Manbits #14

*** If you're male, and you want a bit of advice on your sexy, sexy mither, drop us an e-mail at todger dot talk at googlemail dot com ***

Anonymous writes: OK, here's the situation: there's this well sexy and extremely upfront girl I used to see in the pub a few years ago, and we got on really well and flirted like mad with each other - even though nothing happened. Then she disappeared. Three years later, she suddenly reappears after having a kid and settling down with someone. We went out for a drink, and were this close to going home together. She asks to see me the following week, and tells me that she's splitting up with this bloke because there's no chemistry and they're only together for the kid and if she stays with him any longer the relationship is going to get even worse, etc etc. Then she tells me that, although I have absolutely nothing to do with her splitting up and she doesn't want a relationship, she wants me to be her fuckbuddy.

Here's the awkward bits - 1) She hasn't had sex in 2 years, 2) It’s been a while for me too, 3) she's 21 and I'm 39, and 4) The last time I had a one-night stand I couldn't get it up, and I'm terrified it might happen again. I’ve never done this sort of thing before, and half of me is champing at the bit thinking of the sex bonanza on the horizon, while the other half is scared that it's going to be a disaster. How do I play this?

'Mr Sex' says: Cor. And there was me thinking you were going to say; "I'm not asking for advice - I just need to brag about it to someone".

OK, a lot of shit to wade through here, so I'll take it step by step. First off; 'Fuckbuddy' has to be the most nauseous word in the entire sexual lexicon – the Sexicon, if you will. It makes people sound like big fluffy Care Bears with massive engorged genitals, and completely fails to encapsulate the emotion, level of trust and intimacy that relationships such as this contain. So anyway, you've got yourself a knock-off. Hurrah! And yes, it looks like an avalanche of shagging in forthcoming. But you’re right to be a bit cautious. After all, and I don’t care what anyone else says, ‘casual sex’ is an oxymoron; no-one lobs their nob into someone else’s fanny in a casual manner. Unless they’re David Hunter off Crossroads, maybe.

Firstly, you and your lady friend need to make the arrangement as uncomplicated as possible, by laying down some ground rules - so both of you know where you stand. I’ve never done this kind of thing before, so I’m guessing a bit here, but I reckon something along the lines of the following would suffice;

1. The needs of the nipper come first (for obvious reasons)
2. The sex bits happen at your place, if that’s feasible (so said nipper doesn’t get involved, and you don’t have to be ‘Uncle Anonymous’)
3. If either of you come across someone you want to have a relationship with, you give your knock-off as much advance notice as possible
4. Above all, absolute honesty at all times.

I'm definitely not an expert on these matters, so I'll leave it to our lovely readers. As for the age issue - it obviously doesn't bother her, so why should it mither you? And there's very little point worrying about your performance - after all, she's probably looking for an older man who knows what he's doing and expects loads of foreplay. So give it to her, as it'll give you loads of time to calm down and let nature take its course.

Readers of TT: Comment!

'Mr Sex': THIS is how to have a row in the street, people

I'd been meaning to write one of my usual massively long posts on how to conduct a proper row in the street with your partner, but then this phenomenal clip showed up on YouTube;

Oh my. That has almost everything that makes up a textbook barney. A flurry of wild swings by the female, comprising of outrageous abuse towards the male's new choice of sexual partner. An exceptional defence strategy by the male (consisting of 'you're fucking mad' and 'don't hit me'). And then, a chink in the armour - the male admittance that he'd shag owt - that opens him right up to a combination of hammer-blows that leaves the opponent reeling. Not only has she been shagging this other bloke, but she actually likes him and fancies him. BAAAAMMMMM!

(and yes, I checked the word 'Gowl' on Google. I strongly suggest you don't)

It doesn't matter how many 'I don't give a toss' counterpunches the male throws now. When she drops the fact that she's been nobbing Billy Big-Chest behind his back, this contest is over. The only thing missing from this row was the male bellowing out a deeply personal admittance in front of the entire world (such as "I CRIED when you said you had that miscarrage and then I found out you were lying, you BITCH!"), but I doubt we'll ever see anything as magnificent as this. In daylight, too. With a pushchair.

Sam: more tax please, Mr Brown

Today Gordon Brown announced an increased tax rate of 50% for Britain’s top earners. At least from my house, you can hear the sound of one hand clapping, which is all I can do after my stroke.

I’m pleased to report that, from my experience, the NHS is alive and working well. I’m certainly happy with every single penny in tax that I’ve paid towards it. In the past, when I thought of the NHS, the first things that jumped to mind were MRSA, waiting lists and overpaid doctors, but now I think of value for money and hope that Mr Brown will tax me more and give the money to the NHS.

