as an ego boost to them.
And yes, it's not at all about throwing sex toys at the problem (and def don't throw them out of the pram ;-))
Really, just supporting everything the others have said - and just reiterating that for many women (and men) it's what up there that matters, not down there. Relaxation is key, and trust, and a belief that when the moment's right, she will come, but that you can have a lot of fun until then anyway.
And something that always works for me, which is worth thinking about, is when my boyfriend just touches me, fingertips across my back and down my spine, as well as up through my hair and around my ears, and down my legs and arms. Very slow, very gentle, and very relaxing - the most important thing. And only after a good fifteen minutes will he go for the more obvious erogenous zones like arse and breasts. (Whereas at other times he goes straight for the breasts or between my legs, and sometimes that works but mostly it really doesn't.) That may not work for your lady, of course, but it can't hurt to try - if nothing else, it's very intimate and non-invasive.
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