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Anonymous writes: OK, here's the situation: there's this well sexy and extremely upfront girl I used to see in the pub a few years ago, and we got on really well and flirted like mad with each other - even though nothing happened. Then she disappeared. Three years later, she suddenly reappears after having a kid and settling down with someone. We went out for a drink, and were this close to going home together. She asks to see me the following week, and tells me that she's splitting up with this bloke because there's no chemistry and they're only together for the kid and if she stays with him any longer the relationship is going to get even worse, etc etc. Then she tells me that, although I have absolutely nothing to do with her splitting up and she doesn't want a relationship, she wants me to be her fuckbuddy.
Here's the awkward bits - 1) She hasn't had sex in 2 years, 2) It’s been a while for me too, 3) she's 21 and I'm 39, and 4) The last time I had a one-night stand I couldn't get it up, and I'm terrified it might happen again. I’ve never done this sort of thing before, and half of me is champing at the bit thinking of the sex bonanza on the horizon, while the other half is scared that it's going to be a disaster. How do I play this?
'Mr Sex' says: Cor. And there was me thinking you were going to say; "I'm not asking for advice - I just need to brag about it to someone".
OK, a lot of shit to wade through here, so I'll take it step by step. First off; 'Fuckbuddy' has to be the most nauseous word in the entire sexual lexicon – the Sexicon, if you will. It makes people sound like big fluffy Care Bears with massive engorged genitals, and completely fails to encapsulate the emotion, level of trust and intimacy that relationships such as this contain. So anyway, you've got yourself a knock-off. Hurrah! And yes, it looks like an avalanche of shagging in forthcoming. But you’re right to be a bit cautious. After all, and I don’t care what anyone else says, ‘casual sex’ is an oxymoron; no-one lobs their nob into someone else’s fanny in a casual manner. Unless they’re David Hunter off Crossroads, maybe.
Firstly, you and your lady friend need to make the arrangement as uncomplicated as possible, by laying down some ground rules - so both of you know where you stand. I’ve never done this kind of thing before, so I’m guessing a bit here, but I reckon something along the lines of the following would suffice;
1. The needs of the nipper come first (for obvious reasons)
2. The sex bits happen at your place, if that’s feasible (so said nipper doesn’t get involved, and you don’t have to be ‘Uncle Anonymous’)
3. If either of you come across someone you want to have a relationship with, you give your knock-off as much advance notice as possible
4. Above all, absolute honesty at all times.
I'm definitely not an expert on these matters, so I'll leave it to our lovely readers. As for the age issue - it obviously doesn't bother her, so why should it mither you? And there's very little point worrying about your performance - after all, she's probably looking for an older man who knows what he's doing and expects loads of foreplay. So give it to her, as it'll give you loads of time to calm down and let nature take its course.
Readers of TT: Comment!
9 comments:
Firstly, I would say that it's important to make sure that she's sorted out her relationship with the other guy before anything happens between you two. Ie. make sure she's ended it.
It's important for the child that her friendship/relationship with the child's father remains healthy and not bitter.
If you're both comfortable with each other and the situation isn't messy, then the 'awkward bits' you are worrying about won't surface: the fact that neither of you have had sex for a while won't be an issue, and even if you have similar problems to your previous one night stand, you'll have time and patience to be able to sort that out.
The other hairy problem is the 'fuckbuddy' issue. You don't say how you feel about her or how she feels about you emotionally. It's a minefield, so be careful and make sure that you both are honest about exactly what you want from one another.
A few concerns:
1) I'd be really wary about this other relationship - it sounds like it isn't over. It's not over until it's over - it sounds like she's still mulling it over if she hasn't left already.
2) Is it at all possible that if you had trouble with a one night stand before then maybe you feel more comfortable with sex in a safe, committed relationship than having casual sex? It's not for everyone.
3) Mind you don't jeopardise your future chances for relationships because you've got yourself a fuckbuddy. It's not the same as a girlfriend.
That's about it! Good luck!
I agree. Make sure she's broken up with him first. But don't encourage her to hurry up and do it - I still reckon the ideal scenario is that they work their problems out and stay together.
I agree with a lot of what's been said. Having been in a similar situation to you (although I was the younger fuckbuddy rather than the older) I can tell you there's more that can go wrong than right. I really think that not only does she need to have clearly finished her current relationship, she needs to have established a new relationship with this guy before you can have any chance of being her fuckbuddy trauma-free. She is navigating a minefield at the moment, and if you get involved now you can expect to get hit by a crapload of shrapnel. And don't forget, being ANYBODY's fuckbuddy can be a tricky situation, as Mr Sex points out. Personally I think that fuckbuddies can only work out if that's what you were looking for in the first place. Before she came back into your life, were you looking for a relationship? Or had you already made the decision that a relationship wouldn't be right for you at the moment and what you really needed was a fuckbuddy? If you were looking for a relationship I don't think a fuckbuddy is likely to keep you satisfied for more than about four or five nights together. It will work if it was your goal, but if it's a compromise it will only become more compromising the longer you stick with it. And if she's expecting you to be her dirty secret, expect to feel desperately lonely sometimes. Good luck, you'll need it.
Hi,
Just to paint you a picture; I'm a 31 year old single male with a history of fuckbuddies.
It can be awesome, but I fully agree with what's pointed out above: it really doesn't sound like the relationship has ended.
That said: don't worry about your performance. It happens. And you get more insecure after a period of just solosex. It helps to not fuck on the first night. Or at least have the intention. When you don't have to, or even aren't "allowed" to your penis will probably disagree at some point when you are just kissing....problem solved.
But...am I the only one who was a bit surpised by a lady who had a baby at 18 and didn't have any sex for two years afterwards?
Good luck...but be carefull.
Cheers
Frank
This one's a real minefield, tread very carefully! Personally I'd run a mile, but then I'm not the one who's been made the 'fuck-buddy' offer!
Cheers
I think, given your first paragraph, that you like her too much for "just" buddy. A fuck buddy has to be someone you find fun, but with whom you have no desire to be in any kind of ongoing relationship. Like, the thought of spending a lot of time with them, let alone living with them, makes you cringe. Otherwise, you are setting yourself up for a load of pain, jealousy, and frustration.
How do I play this?I'd say by making sure she actually has split up with her bloke first.
As a wise friend said to me only recently "Baggage is one thing. Baggage that can kick your head in is another entirely..."
Just one more thought, once you have waited for her to finish the relationship she is in (and so become pretty much a single parent) and taking for granted that there is no way any of this fuck bunnying can go on around her child, just how often are you expecting to get your leg over?
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