My NHS story so far: I had a massive stroke and after we called an ambulance, it was there in 10 minutes. They took me straight to a specialist stroke hospital and into emergency brain surgery. I went through enough MRI scanners to make NASA jealous. They also gave me a new wonder drug which minimised the damage.

In my experience, there were plenty of doctors around, the nurses were really nice and even the food was actually bearable. Now, after a month of intensive rehabilitation, I can walk again and I have a team of experts who come to my home and are helping me get back to work.

Without tax and the NHS, I would have no todger to talk about now. So I say hurrah for the NHS and hurrah for higher taxes.

Sam Update: He's OUT!

Oh yes. I have exceptional news to impart about my main dog, Mr VR: he came out of hospital on Friday, and is back home with his lady friend. He dropped me the following message today;

Hurrah ! At home first night was good also can make it up and DOWN the stairs with Jane keeping an eye on me wonderful beyond words to be home Sam

Obviously, there is still a lot of work to do before he's back on form, but he's keen to get back on the big sexy Blog-Horse as soon as he can. Until then, may he enjoy as many back-to-back episodes of Jeremy Kyle and Trisha that he can humanly stand, and me and Dan will try to resume as normal a service as possible.

'Mr Sex': The 'Finger in the Gob' move

Every chap who has gone out upon the spree and has got lucky knows this one; you're chatting a lady up, and it's going well. Incredibly well. So well, in fact, that she leans over, takes your hand, and flashes the ultimate green light; your finger in her gob. And, as we all know, she's not doing it to get a bit of masticated crisp out of her back teeth. It's such a brilliant move; without speaking, without drawing attention to herself, and without going overboard about it, she's saying "I want to cut myself a slice of your Sex-Cake"

All well and good, but here's what I want to know, and I'm hoping our intelligent and open-minded female readership can enlighten me on this; what can we do in return? Putting aside the obvious whimpering, or talking inappropriate, bud-nipping, scary filth, I can only think of one counter-move; getting her hand, shoving her thumb through her index and middle finger, and then licking at it like a dog at its own bits. And that seems really complicated and wrong.

So step lively, ladies, and tell us all what we should be doing. Please.

Danonymous Dan: A bit rusty

Just a quick one…thought I‘d share with you something that made me chuckle.

I spent the other evening at a theatre improvisation class in Balham called ‘Hoopla’ which was, as usual, very enjoyable. It’s helpful for the stand-up comedy I do and also socially good fun as generally everybody who attends is really nice.

This evening there was a girl who was a journalist for a major red-top British paper. I used to work as a journalist (and then later as a PR), and we got chatting about shared experiences. Having had a couple of drinks, I was perhaps a bit more forthcoming than I would normally be and said; ‘Hey, I write for a blog called Todger Talk…’

Now evidently my ‘talking to girls’ skill was somewhat tipsy, because I pulled a trick worthy Gareth from the Office; taking out my iPhone and showing her my post on circumcision.

She read two paragraphs, put the phone down and said, “ I don’t want read any more” then didn’t speak to me for the rest of the night.

Everyone’s a critic...

'Mr Sex': The Official Todger Talk Easter-Related Sex Tip

1) Buy one of those boxes of Cadburys Creme Eggs.

2) Unwrap the first one.

3) Bite the top off.

4) Remove all of the fondant creme yolky bit using your tongue.

5) Repeat with the remaining five.

6) Go down to shops, and repeat stages 1-5 over and over again

Congratulations. You have just improved your oral sex technique. All you need to do is find a woman who doesn't mind double chins or pustule-ridden complexions, and then wonder that no advertising executive has ever clocked that going down on Cadbury's Creme Eggs is the male version of this. Happy Easter. See you next week.

Danonymous Dan: Smeg Off!

It’s cleaner? It’s more aesthetically pleasing? What the fuck? I had an argument with somebody recently about what was better – circumcised or not?

My view is rather simple. It is a cock. It has two purposes: pissing and fucking. As long as it accomplishes both of those tasks adequately then there is no reason to lop the skin off the end of the poor blighter.

Advocates of foreskin removal – excluding religious mutilation, for a moment – seem to think that when men like myself peel back the foreskin, hulking great chunks of man-cheese drop to the floor and bounce around the bathroom like oversized mini-Babybels. This is lop-ist propaganda at its worst: the cleanliness argument is lie; no man’s commando should go into battle without his balaclava.

