Wahey! No sooner did we put the call out for chaps willing to have their manly mither picked over by the TT team than the e-mails piled in. So we thought, Cor Blimey O'Reilly - where are we going to put Something For The Ladies? And then, one of our female readers popped up with the exact same question, meaning we can combine the two and have a day off. Hurrah!
Anonymale writes: OK, here goes. I am a man in his 50s who has recently got divorced after 20 years in a sexless marriage and taken up with a 35 year-old woman. She is quite insatiable in bed and we regularly screw for hours in all sorts of positions, and yet I find that no matter how much she turns me on, I can't come inside her. In a way this works to her advantage as I can keep it up for ages!
Luckily she is very understanding, but I have even felt obliged to fake an orgasm or two before now as she has hinted she feels a bit rejected (am I the only man to have done this, I wonder?). I saw a similar post a few months back with a woman asking why her bloke has to wank to come when he's with her, I would just like her to know it may well be a common problem, especially with blokes who have had to resort to "Mrs Palm and her 5 daughters" for any length of time.
Meanwhile, RLT writes: We hear a lot about premature ejaculation, but unfortunately I have to ask about the opposite. I have been with my new man for quite a while now, it’s going really well. He is really keen and everything is good. However, when we have sex he can't 'finish'. This has never been a problem before and to be honest, I'm a bit concerned and frustrated. He does orgasm every session, from other things, but with penetration, it just doesn't happen.
It feels good, he is clearly enjoying it, and we have tried different positions, different condoms, more foreplay etc, but its just not happening. He is often on the brink, but something is in the way. He says he just has a lot of stamina and finds it hard to relax. I know he is really stressed at the moment and has a lot of issues, but surely he should be relaxed enough to orgasm? Gah - you can understand my frustration and to be honest slight embarrassment. Its starting to introduce insecurity on my part. Any advice?
Dr Ayan says: The question here is whether you do come when you masturbate on your own – in other words, do you ever reach the feeling of orgasm, even if it is with via 'Mrs Palm and her daughters'? If the answer is ‘yes’, there is probably a deep psychosexual reason behind why you can't come inside her. By this I mean something buried in your subconscious mind which is holding you back.
Obviously, you won't be consciously aware of it. So don't try and think of reasons - but they could be anything from an irrational fear of getting her pregnant or something deeper from past experiences. It sounds crazy, but this is almost certainly the case. You clearly fancy her as you can 'screw for hours', so there's no conscious issue. It's a reasonably common problem and I think it's worth you asking your GP to refer you to a psychosexual counsellor. It's not that you are impotent or don't fancy her, so that is definitely the way to go in my mind. A good psychosexual counsellor can often draw out issues that you never knew were there, deal with them and allow to you get on with a complete sex life again. Here's a link for more help.
‘Mr Sex’ says: Well played, Dr A. Anonymale is right – we did address something similar to this a while back, but that was more a ‘won’t come’ than a ‘can’t come’.
Firstly, to our male reader; you’re a man in your 50s, and you’re finding it hard to ejaculate in penetrative sex. Guess what? I was in that position when I was 20 years younger than you. It’s a condition called ‘getting older’, and, by and large, is a good thing. Rather that than the two-pumps-and-a-squirt performance levels of what we laughingly call our ‘prime’, eh?
The problem both you and RLT have is that, like everyone else in the world, you have an idealised rumpo goal. Ridiculously simply put, you both want to give your partner an orgasm, and have one yourself. Absolutely nothing wrong with that (and I can hear our readers across the globe simultaneously going “DURRRRR”), but when we put downers on ourselves and each other when it doesn’t happen, we’re loading the dice against it happening the next time. And the time after that. And the time after that. And so on.
I’m not a gambling man, but I bet RLT has had a satisfactory penetrative sexual experience without climaxing herself at least once in her life, and I bet it didn’t bother her either. I also bet that she was happy enough with the intensity and intimacy of the moment. Obviously, no-one wants that all the time, but the point I’m trying to make is that when it comes to sexual problems, the more you worry about them, the more they start to hang around. Easier said than done, of course, but it’s a start.
As for faking orgasms, yes, it is possible for men; all you need is a condom, the palming skills of David Copperfield, and a clear run at the toilet door. But one day you will get caught, and it will be a train-wreck of colossal proportions, and you will run the risk of faking the next one on your own. Both you and your partner have to accept that not everything is running like clockwork and enjoy what you already have (without frustration or embarrassment), so it can get better over time.