Sam: We’re all going on a Summer Holiday

Well Summer is here and lust and love is in the air. I’m rather inundated with clients, and poor Mr Sex is up to his eye balls in Summer related sex and love writing.

So just to give you all the heads up, for the time being there will be a slight windown of our normal target of getting you something to giggle at or think about every weekday.

As soon as things slow down a bit, we’ll put our foot back on the Todger Talk accelerator!

'Mr Sex': Asda can suck my cake

Bad news for any of us planning a birthday party for a paedophile; Asda have censored a cake with a photo of a 21 year-old when he was a baby because it deems a bare arse to be 'pornographic'. Seeing as this was the company who ran adverts consisting of housewives slapping their buttocks for years on end, they've got some fucking cheek, if you'll pardon the expression. It's bad enough that censorship in the UK is wielded by some crusty old judge who hasn't seen a fanny since decimalisation, but someone whose just been promoted up to Cake Manager determining what's obscene or not? Fuck that.

Sigh. I'll just have to go to Tesco next time I want a cake with a fisting image, I suppose.

Sex Toy Review: Nexus Vibro Ribbed

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Sam: What price for love?

A little while I was asked to comment about a woman who put a date with her sister up for sale on ebay, it’s a bit of fun but got me thinking.

Here is a person who is literally putting her sister’s love up for sale – well of course that’s the idea, the actual chance of the highest winner being a person that she is going to fall in Love with, is, in my opinion, pretty low. Though on the other hand James Blunt’s sister did find love through ebay, but then that was the chance to transport to her a funeral in Ireland.

I think this raise a really intersting issue of the commodification of love – or put another what price would you pay for love.

It’s been happening for a while, starting with old fashioned dating agencies, and then really hit the big time with internet dating which is now globally worth hundreds of millions of dollars each year. To put my hand up I am part of that process – people pay me to teach them the skills to help them find love.

But it really hit me when I was chatting with one of my clients (who is rather minted) and he casually told me he had joined a top end dating agency and forked over £10,000 for probably 4 to 5 dates. There are matchmakers in the states who apparently charge $100,000 to help millionaires find love.

Now when I think about love, I really find it hard to put a price on it. Love is one of the most important things in my life, so to me it is really priceless. But I guess that’s why collectors pay so much for rare artworks, there is nothing else out there quite like it, or quite as important to them. So if something is priceless, and it goes up for sale, then people are potentially going to be willing to pay quite a lot of money for it.

Personally I think love is something natural and should really be free, perhaps like air. But in today’s world where love seems to be increasingly hard to find, then it clearly becomes worth something (otherwise I wouldn’t have a job!) and potentially a lot. So what do you think? What price for love?

Manbits #6

*** If you're male, and you want a bit of advice on your sexy, sexy mither, drop us an e-mail at todger dot talk at googlemail dot com ***

Sex Wasp says: I feel a right Judas asking you this, but here goes; I’ve known my best mate and his girlfriend for ages, and I get on with them both, but from what he’s told me and the way he’s acting, I’ve got this horrible feeling that he’s either on the verge of (or already having) a fling with someone from his workplace. I haven’t asked him straight out, and it’s none of my business, but his girlfriend is now almost as much of a mate to me as he is (and she went on my wife’s hen do, so they know each other), and I know that if my suspicions are correct, I’m going to be dragged into a world of shit. What do I say to him – if anything?

Sam says: You are really playing with fire here – the danger is either way you are going to get your hands burnt and will end up having to take sides. Confront him and it looks like you are taking her side. Turn a blind eye, and then it might all come out in the wash when the shit hits the fan down the track.

You could try the indirect route – once you’ve had a couple of pints ask how things are going with his girlfriend, mention you notice things seem a little rocky. Often when people play away, it’s because they are not getting what they want from their partner, whether it is love, excitement, the lure of the forbidden, or things are just getting mundane. Where there’s smoke there’s fire.

You are not going to stop him playing away by telling him how bad he is – chances are you’ll find there’s something amiss in the relationship, at least from his point of view. Either he might bring it up himself, or maybe you might actually get to talk about what’s up with his girl. Stop the fire, and then you might stop the smoke.

‘Mr Sex’ says: This is a big, fat, big-titted bastard of a dilemma, and I feel your pain here. No, it’s none of your business if he’s got a knock-off on the side. And yet, it is. He might not want you sticking your oar in at the moment, but who’s he gonna call when the shit hits the fan, and whose ear is he gonna chew off if it all goes tits-up? Exactly.

Also, it’s in your best interests to help sort it out for absolutely selfish reasons; I don’t have to tell you how hard it is to find a mate’s girlfriend who you actually get on with and doesn’t get in the way of a friendship, and when she’s involved with your missus…well, you’re going to get involved and be forced to take sides whether you like it or not.

Personally, what I’d do is to take the Sam route and have a quiet word – but I’d also take the time to point out as subtly as possible how mint his girlfriend is (if she is), and make it clear to him that women as good as that aren’t exactly dropping off trees – and if he’s got time to kill, he should be killing it with you. Even better, sort out some quality time between the four of you; demonstrate that the coupled-up lifestyle is far removed from the Terry And June stereotype, and – when the relationship’s good - it’s a fuck’s sight better than trawling the pubs for meaningless sexual encounters or whatever’s going at the office.

