Wahey! No sooner did we put the call out for chaps willing to have their manly mither picked over by the TT team than the e-mails piled in. So we thought, Cor Blimey O'Reilly - where are we going to put Something For The Ladies? And then, one of our female readers popped up with the exact same question, meaning we can combine the two and have a day off. Hurrah!
Anonymale writes: OK, here goes. I am a man in his 50s who has recently got divorced after 20 years in a sexless marriage and taken up with a 35 year-old woman. She is quite insatiable in bed and we regularly screw for hours in all sorts of positions, and yet I find that no matter how much she turns me on, I can't come inside her. In a way this works to her advantage as I can keep it up for ages!
Luckily she is very understanding, but I have even felt obliged to fake an orgasm or two before now as she has hinted she feels a bit rejected (am I the only man to have done this, I wonder?). I saw a similar post a few months back with a woman asking why her bloke has to wank to come when he's with her, I would just like her to know it may well be a common problem, especially with blokes who have had to resort to "Mrs Palm and her 5 daughters" for any length of time.
Meanwhile, RLT writes: We hear a lot about premature ejaculation, but unfortunately I have to ask about the opposite. I have been with my new man for quite a while now, it’s going really well. He is really keen and everything is good. However, when we have sex he can't 'finish'. This has never been a problem before and to be honest, I'm a bit concerned and frustrated. He does orgasm every session, from other things, but with penetration, it just doesn't happen.
It feels good, he is clearly enjoying it, and we have tried different positions, different condoms, more foreplay etc, but its just not happening. He is often on the brink, but something is in the way. He says he just has a lot of stamina and finds it hard to relax. I know he is really stressed at the moment and has a lot of issues, but surely he should be relaxed enough to orgasm? Gah - you can understand my frustration and to be honest slight embarrassment. Its starting to introduce insecurity on my part. Any advice?
Dr Ayan says: The question here is whether you do come when you masturbate on your own – in other words, do you ever reach the feeling of orgasm, even if it is with via 'Mrs Palm and her daughters'? If the answer is ‘yes’, there is probably a deep psychosexual reason behind why you can't come inside her. By this I mean something buried in your subconscious mind which is holding you back.
Obviously, you won't be consciously aware of it. So don't try and think of reasons - but they could be anything from an irrational fear of getting her pregnant or something deeper from past experiences. It sounds crazy, but this is almost certainly the case. You clearly fancy her as you can 'screw for hours', so there's no conscious issue. It's a reasonably common problem and I think it's worth you asking your GP to refer you to a psychosexual counsellor. It's not that you are impotent or don't fancy her, so that is definitely the way to go in my mind. A good psychosexual counsellor can often draw out issues that you never knew were there, deal with them and allow to you get on with a complete sex life again. Here's a link for more help.
‘Mr Sex’ says: Well played, Dr A. Anonymale is right – we did address something similar to this a while back, but that was more a ‘won’t come’ than a ‘can’t come’.
Firstly, to our male reader; you’re a man in your 50s, and you’re finding it hard to ejaculate in penetrative sex. Guess what? I was in that position when I was 20 years younger than you. It’s a condition called ‘getting older’, and, by and large, is a good thing. Rather that than the two-pumps-and-a-squirt performance levels of what we laughingly call our ‘prime’, eh?
The problem both you and RLT have is that, like everyone else in the world, you have an idealised rumpo goal. Ridiculously simply put, you both want to give your partner an orgasm, and have one yourself. Absolutely nothing wrong with that (and I can hear our readers across the globe simultaneously going “DURRRRR”), but when we put downers on ourselves and each other when it doesn’t happen, we’re loading the dice against it happening the next time. And the time after that. And the time after that. And so on.
I’m not a gambling man, but I bet RLT has had a satisfactory penetrative sexual experience without climaxing herself at least once in her life, and I bet it didn’t bother her either. I also bet that she was happy enough with the intensity and intimacy of the moment. Obviously, no-one wants that all the time, but the point I’m trying to make is that when it comes to sexual problems, the more you worry about them, the more they start to hang around. Easier said than done, of course, but it’s a start.
As for faking orgasms, yes, it is possible for men; all you need is a condom, the palming skills of David Copperfield, and a clear run at the toilet door. But one day you will get caught, and it will be a train-wreck of colossal proportions, and you will run the risk of faking the next one on your own. Both you and your partner have to accept that not everything is running like clockwork and enjoy what you already have (without frustration or embarrassment), so it can get better over time.
Everybody: comment!
12 comments:
Really glad you covered this topic: I think it's far more common than people realise (or admit).
