Tuesday, 28 April 2009
*** If you're male, and you want a bit of advice on your sexy, sexy mither, drop us an e-mail at todger dot talk at googlemail dot com ***
Anonymous writes: OK, here's the situation: there's this well sexy and extremely upfront girl I used to see in the pub a few years ago, and we got on really well and flirted like mad with each other - even though nothing happened. Then she disappeared. Three years later, she suddenly reappears after having a kid and settling down with someone. We went out for a drink, and were this close to going home together. She asks to see me the following week, and tells me that she's splitting up with this bloke because there's no chemistry and they're only together for the kid and if she stays with him any longer the relationship is going to get even worse, etc etc. Then she tells me that, although I have absolutely nothing to do with her splitting up and she doesn't want a relationship, she wants me to be her fuckbuddy.
Here's the awkward bits - 1) She hasn't had sex in 2 years, 2) It’s been a while for me too, 3) she's 21 and I'm 39, and 4) The last time I had a one-night stand I couldn't get it up, and I'm terrified it might happen again. I’ve never done this sort of thing before, and half of me is champing at the bit thinking of the sex bonanza on the horizon, while the other half is scared that it's going to be a disaster. How do I play this?
'Mr Sex' says: Cor. And there was me thinking you were going to say; "I'm not asking for advice - I just need to brag about it to someone".
OK, a lot of shit to wade through here, so I'll take it step by step. First off; 'Fuckbuddy' has to be the most nauseous word in the entire sexual lexicon – the Sexicon, if you will. It makes people sound like big fluffy Care Bears with massive engorged genitals, and completely fails to encapsulate the emotion, level of trust and intimacy that relationships such as this contain. So anyway, you've got yourself a knock-off. Hurrah! And yes, it looks like an avalanche of shagging in forthcoming. But you’re right to be a bit cautious. After all, and I don’t care what anyone else says, ‘casual sex’ is an oxymoron; no-one lobs their nob into someone else’s fanny in a casual manner. Unless they’re David Hunter off Crossroads, maybe.
Firstly, you and your lady friend need to make the arrangement as uncomplicated as possible, by laying down some ground rules - so both of you know where you stand. I’ve never done this kind of thing before, so I’m guessing a bit here, but I reckon something along the lines of the following would suffice;
1. The needs of the nipper come first (for obvious reasons)
2. The sex bits happen at your place, if that’s feasible (so said nipper doesn’t get involved, and you don’t have to be ‘Uncle Anonymous’)
3. If either of you come across someone you want to have a relationship with, you give your knock-off as much advance notice as possible
4. Above all, absolute honesty at all times.
I'm definitely not an expert on these matters, so I'll leave it to our lovely readers. As for the age issue - it obviously doesn't bother her, so why should it mither you? And there's very little point worrying about your performance - after all, she's probably looking for an older man who knows what he's doing and expects loads of foreplay. So give it to her, as it'll give you loads of time to calm down and let nature take its course.
Readers of TT: Comment!