Sex Toy Review: The Fleshlight

Now then. You knew this one was coming, didn't you?

If there’s a male equivalent to the Rabbit, that thing up there is it; not because of what it does, but how popular it is. Over 800,000 have been sold worldwide, and they don’t come cheap - which means it must be pretty damn good, or there are a lot of men out there with a fetish for DIY tools. Maybe they should bring out a Black and Decker Workmate with some tits on 'em.

The real reason for its incredible popularity is that it claims to deliver on the top two male requirements; genital realism (the Superskin insert can be pre-ordered with a choice of holes – a fanny, an arsehole, a mouth, or a ‘non-descript’ slot, for anyone whose always wanted to have sex with a fruit machine – as well as a choice of inner linings) combined with the fact that it doesn’t actually look like a sex toy. In theory, you can do the business, give it a rinse, and stick it in your toolbox – which, seeing as that's one of the places where men sequester their grot - make it the perfect sex toy for the modern male.

Instruction sample: “Towel or air-dry the Superskin™ insert and put it back in the case for storage. Excess moisture may generate mold”

You will also need: plenty, plenty lube.

Looks like: A torch, when screwed up (although the huge 'FLESHLIGHT' engraved on the side is a bit of a giveaway. Unscrewed, it looks like a stridently feminist art statement about the commodification of female sexuality. And a bit scary, too; I spent the first five minutes looking at it with a facial expression not dissimilar to Hyacinth Bucket after someone fired a rocket up her skirt.

Feels like: Well, not exactly like a fanny (very cold, extremely squidgy - you can purchase a special warmer, or run it under the tap - but under no circumstances should you leave it on the radiator), but neither does it feel like having a wank, either. After a generous lubing-up, you get tight but comfortable penetration, and the screw-off cap at the rear of the torch allows you to control the suction to some extent.

Because the Fleshlight is basically a glorified wank-sleeve, it’s incredibly easy to get the hang of; you have total control over the speed and depth of the strokes, most of the pressure is focussed on the much-maligned base of your cock (which results in more intense orgasms), and if you squint hard enough, you feel like you’re in possession of a very big, very thick (albeit very plastic) todge.

Clean-up: a good rinse should do it, although you feel a bit like an eco-activist washing down a massive jellyfish after an oil spill.

Partner compatibility: Minimal. You could do it for him, but if you get arm-ache after a few minutes of a normal hand-job, you’re gonna have the forearm of Popeye with this.

Pros: It definitely works, and you don’t have to bury it at the back of the wardrobe…

Cons: …although you don’t want to be out when there’s a power cut and your flatmate remembers he saw a torch by your bed. Particularly if you haven’t washed it out, and he opens the back up to discover, er, severe battery leakage.

Pink Lady Fleshlight, £34.99, kindly provided by http://www.lovehoney.co.uk/product.cfm?p=891

Adapted from Boy's Toys, Scarlet magazine (March issue) – www.ScarletMagazine.co.uk