The first time I slept with a woman, I got it into my head that the longer I lasted, the more she would enjoy it. So it became a mental thing where I didn't want to disappoint her and, don't ask me how, was able to hold off ejaculating for a good while. Towards the end of it, however, she started getting frustrated. Made some mention about her not being able to get me off and feeling dejected about it.
As far as AnonyMale, I think it's something pretty similar. The age difference seems to be the obvious rationale behind it. Despite being attracted to each other, perhaps you've convinced yourself that she could leave at any time for someone her own age, and thus have unknowingly cut off your own orgasms as a show of virility.
Once I knew the woman I was sleeping with didn't care about going on forever, I was able to relax and we had much more enjoyable sessions thereafter.
As for RLT, Mr. Sex is right. The more you two focus on the 'problem' the worse it'll get. For every different brand of condom you two use, the more he'll feel he's doing something wrong and the worse the stress and end result will be. It's likely a mental thing again. I'd suggest talking. There's something, more than likely having nothing to do with your relationship, that has him stressed out, be it work or a family matter.
I think one issue that hasn't been mentioned is the difference in physical pressure from penetration and say masturbation, which hasn't been picked up.
Everyone assumes its physchological, when in fact it could be quite simply the difference in feeling.
For guys who regulary mastubate, or when they do they tug themselves quite hard and furiuosly. They can become use to cuming from this sort of tight/hard/fast pressure.
Where as the inside of a pussy can never match the hard grip of someones hand. And thus will make it hard for a man to climax from penetration.
As was mentioned, you said he doesn't cum from penetration but always finishes in a session by other means. I bet that is a combination of hand and blow job, because you can exert alot more pressure with your hand.
Hope that helps, instead of making people think they have some sub-concious issues they're not aware of.
I had a chap who was finding it difficult to come inside me; we eventually worked it out that (a) he had learned through the years that holding back and delaying orgasm and / or allowing the lady to come first was so much his intention he had almost trained himself never to come and (b) he had had periods where he was single where he would wank a lot which made his penis a bit desensitised to the vagina
so I banned him from wanking for a few weeks and told him he HAD to come first at least 10 time to get back into the relaxing swing of it
it worked, of course, though suddenly now I'm pregnant
xxx ho hum xxx
Climax happens easier the longer I've been denied it. Perhaps a wanking ban might give the men in question a chance to accumulate more water behind the dam.
At least for me climax just doesn't happen without special care taken to stimulating the bottom surface especially near the knob. Shallower penetration and him coming in from behind put more focus on this important bit.
Good luck!
I'm currently with a guy who rarely comes from penetration, he told me this after the first time, that he rarely does and its something to do with his medication as well (what that might be i dont know but i doubt it is related at all!)
I see it as a benefit, he lasts ages and if he does come inside of me i know he has found it really really good, which gives me a boost, plus i'd much rather he came in my mouth, i feel like i have more to do with that orgasm.
I'm pleased to hear its not as uncommon as i first thought though, i was a bit dubious as to whether i was doing something wrong!
I used to be with a guy who hardly came from penetration (or anything else I did, of that matter) as well. I felt very much rejected and like I was lousy in bed. Only now I've slept with someone else I have found out that's probably not true *grin*.
Thanks for this topic! It's a great help in understanding this subject. I agree that it is probably the rough-masturbation thing causing this. But... how do you address this to a guy??
me too .. i am with an older man who lasts for hours but tends to orgasm with a specific hand grip.
I worry about it sometimes, but we chat ... and he keeps coming back for more so it is not becoming an issue.
This is what the great Dan Savage has to say on the subject: 'Stop masturbating with a death grip. Immediately, right now, forever. Masturbate with a lighter touch, use more lube, and be strict with your dick: if you don’t get off, you don’t get off. Sooner or later your dick will, out of sheer desperation, learn to appreciate subtler sensations.'
Thankyou for covering this.
I guess we'll just keep at it :)
TLR
I'm adding my vote to the 'physical pressure, not psychological issues' chorus. In my experience, partners are compatible, or not, depending on their anatomy, to an under-appreciated extent. Sex for guys isn't just about slipping-it-in and blowing your load. Sex with one partner can be mind-blowing, sex with another completely ho-hum. And somewhere in that spectrum there's also good-but-jeez-I-really-don't-feel-like-I'm-getting-anywhere sex. Anonymale, have you been honest about this with her? You said you were faking orgasms. Maybe she's not feeling it as much as she would find optimal, either. If you aren't both doing your PC muscle exercises already, start now.
I have suffered from this a few times, suffice to say teh fact It was my bosses girlfriend I was boning probably had something to do with me not coming, suffice to say she left with a smile (and a limp) and he is none the wiser :)
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