And if the worst comes to the worst and he is carrying on with someone else, at least you’ve made him take the first step towards being a man about it and ending his current relationship. Telling him he’s being a twat won’t solve anything, but make it absolutely clear that, although you won’t tell on him, neither will you help him hide it. I’m very interested to see what other people think about this, so I’m shutting up right now and saying…

People of TT: Comment!

'Mr Sex': Return of the Porn Letters, AND the Groundskeeper Willie soundalike

Oh yes.You asked for it, I shoved my arm round the back of the sofa, and here it is. Remember this charming letter from a few months back? He's back. So, plump up the cushions, turn the phones off, and prepare to read the following;

Please ADELE Show me your Lovely Gorgeous BUM please Dearest ADELE, How I Wished that I was that Toilet Seat on which you sat your GORGEOUS SEXY BOTTY on. as I've always admired your gorgeous Beautiful Super Sexy BUM. to me no Girlies Bare BOTTY excites me more than yours and Adele I Love to Masterbate. Whilst I'm looking at your BOTTY bare and so sexy. I'm a BUM fancier but AW ADELE how lucky must your panties be stuck up the CRACK of your Adorable Beautiful Gorgeous BOTTOM I Love your lushious BUM Adele but it's a pity you didn't Flash your BOTTY off for me Sweetheart a bit Mair/More you may only be a beautiful Sexy model ADELE but truth is I really enjoy many WANKS over your rather gorgeous BOTTY and When ever I play Wi ma 9" Penis ADELE I always look at Mayfair Sweetheart just because your Sweet Sexy BUM excites me. I'm in Heavon Adele when I Wank over your BOTTOM. it's ever so Gorgeous and a Cutie Sext BOTT. Aw Adele. I'm growing ever so fond of you and your rather Scorching Sexy Sexy BOTT. I hope you liked the photie I Sent you Sweetheart as its no every GIRL that gets tae see ma MASSIVE HUGE PENIS

(Photo attached of nasty, not-9"-at-all willy held up against even nastier duvet cover)

but Darling your Gorgeous BOTTY just turns me on. Adele. and I Just carn't help mysel from pulling doon my KNICKS and Wanking over that ever so Gorgeous BUM of yours Sometime I no I'm gonie CUM in my pants When e're I see your Bare Bottom. How I find your Gorgeous BUM excites me So. your Gorgeous BUM Adele brings m so much Joy. but I've always Wanted to shag you yer BUM Adele and WOW What a very lickable pussy too. I keep thinking Adele abooy how many times Ye take your PANTIES doon and why Girlies nearly always SQOT to pee. Your so Sweet ADELE and Beautiful too. and I hope your BUMS in Mayfair for manys a year tae make me shoot lot o my CUM ower. I think yo aught tea come live whith Me Darling. So I Could Finger and Massarge your Gorgeous BOTTY cheecks and Finger Yer ANUS too. aw DARLING I whish I had your BOTTY in my Double Bed. When Oh't When Adele. Will you please Send me your KNICKERS please Adele. at the Moment tho I'm in Hospital but I'm haeing Such Wet Dreams Adele caused by you. I Wish. I could still see your incredibly Sexy Gorgeous BOTTY. Adlele. Just Afoew I go. hoe many times do you MASTERBATE Adele in a day? must go as nature calls. So Just ye take care o yersel Adele SWALK

Sam: Feminist or Gentleman?

The contradictions of the modern world throw us some interesting dilemmas, not the least of the question for men of whether to be a Feminist or a Gentleman.

I have a client who was brought up by a feminist mother. He was taught it is right to treat women equally, that women can look after themselves, that they should be respected, that men and women should carry the same load.

His partner is a powerful career woman. She works in a big company. She is very successful in her field and heads a large team.

Yet his partner loves to be treated like a lady. She loves having doors opened, him taking the seat out, him taking her hand as they walk across the road. It makes her feel loved and it makes her feel feminine.

My client and I had a long conversation about this very issue – because he finds it hard, and he finds it confusing. He was told to treat women equally, he was told that power should be shared, that being a gentleman was pretty much equivalent to being a male chauvinist pig – implying that it was the man in control, and reinforcing traditional and staid stereotypes. His values push him one way, while he feels that his partner pushes him in the opposite direction.

To him it seemed hypocritical, that a woman wanted to be treated equally, to have all the power of a man, but yet retain the old trappings of being a feminine woman. Can you have equal rights while still pining for traditional roles? In fact while pretty much demanding adherence traditional roles?

I reminded him of how some of the most successful religions of the world have embraced the new while retaining the old – Christianity kept many if not most pagan festivals and just stuck a new coat of paint over them – and maybe to be really successful it helps for feminism to do the same?

It took a while for him to get his head around the seeming hypocrisy of the situation, but now he is happier for it. And really who of us are really consistent to our beliefs all the time? I know that I believe it is crucial we reduce carbon pollution, but still get a huge buzz out of hitting the accelerator hard on the open road. Perhaps a bit of hypocrisy is human – now his partner feels more feminine and loved, he feels more like a man, and they both still share the cooking.