Ladies: If there's ever been anything about men you've wanted to know but were afraid to ask, or wanted a male viewpoint on a certain relationship niggle you're going through, drop an email to us at todger dot talk at googlemail dot com. Every week, we shall pick one out and answer it to the best of our capabilities.
Gentlemen: We would very much appreciate your input, so the comments section of each Something For The Ladies post will be yours and yours alone for 24 hours. In other words, all female comments will be deleted. Sorry ladies, but in this case we'd be very grateful if you'd hush those sweet keystrokes and let the chaps have their say. Just for today, though.
This week's question...
Ann Onymus writes: What's the importance of "nice underwear" in a relationship? Does it matter if you're wearing nice undies or does it not make much difference? And what's the attraction of a matching 'set'? I've been with my boyfriend for nearly 3 months now but he's never been particularly interested in what I'm wearing under my clothes, preferring to strip down straight away to just pants/boxers whilst in bed and then take things from there. I usually try and make an effort to wear nice underwear anyway if I know I'm going to see him, but he never seems to notice (or at least, has barely ever commented on) whether I'm wearing something nice or something a little bit tatty.
Is this to do with the fact we usually strip with the lights off (or would it not matter even if I did have the requisite body confidence to be able to strip with the lights on? ... and he's never commented on it), or do you think it implies anything else? It doesn't bother me particularly, I just always thought that for the girl to wear nice underwear was important to blokes and wonder why in this particular case, it doesn't seem to be (does he like me more for 'who I am'? ... or is it that he's not actually that attracted to me?). We're both fairly young (19-20) and this is his first 'serious' relationship so I thought the 'visual' side of things might be more important than it seems to be.
Sam says: To be honest, I think it is more important for girls that they wear nice underwear for themselves rather than for guys. For the women I have spoken to, the thing about sexy underwear is that it makes them feel sexy. Women who feel sexy are more confident, give off more sexual body language, and so us men find you more attractive.
Men are intensely visual creatures, but what they really respond to are you physical assets. For instance, men are biologically programmed to find women with wider hips more attractive – as they are better child-bearers. There is a whole magic waist-to-hip formula thingy at play here. Also men find your breasts mesmerising because they are a front around version of your bum, or simply a sexual signalling device. It’s a long story, but basically we mate face-to-face to enhance pair bonds which were crucial when we moved from the trees to the open savannah, so women need sexual signalling devices at the front (if you want to find out more read the ‘Naked Ape’ by Desmond Morris).
Personally, I find it’s nice when a woman wears frilly underwear, but mostly I’m not really bothered, like most men, once I’m in a relationship I think I’m more interested in what’s underneath. So really, if wearing nice underwear makes you feel sexier, then it is working. Just don’t get upset when we don’t really notice.'Mr Sex' says: There's no real correct answer to this one, as it differs from man to man, so I can only give you my point of view; yes, saucy pants are ace, but as Sam points out, it depends entirely on what you feel comfortable in. When you chance across a lady who has an unerring knack of wearing underwear that not only suits her but enhances what's already there, you think to yourself; "Fucking hell, this woman has taste". In fact, if you ask me, spot-on knickerage guarantees a lady more foreplay, as you just don't want to take it all off just yet. On the other hand, the sight of a girlfriend in something she doesn't feel right in - or looks plain wrong in - is a bit of a turn-off, as any woman confronted by a bloke in a g-string with pant moustache or ripped-up boxers will tell you.
As for your bloke - of course he's not that arsed about what you're wearing; if it's his first serious relationship, he's overwhelmingly excited at the thought of actually getting some. At this stage of the game, you could wrap a Tesco carrier bag around your arse and he'd be just as happy. In fact, as you'll no doubt discover, the slut-knicks phase of your relationship will probably kick in later, when you're more used to each other.
The only really worrying part of your question involves the lights being off, which I've never understood at all; if you ask me, foreplay and sex without being able to see what you're doing makes as much sense as having your tea blindfolded. I mean, you're having penetrative sex with someone, duck; it don't get more intimate than that. I dunno who's instigating it, but if it's you, no wonder he's not saying anything about your underwear; he's probably already assuming that you're either incredibly body-conscious or feel icky about sex, and feels like he's walking on eggshells. When you're instigating lights-off sex and nothing else, you're basically saying "right, we're only going to do this at night, in the dark. Spontaneous daytime sex, alfresco sex, any of that stuff - completely out of bounds, mate", which is pretty much laying a minefield of future badness and mither.
(oh, and always a matching set, please, but that's just me)
Gentlemen of TT: shove in your two'pennorth, if you please...