I will admit occasionally you might find a bit of smegma – but I’ll let you all into a secret… we can wash it off! Just think of the pain and money that could have been saved if religious zealots knew that smegma could be removed with soap and water. If a guy finds any (medical conditions not withstanding), its usually after having not washed for a couple of days. So ladies, unless you have a penchant for fucking tramps, you’re unlikely to come across any massive build-ups of man curd. But if you do, you can look on it as an early warning system – he’s a dirty bastard and you shouldn’t want to fuck him anyway.

There are some pretty ludicrous myths used to push circumcision, including: guys can last longer in bed; its better for your immune system; its advised by health centres; and let us not forget that, despite creating them (and being perfect and incapable of making a mistake), God doesn’t like them! I won’t list all the myths but if you want to have a read take a look at this.

Society seems far more at home with the idea of various viscous vaginal fluids being emitted throughout the different stages of the menstrual cycle. Nobody suggests a surgical procedure to stop the naturally occurring discharge: you are simply told to wash. (I appreciate there are some absolute fucktards who advocate female circumcision in places around this earth; that is a whole other blog)

My girlfriend admits she was ‘surprised’ when she saw my penis because she was expecting me to be circumcised because such a massive proportion of American males get the chop. I think I was the first ever adult male she had seen with a foreskin. A friend of hers, who lived in England for a year, admitted she had found the sight of and uncircumcised cock disgusting when she first saw it – lets face it, neither version is going to win a beauty contest – but disgusting just because it’s wearing a hat? That’s just penis-ist!

Every guy has had that inexpert tug job from a girlfriend – the one where she treats it like a mongoose killing a snake. I can only imagine how painful that would be with no foreskin to act as slack while she attempts to yank the spitting cobra’s head off.

I’m sure it’s not an issue many women give that much thought too: it’s either there, or it isn’t. But from what I can see, the more severe the circumcision (there are different levels of ‘close’) the more painful it can be for the man in later life. Considering that it is basically a permanent thing (there are groups of men attempting to regrow their foreskins), I think all people should be allowed to make up their own mind, which means waiting until they’re 16, at least.

A friend of mine who is a journalist always says that each article needs a pay-off – a sentence which sums up the article or blog in a pithy and/or amusing way. Here's mine! It’s nob-cheese; stop mutilating children!

'Mr Sex': India Rubber

Forgive me if you've already seen this (because I'm always that person who gets this sort of thing last), but I had to share. We all know that everything is better when it's been Bollywoodized, and this condom awareness video proves it. Shitting hell, if they had shown this at my school, there would have been no pissed-off 15 year-old girls pushing prams around the shopping precinct at all. Mainly because the sight of giant Absolut bottles with faces running up to us and wanting to be our friends for seven whole minutes would have scared the living shit out of us.

Something for the ladies # 28

Ladies: If there's ever been anything about men you've wanted to know but were afraid to ask, or wanted a male viewpoint on a certain relationship niggle you're going through, drop an email to us at todger dot talk @ googlemail dot com. We shall pick one out and answer it to the best of our capabilities.

This week's question...

Anonymous writes: Hi guys - I have been reading your blog for a long time and have a bit of a problem I could use your help with. I was in a long term relationship which went up the Swannee, and have since met someone else who is great - but he is really into oral sex and I am not. Don't get me wrong, I really enjoy going down on him - but do not want him to reciprocate. Unfortunately, this is something he really enjoys and although he is accepting of my issues (I've had kids and am not comfortable with a face-to-fanny situation!), it is still something he'd really like to do. What do you suggest?

'Mr Sex' says: Before I say anything else, I feel the need to say that 'face-to-fanny situation' is my favourite new term, and I intend to drop it in conversation at some point this weekend. Thank you.

To be honest, this is a bastard of a problem for a man to address, so expect a lot of dancing about a range of subjects. Speaking as someone who has never actually given birth, I obviously can't provide the full picture, but speaking as someone who has knocked about with a saucy Mam or two, I know what an exceptionally hot potato it can be for both parties. But I'm not sure that's entirely the real issue here.

From a male point of view, I could bang on all day about the subject, but I'll keep it brief and zone in on, er, your bits. I don't how long it's been since you've had kids, or whether you like being noshed in the past, but it's obvious that you're not feeling as genitally tip-top as you did before. Now, I could sit here behind a laptop and say "Ah, come on, love, don't be silly, there's nowt wrong with you, let him get his mouth round you" all day, but that's not going to help matters one little bit. If you're not confident, you're not confident, and there's nothing I can do to change that. That has to come from you.

Actually, if you ask me, the coming-out-of-a-long-term-relationship element might be more of an issue than you think. You've obviously have been comfortable being naked with someone else, where the pair of you were used and had grown accustomed to each others flaws. All of a sudden, New Bloke comes along, and you go through the excitement - and insecurities - of a new relationship, where sex is firmly back on the table.

