Ladies: If there's ever been anything about men you've wanted to know but were afraid to ask, or wanted a male viewpoint on a certain relationship niggle you're going through, drop an email to us at todger dot talk @ googlemail dot com. We shall pick one out and answer it to the best of our capabilities.This week's question...
Anonymous writes: Hi guys - I have been reading your blog for a long time and have a bit of a problem I could use your help with. I was in a long term relationship which went up the Swannee, and have since met someone else who is great - but he is really into oral sex and I am not. Don't get me wrong, I really enjoy going down on him - but do not want him to reciprocate. Unfortunately, this is something he really enjoys and although he is accepting of my issues (I've had kids and am not comfortable with a face-to-fanny situation!), it is still something he'd really like to do. What do you suggest?
'Mr Sex' says: Before I say anything else, I feel the need to say that 'face-to-fanny situation' is my favourite new term, and I intend to drop it in conversation at some point this weekend. Thank you.
To be honest, this is a bastard of a problem for a man to address, so expect a lot of dancing about a range of subjects. Speaking as someone who has never actually given birth, I obviously can't provide the full picture, but speaking as someone who has knocked about with a saucy Mam or two, I know what an exceptionally hot potato it can be for both parties. But I'm not sure that's entirely the real issue here.
From a male point of view, I could bang on all day about the subject, but I'll keep it brief and zone in on, er, your bits. I don't how long it's been since you've had kids, or whether you like being noshed in the past, but it's obvious that you're not feeling as genitally tip-top as you did before. Now, I could sit here behind a laptop and say "Ah, come on, love, don't be silly, there's nowt wrong with you, let him get his mouth round you" all day, but that's not going to help matters one little bit. If you're not confident, you're not confident, and there's nothing I can do to change that. That has to come from you.
Actually, if you ask me, the coming-out-of-a-long-term-relationship element might be more of an issue than you think. You've obviously have been comfortable being naked with someone else, where the pair of you were used and had grown accustomed to each others flaws. All of a sudden, New Bloke comes along, and you go through the excitement - and insecurities - of a new relationship, where sex is firmly back on the table.
Basically, you're out of your comfort zone and it sounds to me that you may be having issues that you're being perused - and possibly judged - as a shaggable sliver of woman again. I think this one really has to be lobbed over to the womenfolk of TT for a proper answer, but as someone who prefers giving over receiving, I can imagine your new chap must be champing at the bit to get stuck in there, and probably feels a bit guilty that he can't do for you what you're doing for him. But he's going to have to hold back and let you take your time.
Readers of TT - er, help...
7 comments:
As a woman, I would encourage you to try to get over whatever "issues" you have with your genitals coming into contact with his face (and you don't mention exactly what you're worried about, so it's a little hard to talk you out of whatever it is).
Suffice it to say, he's experienced your lady bits before and LIKES them, so you shouldn't be worried that he'll get down there and decide that he doesn't like you anymore (unless you forget about personal hygiene for a few days).
If you don't like the sensations he's giving you, explain to him what gets you off and what you could do without. Since he likes going down on you, he shouldn't mind a little instruction, because clearly he would like to see you enjoy yourself.
If you're not sure what really makes you feel good down there, touch yourself alone, touch yourself in front of him, learn what you like, explain your insecurities to him, and if he's the nice sort of guy who likes going down on his partners, he should be excited about all of this and help you get over whatever problems you have with your lady bits (which I'm sure he'll tell you are amazing and sexy, which is why he wants to put his face down there). Good luck!
I really sympathise with you. The fact of the matter is that women in every day life very rarely, if ever, see each other's genitals.
What we do see are young women in porn films who all tend to have very neat bald vulva's with miniscule labia. Not many of us looked like that before having kids, let alone after!
I developed a real hang-up about my own fanwa after exposure to porn and it made me self conscious and embarrassed about doing it with the light on, let alone oral!
I was freed from these feelings when I came across the following website:
http://www.the-clitoris.com/y/vulva/m_vulva.htm
It isn't porn, it is picture after picture of real women's vulvas. There is an incredible variety of shapes and sizes. We have nothing to feel ashamed about.
I now fully enjoy the delights of oral without a hint of embarrassment, which other half finds a real turn on. I really hope you can find your way there too.
You know, we women should feel proud of our amazing life giving, pleasure giving lady bits!
It does kind of sound like it's not just physiological, it's how you feel about your body -- and really the only thing that can change that is time, to build up trust and confidence.
But also! Cunnilingus is supposed to be the Greatest Thing Ever for women, but...it really doesn't have to be. For two of my friends (that I know of, we don't talk about sex much), it doesn't do anything for them at all, and their partners have just had to get it through their heads. There's no sexual activity that is the *truly* intimate one, or necessary in a relationship, or the *real* way to have sex. You shouldn't feel like your sex life is lacking just because you're not getting oral.
-anon lady
Oral has never done anything for me. I feel alone and bored while he's doing his thing. To me it just feel slimey and wiggly. Maybe I've never had anyone "do it right" but I get off quick on most other things, but that's besides the point. The main thing is that after my man realized (I didn't tell him beforehand because I knew he liked to do and I figured I'd play along) I wasn't into it from my reaction, he didn't get that much out of it either.
When we discussed it later, we came to the conclusion that the main reason he liked to give oral with other girls was because of the reaction he got. He gets that from me in other ways, so he has basically given up on it.
My advice is this: if you can at all screw up the courage to do it just once (you will have to both agree to a trial run beforehand. One of three things could happen
1) You really can't get off with oral and he is able to chalk it up to something that just doesn't work for you and move on to discover what it is that does really turn your crank. It's like a treasure hunt, make it a game.
2) You get lost in the moment, get over your self-conciousness and (re)discover something pleasurable and fun.
3) You can't get off (or are too embarrassed to attempt it) and he can't deal with not giving oral. You might have both walk away from the relationship. If it is really something that either of you can get over, then it's not going to change and you may as well both leave on good terms know that you just weren't compatible.
That's my two cents. Take some, all or none of it. Whatever you do, make sure that you are HAPPY!
In my younger years, I was all about receiving oral not giving it....but as I have gotten older, I feel so detached from my partner when he is down there. It really is boring to me....& it's not that I haven't had it done right, because TRUST ME, I HAVE! LOL....but I just enjoy other things now, including giving oral....I don't think there is anything wrong with the fact that you don't want it. That's not going to be a reason for him to leave you...just talk about what works & I'm sure you can still have a very fulfilling sex life ;)
Without knowing what exactly the man gets out of administering face-t-fanny (indeed, great term), it's difficult to give an answer. But assuming that he gets turned on by the act itself, as opposed to the hoped-for reaction, can it not just be regarded as an act that gives HIM great pleasure and therefore as a means to stimulating him?
Thank you soooo much guys and gals- this has given me much to think about and Milana, thanks for the details of that site, it was a real eye-opener and the whole 'ripped-and-stitched' hang up has been put into perspective. Thank you all!!
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