Friday, 9 May 2008

Something For The Ladies #11

Blinkin' Flip! It's only bleddy well Friday, in't it? So that means...

Ladies: If there's ever been anything about men you've wanted to know but were afraid to ask, or wanted a male viewpoint on a certain relationship niggle you're going through, drop an email to us at todger dot talk at googlemail dot com. Every week, we shall pick one out and answer it to the best of our capabilities.

Gentlemen: We would very much appreciate your input, so the comments section of each Something For The Ladies post will be yours and yours alone for 24 hours. In other words, all female comments will be deleted. Sorry ladies, but in this case we'd be very grateful if you'd hush those sweet keystrokes and let the chaps have their say. Just for today, though.

This week's question...

Virtually every other woman who e-mailed Todger Talk wrote words to the effect of: I am aware that this can be a controversial issue, but I'd like to hear your male readers' opinion on female pubic hair etiquette. Personally I like a trimmed-down, triangle cut, and cannot stand the Hollywood (100% shaved/waxed off) for three reasons: 1. painful when waxed off (just try it boys, I'm not kidding); 2. itchy, uncomfortable re-growth; 3. (and this for me is the cruncher) it smacks of paedophilia. This last point it's because it seems to me that, traditionally, a completely hairless woman is a girl who hasn't yet fully developed; women have hair, deal with it! Some have more, some have less (I am a Mediterranean woman and we usually have more). I have met men who, at least theoretically, would refuse to have sex with a woman if she has any pubic hair, what is up with that?

‘Mr Sex’ says: Sam’s away at the moment, but I can handle this one myself.

First off, I cannot overstate the influence of Porn on modern-day male sexuality. I could visit all your houses, put a brick through your window, climb in, and spray-paint ‘THE INFLUENCE OF PORN ON MODERN-DAY MALE SEXUALITY IS DEAD, DEAD, DEAD IMPORTANT’ in red on your living-room wall, and I would still be understating the case. Put it this way; when you’re 12 or 13, you want to know everything there is to know about sex. School won’t tell you: all they bang on about is periods and puberty. Your parents won’t tell you: more often than not, they’re just as embarrassed and awkward discussing it as you are.

When you get older, and have a bit of a dabble, you’re still not sure that you’re doing it right. Your mates won’t tell you: they know as little as you do, or they’re bullshitting. Other women won’t tell you, for obvious reasons. Your girlfriend might tell you what she got up to with previous partners, but you won’t want to hear it. So the only place men can gravitate to – the only place that offers any kind of indication of what you should be doing and what you should be attracted to - is the wank mag, the grot video, and (nowadays) the porn site. Back in the 80s, baldie-bitted women were a niche market (Shaven Ravers, anyone?). Nowadays, the average female pubeage you saw then is now the niche itself.

Put simply: when you’re that age, and you see some bloke whipping it out and ejaculating on some girl’s face without asking – and she appears to be enjoying it – you assume that that’s what couples do (and boy, are you in for a surprise). More importantly, when you’re sexually excited by pretty much anything, and virtually all the women you actually see naked are sporting the tuppenny all-off, that’s what you’re going to be into and hope for from any women you end up with in the future. That’s not to say that all men are brain-dead knuckle-draggers being lead about by the cock by a cartel of mad bastards from California, but when you see something often enough, it becomes the norm.

(Conversely, I’m not dissing the tuppenny all-off either; it’s very popular with certain women, for reasons that they’ll no doubt go into in the comment section better than I ever could.. My last five sexual partners either shaved it all off, or left the merest wisp, and none of them were particularly gormless; they chose to cop off with me, for example)

So what do men really like when it comes to pubic topiary? Speaking for myself, I prefer neat and tidy; I like women to look like women, but I don’t want to feel like I’m snogging my old geography teacher when I’m going down. But then again, this is one subject where you just can’t pigeonhole every straight man in the world. Some men prefer the Hollywood for various reasons (and yes, it can’t be denied that the dodgy ‘innocent’ element is a part of it for some); to be honest, some of us are a bit intimidated by a hairy fanny as it’s associated with uncleanliness, particularly when it comes to oral sex.

(Fact: everybody assumes that ‘Down Down’ by Status Quo is an oral sex song, but when Rick Parfitt was asked about it in a recent-ish interview, he said “Oh, God no. No-one ever did that. People weren’t very hygienic down there in the 70s”)

Meanwhile, some men love the full-on 70s bush (i.e., the normal untrimmed fanny), because, well, they just do. And that’s what women have looked like for the past 4,000 years or so. And then you have men who like the compromise; either the Brazilian (or ‘Badger’ or ‘Landing Strip’), or even mad shit like love hearts, diamonds, or whatever. We like to think that you’ve done it for us, even if you haven’t. At the end of the day, however, it’s your lady-garden, and you cultivate it in whatever way you like. We’re just glad to be allowed access to it.

(Oh, and a quick word about the men you’ve met who wouldn’t go there unless it was Hollywood; absolute lying bell-ends not worth the steam off your piss)

Gentleman of Todger Talk; what’s your preference?