Basically, you're out of your comfort zone and it sounds to me that you may be having issues that you're being perused - and possibly judged - as a shaggable sliver of woman again. I think this one really has to be lobbed over to the womenfolk of TT for a proper answer, but as someone who prefers giving over receiving, I can imagine your new chap must be champing at the bit to get stuck in there, and probably feels a bit guilty that he can't do for you what you're doing for him. But he's going to have to hold back and let you take your time.

Readers of TT - er, help...

'Mr Sex': Hello, Esquire Readers

Todger Talk is currently proudly strutting around the Market Square with its cock out over the fact that Esquire has pegged us as the 4th funniest blog on t'Internet (one above Hot Chicks With Douchebags, three below Fail Blog - ludicrously esteemed company, if you ask us). It's very nice to get a shine from a proper men's mag (i.e., one that actually interviews other men, as opposed to trollops off Emmerdale with their hands down their knickers). Ta very much. Even though half of the blog is about my rank failures to cop off, which isn't massively tee-heesome in my eyes.

(and yes, if the truth be known, we would have rather been called Talking Bollocks, but that name was taken)

So, if you've just joined us and are a bit scared that 'Men talking about sex' might just equal 'grooming', let me calm you down. Yes, we do talk about shagging and whatnot, but we don't bang on about which celebrities we'd like to give a seeing-to. Yes, we dispense advice, but we're not interested in Sex Rules or any of that old bag of wank. And yes, we discuss feelings, but we don't get all Emo about it.

And to get you properly up to speed, here's a brief selection of our more amusing bits;

'Mr Sex' realises the need for a proper male sex blog when his penis does something it shouldn't

Frienditis - the curse of the modern age

Why chip-fat and anal sex don't mix

The best letter to a wank mag EVER

Photographic evidence of depressingly awful male sex toys

The best male sex toy in the whole wide world

...and the scariest-looking one

'Mr Sex' shows unity with Feminism by pretending to have anal sex with a random bloke on a dancefloor

How to deal with six-year old kids who want to show you their bits

What it's actually like to do Thingy Whatsit with a Porn Star

Our female readers discuss the mingingest bedrooms they've ever had a one-night stand in

How to look as if you don't give a toss when Unrequited Love wipes its cock on your duvet

Porn and the recession

What it's like to be a slaphead

Mams and porn

Danonymous Dan: Make-Up Sex

You have an argument. You make up. You have sex. Everything is okay.

Make up sex: an excellent concept.

I like it. It’s simple and makes sense; you draw a line under an issue or problem and ensure that is doesn’t bleed into other areas of your relationship. It signifies business as usual, no harm done, back on track.

But does it actually exist? Can’t say that it features in my relationship, or indeed my past relationships either - if I’ve just had a whacking great barney with the missus, the last thing she wants to do is bump uglies. After an argument, sex is the last thing on her mind - both in cases where I was in the wrong and apologise, and in cases where she was in the wrong. In fact, especially when I am correct and she is in the wrong – in that scenario, not only do I rarely get an apology, but certainly nothing resembling make-up sex.

I don’t know whether it is a conscious or unconscious decision, but I suspect this has something to do with not wanting to be seen to reward me for being wrong, or, in the scenario where I am the aggrieved party, not wanting to take too submissive a stance (no, not like that) and lose face.

(Somebody rather more cynical than I might suggest that withholding sex is a backdoor way of securing some small victory out of the jaws of defeat. Cock is a hard thing to swallow after a helping of humble pie, I guess.)

Frankly, its seems fairly obvious to me that if a guy irritates his girlfriend and makes her upset, then she isn’t going to want to have sex with him. I can’t open a womens magazine or read a problem page without being told sex is much more a mental thing for girls, more about ‘frame of mind’. So taking that as a starting point, it's not surprising that if a guy puts his partner in a bad frame of mind, she doesn’t want to have sex with him.

Perhaps it’s the act of being asked (or`pestered) by the guy for sex after a fight is what allows a girl to know her bloke is sorry for being a prick? The more he is made to beg, the more sorry he seems? Just a thought.

In the movies or on TV – a poor frame of reference, I admit – a pair will have a fight and then start snogging each other’s faces off as their angry passions ignite desires too strong to control. Make-up sex ensues. I’ve yet to experience this anger lighting the fuse of passion – does it exist?

I fear I may never get to have the ‘angry make up sex’ unless I dump my present girlfriend and start dating the writer of a daytime soap. Still, I guess I should keep trying for Todger talk readers - so in the spirit of investigative journalism:

“Honey, you smell! I don’t like that dress and you have a funny American accent.”

I’ll let you know how it goes…