Friday, 14 March 2008

Something For The Ladies #5

Ooer, is it Friday already? Better cut and paste that bit of text that says...

: If there's ever been anything about men you've wanted to know but were afraid to ask, or wanted a male viewpoint on a certain relationship niggle you're going through, drop an email to us at todger dot talk at googlemail dot com. Every week, we shall pick one out and answer it to the best of our capabilities.

Gentlemen: We would very much appreciate your input, so the comments section of each Something For The Ladies post will be yours and yours alone for 24 hours. In other words, all female comments will be deleted. Sorry ladies, but in this case we'd be very grateful if you'd hush those sweet keystrokes and let the chaps have their say. Just for today, though.

This week's question...

'C' writes:
What do you make of a man who after a whole bout of (gah, arrhythmic) sex refuses to cum inside you, instead masturbating to finish himself off, even though he's wearing a condom (asides from vaguely insulting)?

'Mr Sex' says: Bleddy 'ell fire, we've got a right question here. I'll put aside the non-metronomic portion he's giving you (quick hint: get on top and control the strokes), and address the other two issues, as I've been dying to for ages. You have no idea what a can of worms you've opened here. First off, you are not alone. More and more men seem to be in favour of whipping it out at the point of no return these days, and there's a few reasons for that.

The most obvious one is because Porn keeps telling them to (it's got so repetitive now that scenes where men actually ejaculate
inside their partners are seen as a bit niche, and scientists predict that there'll be no children walking the earth by 2080 because men will have forgotten where they're actually supposed to lose their mess for procreational purposes). It goes a bit deeper than that, though.

The reason a lot of men do it is because a hand-shandy finale not only helps prolong the moment before we tip over the point of no return, but because we also know how to get the most from our all-too-brief (compared to the female version) orgasm. When we're about to shoot our bolt, a lot of us want as much control and as little pressure around the penis as possible, and Missionary or Cowboy can't provide either (it's one of the reasons why men love doggy-style, by the way - doesn't feel as tight, and we're in full control of our strokes).

So the fact that he's doing this with a johnny on (known in the trade as a Posh Wank) is rather defeating the object. Either he's extraordinarily terrified of getting you pregnant, fastidiously tidy and worried about getting it on the sheets, or - as I suspect - he's desperately keen to take the damn thing off and throw his stringy web of love on some part of your body, but afraid to ask. Obviously, you're feeling very left out by all this, so if you're keen, offer to take the condom off and give him a hand, telling him what you'd like him to aim for.

Sam says: Well to put it bluntly, this guy sounds like a wanker. He’s self centred and not interested in the sex you are both having, just the sex he is having. Also that’s a bit weird and creepy, not to mention really disconnected.

If he was a cracking and considerate lover up to this point, then you might have something to work with, but you don't so I suggest:

a) you dump him and get someone better in bed – people don’t change unless they have a drastic reason to do so. Otherwise you are going to keep getting disappointed on this front.

b) use mirroring to show him how it feels. There is no point arguing about this stuff, better to demonstrate by example. Next time you have sex, break it off before he is done, and finish yourself off with a rabbit. See how he likes it. Either it will hit home the point, or he will really like it, so you may like to revert to option a).

c) take Al’s advice and try and work with what is probably his porn-induced brainwashing.

Gentlemen of Todger Talk, what’s your advice to this disgruntled lady?


Boy said...

That's really bizarre? In my experience cumming from sex is fantastic, particularly when a woman knows what bits to tense at the point of no return.

I can understand pulling out and shooting ala porn (nothing better than a good facial!), but finishing off in the condom is BIZARRE, unless he's uber para about pregnancy.

In th'end of the day, if you've gotten close enough to let the guy put his cock in you, it shouldn't be too difficult to ask (most likely post coetally), what the fuck he's doing. But subtler I'd imagine.

Make sure to let us know!

TheRose said...

OK, mythbusting time.

You know how some women can't cum from sex, and need to finish themselves off by hand? There's a lot of literature on how men should be cool with that (rightly so).

Well, like many sexual oddities, it's equal-opportunity.

Some men just have a hard time coming from sex, believe it or not. It feels great, they love it, but whether because they're too anxious about pleasing their partner or just aren't that sensitive down there, they have trouble coming except by masturbation. Which, by the way, can be a huge worry, can make them really anxious about giving their girlfriend/wife/casual shag/sheep the impression they're not enjoying it, blah.

Of course, he could also just want to come on your tits.

Quick way to tell - does he cum easily and reliably from a blowjob? If he doesn't, then it's quite likely he just can't easily cum from sex either. If he does, then it may be Option B, and you should be thinking about how to keep it out of your eyes...

But don't automatically assume he's a wanker. That's not a nice thing to do, and if he genuinely does have trouble with orgasm, it could fuck him up quite a bit. Imagine every time you had sex thinking "Oh, shit, I'd better cum or s/he's going to dump me!"

Honest conversation time, methinks.

monkey said...

i agree with therose, i think you have to be quite sensitive about this the boy obviously has some sort of issue with throwing in a mix.
however i do dissagree about the blowjob thing i find it difficult to cum from a blowjob but have no problems from sex.
also maybe you should ask the boy about STIs and getting a check maybe this problem is because he scared of giving you or recieveing something.
how long have you been together are you both faithful?

Iain said...

Therose's post was interesting. It's not something I discuss with mates a lot ("So, who can't come...") but it sounds a little unlikely.

I'd say it's the posh wank thing as a likelihood but talk about it - too many problems occur because couples can't talk about these things.

TheRose said...

Iain: there's a term for the condition - "Situational anejaculation" or less flatteringly "Ejaculatory incompetence". Google it.

It's linked to stress and anxiety - very much the same mechanisms that cause women to have trouble orgasming.

Monkey - absolutely right, different people come easily from different things. It's a loose test, nothing concrete. The STI issue is another good thought.

Anonymous - masturbation has nothing to do with sex? Erm, OK, glad I'm not fucking you!

Ismael said...

If he's finishing himself, it knocks out the idea of him not wanting to get you pregnant and/ or having an STD. If he was simply pulling out just as he's cumming, they'd be viable options.

It sounds as if he's either insensitive to your needs (is a wanker) or isn't able to cum with you, as some of the others have said.

I'd suggest trying out different positions, as well as talking to him about it. Who knows, maybe he thinks it's what he's supposed to do.

If he's just in it for himself (so to speak) break it off. His behavior in the bedroom is a peak into his mind and how he'll end up treating you outside of it.

Anonymous said...

How is his diet? His spunk may stink, hence the need to keep it under wraps...