TheRose said...

I must admit, I like it shaved. It's neater, to my mind it's prettier, and it means you don't get hair up your nose when you're down there.

Neatly shaved into a landing strip or whatever is also cool.

I think this is another issue that's far less equal-opportunities than it should be. There are lots of arguments for men shaving their pubes, too. Sure, the testicles are a bit of a pain, but nothing impossible.

Anna said...

I like being completely shaven, it feels nicer and as my boyfriend says it's "more naked".

badgerdaddy said...

Aesthetically, I like it somewhere between Brian Blessed and Don Johnson, but I'm pretty easy as aesthetics aren't that important when snogging lady parts.

Ah, they're all great, pretty much.

More contentious is the presence of a gunt, which puts the kibosh on any oral as one can't generally breathe. Not that a stomach has to be flat, just not bloody massive. I'm just lucky that my man bits stick out.

I'm burbling and I've been on my own nearly all day. Does it show?

Anonymous said...

Apparently our dear ladies have jumped the, ah, gun.

I like the all-off and it has nothing to do with pedophilia. It has a more modern (in the artistic sense) look to it. I don't get hair down my throat, in my teeth, gently poking my face when I spend a lot of time down there, which is as often as possible. I shave my face, bits and pubes and I would be as resistant to letting it go bushy as some women are to shaving it bald.

Landing strips are unattractive and useless to me; if you can't distinguish a woman's thighs from a girl's thighs I don't have much to say to you. Any partner that isn't at least open to significantly bald has no long-term chance with me.

All that said, I'm pretty easy-going about upkeep; a bit of stubble isn't going to ruin the night or anything like that unless it's just at the disc-sander class of skin removal capability. My gf currently is bald except for a 1" wide strip along the waistband (for comfort) and I'm perfectly cool with that.

Anonymous said...

If I can nestle my nose in fur I'm a happy man.The bald and the beautiful jut don't get it for me. I prefer the bush, nice trimmed, mind you. Waxing sounds incredibly painful on one's tender bits so why do it.And the thought of a razor down there sends chills up me spine. Keep it natural please. :-)

hulver said...

Personally I prefer neat, short hair. My partner did once go a bit mad with the veet, and went completely smooth, and I must admit it freaked me out a bit. It was just too weird. She's quite a hairy person and the sudden absence was odd.

I don't mind it bushy, but it does get in the way, so I prefer a nice neat trim to keep the length under control.

my sun sets to rise again said...

I keep mine.

Sure, if I shave it all off the sensation down there is incredible... for about 45 minutes and then I'm basically dead from the waist down for the better part of a fortnight.

Besides, I'm ginger, and it's just ace.

rpg said...

If you are worried about looking like some kind of freak,just shave the business end and leave or neatly trim the hair above the clit.The girls I've talked into shaving admit its a better sensation during oral sex.We aren't licking dead hair hiding all the interesting nooks and crannies.I get a bit peeved at the suggestion of paedophillia.I think its more of an extension of lipstick on your nipples,a la pennies from heaven..kind of rude,naughty..
I do know that half choking on errant pubes like a cat on a furball isn't my idea of sexy fun.
One initially reluctant Ex absolutely loved the results of her first shave.You couldn't tell from the front,and that was what was putting her off-looking like a perverted freak in changing rooms.She liked it so much she bought a load of knickers with a kind of mesh/net gusset because she liked the cool breeze she got when she wore a skirt.She experimented with topiary after a while.Both of us found it kind of dirty-horny in the bedroom to see her lips exposed,especially her standing in front of the mirror and me between her legs with my tongue sticking out and exploring.It wasn't enough to get over her fear of the changing room.I could see her point,and it was no great loss when she let the neat triangle grow back.
If you decide to have a go,remember to douse your puss in really cold water to close the pores after shaving-it will help to stop a rash developing.

Bill said...

Shaved or bushy, I'm easy. What I really don't like is the carefully clipped and trimmed look, like the Yorkshire Ripper's Beard. For preference I would say let it grow wild with a little (and I do mean a little) judicious trimming around the inner thighs.
But Hell, they're your genitals - have them how you like them. As a hairy bloke I would resist requests to shave my hairy back. (Actually, furry is more like it.) I've never known a woman who had any problem with it. Any man who is actively turned off by oubic hair probably isn't worth bothering with.

Rob said...

I like "neat" at least, I mean, the 70's is gone, so please can we refrain from having a bush that would Edward Scissorhands can turn into some kind of pubic monument?!

However, if I am with a girl who likes oral, I will only do it if she is shaved (a little hair is ok) but I do not like coughing up hairballs. Hair + Mouth = Not Good.

I'm totally for being told the same though, If I want oral, and she wants no hair, then off it comes. Fairs fair :) I try to keep myself pretty neat at most times anyway, not much there apart from a landing strip!

As for the association with paedo's and lack of hair.. I find that kind of offensive. Just because I dont like hair in my mouth it doesnt mean I want to have sex with kids..

That aside, good question though, exactly what this is all about! :)